SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just got home from the bar. Little drunk.

Wife is nearby. Normally I hide this site. Tonight I don't care.

Mc today. Therapist kicked her ass. It was beautiful. Told her the lies had to stop or she would lose me. Told her to own her issues and stop deflecting and excusing. She cried multiple times.

I have noticed women checking me out lately. First time I've noticed this in years. Tonight at bar I was with my group of soccer players. I actively tried to connect with one of the women on the team. Her husband was right there but was oblivious. My wife was at home. What the fuck am I doing? I think I'm trying to see if a revenge affair is possible. This is so fucking stupid of me. But it felt good. Why is good fucking stupid.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 8:19 PM, December 7th (Sunday)]

D-day + 38.

Sleep - normal

Weight - stabilized. Actually feeling hungry again

THE FUCKER CONTACTED HER!

I truly feel like things are getting better now. The mc woke her up. It feels like the last lies are out. There is little still nagging me about the affair. She also woke up about her conversations with her female friend. Her female friends marriage is a mess (her friend's husband is an ass. And she is in an ea I think) misery loves company. And misery creates misery. My wife seems to realize now how damaging it is for her to be so open with her friend.

My wife hates reading but she has "not just friends" and she is reading it often. She even asked me to put it on her phone so she could read more often.

Tonight I eating dinner, I looked at her and felt something. suddenly had the thought that I need to ask her if he has contacted her or she contacted him. I haven't asked this in over a week. Something felt off. She looked at me and said "I was waiting for the kids to finish dinner cause I didn't know how you would react. But yes 1 hour ago." She showed me his text. It was a blank text from his number to hers. She said maybe it was a mistake. I said no way. He just isn't sure if it is ok to text you. She told me her feeling when it came in was omg no. I don't want this. She said she almost deleted immediately and then realized I would want to see it. She then was excited that she would be to show me something before I asked. But then I asked before she had a chance.

I know this probably sounds fishy. But the kids were all around at that time. And I have been known to rage out when I trigger. I do believe her. I am shocked at my intuition though. I normally don't believe in premonition. But that is what it was. Scary...

I sent him a reply from my phone. "Do not contact her again". Short and direct without a threat.

I told her he will try again. But next time he will choose email or linked in or some other way that she could delete. I told her she would get bonus points if she showed me him contacting her from a place that could be deleted. But no bonus points from this one because she had to tell me. I would find it in phone records eventually. She said she wants and needs bonus points. She then hugged me and told me she loves and only wants me and is so sorry for hurting me. That this is the worst thing she ever did in her life.

If he contacts her again my next message will be "hope your ready for some phone calls from your family and friends" then I will contact every friend and family I can find of his and let them know of his affair.

just tossing this out there.... I get blank texts all the time from all sorts of numbers. All but one are in my contact list. But I know they are not texting me. The one not in my list, I have no idea where the # comes from. Just comes up blank text sometimes when I go to use my phone. Phone is an iphone 4s. Started with just the one # I don't know. Then, 2 weeks ago, it was also from friends that I know were not texting me, or even butt texting me.

I just haven't gotten around to googling why it's happening.

Hey Mike, glad to see things are improving; you seemed to have turned the proverbial corner and extracted true remorse from your WW.

Hope things continue to mend.

Thank you ok.

I will remain diligent in watching for signs for a relapse. I expect I will be for quite a long time. I am edging closer to saying that we are in r but as of today I still would not say that.

I don't wear my ring. I have no desire to put it back on yet.

Lovely, there is no chance it was an accidental text. He purposely texted her a blank a text.

I wrote his wife again last night on Facebook. I don't know if she receives them as she has never written back to me. But just in case I let her know he attempted to contact my ww again.

So the only way you have tried to let the OBS know is through Facebook? If you're not her friend, it goes into the "other" messages on FB. Most people never look at those.

