SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I'll get 2x4's here. I just need to vent. He went out on Friday. I had no clue he was going anywhere until I see him getting dressed. I tell him have fun but apparently sounded irritated when I said it and he hung the phone up on his friend asking me what's wrong. We start this back and forth about what irritates me and what he refuses to do. He tells me I'm stuck in a rut. I told him before he did what he did I was throwing myself head on into us and after he did what he did and refused to own it I am now healing from my actions and his alone. I told him he tells me I can talk to him but when I try to he always throws my actions into my face as a defense for what he's done. At some point he says maybe we'd be better as friends. I was honest and said it would hurt to be his friend and know he's seeing someone else. At this point he says how do I feel the right to say him being with someone else would hurt me after what I've done. I looked up at him and asked so I can't feel hurt if you're with someone else? He said he just doesn't understand how I would feel the right to after my actions. It was like I couldn't explain it to him, that my emotions don't shut off because I made bad choices. He walked out mid discussion. Came back tipsy because he drank without eating and i didnt know he was back home until i came out the bedroom. The next day i had to wait but i refused to not finish what he started. I asked to speak to him and again he began comparing again. I asked him how long I would have to stand there and take him comparing our actions. He then said yea because I should be over it by now. I looked at him and said no, in no way have I ever said you should be over it, I am asking you to not compare and deal with these as two separate things. If you need to talk about what I've done, tell me I am more then willing but you don't get to sweep your actions because of mine. He blows up and tells me that fine what he did was wrong, he should never have done it and he never wants to talk about my actions ever again because it has nothing to do with him and its not something he will ever talk about again. The convo pretty much ended. We haven't spoken more then are you hungry since then...

Perhaps this is the wrong forum for this but I wasn't sure where to post it. I cannot vent to friends and family because they don't need to know these things but I needed to let it out. I've been camped out in my bedroom and he took the living room. I love him but I don't think I have it in me. I can't keep throwing myself at a wall and expect to win. I am more then willing to do the work and own my shit but it has to go both ways. I'm tired of fighting and I feel he just wants me to end it.

(((unagie))) I'm sorry, hon, that you're having to deal with such an ass, but no matter what choices you made in the past, it does not give him the right to tell you what you are allowed to feel or not feel.

He, and he alone, is responsible for the choices he is now making. Don't accept the responsibility for his shit.

Sometimes we love someone but the relationship is toxic. So sometimes we have to love ourselves more, and end the relationship. Sweetie, I think you're past that stage.

What's different?

What's different?

Not being dense here but what do you mean exactly?

Different in our interactions or different in our A's or different in what's going on between us? I can answer each of these now though.

Our A's our different in that mine was a PA and his was an EA.

Our interactions are different in that I am now standing my ground and not allowing him to blameshift and trying to get him to own his actions while still showing him I am doing the work to own mine and fix my brokenness.

Whats going on between us is not different week to week because he refuses to confront what has happened and prefers to close himself off to the emotion. I told him he runs away instead of dealing with hard emotions. When his mom passed it was years before he shed tears for her. When his dad abandoned him it was years before he let him in again and even then he was never going to let him fully into his life again. It was easier for him to push it away and shut that part of his life away. His BFF and him have had issues of loyalty with friendship and while he is still friends with him he holds himself back because of betrayals between them. His family did not want to get involved in what is happening between he and I and so he said fine and has shut them out of his life completely. I accused him of running away and never dealing with the issues and feeling them through to come out stronger on the other side. He said he's a runner and its what he does. Actually if I quote him exactly he said "I'm a running son of a...."

Honestly he needs to deal with how he approached hard emotions and situations. I know I can't do it for him. I know this is toxic for us. Hes been my life since I was 18. The though of leaving makes me feel broken but I know this is no good for either of us. Thank you for helping me through all this and being patient with something that seems so obvious to the rest of you.

i'm sorry unagie. to me you sound like a very sincere person who is trying her best. i'm afraid your bh sounds kind of immature.

I think you've been doing everything you can. I don't think he is. (granted, I only read what you write)

eventually, i think you two have to sit down and just ask yourselves, without pointing fingers, if the two of you can overcome this situation.

if the decision is yes then there must be a decision, on both parts, that you can not bring up past transgressions in anger. if you do, you will never be happy.

maybe it's just supposed to end? i'm sorry to say that. you clearly love him.

whatever happens, you are a loving person that deserves to be happy. don't let this last year or so define your life. you are young.

U - I'm asking you what is different about him this time that is different from other times. He's been a d*ck to you since your A and his RAs. Nothing has ever changed. I'm asking you why you are continually surprised by his jerk behavior.

(((Unagie)))

I'm sorry. None of this is easy. Everyday hoping that he would be different. Hoping that he would step up to the plate and be who he once was. Waiting for him to be different than he is now. Hoping that his softer, loving side would return. Please remember that you deserve to be treated better, but no one can rush you to make a choice on how to move forward. When you are ready, you will know. Heck it took me 14mos of R to gain strength and do what was right for me. Lean on us. Sending you strength.

Why are you engaging him? You know what he will say and do. You keep hoping for a different result. He's been done for a while. Chasing him and trying to persuade him differently is not going to work. Sorry.