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Ok. Kajem...that image is now on my FB. Oh, boy...

Wait... Sultan can't see your FB, can he?

Because if he can, or any of his family can, we have failed in our "beat NC into gonnabe's head" curriculum.

Aren't they incredible? My mom used to say to my dad "you must be so proud that your balls are so big they are dragging on the ground". Now I know when to use that phrase. Lol

My husband has been doing the same type of thing to me. I can't believe the shit that comes out of their mouth and the shit they believe. The affair is minor when you consider all of the crap that comes with it I struggled for a LONG time with depression and self-esteem after he repeatedly told me it was over with her and kept it going any way he could. Every facet of my life was affected- even my job. I am a head secretary at an elementary school and I was so distracted that my

Principal had.a chat with me. Thankfully, he was understanding. My pos husband blamed ME for not "moving forward" what an absolute asshole! Did I mention my dad has brain cancer?

I've learned to put him on a back burner and focus on things that I really need to. I could care less if he stays or goes. One thing I've learned about all of this cheating stuff though is you must throw their ass to the cold curb and make them earn you back. I wish I would have done that, instead he's dragged me thru the mud for 2 years and I don't know that I will ever be the person I was. However, I am smarter and I won't let this last forever.

Take care. I'm sorry we are all hurting thru this. It sucks!

Well NIK, sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I NEVER post on FB. The last time I posted was to give my DS a beat-down over something totally inappropriate that his GF posted.

My FB page is actually one of those annoying *shared* ones. You know, GonnaandMrGonna ones. He opened his *own* page the day after our anniversary last year (his family rejoiced, bless their dysfunctional hearts *sigh*). We aren't 'friends'. BUT. The shared page IS friended with family/friends. I've sat back and seen so many, many posts from all of them about 'leaving the past behind' and blahblah that I'm completely *okay* with my one "Fuck the toxic people" post. I don't talk to any of them or interact with them. PLUS. I like that saying.

I suppose I'm just one of those students that needs an IEP.....

@gotta---sorry to hear your dad has cancer. Make the most of the time that you have with him.....don't let your WH's shenanigans 'steal' your time with him.

It's *NEVER* too late to throw their ass to the curb..

Wow. He REALLY doesn't get it. I don't think he is capable so I hope you don't spend too much energy trying to figure out ways to make him "get it." Have you read anything about "covert narcissism" or just straight up narcissism? Just like sociopaths they are not capable of empathy. And of course the world revolves around them...

Good luck. It is so frustrating to have a WS that is so unremorseful...

@wife#2--No, I don't bother wasting time trying to *explain* to him why his conduct and thought processes are just wrong. BTDT. Lesson learned. I tried that for a really long time and got nothing but a bunch of brain damage and wasted time on circular conversations. He thinks how he thinks and I think how I think. The two are incompatible.

Which of course is why just fidelity doesn't even come close to being a fix for what he did.

^^This is why I like UO's 'dry infidelity' post so much. Because you're right, Cayc, the cheating is really just a symptom of a much larger problem (in my case, anyway). Sultan's *fidelity* wouldn't mean anything at this point anyway, though, because he's proven that his fidelity is conditional on whether *I'm* being (his definition of)nice or not.

About Kajem's newsfeed picture that I posted on FB-- I just really liked that saying. I need those types of reminders. Sultan has spent many years 'conditioning' me in that regard. If I didn't like someone or want to spend time with them because I considered that person a 'jerk', then I was *judgmental* or being mean or trying to *control* him. And I believed him. But he was wrong. I DON'T have to spend time with toxic people on their terms. I DON'T have to keep someone in my life and just shrug off their asshattery and tell myself that it's okay because that's just *who* they are. Gee, what a novel idea!

The FB posting won't be an issue for Sultan, nor his family. Everyone he knows is drowning in his Kool-Aid, so they will just read it and say "oh, that angry, bitter Gonna is being hateful again." Whatever. If it causes an issue at all, it will be with one of my OWN family members that I have been avoiding and haven't spoken to in months......

**camel fleas in his crotch** (*snort* That's funny)

*camel fleas on his crotch* made me laugh and I snorted the coffee I was drinking onto my laptop!

I hope the camel fleas do their job and reproduce continually and Sultan will have to fumigate his crotch to get rid of them, lol

Gonna,

I got plenty more of the inspirational-end-the-toxicity stuff. If you want some let me know.

When I didn't know about NPD and I thought my XH was dealing with MLC, I was on a MLC site... the lovely ladies there voted and awarded X "The Biggest Dick award". The award was based on a years worth of stuff I posted regarding XH.

I think we need to take nominations for 2013 Biggest Dick award. I'll nominate Sultan.

