SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have apologized and disclosed. I am transparent that I feel like a hologram, honest, attentive, submissive, and accountable. I’ve alienated myself from friends, family, and activities that used to bring joy. I’ve become a recluse, “underfoot,” 24-7, yet none of this has helped. We are both miserable and he has developed a sense of entitlement in speaking to and treating me like a child, often using terms such as “defiant, disrespectful, manipulative, etc.” when referring to me. He questions my every move so it is clear that I am to seek his permission prior to doing anything (grocery shopping, exercising, writing) or any activity that takes me out of his sight or reach for a moment.

I am a figure fitness competitor (hobby). I went to the gym last night. Invited him, but he declined. I don’t like having to keep a constant eye on my phone so I usually, I leave it in the car. He did not like this so I offered to bring it into the gym but place it in a locker. He went ballistic, so I carried it from machine to machine. During this time, he sent an endless stream of text messages to tell me I was defiant, disrespectful, had ruined his life, etc. Unable to focus, I gave up and went home. I tried to talk to him – big mistake -. He continued the insults, announced he was leaving and started packing.

Unlike recent times; when I would plead, grovel and cry, this time I agreed that he should leave. You see, I have a congenital heart condition and I am 2.5 years post-device implantation. My BS knows this but can’t control his emotions. He lashes out so frequently and the verbal and emotional abuse is so hard to withstand. This is clearly taking a toll on my health as I noticed that when he starts this game of what I call “cat and mouse,” I become symptomatic with sweats, dizziness, rapid heart rate, neck pain, difficulty breathing and a squeezing sensation in my chest that scares the hell of out me. Recently, I became so concerned about these new symptoms that I saw my cardiologist only to get a new diagnosis of A-fib and A-flutter. They recalibrated my device and prescribed blood thinners, which I refused. Instead I opted to take baby aspirin 3x daily, avoid stress, return to the gym etc. So when he said he was leaving and started packing, I knew I could not be his audience. I started crying and could not stop. I became so symptomatic that I honestly feared a stroke. I called a previous client, now friend, who is also a physician. She left her home and met me in a grocery store parking lot. She spent 3 hours trying to calm me down in her car. During this time, my BS called and texted repeatedly. When saw the texts I saw that he had threatened to call everyone he could to report me missing, including the police. My friend called him and explained what was going on. He listened to her, promised he would let me rest if I came home. I went home and woke up this morning anxious, afraid and in such a hurry to get away from him that I did not take a bath. I think my situation is hopeless and I should just let him go. I welcome any advice as I am really at the end of my rope here.

[This message edited by FUTURE at 1:08 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Have you read this?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

So when he said he was leaving and started packing, I knew I could not be his audience. I started crying and could not stop.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, figure out what you want, and act on it. He started leaving, and you freaked out. Mixed messages much?

I don't condone verbal and emotional abuse from a BS--but lashing out? They're entitled to a little of that, after how we treated them.

I refer to it as lashing out, but it is abusive. And don't be mistaken, I am in no way feeling sorry for myself. I could not stay and be his audience because he would not have quietly packed. It would have included name calling, yelling, crying, etc. All while our children were upstairs. So I made the decision to not be his audience. I also made a decision to work on the marriage if he was willing to do the same. I made my decision to work on saving the marriage even before he discovered the A that ended shortly after it started and was over before he even knew it had happened. It is his decision that seems to change from day to day and I have no control over his decision nor actions and sometimes neither does he. One day he wants to work on it. The next day, if I don't behave the way he would like, or if he is not clear on something I've said to him, instead of talking about it, he verbally attacks and says he wants to leave. He has done this so many times in the last 10 weeks that I am beginning to think he really does not want it. I understand he is hurting but it is what he does when he is hurting that it hard for all of us. As an example, instance, when he discovered the A, he called my children downstairs and proceeded to tell each and every one of them, ages 27 to 8, including my 5 year old grandson. The little ones were so traumatized, crying, screaming, demanding that he leave their mother alone, and leave the house as he tried to throw me out etc. It was a terrible scene for which I take ownership of because I am the one who messed up. What I did was so wrong on so many levels, and I know he is devastated by my actions, but was that the appropriate manner or time in which to tell our children? I don't think so, because we have since seen very negative and disturbing impacts on the children, one of which started smoking marijuana and self-mutilating, etc. He has apologized for telling them and how he handled thing that day and I have apologized to them for stepping outside of the marriage. We are supposed to be working together to help heal, heal the marriage and ultimately ourselves. So, so I don't need him preparing me for an early grave and the kids don't need either of us yelling, arguing, crying, etc. in their presence making them feel even more insecure than they do now.

I understand he is hurting but...

What I did was so wrong on so many levels, and I know he is devastated by my actions, but...

What I see is a woman not taking responsibility for her actions, and complaining about her lot in life. Pot, meet kettle--I get it.

So, so I don't need him preparing me for an early grave and the kids don't need either of us yelling, arguing, crying, etc. in their presence making them feel even more insecure than they do now.

This sounds very serious. If he won't pack and move out, maybe you should. For your health. And the childrens'.

I also made a decision to work on the marriage if he was willing to do the same.

Unfortunately, for some BSs it doesn't work like this. You need to show commitment for the long term before they'll even think of fully committing. Its just another normal reaction, a way to keep themselves safe.

You have every right to determine what your line is as far as abuse, FUTURE. IMO, what you've posted sounds like lashing out, venting, and setting requirements on you, but I'm not there to make a judgment call on if he's being abusive or not.

Look, he wants to be in constant contact, even when you're at the gym. So what? After you've had an A, he needs what he needs. It sounds like he may need to be more important to you than your hobby right now. Is it really a problem to give that to him? I think if you start to see things like that, you may see a change in his behavior.

From what you're posting here, I'm getting a sense that something's missing. It almost sounds like you're questioning your own commitment to R. Can you really face this for the long term and learn to dig into your worst self, to learn to help your BH with his triggers by giving him what he needs?

There's a lot of "why can't he get over it" in your post. The sooner you can accept that he may never "get over it" the sooner you can truly commit to R.

I was hurt, devastated, crushed. And yet I knew that I didn't want to use my children as a pawn or some other fucked up thinking.

Future, R is not easy to say the least. You have a lot of work to do, so does your BH. Maybe that needs to happen separately. You have children to take care of and to do that you need to take care of your health. Boundaries are always good to put in place for both of you. Good luck

My BHwas extremely abusive after DDay. I thought I deserved it. You don't deserve it. Yes you screwed up. But that doesn't mean you deserve this. I HIGHLY recommend a good marriage counselor. And individual counseling as well. You can't change him. Your work now is to change you. You need to not victimize yourself and fix what's wrong with you. He needs to work this out too and nothing will get better while the abuse is going on. Yes, you were abusing him while having an affair but that doesn't justify his actions. Wrong is wrong. We all make our own choices. We all have to fix our wrong choices too.

This is rough. I know.