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We are almost 3 years out from D Day and I think that you could safely say that fWH has moved on. Life is very good for him. He has gotten everything that he wants and more – his W is still at home handling all the daily tasks of living. He goes to work at a job that pays him very well and allows him to buy his “toys” and play golf several times a week.

He would buy me just about anything that I want. He would take me anywhere that I’d like to go. He brings me coffee, goes grocery and clothes shopping with me. We talk easily about finances, children, vacations and house projects. After D Day, he acknowledged that most of the problems in the M was his selfishness and indifference to what I needed (which led to my depression) and he has tried very hard to change that behavior (not totally successful, but trying).

So what’s wrong with me? There is no talk about the A. There is no talk about how our M is doing, how I’m doing, how I’m handling triggers. I no longer bring up any “unpleasant” subjects, so he doesn’t even have to think about his lies, cheating and betrayal.

I was seeing IC before D Day and then he became our MC. WH “bonded” with him (brought him company logo golf shirts and coffee mugs, talked about cars and boats) and so WH thinks MC was great. I stopped seeing him as my IC and then MC because I didn’t think that he was good for us – didn’t hold WH accountable for his actions and didn’t help me – mostly couldn't understand why I cried so much.

I have talked to WH so many times about how much I need for him to apologize, say he appreciates me staying with him and trying to R, tell me he realizes how much he hurt me. I’ve needed this for almost 3 years. My “love language” is Quality Conversation and he has read the book and says he understands this, but we keep having the same conversation and I keep getting nothing. I am not a material person, so I don't want things and I don't need to travel the world. I want him to initiate conversations about “us” and how we’re doing, where we’re going and what we need to work on.

He acknowledges that for the better part of 40 years he wasn’t there for me and disregarded my feelings and needs and now I feel that the same thing is happening.

I feel like there isn’t anything left to say and that we just need different things in a M, but I need some perspective or maybe a kick in the pants/two-by-four.

To me, this is an issue that may end our M. Advice, perspective, PLEASE.

I am almost 4 years our and have many of the same feelings. fWH just wants us to "move on", focus on us together and not talk about the bad old past. My only advice is to see if your FWH will try this advice MC once gave us. Set aside 1 hour a week to talk about the A, how each of us are doing etc. make sure it's at an agreeded upon time with no preoccupation with other things and no drinking. Didn't work for us but it may work for you.

Sadallthetime - thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Our MC suggested the weekly talk but WH would only "remember" about the agreed-upon talk if I initiated it and I felt like I was the only one who cared.

I sometimes feel guilty - he has done a lot of things right - but this is something that I really feel like I need and don't know what to do.

He says that his actions should be enough, so am I wrong to want him to talk, too?

It sounds like you aren't happy in your marriage, that you don't feel like the A issues were fully resolved, or that you were allowed to fully heal. It doesn't necessarily sound like the A was a dealbreaker for you, more that you need more from your marriage and more from your fWH than you are getting.

My advice would be to tell him. Find a neutral MC who specializes in infidelity (we have had great luck with Emotionally Focused Therapy) where you relearn skills and then go back to painful events in the marriage and work through them the way they should have been handled to begin with.

I would also say that you should find a new IC. You aren't happy, and only you can find happiness. You need to work through what it is you want and need. A good IC can help with that.

We went through several MC's and IC's before we found the right ones. Just because one wasn't right, doesn't mean there aren't good ones out there.

Hopeful, Everything you said is right on target. I am not happy in the M the way it is right now, but I can't even count the number of times that I have talked to him about this.

I have been working hard on my issues with a new IC and she had mentioned Emotionally Focused Therapy to me. I do think that additional MC is our next step.

Same here. WH is happy as a pig in sh*t. He got to play, & now I am going even more out of my way to please him than I did before his A.

OW got to play & has seemingly moved on with her life unscathed.

Out of all 3 of us, I am the only one who is in pain a lot of the time. I feel like I can't constantly bring it up, so I try not to & in fact weeks go by without my bringing it up, but I still think about it many many times per day. I want to be happier. I want to move on & be free of this .

tellmewhy, I have pm'd you....

He is not in a happy marriage. It is hard for me to imagine he doesn't see that and that it doesn't bother him. I wonder if he is as happy as you really think . . .

I would def. find a marriage counselor that is not of the "move on quickly" mode.

Also fwiw my personal standard is that I am not staying in my marriage unless it is IMPROVED. Not just corrected or the affair processed. But actually improved to the point where I have a satisfying partnership and true emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy with my H. An affair is one way of denying a spouse true intimacy but it is not the only way. It sounds to me like you don't feel that intimate partnership and you need to for forgiveness, healing, and happiness.

Oh my goodness, I could've written your post. I feel exactly the same way.

As long as I never talk about it, everything is great. But I have had some triggers recently, and I find myself crying everyday again. He just wants me to be nice, and happy. It really makes me mad when he tells people that his marriage has never been better. I must be a really good faker.

It is horrible when you only want to be happy too, but because of their behavior, you just can't quit thinking of it. My mind just won't let it go.

My husband also doesn't want to think about what his betrayal has done to me. He just wants to be done with it, but I think I will have triggers forever, and I think if he would just love me tons then I might heal.

cds, I've thought before about what you said about him maybe not being happy. I'm not sure he even knows what he feels. I've tried to get him to open up to me about other things like his childhood. All he says is that it was "happy", he and his brother and parents were all "happy". I know for a fact that his parents were both alcoholics and verbally abusive to each other and his brother was constantly in trouble in school.

I'm not sure that he is capable of the intimate emotional connection that I would like, but he doesn't even appear to be trying and that's why I'm just not sure the M will survive.

Would you feel comfortable giving it a year of intensive marriage counseling? And would he commit to IC?

It does not sound to me like he has any model of intimacy - - he is just giving you things and trying to create the façade of a happy life rather than the real deal. As you perceptively note, he doesn't know any other way.

And it may be he cannot learn any other way. It is hard for people to change -- never under-rate that. But seeing as you might not be the out the door next week would you and he be willing to try a last ditch year of intensive IC and MC?

It is OK if the answer is no. My point is only that it isn't about "fixing" your feelings -- that is not what I am hearing/reading. I think in this case it is about listening to your feelings. They are telling you something is still wrong.

I have been seeing an IC since right before D Day - almost 3 years, and I have made great progress on my issues/depression.

I would absolutely be willing to be in MC with the same intensity, but I'm just not sure about him. He became comfortable with our initial MC because they "bonded" over cars, guns and boat talk - which was fine if that's what he needed to feel comfortable opening up to someone. The problem came when MC didn't want to push him to actually open up and talk about actual issues with the M. WH says now that he got a lot out of the counseling, but we have fallen back into the patterns of the past that led to the A

so at this point it's either MC or no M because he has no reason right now to change his behavior.

I am working on getting myself to a better place, but I know that this isn't the M that I want. I settled for this same type of situation for almost 40 years and now my heart and my head are saying that that's long enough - it's time for me to put my needs first.