SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's 1am..

I haven't been up this late in a long time. I'm 38 now. old as the hills.

Last time I did this I 28.

Wow ...still amazed at being here again...

Well we talked tonight and cried. and i called her a cheating fucking slut, and we cried.... I told her I love her... and we cried..... and shit guys and gals you know the story....

So she says she wants me not him. Says it was twice with him. The second night after meeting and the next business trip. Says she texted him it was over, I had found out. Says she deleted him from her phone and the text she sent. She tried to find it in deleted to show me, but couldn't find it. (yep I know what your thinking, I am too). (I think this is the point I called her a cheating fucking slut).

Says I am not open and don't communicate. Says she isn't attracted to me, but wishes she was. Says its not my fault and not being physically attracted isn't a physical thing (huh?). says she wants to work on it. ... anything it takes.

She is going to Maryland tomorrow but there is no way she will see him. She doesn't think he will come now. and if he did she would immediately send him away. Says she will cancel the trip but that would require quitting her job. She is the key note trainer in a big training class.

It is all words. There hasn't been time for action. She will go. Will she see him, I don't know. But the entire time she is gone I will think about him being in her. (sorry for being crude, my mental state is a little off right now)

By the way I said those exact words to her.

Damn I feel like clicking letters. Hey if you got other places to be stop reading.... no biggy. I think this is called opening up and getting things out. I have trouble with that in front of people.

When I joined ojar 10 years ago after I caught my first wife cheating, I think my initial words were "I lost my wife. I lost my life. I am dying inside. I am SO ALONE....And nobody in the world cares!"

I was depressed then, not suicidal, but close to that stage I think. I guess I felt I was worthless after the years of being emotionally abused.

I am not like that now. This is different. OH MY GOD AM I MAD. Holy shit does it hurt. But I am not depressed. I am a good man. I will be happy again. Right now I am not sure it will be with her or not but I will be....

back to now. I guess the positive for me in this is this was a new affair. How do you guys write affair do you just use A? Its been going on for about a month. And she says twice physically. Reality is its less than a handful of times but probably not twice. They talked nearly daily by phone during that time. She says she is glad I caught her and ended it so soon. She doesn't know what she was doing or why. So I guess it would be easier for her to break off.

The web says that 30 - 60% of all people cheat at some point, so I certainly am not rare. Some could say lucky as she sounds like she wants to make it right.

Here is the trouble thing. She said she wished I had cheated on her. That I deserved better than her, and I deserved a good sex life. This is the second marriage I have heard those words. I didn't like them then or now.

Someone asked why she said she cheated. Well she said she isn't physically attracted to me.... I am closed off and don't share my feelings.... She wasn't happy and missing something....She felt I deserved better than her. She said that she froze every time I touched her. Lets explore that one.

We met after my first wife. She was divorced for quite a few years. I was still finishing the paper work. I had got into the best shape of my life. Even had a budding six pack. Sex was great. She had a surgery earlier in life and couldn't get pregnant. One new years eve we didn't use protection. 2 weeks later I found out she was pregnant. 3 months later I proposed. When the baby was 9 months old we got married. Even have the wedding picture of us and the baby. The sex died once the baby was born or maybe during pregnancy.

Her first marriage was the result of high school pregnancy. She felt forced to marry him and hated him. She has some of those same feelings for me. She doesn't hate me but physically she shuts down anytime I touch her. She says because of what happened in the first marriage.

So the not being physically attracted is not that I look bad. (i'm 15 pounds overweight now and 25 pounds from those budding abs). It is that she must feel that she was forced into this. I wonder if it is my small penis. that looks weird sitting there. I am just under 6, isn't that normal. Well for some of us guys it goes there anyways. (my mental state right now, remember)

Well like I said we cried... I said rude remarks... she apologized.... I cried... She said all the right words that can be said right now... I didn't believe a single syllable.

She asked me to go to bed with her. I did. I stayed distant but said out loud that I couldn't relax. She asked if she could hold me. I said yes. She did. I told her that I wouldn't touch her until she was tested for STDs. She said she didn't need to be. I said well if his dick was in you then maybe you should need to shouldn't you. She said she would get tested. She held me for another 10 minutes until I couldn't take it any longer and went downstairs.

An hour of no sleep later, I decide to write this novel. ugh....

sleepless and alone (just like a movie)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:24 AM, November 2nd (Sunday)]

Says she deleted him from her phone and the text she sent. She tried to find it in deleted to show me, but couldn't find it.[/quote

No problem. Just have her send another one in front of you. Or send an email. Or a handwritten letter.