You need to shut this shit down. Check out her FB a little more. Is there NO info on OBS? No job? No family? If I were you, I would figure out who her mother is and send her mother a message..or I would just say fuck it and send the wife a friend request.

I sent him a reply from my phone. "Do not contact her again". Short and direct without a threat.

And meaningless. Why did you send that? Your WW should have sent it. He doesn't give two shits about what you want. A NC text coming from you means nothing. It has to come from her..and..of course..she has to mean it, or it's worthless.

Why hasn't she blocked his number on her phone?

I have sent a Facebook friend request. Her Facebook shows no activity since last June. I have called her. I have texted her. I sent her a real actual mail to her house. The woman does not have a job. She has no family that I can determine from name or type of comments on Facebook. There are a few friends that commented on her posts a couple of times. Most of those have his last name. Her posts are either of her husband or her kids. She seems to have no hobbies. Your right she may never have seen the Facebook messages. But she must have seen her real mail and in that letter I told her I was trying to contact her through Facebook.

Nc means just that. I am highly opposed to her sending a reply regardless of the words. She sent a nc on d-day. So I replied from my phone. I expect my message will only change how he tries to contact her next time. I'm not the type of guy that goes about strutting my shit and cussing and threatening. I'm the type that tells you once what you have to do then the next thing you know your waking up in a hospital. I dream of knocking his ass out. But in reality that isn't possible. 2000 miles apart. So if he contacts again no threats I will just let every friend or family of his know what he did.

The number wasn't blocked because I didn't think of it. Also I wanted to know how she would react when he did contact her. If it is through the phone I would know. I check phone records. Through email it could be hidden from me. I check email but if it is read and deleted before I snoop then it is gone.

His number is blocked now. Question. If a number is blocked and the blocked number texts the phone does it show up on the phone records?

If a number is blocked and the blocked number texts the phone does it show up on the phone records?

If the block number texts the phone , then it just won't go through. Im not sure what he will get on his end..??

If you are concerned about email, consider putting a keylogger on the computer(unless it is a work issued computer).

Im sorry...I hadn't realized you had gone to all that trouble to contact the OBS. But it's highly possible he intercepted that letter. You have her address...maybe you should stop by one day when you know he is at work.

I live in the Midwest. They live in the south. The affair occurred during mutual business trips except for one instance where he coordinated a business trip to my city. It's possible the letter was intercepted. Idk.

It is a work computer. That is why I have hesitated in a key logger. I do have access and check her computer and email often. In the affair he did email her work email. Never her personal email. They used linked in some which gets forwarded to her work email but mostly it was text messages and phone calls to her cell phone.

Yes it is absolutely possible for her to contact him without me knowing. But I don't feel like that now. I am feeling safe that it is truly over.

I'm Alive and well.

She has admitted to a pevious ea. it is somebody I know and have been jealous of for years because I thought they were a bit too close.

Sounds like nothing sexual at this point. Just a close friend that she shared a lot with and maybe felt something for. But maybe that experience allowed her to have the real affair.

She told me about this after an mc session and after reading more in not just friends. She told me when I wasn't asking anything or had any recent suspicions. She told me because she wants to help me hold trust in her. And that to me means a lot

Sounds like nothing sexual at this point. Just a close friend that she shared a lot with and maybe felt something for

Michinaa

So is this "friend" still a friend that she wants to still be in contact with as "friends". Hope the answer to that one is a resounding NO.

Thanks for the update.

How are things otherwise? What are the current obstacles that you see for a successful reconciliation?

Nonsense.

I'm still defining what the ea was. She told me she didn't even realize it was an ea until she read the book and realized it was. She said she the emotional connection ended with him about a year ago. I'm not sure if this requires a nc with him or if it requires understanding and being strong about boundaries.

Hobbes, things are good otherwise. Communication has been much better. She is still learning that it is better to be honest and risk hurting me then to protect me and lie and hurt me more. We are discussing whether I use recovery software to get back her deleted text messages in her cell phone. She supports me doing that if it will help me trust her. I haven't decided if I want the actual words yet or not.

