SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have not really had to do the 180 thus far in the process. By d-day #2 (when I started to come out of my deep denial), FWH had already ended the A and had mostly come out of the fog. So, doing the 180 at that point would have likely hindered our healing. FWH has been doing awesome at what I call the "here and now" stuff - he's been completely transparent, has been accountable at all times, has been more involved with the family, and has done anything he can to help minimize/help me through my triggers.

BUT. We're kind of at a standstill as far as him gaining any personal insight as to why he allowed this to happen. At our last MC session, we decided that I was going to give up control because nothing was going to be gained by my forcing him to go through the motions. So, I've done that - for the most part - and it feels like he's done the bare minimum. He brought up once when he was having a bad day (feeling guilty about what he did to me - not missing her) and we had like a 15 minute talk and then the conversation moved on never to be returned to again. And then one day he spontaneously googled "how to help my spouse heal from an affair." We talked about it. He made fun of one site because it was very religious (and he is not) and then said he found another one that he found helpful - evidently it talked about not letting the past ruin the present (sooooooo basically validating his thought that we just need to move on from the past).

I don't think that FWH has NPD, but he is definitely very arrogant. Last night we had a big (angry) discussion about some of this and it became clear that his arrogance got in the way. I called him out on not doing the work. He said something along the lines of "how is some author of a book going to know me better than I know myself?" The he told me that he knows why he did it - he was unhappy with his life and it was an escape - but it's fixed now. Also, now that he knows the consequences of his actions, he can say with absolute certainty that it will never happen again. Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Today, I had IC. We talked about these issues. She recommended that I work on myself and hand his baggage over to him. She said that he'll notice the change and hopefully step up to the plate and do what needs to be done. The way she described it, it sounded a lot like she was recommending that I do the 180.

So, I guess I'm looking for suggestions on how I can work on myself. I've found some hobbies that I enjoy (this is an area that has been lacking for the past several years due to my untreated depression). I'm thinking about planning more activities for the kids and I. But I guess I'm looking for something more - something along the lines of books that I could read, websites/blogs to visit. There are no local support groups that I could find, but are there other online communities - I was hoping to find something a little more personal, as I don't really know of anyone IRL who has been through something like this? You can PM if you have info.

I really want to work on healing and strengthening myself. And depending on FWH's reaction, I want to have a healthier relationship or be strong enough to walk away if that's what's necessary.

Nothing beats SI for infidelity support.

As for other ideas: doing your hobbies, exercising, meet up groups, book clubs...

Don't make yourself so busy that you are running from the very things that need facing, and if you are R'ing you do need time with your WS; date nights, etc...

Oh no, I have gained a wealth of information from SI and definitely see its value. But, I find myself having a hard time really connecting with anyone due to the size. So, I was just wondering if anyone knew of a place that was a little more personal.

I don't feel like I am running from things. The problem is that I am a SAHM, so I am reliably available unless I make a concerted effort to get out of the house. I am definitely not opposed to a date night, but I think I am going to back off from initiating them.