SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In addition to the infidelities, H had spent a lot of time comparing me unfavorably to his exes, one in particular. A couple of years ago, he had apparently been trying to call her but her line was disconnected or something. He wanted me to help find her, so I tried to help. God, I was even more codependent back then...

I was looking through my old FB messages today and saw one I had sent to someone with her name, but not her. I looked again - I've been triggering lately from the events of a year ago, as well as struggling with other personal struggles, so I'm not in a good place right now. Found her. Now I know what she looks like. And now I see why I could never compare to her, why I could never live up to her. And that gives me peace. I felt some of the struggle leave me mentally. Good. Now that I don't wonder anymore, maybe I can spend that energy I was wasting on my own life and health now.

It feels nice to let go of that piece of the puzzle. Now, back to getting rid of things and working our (Lil Silver and I) way out of here.

(((silverhopes))) I am not quite sure what you mean by

And now I see why I could never compare to her, why I could never live up to her.

But, you are incomparable, you are you, and the most awesome you there is.

^^^^THAT.

((((silver))))

Don't sell yourself short. You're amazing.

((((silverhopes))))

Well thank goodness you will never compare to a piece of TRASH. Who cares what it looks like???

I'm so sorry you are not in a good place. Please know that your WH's infidelities have NOTHING to do with you - not with you, and not even with THEM. HE is the insecure, broken one.

I'm willing to bet almost anything that he was unfavorably comparing his then GFs to previous exes, and now somehow you are the one who doesn't match up to them? If you believe him, then you believe he is ALWAYS 'trading down' - I call BULLSHIT. He's looking at the past with nostalgia and rose-colored glasses. Presumably they are his exes for a REASON.

Please be easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up over that trash. Sending you strength, mojo and positive thoughts for working your way out and UP.

((((silverhopes & Lil Silver))))

When I used to have similar low-self-esteem-y feelings post d-day I would focus on what it was about me (in my own mind) that would compare unfavorably with another and then seek to change that.

It really helped.

I never thought I had a self esteem problem before Dday, but I did. It was more a codependence thing -- I was raised to be codependent, it was the ONLY acceptable way to behave, and eventually that behavior strips away self esteem.

Anyway, to get back to the point, love yourself and value yourself and this feeling will be fixed. Not in some generic way either -- I mean actively. Like eating healthy, getting exercise, making sure your clothes fit right and flatter you, etc.

OMG. I never thought of this:

I'm willing to bet almost anything that he was unfavorably comparing his then GFs to previous exes

before - but I bet you are totally right! So many girls came after her but before me. He had to have been talking her up to them too! Oh man, now I feel kinda sorry for his other exes.

I'm not selling myself short. It's not in a bad way that I cannot compare - it's actually really liberating! What that means is, I don't have to play a game anymore that I could never win. With his silly comparisons, he was setting me up to lose if I tried to "live up" to them. What I mean is, it's like we're apples and oranges. I'm one type of person/look, and she's another, and from his pattern she's completely his "type", and I'm not. But that's a great thing. This orange has no desire to try to be an apple, I like myself the way I am (well, aside from a few personal journeys to keep getting healthier ), and I can't change certain parts of myself anyway.

Thank you ladies. Hugs to you all.

Silver..you sound almost relieved. I'm

happy to see you in a good space. Keep up the positive thinking. I understand what your saying though, I feel the same way, well some days I don't, sometimes I st still gets to me but my ws are not the same either anymore. Makes me wonder if we ever were. The comparison you gave

should be flipped though, she could never be you, too bad for her.

Makes me wonder if we ever were.

I know what you mean. Sometimes you wonder if the whole thing never really was. At least, not from one end.

At the beginning of our relationship and for the first few months of it, there was a woman my H had a major crush on (he used to compare me to her too - why didn't I run?). Several months later, he told me that she had thought I was cute, and he'd gotten together with me to try to make her jealous. This woman happened to be his "type" as well... Too bad he wasn't her type! So he hadn't even gotten with me because he was attracted, it was all to use me to make her jealous. That's kind of a crappy thing to do to someone.

The comparison you gave should be flipped though, she could never be you, too bad for her.

I love it! I'll remember it.

(((silverhopes)))

I know you know this, but one glimpse of a picture someone put up on their stinkin fb page is not an accurate representation of a person, both inside and out.