Friday is her company's Christmas party. She is planning a special sexual experience for me. : )

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 10:46 AM, December 16th (Tuesday)]

I'm not sure if this requires a nc with him or if it requires understanding and being strong about boundaries.

I'd error on the side of caution on that one buddy. You stated you had been jealous of this guy and their relationship for years and now after cheating she gets to keep that relationship or you are to trust her to keep the boundaries???

OK, so she is going to buy you off with sex again just like before she went to Boston and googled OM name.

You are too smart not to be cuatious not matter what sex surprise she comes up with.

D-day + 46 days.

I have now known about the A for the same number of days that the A existed. I feel this is a milestone day.

I had an internal requirement that i would not commit to r until the days I know are the same as the days it lasted. Now I will let myself consider it but I have not commited to it.

I return from my business trip today. I'm in an airport as I type. I miss her.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 10:11 AM, December 17th (Wednesday)]

We are discussing whether I use recovery software to get back her deleted text messages in her cell phone. She supports me doing that if it will help me trust her. I haven't decided if I want the actual words yet or not.

This is a depleting thing. I would buy and run the backup software, put the results on a thumb drive (or two) and put the thumb drive in a place you won't be tempted to pull it down in a bad moment.

Later on you can decide (alone or together) if you should review the material, but it preserves the real data.

Thanks for the reply.

Is she in counselling herself?

You seem to be rebuilding your marriage with a much better foundation than before. Just remember to keep the passion and emotion alive; don't let it dissipate into what you had in the past.

Sadly most marriages are relatively passionless. The kids take over your lives and you never have much time for each other. Just learn from this infidelity that marital sex is the barometer of your whole relationship. If your wife withdraws from emotional participation then you need to find out why, quickly. There are many predatory men out there looking for unhappy, unfulfilled wives. You either work hard at keeping your marriage vibrant and alive or risk losing it.

Last night we were talking. I was asking some things about her sex life before she met me. It's weird I never have asked before. I figured her past was her past and it didn't matter. But it does. Her past is her and if she matters then her past matters. I told her this and she agreed. I know a lot more about her previous husband, boyfriends, and not quite boyfriends then I knew before. She has always gravited to those with issues that she can help. I don't fit that mold. I never needed help. I was there because I wanted to be but was ok without her. Om was someone she could help. He had issues. She had issues with needing to be needed.

The other thing I asked was how tall he was. He is 6'2 or so. I'm 5'11 (and a half. I always wanted 6'0 but never made it ) she asked why. I told her I wanted to know where to punch the punching bag. She laughed, but also said seriously that I should want to hit her.

She is right.

No I would never hit her. But she is just as responsible as he was. I want it to all be him. That he pursued. And she submitted but never wanted him. But that's just not true. She is just as responsible as him. It was mutual as much as that sucks.

Things have been good between us. I trust it is over with om now. I still question parts of the story. But ... I know of her previous ea. and she freely shared it. And there are only small pieces I question.

I thought for Christmas I would give her a commitment to R. I was planning to light a fire in the fireplace. Pull out the written story and go through it one more time. And then burn it. Once burning I would have told her that I want us and I would put my ring back on.

Christmas was tough for me. I'm not ready. I didn't give her the commitment. The fire didn't burn. I still do not wear a ring.

We did have amazing sex Christmas night. My sex life has never been this good at any point in my life. Will it disappear again the moment I commit to our marriage? Is it just to get me to believe in her again? I guess the only way to truly know is to commit and find out what happens.

Mike

You are smart being cautious on the commitment. You are not that far out from where you could hardly breathe.

And to me it is troubling that you are still not sure she has told the truth.

It is great how well you seem to be doing.

Just remember, your wife travels to all the same places where they met, and doing it again would be very easy with this or another OM.

I would still proceed with caution and be happy with each good day.

And i would not in this short time give her total trust.

of course that is your call.