SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One woman is married but we both root for each other. It doesn't feel like an EA with her. It just feels like someone who has had the exact same experience and is working on her marriage at teh same time I'm working on mine.

I'm not interested in being the OM. I wouldn't want someone hating me as much as I hate the guy that had his blank in my wife.

This part does not ring true with me. One thing I've noticed is since having met and chatted with a few women on this dating site, I've gotten the attention I needed and I seem to be much happier and calm with my wife, not tearing her a new one over her A all the time, which makes her in turn nicer and less distant. I actually feel closer to my wife than I have in the past 6 or 7 months

Keep in mind that I have 10 years of perspective on the effects that those lies and coverups have had. I also thought things were going much better at first, and thought that all of those things were exactly what I needed to snap us both back to reality. That lie over the next 10 years began making it easy for me to lie to her on a regular basis, at first over simple little things, then bigger and bigger things until one day 10 years later I realized that I was so far and distant from the person I used to be that I had no idea how to return, and no longer had any clue how to communicate honestly with my wife.

Your trying to rebuild the foundation of your marriage on the sand (a pile of lies that you tell yourself, and her), a true meaningful relationship that can withstand the trials of time needs its foundation built upon a solid rock (truth, and love).

Continue on this course and I promise you that one day you will wake up and hate what you have become. Your attempts to justify your actions are the same exact justifications that every WS uses in their minds to justify their betrayals. It is a broken mindset that leads to a path of destruction.

I'm not interested in being the OM.

Gently, but it sounds like you already are...I'm sure you've read Not Just Friends?

Look, I understand how you are feeling - but the energy you are using to get these other women to validate you is energy you aren't spending on repairing your M. I'll bow out of this, because you've ignored advice better than mine, but:

I wouldn't want someone hating me as much as I hate the guy that had his blank in my wife

That ain't up to you. My wife chatted with men online to validate herself long before she went physical, years before, and I hated those men with a passion every time I found out. But I didn't have the tools to handle it, and let eat me until I just quit checking up on her, then she went full tilt. If you think some woman's husband is going to say "that chap just needed my wife to inflate his ego, no harm done", you need to read more on the damage done by EA's on this site.

I can certainly relate to emotional loneliness, but a dating website is the very last place I would consider going for it until the relationship is as over as it could be and even a D is as over as it could be.

I would worry about WW now and esp. that silence. Silence with Perv means he is contemplating and not nice things. It's hostility and chances are will not amount to good things. He stores them up like a squirrel and then when he gets frustrated, shoots them out like a bbgun and has some form of revenge for them. But they are perceived, oftentimes instead of trying to talk them out.

I worry for how this could be used against you and wish you could have chosen a counselor or relative who has nothing to do with her. I have both of these and it's helped me through some massive bad times. And I can be clear in conscience knowing that I can't get dinged for anything.

I am lonely as hell, to tell the truth, but rely on friends from growing up or a few female relatives. One of my biggest goals is to be on my own for a time and be known and be independent and I don't want to start anything new if it ever happens, the way Perv did.

This is how he got into things with OW, the Pity Party with lies for desert. I'm certainly not making any comparisons, but I worry for the outcome of such actions.

I'm glad at least that you came on SI and are questioning it.

you've ignored advice better than mine

Just to clarify, I haven't ignored any advice. I've taken it all in. I do question some things but that's just to get a more solid understanding for myself.

Also, for what it's worth I haven't chatted with anyone on the dating site since my wife starting being nicer after I threatened divorce. I'm certainly not leaning toward an A but the thought has crossed my mind and SI seems like a good place to go for informed opinions about the subject.

From your profile:

We are in MC, trying to reconcile, but she still has feelings for him while working on regaining her feelings for me. They still work together. He still only comes to the office on Wednesdays and apparently has not violated NC. My wife assures me it is over and while her heart may still be with him, her head is with me and our daughter and over time she expects her feelings for him to fade and her feelings for me to grow.

Is all of this still the same? Are you in MC? Is she still working with him? Does she still have feelings for him?

If she is still shut off towards you, this might be why.

Seeking outside validation is all kinds of wrong. There have been a couple other WW that have responded to you - we felt that way also. I was curious myself and eventually it lead to an A.

What would you do if the lady your talking with wanted to meet for coffee?

When your talking to this woman about your marriages and 'rooting for each other', you are engaging in an EA. Keep telling yourself otherwise, but you are.

Check out the book 'Emotional Affair' by Gary Neuman.

I also think a hard 180 is your best bet. If she doesn't change then it's time to start thinking about D.