Who/what she is has ZERO bearing on who you are, and I know a handful of people whose opinion I trust more than the interwebs who say you're lovely and a delight to be around.

It's not that you don't compare to these women, it's that H is an ass for trying to compare anyone to anyone. And in your face about it? Ugh, I just want to give you a big hug.

I can hardly wait for the next g2g, Jrazz. You guys are the coolest, I mean it! You know what's random? I didn't even realize this until halfway through the day hanging out, but at the g2g, you guys helped me reclaim a place that was a former trigger, something that had happened as part of the events last year. I was having such a good time with you guys that I didn't even think of it. And now I never will again, I'll think about the wonderful people I met that day at the g2g instead.

It's not that you don't compare to these women, it's that H is an ass for trying to compare anyone to anyone. And in your face about it?

So true. Now I think it's kinda funny in a sad way that my H compared so much - should have been a red flag for me, also a serious indicator that he had a lot of work to do. I wish I could talk to him about all of this, but his tactic is the usual - defensiveness, shutting down, attacks, criticisms, etc. At the moment, it's the knowledge that we're a team that I miss. I feel alone, and I wish I could just turn to him and have a supportive teammate there, but that's not reality with him.

The message I wrote to the person with her name (not her) was in July 2010, a year before I found SI, while I would have been pregnant. Mr Silver thought her H had passed away. I wish I had found SI before then. Wouldn't have sat there making my pregnant self feel inferior to a MARRIED WOMAN, since when H was with her 11 or 12 years ago, he was her OM. Her H had rightfully had her choose between her family and Mr Silver, and she chose her family. God, that whole history is so messed up, and my heart hurts for her H. He's still alive and well, according to the pic I saw yesterday. So maybe her H had finally put his foot down and had them disconnect the number - ETA or maybe she was remorseful and disconnected the number herself, I would love it if that were the case. I'd had no idea before then that Mr Silver had been calling them every holiday season. Mr Silver had claimed that her husband had forgiven him, and made it sound like he talked to BOTH of them when he called. Now I'm wondering if this was lying on his part. Then again, Mr Silver did say he would go back to her once her husband passed away... led me to believe that his happiness lay with her. Typical affair idealization bullshit, it seems.

Geez. Can't even be mad about this because it's so sad. I think her H has more right to be mad than anyone. Anyway, Lil Silver and I have each other. He's my favorite person in the whole world.

ETA: I *love* your tagline, Jrazz!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:03 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

((((HUGS))))

Wish I could whip up some magical clerical potion that would make you immune to comparisons. But of course, you're already not comparable. You just need a potion to help you realize it. Just like Dorothy's ruby slippers. She had the power all along, she just had to believe it.

((((HUGS)))

OMG, my favorite cleric! (((Nature_Girl))) We should go cast some mischief somewhere, or else enchant the world with spells and flowers that ease mental turmoil and bring peace and serenity. Hmm. Maybe it's time to go gardening... If you have a garden, I am sending you joyous growing enchantments, my friend.

Thank you, you guys. I really needed this today. I'll feel better. Thank you and bless you all.

This orange has no desire to try to be an apple, I like myself the way I am

Silver - this makes me smile SO big.

But of course, you're already not comparable. You just need a potion to help you realize it. Just like Dorothy's ruby slippers. She had the power all along, she just had to believe it.

NG - This is fantastic. And dead on.

I'm sorry to keep whining. This week keeps getting more painful.

When Mr Silver went out this Thursday, he usually sees his male friend D, but D has been not showing up these last couple of weeks. So this time he ran into and then hung out with M, this girl he says is a lesbian girl. When he came home, I asked about his morning, and after a few questions he told me that he'd hung out with her and a few other things - like that he got her number. I asked if he'd given her his, and he said yes. She just called an hour ago, asking if he'd called her. I looked up her number - she has almost the same exact phone number as me, except that a couple of digits are off. H said in the beginning of our courtship that my phone number was a good sign because it contained part of his SSN in it... Guess now hers does too. From personal experiences, both H and I know that a person being gay doesn't mean nothing will happen, so him trying to tell me this doesn't necessarily make me feel secure. (Actually, that's something else that has happened this painful week - the one-year Antiversary of WTAF Day was on the 10th, on the 11th we were watching "Chasing Amy" and H mentioned something intimate he had done with his lesbian girlfriend - later her girlfriend had beaten both her and Mr Silver up - that he had refused to do with me when I had asked during our courtship. That stung, since there have been many things he refused to do with me that he's done with others - in cases of both exes and infidelities). Also, he tried to tell me I have nothing to worry about (funnily enough, I hadn't even expressed worry because I'm working on the 180) because she's "ugly" and described her. This hurts for a few reasons: for one, he has no right to call anyone ugly. I am sick of him and others judging people in terms of eligibility solely by their looks. And for two, is he saying that if she were sexually attractive to him, I would have to worry?