Says she will cancel the trip but that would require quitting her job.

How could this possibly be true? Would they fire her if she got the flu? If she were hit by a bus and in the hospital? If her parents died? Of course she can cancel if she wants to.

She doesn't think he will come now. and if he did she would immediately send him away.

How this stuff works is, she thinks she needs to see him "one more time" for "closure"; what that means is, they will meet. She will tell him it has to end, then have sex with him, then stay in touch asking each other "How are you doing?" and then agree to meet one more time for "closure."

Understand that your weight, your penis size, your communication style are NOT the reason she cheated. She could have talked to you, she could have filed for divorce. If your sex life was in the tank, either one of you could have brought it up and tried to work on it, but it's not a reason to cheat.

You absolutely cannot control her, only yourself, but you can let her know what you are willing to accept and not accept. How do you feel about telling her that if she doesn't choose to meet your requirements, you don't choose to stay married to her? That if she won't send another "no contact," and cancel this trip, that you will file for divorce? Until then, let her sleep on the couch. Let her know you aren't putting up with her lies and deceit.

How this stuff works is, she thinks she needs to see him "one more time" for "closure"; what that means is, they will meet. She will tell him it has to end, then have sex with him, then stay in touch asking each other "How are you doing?" and then agree to meet one more time for "closure."

I wish I could say your wrong this time. But I can't.

She pushed her flight back to tomorrow morning instead of this morning.

I took her phone this morning and searched everything I could think of. Didn't find anything. We are talking. I told her if she wants us then she has to fight for both of us because I don't know if I want to fight for us at all. She knows she is close to losing me.

... I didn't search linked in while she was there. I will wait until she comes back. That might be where she thinks I don't know to look.

She is the key note trainer in a big training class.

^^^My WH also did extensive training and was scheduled to do FIVE weeks of training post D-Day. He was the main trainer, as a matter of fact, he developed the entire curriculum himself.

The morning he was going to leave for the first training session, I informed him it was either our marriage or his job.

He scrambled and found someone to fill in for him for ALL five weeks. Yep, was willing to do whatever it took. Mind you, the training class was nowhere near where OW was. It didn't matter, I needed him home, and he showed me our lives were more important. A sign of a remorseful spouse and a consequence of his actions.

If your wife is allowed to move through life as if nothing happened without any boundaries or consequences for her actions, your marriage IMO is doomed. N0 consequences=NO changed behavior.

[This message edited by annb at 9:06 AM, November 2nd (Sunday)]

Thank you. I need the realism to cut through the bull.

(((Mikeinaa)))--those are hugs.

I suspect that when your wife says the lack of physical attraction is not physical she means that it is not about your body, sexual technique, etc. More that there is an emotional block for some reason. My H can put on or take off 20 pounds and it doesn't change my attraction--it's more about our connection, exhaustion, other distractions, etc.

There have been pages long threads here about penis size; take my advice and don't waste your time going there.

I wish your wife volunteered to cancel her trip rather then leave you alone in your pain; people have done far more when they are remorseful. In the meantime you can watch LinkedIn; I suspect there will be contact.

I am so sorry for your pain.

I am so sorry for your pain. I remember the shock and numbness and anger and confusion....ugh!

The sex died once the baby was born or maybe during pregnancy.

Her first marriage was the result of high school pregnancy. She felt forced to marry him and hated him. She has some of those same feelings for me. She doesn't hate me but physically she shuts down anytime I touch her. She says because of what happened in the first marriage.

She is one broken toy right now. It isn't you. It has nothing to do with the shape that you are in or your penis size. Her not being attracted to you is on her...it has nothing to do with you. When someone is able to open their heart up and love someone else, an extra 15 or 50 pounds really doesn't make a difference.

She has issues to work out from her first marriage, and most probably, from way before that. You didn't force her into marriage. She also has to realize no one can FORCE her into anything at this point...she is a grown up and capable of making her own choices. She could have made other choices once she got pregnant. That is on her. She cannot make you pay because she felt forced into her first marriage and is harboring resentment. She should have worked thru that before dating again.

She is still lying and hiding, and she is trying to manipulate so you will forgive her and she can keep the safety and comfort of her relationship with you and still have her "fix" if she needs it.

