SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday(s) for me was angry, violent and full of affirmations of D. I've since cooled down.

WH is deployed. He has said he wants to keep communication open between us and is interested in my short term plans. Says he loves me and the kids and misses us. My emails have been guarded and I told him I still care about him but feel very hurt. The tone of his emails is one of hopelessness, he says he doesn't know what he can do to make it better or if it's even possible. I told him there's absolutely some action he can take, we've even discussed it very clearly and in detail before (I.e. counseling, figure out the whys, etc)

A friend of mine suspects that, with his given up attitude, he wants me to be the one to call it and pronounce our marriage dead. So he doesn't have to officially do it. This makes sense to me.

Recently I asked him where he wants to go from here. He said I don't really know. To me it smacks of giant red flag and makes me think he's still detached/detaching and his miss you/love you sentiments were just attempts to deflect my anger.. I don't know. Any input on the situation would be appreciated.

Yes. Even though they are the cheaters, they want the BS to be the one to pull the official plug on the marriage. This way they can say they really never wanted the D, but you did. It is a typical wayward move. It makes them not feel as guilty for what they did. Notice that hardly any WS's file for D on this forum. They may leave their BS for the AP, but they usually don't do the filing of the D. They are chickenshit cowards to the 100th degree.

Yes. Even though they are the cheaters, they want the BS to be the one to pull the official plug on the marriage. This way they can say they really never wanted the D, but you did. It is a typical wayward move. It makes them not feel as guilty for what they did. Notice that hardly any WS's file for D on this forum. They may leave their BS for the AP, but they usually don't do the filing of the D. They are chickenshit cowards to the 100th degree.

^^^^^THIS!!!!!!! In spades. They're chickenshits. My STBX certainly has made much of the fact that I filed for D and I kicked him out of the house. He loudly proclaims that he never wanted this and it's all my fault. He's a coward.

Well my WS did the filing, after many threats to let him come home or else. (While he was still pursing OW mind you!) AND he still claims I'm the one who wanted the D, and who did "this"...whatever.

But I do agree with the others, if he wanted to save the marriage he'd be fighting for it - not passive! Yeah, red flag.

Now I'll tell you want my lawyer told me, as far as filing, "Don't be in a rush if you know you will be in a worse financial situation during and/or after the divorce...Use the time to line up your ducks."

Thank you for that advice. I guessed as much.

So does that mean he really doesn't want to reconcile at all? He's really given up?

Was your d-day as recent as your registration here? If so, and given that your husband is deployed---and therefore can't really assess the situation and work on it in the same way he would if he were with you---I don't think I'd see "I don't know" as a huge red flag.

I think not knowing, early on, is very common. I think it's terrifying even for the WS who really, really wants to R, but does not know where to begin.

If you want to R, let him know. You DON'T have to be the one to pull the plug---if that's his aim (which is not a conclusion to which I'd immediately leap, this early on), he can more fully form his thoughts, and take responsibility for ending the marriage.

In the meantime, where is he, in terms of the affair? Is he NC? Is he working on figuring out whys? How often are you able to talk, with him deployed?

I think not knowing, early on, is very common. I think it's terrifying even for the WS who really, really wants to R, but does not know where to begin.

Here's my take.

It may be terrifying, but if you reverse the situation, what would you be doing and saying?

There's a difference between saying, "I don't know.", and saying, "I don't now, but I want us, I want you, I want our family, I am filled with remorse, can you help, I'll do anything, etc.

Right?

solus,

thank you.. we had a dday about 4 years ago, EA/PA, then another few ddays in march and april. i am beyond upset by this recent turn of events and i feel foolish to even hope he has wishes for R. a few months ago i wanted nothing more than to pull the plug. today, i just want to hear he would do anything to get us back.. that he cares enough to try.

his situation is a little unusual in that there isn't an AP per se, he's been kind of an attention whore/attention addict (if there is such a thing??).. using multiple women for validation through texting/FB, and at least one for sex.. i'm not sure he keeps in contact with any of them except for one of his EAPs. i'm not certain though. we are able to email a few times a week.

nomistake,

he's gone back and forth between saying how sorry he is, and he'd do anything, and he wants us back, to getting angry and hopeless and saying things like "what's the point, we are over anyway." currently he's seemed very tentative and sort of like he is testing the waters.

but you're right. there's a big difference when you add "i want to be with you".. a very clear message.

i'm so tired of the uncertainty and rejection. thank you everyone..