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:15 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I told him that he chose the bachelor/big-shot path instead of the husband/father path and that it was too bad that the destination doesn't really *work* for him. His choice. I'm not angry because....why bother being mad about shit that I can't change? HE chose his path, so just f'n carry on already and STOP trying to live in both worlds and acting as if it's MY problem/deficiency because that is impossible.

That my friend is growth on your part, you now see him for who he truly is and always was. Sultan is just a parasite that you have removed from your life.

It is chilling when you realize there is no empathy and never will be for you or anyone else.

When a BS finally gets away from the daily mind games and the rose colored glasses come off, their truth is shocking. It is not that they have changed since the infidelity, it's that they can no longer hide their NPD and disorders.

Hugs

Gma

Sultan is just a parasite that you have removed from your life.

Indeed. I was going through the brutality of one of Dickhead's physical attacks on me, and I found myself getting angry and sad for my old self. After that and another incident, I was finally done, but the process was still a process. I still had baggage. Four years later, I probably still do, but I'm mostly just tired. I even felt a little bit of pity for him when I got a text the other morning:

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, but you are the best thing that happened in my life ever."

Which is probably true. I put up with a lot of crap from this man: insults, putdowns, some sabotage where he would ask for something and then I would do it totally wrong and this would elicit a screaming fit from him, etc. I put up with the harem and all of his friends who thought he was wonderful and I was just the crazy bitch. I put up with 'way more than any human being should, and the string of women he has gone through in the past 4 years is evidence of who was holding it down in the marriage.

You don't get to put me through all of that, then turn around and say, Oopsie, you aren't a demented, pathetic creature; you're the best thing to ever happen to me. Luv ya. And the fact that you don't recognize this makes me say, thank goodness I got out. I'm not wasting any more energy on this fool.

he's proven that his fidelity is conditional on whether *I'm* being (his definition of)nice or not.

This^ was my ex too. most of the time I had no idea I had even displeased him.

One example: I mentioned to him, one day, that I thought he was a little too *close* to a girl at work. I mean physically. She was standing against a wall, and he had his hands on the wall, boxing her in sort of, and they were nose to nose.

She moved on, nothing further mentioned... then about a YEAR later, he leaves me an angry voice mail. "oh and by the way, I did Fck {girl from work} after you accused me off it".

He has, as recently as last month, asked me Why we can't live together, (for our Daughters benefit.):

"I don't see why we can't just co-exist"

But there en lies the rub. He can't "let" me "exist". It's not possible.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:37 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Safeguard, what an ass! What a complete and utter jerk!

That guy deserves his own karma crew of air traffic controller guides, boxing him in on all four sides, waving those lighted sticks to direct people away from ever interacting with him.

Great images, Kajem!

Hugs, gonna. I've been there with my ex, also a NPD ++. It takes awhile to re-collate what reality really is, but it happens. Trust yourself, surround yourself with nifty reminders like Kajem posted. You seem both strong and aware.

[This message edited by Reality at 4:16 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

That guy deserves his own karma crew of air traffic controller guides, boxing him in on all four sides, waving those lighted sticks to direct people away from ever interacting with him.

@ Reality: Thanks for that hilarious visual lol! Next time I have to see him, I'll be picturing him in that *box*, with people in hazmat suits, warning away all of humanity! :)

His whole family is toxic so maybe they have a family sized box? i also have a saying on my face book:

"Before you start thinking you have low self esteem, and can't do anything right, take a look around and see if you are not, in fact, surrounded by @ssholes"!"

[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:53 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

When a BS finally gets away from the daily mind games and the rose colored glasses come off, their truth is shocking. It is not that they have changed since the infidelity, it's that they can no longer hide

Gma, this has been so, so true. And that inability to *hide* has become a huge problem. He is just incapable of facing reality.....he clings SO tightly to who he wants to *believe* himself to be, even when that *image* is totally dissonant from how he is acting, that it rises to the level of insanity. And to have my own 'rose-colored glasses' removed and watch this dynamic in action is just......jaw-dropping. How in the hell did I NEVER *see* this????

@V--I hate, hate, hate the sappy walks he takes down 'memory lane'. He sure as hell didn't care about any of this crap while he was cheating/lying his ass off, so why is it so special now? He sent me a text last week (I think), thanking me for the 'special' 40th birthday trip. We took the family plus his mom out West to Yosemite, Jackson Hole area. Really??? All I remember is that I tried to call him when he went to the car an hour after we got there to ask him to bring a jacket for DS. He didn't pick up. Later I was looking for the number to an area attraction and saw that he had been texting a male friend that I had banned him from interacting with. Of course...it was my fault. *I* was just digging through his phone. *I* was going to ruin 'this' vacation...just like I ruined ALL of our vacations.

