SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does this mean this is a deal breaker for me? Or is this a phase that some of you have experienced? He really is working hard. But all I can think is too late. Where was this guy when our marriage was good but still a work in progress? Never wanted to work on anything because things were fine to him. Slowly went downhill the last 2.5 years. Now that he's blown the m into a million little pieces he wants me to roll up my sleeves and get right to work with him. I just don't have it in me. Since dday I have only wanted to move as fast and far from him as I can..those feelings only changed a little when I thought about my dd. I just don't like the reflection of myself when I look at him. I deserved better, I don't know how to respect a decision to stay. Anyone go through this?

I hear you and know exactly how you feel. Our daughter is the major reason for us to stay together. We had a mediocre marriage And nothing good to build on. We're starting over, basically, but I am so so resentful because he's trying and working so hard now. Too little too late, kinda. Why wasn't he willing to work hard when he said 'I do'. It was a one-sided marriage. It's ok now but damn I can't get past the movies and Broken heart. I can never trust him. I will always remember the pain that he put me through.

I don't know the answer to this. I know that I said I would stay and see and not rush through any decisions. Here I am 6 mos later. We'll see if I am still here in 6 months. I've always felt that I can walk out anytime and still feel that way.

To oversimplify, you really have 3 choices:

*TOWARD

*AWAY (flight)

*AGAINST (fight)

The R rollercoaster will have periods of all 3, but until you are both working together TOWARD the same goal, a healthy M, R seems unlikely.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal for anyone in R. Most of us have asked ourselves that probably three dozen times.

How far into R are you?

41 I feel the same. Where was all this work, all this love and commitment, when he was off planning and executing his AFF status? How can I live with myself if I accept this? All the love and remorse seem disengenuous given what he was doing and would still be doing if I hadn't caught him.

Tripletrouble:

I have seen my BW commit suicide by a thousand cuts when she ponders the "What ifs...?" You could easily do the same, blaming your WS for things he never did, blaming yourself for not doing things differently, and so on. I often have to remind her that things didn't turn out that way, and she's dwelling in worlds that don't exist and often times do more harm than good.

While it sucks to say it, all you can do is work with the reality you've got. Anything else is far from genuine and just puts up roadblocks to healing.

It's hard for me not to feel resentful now that WF is working hard.

He certainly wasn't working hard when he cheated. I mean he was...he was working hard at lying and sneaking around and not getting caught!

But now...now that he got his rocks off...now he's willing to work hard.

I think sometimes, the fact that we have to tell them to do it and the fact that they didn't just work hard BEFORE can take a while.

Hang in there

The thing is I haven't agreed to r yet. Really the only decision I have made is not to leave yet. I'm just over 3 months past dday so I wanted to take everyone's advice here and take my time. The person he has shown he could be is not the type of person I would even date. By staying I really can't figure out who it is I would be fighting for. He says he doesn't even know himself anymore. I told him that until he can look in the mirror and not only love who he sees but also likes him, not to ask for a second chance. I always think this could have been avoided if he would have just been man enough to walk away instead of sneaking around like a little boy.

Sometimes an affair is a deal breaker in the marriage. And that is ok. Just because the Wayward spouse is trying, does not change the fact it's a deal breaker.

((hugs))

41,

I think you already answered your own question:

I'm just over 3 months past dday so I wanted to take everyone's advice here and take my time

Sounds like a good plan. Even with a remorseful spouse from day 1, the conventional wisdom is it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. At 3 months out, you are still in triage.

[This message edited by Tred at 8:04 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

What both Mousse242 and Tred said are true. I would just add that you could wait a little longer but in the end your feelings may not in fact change. If your WH is remoresful that is great but Humpty didn't fall, he pushed him off.