It doesn't sound like his giving up is the issue. It sounds like what he wants is to have the image of being married AND doing what he's doing, but if he can't have both then he prefers doing the other.

He knows what he wants, he just isn't telling you.

RunningBlind -

". using multiple women for validation through texting/FB, and at least one for sex."

This bothers me. Your statement about his need for validation is a red flag. Is he working this need for validation? Does he admit this? Does he talk about the problems? If you think he needs validation from other woman, how can you trust him?

I think you need to be very, very careful about linking his behaviour and uncertainty to the deployment. As someone who has been deployed I can say that while he is in a stressful situation and may be confused about allot of things in majority of cases I've seen when the deployed member states that they are uncertain sour their relationship, it's simply because they are uncertain about their relationship.

Many spouses and members try to "blame" the deployment or use it as an excuse or poor behaviour (not necessarily affair related) which in some way validates the negative behaviours and prevents the real issues from being examined.

I was deployed recently with a friend who wanted to end her relationship but kept thinking that maybe it was deployment related, she eventually realised it was more then that and she had been wanting to end it for a long time.

Her partner who was also deployed but in a different province with whom I also work believed that she was going through deployment stress and essentially ignored the looming issues that they were facing before they left. When he asked her if it could just be stress and if it could be fixed she said that she didn't know, I'm not sure why because she was actually very certain that she wanted it over. Perhaps she thought she was letting him down gently but now that we are all home he has still not come to terms with it and thinks things will magically get better when she has moved on.

I loved my WH when I was deployed, I had no doubts. My WH stopped knowing what he wanted when he was deployed last time and i drove myself crazy making excuses and putting it down to stress it turns out he was in an affair with his ex which started before he left (she isn't military). I put myself through months of anxiety and wasted time that i could have avoided had I have seen or accepted the truth because deep down i think i I knew.

I have been in your position and I don't envy you at all. It's easy to feel trapped because no matter what he has done, if you leave you will carry the stigma of being the one to leave a deployed soldier especially in your own mind. This is augmented by the fear that something may happen to him, I struggled with this as it made me feel so guilty when I felt angry or thought of standing up for myself. And it was scary to not know my role or place should he be injured or killed.

You are going through so much running blind please take care of yourself and deal with one stressor at a time, like with any deployment tackle the manageable ones first, you're in no rush to make any decisions right now unless this situation is causing you harm. Feel free to PM me.

wonderingwhy,

he's said on at least one occasion that he wanted to change. i've told him since our most recent dday that i wanted him to work on figuring out WHY he felt the need for attention. he has said he would.

i know i'm not ready to trust him yet.. i just want to know he's putting in the effort.. but then that goes back to trusting that he IS putting in the effort i guess. i have no way of knowing. :(

nolight,

everything you've said makes sense.. it's easy/convenient for some to "blame" a deployment for ambiguity in feelings of the relationship. WH hasn't attributed his being overseas as the reason for his uncertainty, at the very least.. but it's something i will keep in mind.

it's true that WH and i have been having issues. for YEARS. but i believe that the majority of those issues, have stemmed from our first dday (his first DISCOVERED EA/PA) and the TT that followed. my inability to trust, my sexually rejecting him because of this. our lack of childcare leading to lack of quality alone time out of the house, vacations, stuff like that..

the way i would feel if something were to happen to him over there, we discussed in IC.. i WOULD believe i'd attributed to it in some way, causing him stress, pushing the issue, etc. it feels horrible. i may send you a PM after i get my thoughts together.

thank you guys for giving me something to think about.