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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 12:31 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2013
many stories of unwavering love is a bit painful for me, WS told me he didn't love me
FWH told me he loved me whilst having his affair. What does it matter? He loved me and he fucked it. What if he really didn't love me? He didn't love me and fucked it. I don't see a difference here really, he still fucked it and that is what hurts.
Once again I will share that if your WS claims that they always loved you even whilst having an affair, ( and I do think it is possible due to compartmentalization ), that it is dismissive of a WS's feelings to insist that they didn't love you.
You may feel that they didn't love you, and those are your feelings and thus valid, however, to tell the WS that they didn't love you is just........dismissive. Who are you to tell the WS how they feel? You need your feelings validated by your WS, and your WS needs their feelings validated by you.
I don't care that my FWH says he loved me whilst cheating. If that is the way he feels, fine. But, it makes not one bit of difference to me. He did what he did, whether he loved me, hated me, or was totally indifferent, it matters little how he felt as what matters was his actions.
I will stand by my FWH and any other WS who professes that they still loved their BS whilst cheating on them. It is not my place to tell anyone how they feel or don't feel.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2013
The problem is most WS definitions of love at the time of the A is beyond messed up. They probably believed they loved us, but again their definition is messed up and probably different from the one a less messed up person has.
Love and commitment are not inter-changeable. Were they committed to us ? No. Did they love us in their own messed up way of thinking ? Maybe.
If love is a verb that I can't really agree with my W when she says that she still loved me. Trying to change my definition to make me believe something doesn't make it correct. It also invalidates my feelings. You have to wonder who are they trying to convince us or themselves ?
"Oh, you loved me the whole time ? Whew." It is kind of like finding out you won a dollar on a lottery ticket that cost two.
If that was love, I'd prefer not to have it. Further it treads dangerously close to justification of choices that they made.
Having an A is not acting lovingly towards your spouse. If love is a verb as we have read about in various books, the action of the A was not love. It was closer to indifference (see opposite of love) Whatever she wants to tell herself to sleep better at night is fine as long as it does not become a rationalization or minimazation. Just respect my feelings too.
Does it really matter ? Does it make it less painful ? All As hurt. Intent and feelings during the time are just background noise to the choices that they made. In the end, they still made them and that hurts.
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2013
"Oh, you loved me the whole time ? Whew." It is kind of like finding out you won a dollar on a lottery ticket that cost two.
LOL that's how I felt too. And then mine gave the ol' "Well I am staying here with you, doesn't that show how much I love you?" Yes, yes it does 
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
tearingaway ( member #28618) posted at 8:40 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2013
Sorry, but it's not love when the WS is screwing somebody else. There have been plenty of arguments among members here at SI about this topic.
As far as I am concerned, I don't give two shits what the WS says or how he or she "feels" about it. As the WS goes about the business of humping his/her AP, there is no love there for the BS.
[This message edited by tearingaway at 2:41 PM, May 31st (Friday)]
bloodstream ( member #32999) posted at 10:59 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2013
And then mine gave the ol' "Well I am staying here with you, doesn't that show how much I love you?" Yes, yes it does
My WH said this same thing!!!! I still do not understand how that is supposed to be comforting. I mean, WTH does that even mean????
Ugh.
me: heartbroken
him: the one who did it
in R
lovehurtstomuch ( new member #38836) posted at 4:30 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2013
My husband said the same thing "Im still here ain't I" that doesn't mean shit! You were here when you had the affair, didn't stop you then, why would it stop you now??
I always thought love ment becoming one. After making love you just want to melt inside of each other. Too feel what the other is feeling, when there in pain your in pain. To comfort one another, and always be there for each other. When there away you're heart aches from missing them. When you argue/fight, you have great make up sex. You would give your life for them.
It should of felt wrong to them, out of place. That first touch, first kiss. .... should of made them feel guilty from the beginning and want to stop it!! My husbands body is mine and only mine!! He should of felt the same.
BW-39
WH-39 Affair on & off for 5 yrs, plus a one night stand from dating web apps. My gut tells me there is more.
Married 17 yrs
DDay May 11, 2012 TT for months
Divorced Feb 20 but wking on R
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