Your WH killed your old M when he detached from you in order to justify his A. By detaching from him you put yourself on an even playing field and can see if you can build a new M together if you choose to do so. Detaching may also help you to realize that the feelings you currently have are in fact correct and this is a dealbreaker. Detaching allows you to make decisions from a place of sort of calm and logic if that makes sense. It can remove alot of the fear and things that hold many of us in dead M's and relationships. I wish I had properly detached after Dday. It would have saved me 2 years of wasted time and I likely would have realized the A was in fact a dealbreaker. At the end of the day it's your choice on whether to try to R with your WH and I wish you the best.

ETA: I am not advocating D, I am advocating you spending some time focusing on what you want in life and whether you see your M as a part of your life going forward or not. Let him work on him and you start spending time doing things you want to do and rediscover yourself again.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:22 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Not to get religious, but that is why God gave us that one reason for divorce. He knew the pain and destruction infidelity causes. That other person will forever be in his head, and you won't know when or how he truly is thinking of her. Could be good memories, or guilt. But she will always be between you. At least he is working, my xh took me on small trips because he thought buying me things and taking me away would appease me. No truth, no remorse, no nic with his howorker.

I too think my crappy marriage was finally buried with his cheating.

Your wh chose to cheat, now you get to decide what is best for you

He really is working hard. But all I can think is too late.

It is difficult to give praise/high-fives to a WS who is now being the person they were supposed to be the whole time, without the cheating breaks.

I don't know how to respect a decision to stay.

You owe it to yourself to take as much time as you need to decide what is best for you. Get rid of the external noise(society's rules, people buzzing in your ear telling you what to do, your own voice going back and forth).

You are in freeze mode, so was I and still am from time to time even after 2 years. You're talking about forgiving yourself for staying or leaving which is difficult to do until you make a choice. This is very painful and hard and part of this horrific journey that we never signed on for. You can try to forgive yourself for not knowing what to do right now. You have to let yourself off the hook and be gentle with you.

Here's something from the Momastery blog about trusting your gut:

"Drown out the external noise. Wait for the universe to reveal enough evidence to draw a conclusion. Be Still and Know. Wait for that teeny little nugget of Truth to arise- you know that nugget. It’s often the quietest but deepest voice inside us that insists we have to go even though staying is more comfortable or the one that requires us to stay when we’d prefer, at the moment, to run for the hills. Listen to your truthiest truth. Your truthiest truth sounds more like Love and Courage than Fear. Don’t ignore it. Don’t be afraid. Trust."

And . . . I felt as you do early on and 17 mos. later, I still feel the same. For me, it was not a phase.

I don't cry about the a anymore, I don't ask anymore questions. I know enough to know that I and our marriage was so disposable to him. He actively planned to cheat put a google number and email in place before he had an AP. It took months to get one of those silly women to go through with it. Months! In all of those seconds, minutes, hours and days he didn't stop to think of our family. Because he wants to R, the fate of our family is left on my shoulders. I have to decide if his is the face I want to be looking at in 20 years or someone else's, or just my own. And now he cries when he asks if I still love him and I say I don't know. To me he showed me he didn't love me anymore yet it pains him just to hear that? I think he still watches my every move because of his terrible behavior. I have always carried myself in this marriage as though he were right beside me at all times. The many levels he has disrespected me still boggles my mind at times. I think I just don't understand why he wants to be married to someone he could do this to with ease. He can't answer that yet, just knows he does. (???) Thank you all for the insight, please keep me in your thoughts.

But she will always be between you.

And it always comes to this.

What kills me is that MOW knows this too

But now...now that he got his rocks off...now he's willing to work hard.

I know the feeling, I'm just past the 3-month mark so we're in a similar boat. My wife is all into working on the marriage now. I think the moment she felt intrigued by the OM and realized she was capable of cheating on me would have been a better time to come home and "work on the marriage." Not after you've enjoyed 100 orgasms at the expense of our marriage. Not after telling all of the lies that made those orgasms possible.

But KBeguile has a point - what's done is done. All you can do is work with what you've been given. A steaming pile of crap somehow needs to be turned into fertilizer for something beautiful if the marriage is to survive.

Thanks WS.