You don't need to live like this - you and your child deserve better.

Cheating was never an option for me when I was married. Divorce wasn't even an option. My WW has opened the door to both possibilities and I'm just trying to work out for myself why one and not the other.

These were always options, just not ones that you considered.

Your integrity shouldn't depend on what someone else does, or has done.

Just as you consider a PA more damaging than an EA, many a wife considers their husband's EA more damaging than a PA.

I know that you probably haven't posted everything, or all of the dynamics in your M, but it sounds like both you and your wife are emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable.

Starting over with someone else doesn't fix your deficits.

Is all of this still the same? Are you in MC? Is she still working with him? Does she still have feelings for him?

Our MC sessions are very few and far between. She still works with him on Wednesdays but says she doesn't have feelings for him but how do you verify that? I would think by the way she interacts with me which until recently has been very cold and distant.

My mistrust of her has partially helped me justify talking to other women. She explained to me one time that she wanted to go to a work Christmas party without me where the OM would be because she wanted to be perceived as a team player so that in case I left her she would still have a job. My talking to other women could be compared to that. Just trying to keep sharp in case we get divorced. But you're right. The 180 is probably the best way to go. I spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity and hating my wife... I need to move past that and focus on healthy self-improvement-type stuff. I just hate it when other people tell me that I need to move past it. :)

Your integrity shouldn't depend on what someone else does, or has done.

There's the integrity thing again. Are there different definitions or levels of integrity? Like, maybe my meter for measuring integrity is not so much about forgiveness and taking the high road as it is about getting even, handing out punishment and not being walked all over and made to look like a chump.

Like, maybe my meter for measuring integrity is not so much about forgiveness and taking the high road as it is about getting even, handing out punishment and not being walked all over and made to look like a chump.

If this is true then that is who you are. You aren't the guy that never considered having an affair, or getting divorced before starting a relationship with someone new. You were just the guy who didn't do it until you found the excuse to do it.

You were just the guy who didn't do it until you found the excuse to do it.

This sounds like a criticism. Are you suggesting that I was looking for an excuse to cheat? Not at all. There may be an element of truth to the fact that I was hoping my marriage would end because I was so unhappy but I never wanted my wife to cheat on me even if that meant that I could justify having someone new. I didn't even want anyone new until I got castrated by what she did. Even before the A, I thought how much better life would be if I was alone. I didn't want someone new. I just wanted out but divorce seemed like such a major failure especially since both my wife and I are from divorced families. I didn't want to continue the cycle but was too busy to focus on fixing our troubled marriage. I was too busy and my wife was... I don't know. Not interested?

Revenge gets you nothing. Revenge does not equal having integrity. This 2nd grade mentality of "she did it first, so I'll do it too" will do nothing but put another nail in the coffin and you will then have the offical label of "Cheater". Personally, that's a label I don't want.

My exwh did all kinds of horrible things to me, in addition to cheating on me. Did I ever retaliate with the same? Nope, never considered it. I'm proud of the fact that I carried myself with integrity and dignity. I did not stoop to his level and everybody knows that.

Let me try this one last time from a different angle. Please understand that I know exactly what you are saying, and feeling. I have had nearly mirror thoughts, I have even acted on them. I have the gift of time to look back and reflect and share that with you.

Prior to learning of your wife's affair would you have ever considered joining one of these dating sites? Would you openly engage other women in conversation about your marriage and other life problems? Would you have looked for comfort and emotional validation from another woman? Try and take yourself back before your wife's affair.. How would you view your current actions now if you take away the reason? Would you approve of your behavior or would you view those actions as the actions of a cheater? If your argument is that your seeking emotional validation from another woman is somehow making your marriage stronger, then you must acknowledge that along that same path of thinking your wife's affair strengthened your marriage just the same. Poor coping skills are poor coping skills no matter how you spin it. Her poor choices do not validate yours. Her choice to ignore your marriage vows does not excuse you from yours.

I dislike attaching morality to affairs. I don't believe everyone that has affairs are morally corrupt. I know several wayward on this site and in RL that I would not consider immoral people. I don't view my WW as immoral. I think it has more to do with a persons ability to make decisions, both good and bad. Our ability to cope with adversity and perceived injustices in life ad marriage.

It isn't criticism, just an observation.

Integrity is having consistent values and adhering in behavior to those values.

Having an affair to mete out punishment, to demonstrate not being walked over and being made to look like a chump is vindictive behavior. It can indicate that you are more concerned about how things appear than about how they really are.

Your statement that divorce seemed like such a major failure is, again, an indication of being most concerned about how things appear over being honest.

