SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wh basically walked out on our family. He puts much more effort into talking/spending time with me than with our children As of now, my DD18 isn't in contact with him at all. DS12 has spent maybe 4 hours in his presence (w/ me there at DS request) in the last 5 months.

It's so hard for me to even try to begin my own life because the kids have been abandoned. WH spent years putting his own new beginning together while pretending R. He has a whole new life that doesn't include us and HE METHODICALLY TOOK THOSE STEPS TO DO SO, while we were all trying to make it work, believe in his promises etc.

DD18 is very social and has lots of friends. I also see that she is looking for safety and security from anyone outside the family. She is forming intense attachments with anyone that may provide her with a "safety net". She is not home much. Leaves for extended periods of time, but stays in touch with me during the times she is living with other people.

My DS 12 is introverted. He has friends at school but is not interested in going anywhere/spending time with friends. He has significant health problems that limit his activities. His primary mode of socializing is via computer games. The boys all get together on a game, they talk through headphones and it does seem quite interactive...but he is isolated physically from others, in his room all by himself.

I would like to widen my very small social circle. I want to start a new beginning for me, find out what I like and want to do, but I can't just leave my son at home alone! I even stopped going to IC when his sister was gone because the thought of him just sitting at home alone was too upsetting. He is actually a very happy little boy, however; I am always there.

I have a good friend. I am not physically attracted to my friend but if I was blind, would probably fall head over heals in love with him. Sorry if this is shallow, but that is just how I feel and I can't change it. My friend is the most empathetic, caring, puts himself last and trustworthy person I have ever known. For example...cell phones are a MAJOR trigger to me. I could be out having dinner with my kids and the guy at the next table spends most the time at dinner on his phone and it triggers me. A complete stranger! When my friend takes out his phone, I know it is because he is looking up info that might help me. I have NO triggers with his phone use or anything else he does. I trust him. I am not sure I could ever trust anyone else. He is awesome with my kids, does things to make my life better incognito, doesn't even want me to know he did it. I love him as a friend... he wants to be my boyfriend. In a way, I think it would be easier to just go that route...but not fair to friend. I have told him this and he says he doesn't care....I feel stuck. I can't explore a new life for me because my kids need me but I don't want to settle for less than a real life. BTW, friend will and always will be my friend..he is just pushing a little. And , I know i don't need a "man" for a fulfilling life. i just have no way of making a life of my own. No opportunities for adult interaction at work, don't wanna leave kids when not at work, all my friends are firmly married etc. etc.

Ive tried joining a gym...DS is too young to be left unsupervised on the few machines they will let him use, tried so many things. I can't find activities I can take him to that he would enjoy that would help me broaden my adult social life. Any advice would be so welcome.

I don't know what kind of health issues your DS has, but unless he's disabled mentally or physically, or your jurisdiction ha a law against it, 12 is not too young to be left at home for a few hours, especially if he is a good, happy kid. Why are you putting a road block like this in your own way?

I can't address the situation with your friend; if you're not attracted and don't want to try, that's it; it's your choice.

I can't find activities I can take him to that he would enjoy that would help me broaden my adult social life.

Gently, that's because DS12 does NOT belong at adult activities. First find a new age-appropropriate activity for him ... and that will allow you some personal time for your New Beginning.

That's the pronlem. And just to make it clear, I just want friends (female) and to find my way towards a life unfortunately, my new beginning,.I am stuck.cause I wont leave kids alone, and cause i dont know how.

That's the pronlem. And just to make it clear, I just want friends (female) and to find my way towards a life unfortunately, my new beginning,.I am stuck.cause I wont leave kids alone, and cause i dont know how.

Because you are putting up an artificial wall to prevent yourself from going out (you refuse to leave a 12-year old home alone), it is clear to me that you aren't emotionally ready for a social life.

Honey, 12-year olds babysit other kids. Safely. Responsibly. Is your son a fairly responsible kid? For his sake you need to start leaving him home alone. Start small, just long enough for you to run to the grocery store. Being home alone is a critical developmental skill. He needs this. You need it, too. But think of it as that he needs it. He needs to see a strong, capable mom who believes in him. He needs a good example of someone who rebuilds their life after tragedy.

As for how to rebuild, that is a challenge. I sometimes sing in my church choir, so that gets me out of the house sometimes for rehearsal. I also signed up at meetup.com to find local interest groups. I am actively searching for activities or groups I can join, including service groups where other people are assisted with something. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Something you used to enjoy but lost along the way? Is there something you always thought about but never dared try before? Or hey, how about volunteering at a Habitat for Humanity project in your area? Kids and adults are welcomed there.

It takes effort and going way outside your comfort zone. It's scary and, frankly, more than a bit unpleasant to put yourself out there and leave your kids home alone when you've never done it before. But it's what's necessary. So find a way to do it well.

I am sorry, but why can you not leave a 12 year old alone for a couple of hours? When I was 12, I was babysitting - meaning that I was without adult supervision caring for children younger than myself. Now this was before cell phones, but my mom always made sure that I had a phone numer for an adult if there was an emergency.

Why can you not carry your cell phone with you and go to the gym for an hour?

You need to step outside of your comfort zone and participate in grown-up activities. You can join a gym (perhaps an all women's gym), join some "meet-up" groups, take cooking classes, do church activities, get involved in political causes you feel strongly about, join a book club, volunteer, etc.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 10:50 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]