SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is no way a WS can love a BS during an A.

I love ya, crazy, but this is a generalization and I need to point that out.

Many WS's claim to have still loved their BS's during their infidelities. If we are reconciling with our WS's we need to validate their feelings, just like we need our feelings validated. How do any of us know what any WS feels? Are any of us omnipotent?

I feel it is dismissive of WS's feelings if you claim that no WS can love any BS whilst having an affair. I am not going to be that person. WS's are human beings and have feelings. We need to respect the remorseful WS's feelings just like we expect ours to be respected.

I am confused about this:

But, I say I always loved BH

and then this:

when I was "grinding away" I had zero thought of my BH

^ that is not love

Don't get me wrong I am a madhatter but I know I could not have loved my WH when in A. It is an abusive and selfish act. How is that love?

I love ya, crazy, but this is a generalization and I need to point that out.

Many WS's claim to have still loved their BS's during their infidelities. If we are reconciling with our WS's we need to validate their feelings, just like we need our feelings validated. How do any of us know what any WS feels? Are any of us omnipotent?

I feel it is dismissive of WS's feelings if you claim that no WS can love any BS whilst having an affair. I am not going to be that person. WS's are human beings and have feelings. We need to respect the remorseful WS's feelings just like we expect ours to be respected.

Okay okay maybe I was generalizing. Maybe a remorseful WS that has not had more than one DDay. My Wh oh boy ... yeah I fail to see how he loved me.

Guess i am triggering with this one eh?

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:35 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided I won't pretend, for a moment, to put myself in your shoes or imagine how you feel.

Please grant me the same courtesy.

I would generalize this: WSes in the A are not fully in touch with reality. I accept that my W thought she loved me during her A and that I felt love during her A - but IMO she was lying to herself and to me. I imagine that applies to lots of WSes.

In other words, it depends on your perspective....

I struggle with this a lot. Especially when she spent so much of her available time with this guy for nine months sleeping with him in cars, in his parents house, in her aunts house, thank god she never brought him to our house at least.

But she says she loved me the entire time, but also says she told him she loved him... I still wonder who she was lying to, me, him, or herself.

An affair is many,many acts of abuse..I don't see how that is in any way an act of love.

But then,my WH used to hit me,and tell me he loved me the next morning so maybe my idea of love is warped.

Maybe love equals abuse for some people. *Some* people..not all people.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:02 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

My H hated himself more than he loved me

I can relate to this statement. My SAWS has stated the whole time that his self loathing and depression and feeling like he was such a POS is what allowed him to cheat on me with whores.So this sentence ( if this is the truth with him) is exactly my same situation. He always says that it didn't feel real and like it wasn't really him when he was with them. I always ask, well where was I? and he says with the "real" him, not the broken one he was when cheating, yeah, this is my life now, a whole of bunch shit that makes no sense.

I have never cheated, but I do not see how you could go through with it if you love your spouse. I just don't get that at all. WS says he was zoned out, like it wasn't real, but the calls to the whores were real, the money was real and yes, the sex was real. So, my mind is fucked by all of this crap that will never be understood by me.

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 8:07 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

I think a generalization on this is quite accurate.

Like one said, they had zero thoughts of their spouse when having sex with the affair partner, but then claimed they loved them the entire time. Sorry, those two statements don't jive.

Now I won't doubt that a WS THINKS they loved their BS the ENTIRE time, and does love them at some point during the affair and after its over. But not the ENTIRE time.

Thats the point. Where was the love when laying down with the affair partner? Out of mind.

If they loved their spouse, they wouldn't be having sex with someone else. I don't care what anyone says about that.

Say that there was a lapse in reality for the WS, whatever. But the WS did not love the BS the ENTIRE time.

nofool4u,

Please refrain from generalizing, there is a guideline against it for a reason.

Furthermore, now you're speaking on behalf of what a WS thinks/feels. Since you have no experience with what goes on in the mind of a WS it would best if you stuck to what you went through as a BS and your situation only.

..well, there's love..whatever that word is supposed to be, and then there's sex and all the crazy discombobulated definitions, rationalizations and justifications 6 billion people can come up with, all different..

..based on how much of it one thinks they got or missed out on while they grew up.. and how many Hollywood movies on the subject that they watched and how many sappy songs by the Lettermen and Barry Manilow that they listened to for hours on end.

..i don't believe anyone can define love for any other person.. it is totally subjective....proceeding from one's personal consciousness and ego, created in the mind's fanciful and imaginary eye.

..so we are left to either believe or disbelieve that our partner loved us while they were fucking someone else..

Are you kidding me??? What the Fuck are we supposed to think about such a fucked up concept.

..love sucks!! I'd rather discuss the merits of trust, loyalty, commitment, honour, integrity, accountability, devotion, respect and friendship..