Being too busy to focus on fixing a troubled marriage usually results in an even more troubled marriage.

Prior to learning of your wife's affair would you have ever considered joining one of these dating sites? Would you openly engage other women in conversation about your marriage and other life problems? Would you have looked for comfort and emotional validation from another woman? Try and take yourself back before your wife's affair.. How would you view your current actions now if you take away the reason? Would you approve of your behavior or would you view those actions as the actions of a cheater?

Good point. No. I never would have considered joining a dating site or discussing marital problems with another woman. And the definition of integrity as something to do with acting consistently. So in this case, I guess I would not be acting consistently if I had an affair, or a least not consistent with my beliefs. However, punshing someone for bad behaviour is consistent with my beliefs so it's a hard one.

I think it's safe to say that anyone who has an affair has very little to no integrity. I guess what matters at the end of the day is what is your integrity worth to you? I don't know how important mine is...

What is wrong with integrity? It doesn't make you a chump. It means you can stand proud looking into the mirror and say I am not a cheater, I value myself, I honor my vows even when the woman I married didn't.

Do you really want your daughter to grow up and see YOU as an adulterer? As someone who broke up another marriage to get even with his wife? Or do you want her to grow up respecting you; knowing that you gave it your all to save the marriage? Knowing that though it all, you didn't stoop to that level?

This isn't a game

The consensus is that the person who got cheated on is supposed to be the bigger person, be full of integrity, and rebuild their shattered self-esteem over years of introspective work, meditation and yoga.

Um, no. The consensus is that everyone should behave with integrity if they want healthy, honest relationships.

What our WS has done to us should have no bearing on how WE behave. That's on us.

One thing I've noticed is since having met and chatted with a few women on this dating site, I've gotten the attention I needed and I seem to be much happier and calm with my wife

This made me LMAO, because it's the same way I felt. Even my kids noticed how much happier I was, during my EA.

One woman is married but we both root for each other. It doesn't feel like an EA with her. It just feels like someone who has had the exact same experience

She "gets you," right? That is how it starts.

This topic has been talked to death, and I think you've gotten great advice. However, I'm gonna jump in with my two cents, because I have felt exactly the way you do. My WH likes to say he can't empathize with me because "I don't know how you feel, I haven't experienced it." Cop out, but my first reactions to that was "well maybe I should have an affair so he can see how it feels!"

Now, I only tell this to myself, and only feel it in the heat of frustration, and never considered actually doing it. However, I did at times consider "testing the waters" so to speak by joining a site or going out with friends without my ring. My thinking at first was for the ego boost. But with further entertaining the idea, and with counseling and work on myself, I realized it was more to see what was out there, to decide if there was a chance at finding someone "better," to prove to myself that if we D, I wouldn't spend my life alone. I wanted to have something to compare, to judge my marriage against, to see if it was worth it to stay married. Of course that thinking is irrational, of course there are men out there better, nicer, more trustworthy than my WH. And I realized, that I shouldn't decide the fate of my marriage based on that. My decision to stay or go needs to be based on me, on us, our potential or lack thereof. Without any outside influence.

Anyway, I did not. What stopped me was my image of my character. I'm not a cheater. Period. It has nothing to do with not wanting to lower myself to him, or look myself in the mirror. I decided that if, in the future, I find myself single and dating, I want to be the same honest, trustworthy person that I would expect in a potential relationship partner. I want no black marks, no skeletons, no hipocracy. I want to work on myself, become confident in who I am, and be able to participate in a relationship that is healthy. And I have to be healthy to do that. And if we stay married, the same applies. I can't expect him to work on reconciling if he's not healthy (which he's not at this point) so I need to have the same expectations of myself.

Btw, in one of our heated arguments, I said to him "maybe I need to date to see what I really want." (Sometimes i still have poor reactions and lack of control). His reply: "maybe you should, will that make us even?"

So, if I had done that, I still wouldn't have gotten empathy. I would have gotten "we're even now," and a refusal to discuss anything related to his A, and there would be no hope for progress.

Sorry there isn't any real advice in this post, just wanted to share that I could see where you're coming from, and how I worked through it in my own head. Good luck.

So, if I had done that, I still wouldn't have gotten empathy. I would have gotten "we're even now," and a refusal to discuss anything related to his A, and there would be no hope for progress.

Something like this was mentioned earlier and I think it's a very good point. It wasn't something I had thought about either. I've gotten some really good advice over the last day and a half.

I also like your point about going into your next relationship knowing that you're not a cheater and having no skeletons. That's another valid reason to not have a RA.