SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for this great site...even if I don't want to be here...

My wife (WS) has been working with her IC for almost 2 and a half years, she had an A that ended a year and a half ago. Has been in "chaotic despair" as the IC puts it during that time. She has said nothing else has been going on to her IC since then. But found out a week ago that she has been having an A with a different guy for the past 6 months, and is still pursuing it. In fact she is visiting him right now...

I see the same IC once every three weeks or so, my W and I see her together maybe once a month. My wife has had appts. once a week for about 2.5 years. She has been telling our counselor that nothing else has been going on, outright lying to her. How can she do this? I don't see any point in continuing trying to R if she lies to her own IC...is lying to an IC typical for WS in this situation?

I have been living my life, trying not to judge her, and making it clear i want to R with her. Waiting and trying to give her space to work out issues with herself and her IC. I'm at the point I dont want to waste any more of my life waiting. we have a 4 yr old daughter also, thinking it is better to D now for my and daughters sake. Any input would be appreciated!

Thanks for everyone's help.

I am so sorry that you are here, and that you found out about another A.

Gently, your wife is not reconciling with you. You can not R on your own. She is not ready to leave her wayward ways and life. I suggest that you 180. She is indeed wasting your time, IC time, and someone's money.

On the therapeutic relationship, I think it is hard to share an IC and use them as a MC. You need an IC who is focused in you, and is your advocate. Also on the therapeutic relationship, the counselor can only work with what is brought to the table. I have for some time questioned my WH therapeutic progress. I do not question his IC per se. But acknowledge that she can only work with what he has shared. I have considered a joint meeting for the purpose of conveying some of my concerns. My WH is absolutely charming and adored by women of all stripes. Hs first two brushes in IC- ended after brief therapy- because he is not a candidate for long term therapy. Uh, yeah, then he contacted the marriedOW again, almost ending our marriage- I was ready to walk. I still have one foot out the door.

How important is it that people like your ww? It is very important to my WH that people like him. So the ugly wayward life and behaviors are hard to share....

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Protect your heart.

Gently, there are three people in your marriage. You are sharing your wife..you even knew she was with him as you posted. By waiting for her to sort out her issues,you are also basically showing your WW you will let her date,and you will be Plan B.

Im so sorry. I understand you love her, but you need to love yourself. You need to do a HARD 180. You can not "nice" her back into the marriage.

I know this is hard to hear...but it's the truth.

(((((Greatlakes)))))))

I think lying to one's IC may be pretty common for WSes. But that's opinion, not fact - I know only one WS intimately. She lied to her IC. On D-day, her IC saw us together, and I believe I detected anger at my W. Her IC indicated that she'd help us through the crisis, but she was done with my W unless W met some pretty stringent conditions.

My bet is that your W is lying to her IC because she doesn't really want to change. (How she accept any support/counsel/confrontation from someone who can't see through her lies?)

I understand the wait and hope strategy. In a way, I did it for a while, so I do get it. But you'll never get to R unless you confront her cheating. She won't change unless you make it clear her As really mean something to you. You need to take a stand, for your sake and for your daughter's: either stop cheating now, or face D - and then follow through.

It's terribly difficult, especially with a young kid, but it's worse for you, for your daughter, and even for your W to live with an A going on in your face.

Count me as another vote for your doing a hard 180.

My fWH failed to tell his IC that his "EA" was actually a "PA" (and actually not much of an EA after all) for 18 months. Didn't share his childhood history. Nothing. Went there to feel better about himself.

He is now in IC with our MC, who we see together now and then; I have my own IC. For us this worked better because I can be sure that the whole story is being told. Plus, he is finally opening up and being honest.

He had walls built up around himself; he was protecting himself. Of course, no real progress was made until those walls came down.