..i'd gladly accept those qualities from a spouse and leave 'love' out of the equation entirely.

..if what i got was love.. you can fucking keep it!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:44 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Oh Yes, Perv declared this during the two days I think he was really trying to reconcile. When we decided to renew our vows and he moved back in.

In my mind, "love" is one of those words in life that comes in shades of grey. It is also a multi-faceted concept.

And in my experience both in life and in counseling, it is said that "love" is a word used for different reasons, in different ways, in different thinking.

I suspect that "love" can also be complarmentalized, along with the person it is attached to, so that when a person is engaged in affair activities, they can allow themselves to do and think more than one thing at one time. I think this is how they can believe that they still "love" their spouse.

Perv went as far as attempting to give evidence, via actions he claimed went on. He said he cried for me and remembered my voice and some other things, but apparently it was not enough to stop what he was doing...or the other things he was doing...but he knew enough about me that I would possibly want to hear those concepts from him. He knows I am someone who needs evidence or reasoning.

You know, for me to hear that he never stopped loving me when OW was around actually hurt and insulted me, because he could claim those feelings but also choose what to do with them.

In effort to try to explain that, when I love something or someone, it suddenly becomes the most important thing in my mind and life, until it's either permanent or I've had enough. This tends to relate to things other than people, if that makes any sense.

Love about a person, for me, is "always".

And lastly, (this is big thing for me, obviously!), with love being differently, does everyone think of it as a verb? Or an action? Or an adjective?

For some people, it's a pleasantry and not a deep-rooted emotion, or something they enjoy.

Please refrain from generalizing, there is a guideline against it for a reason.

Really? Did not know that. I thought an opinion was just that.

Ok, good to know.

But I see generalizations all over the site. So I guess I'm a little confused here.

But ok, duly noted.

My WS says he never stopped loving me, as if its supposed to make me feel better. Do i believe him? i honestly don't know. He's full of remorse but I can't fathom how him sleeping with two slappers who chased him and offered sex, equates to loving me. He said he told them both, it would never go anywhere as he would never leave his wife. What kind of women were they? I know what my definition of love is but love like everything else is probably just relative.

Really? Did not know that. I thought an opinion was just that.

I think a generalization on this is quite accurate.

The guidelines are posted to the left, in the yellow box.

But I see generalizations all over the site. So I guess I'm a little confused here.

Not really, we're very good at catching them.

Ok, so here is my problem with the whole concept.

Was the WS thinking "I love my husband/wife" when they were having sex?

I know this seems like I'm being smarmy here, but I'm not. Think about it. What was going through their minds when getting it on with the affair partner? Because I can't see loving a spouse when doing that.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 10:00 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Our IC said it best. "An affair is an angry act." Love and affair are mutually exclusive in his mind. However, my wife for along time said she loved me while in the affair but hated herself.

Nevermind, " what kind of women were they" I also think what kind of man was/is he. Seems love only becomes real for some ws once they realise they can't have their cake and eat it and might in fact lose their marriage altogether and in the case of my ws for what - sex with two slappers that didn't mean anything. I am just taking each day at a time in this nightmare. .

heartbroken got to the bottom of this question for me:

. . . my definition of "love" was solely feelings-based and not at all actions-based.

My WH felt "love" for me during the A. But he did not act in a loving way towards me (in fact, he was emotionally abusive).

It's a question of definition. For me, the feelings part of love is nice, but shallow. Feelings of desire, affection, and romance can come and go like the tides.

The kind of love that I want is deep and enduring. It's a constant decision to be my WH's best friend, to support him, challenge him, work and play with him.

Wedding vows are about love in action. We don't promise to be infatuated until death do us part, or that every f*ck will feel like the first time.

WH and I defined love for our relationship with our vows. He said:

[quote]I, WH, take thee Sailorgirl to be my lawfully wedded wife.

I will stay by your side, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live.

That was love I wanted, expected, and gave to him. When he says he loved me during the affair, it's an insult.

Not sure if this helps, but my wh said that he compartamentalized. he said he never thought of me when he was with her and he never thought of her when he was with me. He said talking to her and being with her was like a fantasy life (like a job, or like he was an actor in a play) and coming home to me was reality. He didnt act any differently towards me during the affair and he even did some extra gestures to show he cared. He said he never once pictured me not in his life, he never once pictured what it would be like if i found out or the pain it would cause. He said he just pushed everything out of his mind. I believe him because in the two months he was seeing her he bought me a $100,000.00 vehicle that i dont think he would have risked losing if their was a chance we could get divorced.He said he did think he had strong feelings for her but mostly because she was feeding his ego and he felt good about himself. Our marriage counsellor said alot of men who have affairs are able to compartamentalize their lives. Hope this helps.