Anyway, I haven't brought up how much this situation bothers me - what's the point, as much as I love H, he isn't doing the work and never has. But on Friday, after everything else that's been happening, not only in terms of other girls but also with some very real relationship problems, I told him I think we should work on being "friends" for right now and take sex off the table. I told him it hurts too much emotionally with everything that's happened.

Hopefully this will help me manage my emotions. I was doing OK, even... until M's phone call this morning. But what should I care what he's up to? I mean, I know it hurts because I can't just shut off my emotions, it takes hard work and a little while to detach. But as of now (or is it as of 9 months ago?), I gave myself permission to let go of the outcome and accept that he will do what he wants with other girls - as he himself has said many times, he "can talk to whoever he wants!" Ugh, my stomach hurts.

This is just one more reason to focus on getting rid of stuff and fixing my issues so I can finally feel free to leave.

Thank you for being here, SI.

Just had a thought: probably this is rejection and nothing more. Rejection makes chemical reactions. That's all this is, just a chemical reaction. There is no need to get worked up over this. Calm, calmer...

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:00 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Sliver hopes,

I just wanted to let you know that I have read many of your posts, many times with a heavy heart for your situation. (somehow the pain of the younger SIers hurts me worse than many of us older women; I guess I think of you younger women as I would my daughter, and the thought of you ladies suffering, especially with babies and little kids just breaks my heart). Anyway, I'm not even going to comment on your H, or your current situation.

I just want to say this:

Silver hopes, you are awesome. From your writings here it is so clear how very very intelligent you are. How very very kind you are. What a good mommy you are. How funny you are. How emotionally tender and deep you are.

And this:

This orange has no desire to try to be an apple, I like myself the way I am

is brilliant! When I read that, I said to myself....um hum, I'll be stealing that one!

Girly girl, I'm an old fart, and I have no reason to lie...you ARE awesome! You are YOU, and like someone else said, no one else can be YOU! How awesome is that?! You are unique, and the world would not be the same without you.

And this:

I gave myself permission to let go of the outcome

those are incredibly important words. When I finally 'got' the meaning of that, my life became a lot easier. Embrace it.

Silver hopes, you are awesome. From your writings here it is so clear how very very intelligent you are. How very very kind you are. What a good mommy you are. How funny you are. How emotionally tender and deep you are

Yep!! You are

(((silverhopes)))

Just had a thought: probably this is rejection and nothing more. Rejection makes chemical reactions. That's all this is, just a chemical reaction. There is no need to get worked up over this. Calm, calmer...

Maybe. Don't know who said it but "sticks and stones may break bones but words can break your heart" is so true. Some of us can be so fucking careless with the precious people in our lives . Sorry you're experiencing that from someone in your life.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:14 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Triggers are like bricks that make up the walls of a prison. Every time you conquer a trigger, you remove a brick from your prison. You're doing a great job; just remember, you don't have to remove every brick; just enough to get away safely. Then the others will have no power over you.

You're doing great--give Little Silver a hug for us

I was looking through my old FB messages today... Now I know what she looks like. And now I see why I could never compare to her, why I could never live up to her.

Firstly:

Secondly:

[This message edited by aesir at 9:55 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

(((silver)))

*sigh*

Why are you still there??

And, didn't you just give him permission to treat you however he wants, with no consequences?? I believe you did.

I wish I knew how to teach you to draw your self esteem from within, rather than without (<<< I like that!). Once you're able to do that, you'll not give people like him the time of day.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:35 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Why are you remaining in a relationship with someone who treats you with such disrespect? When XWH#1 told me I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with, I said OK, turned around and walked away, filed for D, and never looked back. I have never regreted my decision. Sometimes you have to free yourself even if it hurts and you are scared as hell of the world without them. (((HUGS)))