SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's a lot quicker to heal by finding someone interesting and attractive that seems to get you and doesn't think you're a worthless bag of shit.

This says a lot. If you think your WW sees you as a worthless bag of shit and the ONLY way you will ever heal from her infidelity is to find something "interesting and attractive who will get you"... then why are you staying married?

(((whoismywife)))) I know you're in a lot of pain right now and probably looking in every direction possible to help yourself feel better. Please know that the BS is not expected to be "the bigger person," but they are expected not to be hypocritical. How can you be upset with your wife for stepping outside the marriage when you're already on the path of doing the same thing? You claim you want to talk to someone who understands? That's what SI is here for. Everyone here is on, or has been on, the same rollercoaster. You want to meet with someone in person? Get a therapist. You want to open up to a "friend" about your pain - then find a guy friend. Opening up to another woman about your marriage and giving her the opportunity to comfort you and make you feel better about yourself is pretty much Step 1 in the Cheater's Handbook. The fact that you're being "honest" by setting up a dating profile where your wife can see it doesn't mean you're taking the higher road. If your end desire is to teach your wife "a lesson" in an effort to make her understand your pain, then own that. But understand that's not Reconciliation, it's Revenge.

The pain is unbearable, and made even worse by a WS who doesn't get it. Hang in there.

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:56 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

The fact that you're being "honest" by setting up a dating profile where your wife can see it doesn't mean you're taking the higher road.

I don't regard my dating profile as "honest" even if it is public. And I certainly don't consider it taking the high road. It just seems that getting even is never an option on here. You say it comes with guilt. I don't see that. Maybe I'm in "the fog" but the way it seems to me is someone nearly killed me and I'm supposed to just turn around and walk away? Cheating was never an option for me when I was married. Divorce wasn't even an option. My WW has opened the door to both possibilities and I'm just trying to work out for myself why one and not the other.

Maybe I am looking for an EA, but IMO that's a lot more acceptable

No, no, no...just no. Its is not more acceptable, welcome to justifications. They are excuses so that you don't have to own your own behavior. I'm a madhatter, it means I cheated and was cheated on. I am living with a man who had an EA with 2 women off Craigslist because he wanted someone to talk to. I was there the whole time begging for him to talk to me, let me know what he needed from me, what I could do. Nothing I guess, because when I said no to the threesome I was about to go through with he took two of the women we were in contact with and continued a "friendship." A friendship that graduated from hi how are you through our joint e-mail, to him giving them his private e-mail, to them chatting through g-chat incognito so I'd never find them, to him blatantly flirting with one of them asking for pics of her in sweats for him and saying it'd be such a long wait when she teased him about it. From there we fought, argued, i got asked to leave and when I did, while "dating" me he took her out to a wine bar for dinner. HE HATES WINE BUT SHE CHOSE THE DAMN PLACE!! Oh but your right he didn't actually have his dick inside her so all that means nothing. Maybe I'm projecting a bit here but your justifications sound just like his. An affair is an affair and betrayal is betrayal. It hurts, it sears and now you get to make her feel at least an inkling of what she did to you right? But its ok because you won't feel the pain of a remorseful wayward or at least the remorse of someone who knows they did wrong because according to you its all good.

Perhaps you didn't have an EA, I don't know what the messages said but you definitely crossed a very firm boundary. I think I need to step away from this thread, your justifications have made my blood boil. As a BS you should see them for what they are, the fact that you don't or are refusing to is maddening.

[This message edited by Unagie at 10:02 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

An eye for an eye only results in two blind people....

An eye for an eye only results in two blind people....

Yes I know. That was my reference to Gandhi.

The hardest lesson I've learned as a BH is that there will never be any justice. You are trying to put a bandaid on an amputated heart. It won't work and you may lose yourself in the process along with any chance of R.

I suggest, if you need emotional support, you try to find male friends or family members to talk to - or keep using SI if you don't have any. The only payback you can give her is to be the best you can be. Do a 180 on her and work on yourself. She may never come around. But the fog MAY lift for her. And if you want to have any chance at R, then you need to avoid destructive actions.

If you have an EA, you will only prove to her she was right to have her A in the first place.

It's a lot quicker to heal by finding someone interesting and attractive that seems to get you and doesn't think you're a worthless bag of shit.

No.

It would be unethical.

This is broken thinking.

Even if you taken the high road and been divorced first, you still need time to heal.

If he leaves me or I leave him, I will not be fit to be around for a while.

This rushing off to meet someone new looks no different than numbing your emotions with alcohol or drugs and if you're not careful you may wind up in an even worse situation.

It's very difficult sometimes when you're hurt and wounded to do the right thing.

But if you do it, know that you are doing it for yourself only.

You will be able to look in the mirror and say you did the right thing.

That's worth a lot more than the instant and false "feel good" you'll have by going forward with this stupid plan of yours.

Yes, I wanted to make a local female friend. Someone that maybe had gone through something similar. Where else am I going to find someone like that but on a dating site? Are there local chat rooms for infidelity survivors? I don't have any female friends and even if I did I probably wouldn't want them knowing about the trouble in my marriage.

