SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in Feb that my WS was having an EA for about 20 months. He said it was over. I found out in March he was still contacting her "as friends." I found out in April that they had actually met in person for the second time at the beginning of March. He says they held hands and kissed...nothing more. (OW and her BS were camping in our area and they met for an hours so I believe him). Its enough for me to feel betrayed.

We have been going to MC off and on for 5 years. Our family has had one crisis after another and I believe that DH used this EA as an escape. He has been waiting for me to do all the changing and though I have been working on being more positive, I have to admit, I have been overwhelmed with life in general and my focus has not been on him. I am working on communicating better but sometimes the stress and pain of everything makes me act like a b-------.

He wrote the NC letter, I believe he isn't in contact. He says he wants to work on our marriage. He is reading a lot of books. It doesn't seem like enough for me. I have been reading his emails to OW so that doesn't help since I see that he basically said the same things to her that he use to say to me and I also see that he paints himself as an emotionally in tune person when he isn't. (An example would be he and his OW discussing the deep meaning of the Beatles songs to express their "love" while I was making my sisters memory board before her funeral and starting a new hotmail account to save their correspondence while I was dressing for my sisters funeral. . .Yet he claims he was supportive of me. He was in affair-land, he had no idea how hard it was to lose a second younger sibling in just two years time.)I believe he is severely Passive aggressive in our marriage. He is easy going, fun, and caring to everyone else.

Since the summer he has been in IC with our marriage counselor working on issues that pertained to our marriage. (He didn't tell the counselor he was having an affair and had been for a year before starting this IC). The counselor knows now and we are in marriage counseling. We are talking about getting another counselor for marriage because of the IC my husband has had and my feelings that he might be biased. However, the last time we met, I felt the counselor really supporting me and challenging my husband.

Also, we have three kids all of which are in crisis. One is a drug addict and a minor, one is 21 and struggling emotionally while trying to get through college, and the other is suicidal and has been in mental hospitals 4 times since Feburary and many times last year also. She was hurt in a bike accident 2 years ago and her emotions are out of control. I believe that their problems are caused by all the marriage difficulties and lack of problem solving skills which are obviously rampant in our family.

Anyway, I don't think we can focus on saving our marriage at this time. There are too many distractions and responsibilties. (for instance every day is a huge stress because our 17 y/o is out of control, on drugs, and in trouble with the law. Its a constant drain on me emotionally just to make it through the day with him alone.)

I was thinking we could stay with the counselor we have now until the summer when we can focus more on us. We both have the summer off. Then we could get a new MC and it will be make it or divorce. At this point I am so hurt by what my husband did while we had so much going on already. I don't think he is going to change much as an emotionally available person, which I really need. And he is sooooo dishonest. . . mostly because he wants to be "nice." Which is so not nice.

Do you think I am foolish to want to wait another month before changing MCs?

Anyway, I don't think we can focus on saving our marriage at this time.

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I don't think he is going to change much as an emotionally available person, which I really need. And he is sooooo dishonest.

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Do you think I am foolish to want to wait another month before changing MCs?

I'm honestly wondering why you are considering R with him at this time? He isn't available to you or the kids... what's the point? He isn't there anyways...

You need help with the kids and probably a good IC just for you - maybe one for the kids too.

I don't think changing MC's is going to help if your husband isn't going to change, help or be a part of the family.

Focus on you and your kids, if he is in, well, he's in and if he's not... well he's just not. And it doesn't sound like he will be.

Good luck. My heart breaks for you and your kids. To say the marriage is the kids' problem is probably a stretch - they may have more problems from a stressed out mom and an absent dad.

My heart goes out to you. I wish there were something concrete I could do to help.

I reject the idea that you act like a b------, however.

My bet is that you feel anger and grief and fear as a result of being betrayed by an H who isn't any where near fully remorseful (and may not be remorseful at all) - and the pain of your H's A is compounded by the difficulties your children are experiencing and the losses you've and in the recent past.

You've got so much horror going in you your life and your family's. What sort of support do you have? Friends? Family? Pastor? Especially if your support is weak, I urge you to consider IC - I mean now, not in a month.

I know it's difficult to think about your M now, but I urge you to read the Healing Library, especially about the 180. ID your requirements for R, let your H know what they are, and file for D if he doesn't agree to meet your (reasonable) requirements.

You sound like you're carrying terrible burdens without help. It's time for your H to help or get out of your way - but you need to tell him to make that choice.

(((LTF)))

Does this OW's husband know about this affair?

If not - why hasn't he been told?

Personally,

If my husband continued contact with this woman - his butt would be out the door; and I'd spend my energy and emotions on myself...and my children.

You've put up with his nonsense and lies a lot longer than I ever would; but that's just me.

I am seeing an IC. She is helping me to focus on one day at a time since the thought of leaving at 53 is overwhelming. I have been with my husband for 30 years, was a stay at home mom, and planned for the future around being together.

I have also gone to hospice when my brother and nephew were killed.

My kids have had counseling off and on. Two are still going but I don't know if they talk about the marriage. They may not even see the effect it has on them. They are deeply loved by both of us. They love their Dad very much. He is the happy go lucky one. He is fun. It hurts them to hear that he was cheating but it didn't change their feelings toward him. One daughter was more mad at me. Because "I treat myself like s..." She thinks I should just move out and start over. She doesnt understand the realistic aspects of that or even the emotional ones, he is the only man I have ever been with. I had his children and built my life around him.

As for the OBS, I have tried to contact him. There is a long post about it. I have had to let it go for now. It was really pulling me down when I couldn't just get it over with. He lives far away and she is blocking my efforts. It was becoming an obsession to tell him because I felt like I couldn't move on until he knew. I still want to tell him but I need to do the work of gathering evidence and sending it up there instead of just calling.

We go to counseling today and I am suppose to report about the other recommended MCs. I am feeling that I would rather stay with the one we have for now since he knows us. If we go to another MC I want to be ready to do all the work. At this time I think I am too conflicted about what I want in our future to truly put everything into healing our marriage. I also think that my husband will not be able to focus on it either. He has not put us as a priority through the years and right now he is focusing and its not enough for me. I realize that when we go to other MC, it will be make it or break it this time. I want us both to be ready to give it all we have.