He says that I am his 'dream girl'. Really???? Because I've got a whole bunch of texts/emails that say different.

@SafeGuard:

He can't "let" me "exist". It's not possible.

^^^Here too. Anything that I did that didn't revolve around him was just too threatening, and therefore grounds for punishment (justification for having OW's).

Sultan really should have 'Sony' stamped across his forehead because his powers of projection are downright incredible. I'm sure that Consumer Reports would rate him as the *top* projector.

(@Kajem--if I remember correctly, didn't your X take the whole being voted as Biggest Dick thing as a compliment because he mis-understood? )

And the fun continued today......for those of you that don't know:

I'm judgmental

I'm self-righteous

I will also have to sit in *judgment* in front of God for being unforgiving

I have run from religion (NO idea where that came from....)

Something has totally *tripped his trigger* and caused him to think that he needs to *straighten me out*. No idea what has caused his latest outburst. Don't really care, either.....I just want him to stop. Dude. Enjoy the bachelor/big-shot path and leave.me.alone.

Gonna, isn't that the darnedest thing? Anything I do, that goes well for me, is seen by my ex, as a deliberate attempt to *take* something away from him, or upstage him, in some way! Still to this day, I have to be super careful not to divulge anything about my personal life. At. All.

And yes sir, they love to use *sentiment* to get what they want. They do it well, because they really don't have any, but we have *told* them many times, that we value it. Once,(when we were reconciling long ago), I invited my ex to spend my birthday,(weekend), with me and he declined, leaving me with the impression, that he was urgently needed at work.

At five past midnight, Friday night/sat morn, he calls and leaves me a message: "Happy Birthday Babe. I'm on the train from, (drug buddies city), I can get off in (my city) if you want."

I ignored the four calls he made. Later I came to discover, that he had been kicked out of his buddies house, where he was parting that weekend, and decided to use me, as a fall back plan, since the trains didn't run to his city at that hour.

Everyone else though it was the sweetest thing, that he called, just after midnight, in order to be the first one to wish me a happy birthday!

Normies just don't get it. :/

[This message edited by Safeguard at 9:42 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Gma, your rose colored glasses comment really hit a chord with me!

For a while after DDay#1 and especially when the mask really fell off on DDay#2 what kept me up the most at night and consumed my thoughts during the day is how it was possible that the man I spent the last 10 years with could actually be the person he is presenting himself to be today. "Mr. Good Guy" turned into "That evil s-o-b out to destroy all things good and right in the world starting with his family"

Wow. I'm speechless and my jaw dropped instantly. I take it he didn't go to S-anon or IC...

Jrazz, you're too funny!

"I'm not looking to face what I did, I just want to run away from it with my fingers in my ears screaming 'la la laaaaaaa!!' and I'd like you to do the same."

Gonna,

(@Kajem--if I remember correctly, didn't your X take the whole being voted as Biggest Dick thing as a compliment because he mis-understood? )

You remember correct, my friend. He puffed his chest and strutted. He has NO idea ... but he will be upset to know he wasn't in the running this year.

I take it he didn't go to S-anon or IC..

Au contraire, my friend!

He DID attend IC. Only to validate that it takes 2 people to R and *I* wasn't doing *my* part. That name-calling was *wrong*---I called him a liar (he is), a cheater (he is), a dickhead (he pulled a real dickhead move, so he got called a dickhead), and a sneaky fucker (same as dickhead, he did something that showed that he was an incredibly sneaky fucker and I called a spade a spade). Boo-f'n-hoo.

His head is so fucked up that he acts as if HE's the BS. It.Is.Insane!

He joined SI for a couple of months last summer.....to complain about me and how *I* was 'doing it wrong'. He posted in July with some title like 'the end is near' or some stupid crap like that....and that post was filled with all of his angst because....*gasp*....I was actually behaving as a separate person and not being a rugsweeping doormat. What he failed to mention....was that he had vapored on me and his kids in order to take back up with his latest OW. So he's boo-hoo'ing about his marriage while actively cheating. What.Ever.

And yep...he's also been attending some type of SA meetings AND a CSAT, too. He goes to the meetings in order to look around and hone in on the guys that are still married so that he can then tell me that there ARE people who stay married and whose wives are *forgiving*. Heaven forbid if he actually acknowledge that he was still actively *using* and showing ZERO improvement.

When I reminded him of an admonition from more than one IC that he should not have any interaction with females other than family, he told me that he didn't know why because none of those other guys that attend the meetings have to live under that type of restriction.

He lives in a completely 'alternate' universe. It's creepy as hell that someone's head can be so messed up.....