THIS is a infidelity "survivor" website. But you seem to want to meet someone in the flesh.

How is bringing ANOTHER person into your marriage going help?

Seriously, file for divorce and be done. Neither of you sound mature enough to be married.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:13 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Neither of you sound mature enough to be married

Probably right. At least not married in the traditional sense.

After 6 months of my wife being insenstive to my pain I brought up the idea of having an open marriage. I guess people do it. I thought maybe I would be fine with it as long as there wasn't any sneaking around and lying. Her lying to my face hurt the second most so I thought maybe without the lies, being with other people would be okay.

After 6 months of my wife being insenstive to my pain I brought up the idea of having an open marriage.

An open marriage only works with a healthy relationship with excellent communication. It is not a solution to a bad marriage.

Ok. Let me refine my point....a blind person that has not learned how to find their way in the world despite their disability, will just stumble around, breaking shit and perhaps step into a street and be mushed by a bus.

You have a 3 yr old DD.

Do you really think it will be a healthy environment for her to grow up in if mommy and daddy are busy *blinding* each other?

Dealing with an unremorseful spouse is hell on earth. I.Get.That. BTDT. But looking outside of your marriage is going to do no good. None. If your spouse is unremorseful, and YOU turn around and cheat.....HELLO Charlie! Now your will NEVER be able to make any type of headway with that spouse because you have just handed them a loaded pistol. You'll bring up her affair - she'll bring up yours. You'll tell her that you only did it because you were hurt - she'll accuse YOU of being a shit husband and use the same excuse. She'll tell you that YOUR affair didn't hurt her and that she's past it and just wants to start over - thereby shutting down YOUR need to talk about HER affair.

As a solution --> it isn't one. If you just want to do something to give her a big old Fuck You on your way out the door.....well, ok. Not healthy, but whatever.

Just sit on this urge for a while and let it pass. If it doesn't, then re-evaluate whether you want to remain in the marriage or not.

SI is the last place you want to be if you are looking for sympathy or justification to have an A.

My WW tried that prior to consumating her A and she got hammered like you are. She didn't take the advice of the knowledgeable and caring people here and the result was very costly to our M. I hope you don't make the same mistake.

Wow, did I spin some massive lies and exaggerations! So delusional.

She'll tell you that YOUR affair didn't hurt her and that she's past it and just wants to start over - thereby shutting down YOUR need to talk about HER affair.

I never thought about this outcome. I do see an EA as a bandaid solution. I thought that leveling the playing field would be good but I can see your point.

Is my need for emotional support "from my wife" more important than either getting even or relieving her guilt? And would an EA make her less likely to open up and show true feelings? Very good point. I will have to think about that.

And AdamsApple, you're right. I am kind of getting hammered. I expected it, but I needed to get some perspective. I've read all about RAs on here and no one is really making the case FOR one. I like to know both sides of an argument before formulating an opionion so a big thank you to everyone who weighed in. I appreciate all the perspectives.

[This message edited by whoismywife at 10:39 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

PLEASE PLEASE listen to me!! You do not want to do this to yourself. I know because I speak from experience.

I do not designate myself as a Madhatter in my signature line, though I have at times then edited it. I hate that designation, it makes my skin crawl. I absolutely despise that I am what I hate most in this world... A liar and a cheater.

My story is extremely long, we have been married 19 years, she has had 3 PA and 1 EA that I know of to date. I have had an EA.

My EA started a couple of years after her second PA and just after I began to suspect her of another A, which turns out to be the EA that she was having. We have enough broken baggage between us to write a encyclopedia series on how to f*ck up a marriage.

My rediculous excuses to justify my actions at the time seemed very real and easy to stomach. She was having yet another affair, and my marriage was likely over, I wanted revenge! I wanted to feel loved! and most of all I wanted to feel an emotional connection with another woman, that I so desperately wanted from my wife and was not getting. It all seemed very fair to me at the time. We carried on the EA for a year, and then things changed in both relationships. My wife suddenly became more emotionally available, while my OW wanted more, she was at a point that she wanted me to choose, my wife or her. I chose my wife and never looked back.

I thought at the time that I was loading a cannon that I would eventually fire full force directly at my wife, I assumed that eventually details of her current affair would emerge and I would have the perfect arsenal of hatred and venom to fire back at her. I was so wrong... I held onto that secret for 10 years, and it ate me up inside and destroyed any and all ability to communicate honestly with my wife.

My wife recently participated in her third PA, and this one cuts more deeply than all of the rest. I came to a realization that our inability to communicate is such a huge part of why she strays. She has very low self esteem and constantly feels the need to be reminded how pretty and sexy that she is, and unfortunately there is an endless supply of men in this world that are happy to provide. The realization that I came to is that I contributed to this recent catastrophic event more so than at any other point in our marriage. My secrets and lies had built a wall between us that broke the lines of communication. My shame and guilt depressed me and made me unavailable to her. I understand there is never an excuse to cheat and that choice was hers alone to make, and that while my actions did contribute to breaking our marriage they did not cause her to cheat. But by that same token all of those years ago her actions broke our marriage, but the choice to have an EA was mine, and mine alone.

I hate to generalize but I will a little here, so please forgive me if I offend anyone. I believe that a majority of men view the act of sex as the breaking point in an affair, whereas a majority of woman view the "Emotional" portion as the actual affair and the sex is just a by product. So to the point, I don't think you truly view an EA as an actual affair (I know I didn't at the time), while your wife will likely be just as destroyed as you were by her PA (I know mine was).

I should point out that I recently (within the past month) disclosed my EA from all of those years ago to my wife. It took a tremdous amount of kicking and screaming on my part and a ton of support and encouragement from folks here on SI to do it, and to make sure that my revelation came from a place and a desire to heal rather than to seek revenge and throw it in her face. We are still working through all of this, so I have no idea what the outcome will be, we have a very firm boundary in place that whenever she wants to discuss my A I am not allowed to bring up hers, and when I want to discuss hers she is not allowed to bring up mine. They are separate and equally devastating affairs and we deal with them separately.

At the end of the take take this little nugget of knowledge from all of this. The excuse that almost every single WS will give is that there was something in their marriage that they were not getting and went outside of the marriage to get it. You are advocating the same exact behavior despite your reasons. I understand that being betrayed leaves you feeling broken and alone, that there is a tremendous desire to lash out and inflict the same kind of pain, but when it is all said and done lieing and Cheating is still just plain ole lieing and cheating despite the reasons. Your betraying your spouses trust, and crushing their hearts whether you believe they deserve it or not. It has nothing to do with being morally superior, we are all capable of tremendously horrible things given a specific set of circumstances, it has to do with our coping skills and our ability to deal with negative things in our life in a positive manner. Bad coping skills and poor life choices are still just bad choices despite the justification. Choose to make good choices that are healthy for you and the rest will likely fall into place.

I am kind of getting hammered. I expected it, but I needed to get some perspective. I've read all about RAs on here and no one is really making the case FOR one. I like to know both sides of an argument before formulating an opionion so a big thank you to everyone who weighed in. I appreciate all the perspectives.

I hope you don't let the hammering you took on this thread chase you away. You pain is SO raw, and it's so clear that you're just seeking ANYTHING that will help. Obviously, the end decision is yours to make, but just remember that you still have a choice. Regardless of who your wife is and what she did to you, I hope you can find yourself enough to know who YOU are. Are you the kind of man who cheats on his wife, even if you feel you can justify it? I'm inclined to say no. You were pretty up front with your actions here on SI, and you probably had some idea of what 2x4's would come your way. I wonder if you're really seeking to move forward, or if you're looking for someone to talk you out of it? Maybe you don't even know yourself yet.

Obviously your wife isn't stepping up to HER responsibility as the WS to help you heal from her choices. I am so sorry that you're in this place. You have a right to have your questions answered and your feelings acknowledged by her. Her shutting you out is just as selfish as her decision to stray. Perhaps what you should be exploring is why you're staying with someone who continues to make you feel like you don't matter.

(((whoismywife)))

Holy shit dude... You two are married with a 3 y.o. and you both are acting like you're in middle school....

If you want a communicative mature marriage/relationship you have to be determined on your end... If she will not build the determination on her end then get a divorce...

Just because there are broken people out there that will feed you validation doesn't make you all that and a bag of chips....

Think about it.... You're some catch right now wandering around with your dick in the dirt trying to cheat on your wife and child... Isn't that classy...

It's time to man up and grow up... Right now you're still in middle school playing idiotic games...

WB

my marriage was likely over, I wanted revenge! I wanted to feel loved! and most of all I wanted to feel an emotional connection with another woman, that I so desperately wanted from my wife and was not getting. It all seemed very fair to me at the time

Yup. Pretty much what I'm thinking right now.

She has very low self esteem and constantly feels the need to be reminded how pretty and sexy that she is

Just like my wife.

My secrets and lies had built a wall between us that broke the lines of communication.

This part does not ring true with me. One thing I've noticed is since having met and chatted with a few women on this dating site, I've gotten the attention I needed and I seem to be much happier and calm with my wife, not tearing her a new one over her A all the time, which makes her in turn nicer and less distant. I actually feel closer to my wife than I have in the past 6 or 7 months... maybe because I realize I'm just as fragile a human being as she is or because I can now sympathize better with her and understand a bit more why she did what she did... I don't know.

I fully agree that our communication needs work. We are scheduled to attend a weekend therapy session together that's all about communicating better. I hope it works... for both of us.

Just because there are broken people out there that will feed you validation doesn't make you all that and a bag of chips....

That's fine, but it works for now. It makes me aware that if my marrige collapses I won't be alone for life. That's basically the push, the ego-boost, I needed to be able to say I want a divorce. I wish my wife had afforded me the same courtesy. I have said before, I could get over her EA, sending naked photos to the guy, even a couple make out sessions, but having sex with the guy was absolutely past a boundary. She should have stopped. If she could have gotten her emotional validation or whatever from that guy, gotten some confidence up and then threatened me with divorce I would be much better off today. She justified taking all the way though. That was her choice. She can live with the consequences.

Are the women you are chatting with married?

Are you ok with being the OM?