She has to do some deep soul searching, which is going to mean counseling and anything else that will help her figure out why she feels it is okay to do this and put you and herself in danger (of STD's, and possibly a crazy OM).

Says I am not open and don't communicate.

That may be, but in that case, you both get counseling and start working on better communication. You don't fix bad communication by cheating. Most of us can use some help in the communication area. That isn't an excuse to cheat.

She said she wished I had cheated on her. That I deserved better than her, and I deserved a good sex life. This is the second marriage I have heard those words. I didn't like them then or now.

yeah, blah blah blah. I absolutely HATE when they spout out that bs.....my 2nd WS (yeah, I had 2 of them also, but the 2nd is working out much better than the 1st, because they are different people with different mind-sets) said that stuff too, he didn't feel he deserved me, so he started an EA with 2 girls that were much "less than" and also had big gaping holes in their souls that couldn't be filled. If she really feels she is not deserving of a good relationship and happiness, then she will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging your relationship. You have to figure out if she is willing to work on that issue or not. If she cannot do the work to where she learns to love and respect herself, she will never be trustworthy.

If she really gets it, she will start making the changes herself. She will heartily agree to anything you need in order to feel safe again (and if that means her quitting her job, well,.....consequences.....she screwed up big....big screw-ups mean big consequences). She will get counseling to work on her issues. She will work on communication with you. She will quit lying. She will be honest. She will make her phone and all her correspondence easily available for you.

((((hugs)))) So sorry you are in this position again....

Actually she did offer to quit her job and find one without travel. I said no. I don't want to also be dealing with a financial crises. We both make 6 figures and we have the bills coming in to spend it all.

So isn't "not going on this trip" in-between quitting the job and going on the trip? (iow, a workable compromise?)

I'm sorry we keep suggesting that, and it might seem to be a bit pushy...but these guys telling you about continued contact are experienced and more often right. - and we don't want to see you suffer again.

I would advise you to save all the evidence in a secure location, with a friend, family, etc.

What else do you know about the OP? Is he M'd?

Mikeinaa

You should realize by now your wife is full of 💩.

All her reasons for cheating are excuses.

She is selfish. And a liar.

So treat her like one.

Make it clear to her what she needs to do in order for you to reconcile.

Clear boundaries.

Burn all her lingerie.

Make her get tested for std's. Both of you go.

Then split your savings account in half.

Put a var in her car. And expose the OM to his wife.

Do not tell her anything you are doing.

Just do it.

In a few months decide if you still love her let alone want her.

because your wife needs a good shrink.

Not a strange penis. Not a bigger penis.

A shrink.

And don't you Doubt yourself or ever think you drove her to cheat.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 12:03 PM, November 2nd (Sunday)]

You should realize by now your wife is full of 💩

.

Yes

Make it clear to her what she needs to do in order for you to reconcile.

I don't even know if I want to.

Burn all her lingerie

It's all in the trash. Less smoke with kids around.

Make her get tested for std's. Both of you go.

I will not touch her until she has been. And even then don't know if I want to.

Happyman, someday I will be happy like you. But not today.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 12:36 PM, November 2nd (Sunday)]

Mikeinaa, I'm going to state some truths for you to ponder:

1) at 38, you are NOT old. There's plenty of single ladies out there who would consider you a catch and would stand in line just to get to know you. The three obvious reasons to catch you are:

*You're a proven father and family man.

*You make a reasonable income

*You didn't cheat.

Get the fear of "not finding another" out of your head and not making yourself realize that YOU are the prize.

2) The reason she isn't "attracted" to you is because she replaced you with this OM. She "thinks" she wasn't attracted to you this whole time, but this is just the rationalization that occurs when they feel cognitive dissonance over their actions. Here's another kicker. She really isn't attracted to this OM. She is attracted to the affair.

3) Which leads me to the next item - Size. If size really was the reason to steal women away then cucumbers would be sold out everywhere, every fucking day. Why go through the hassle of starting a relationship and investing so much time when a woman can just go grocery shopping? The real sex organ is the brain, by the way.

So, get these mental road blocks out of your head and listen to these folks. Their advice us gold.

Tell her that you don't know if you want to reconcile with her, but in order for you to even consider it, she needs to show you BY HER ACTIONS starting right this minute that she is willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES.

That would mean no trip for starters.

Well she is on a plane.

How do you find a good marriage counselor? Do they even work?

MC only works if BOTH parties go, wishing to save their marriage, and utterly dedicated to telling nothing but the truth to each other and the MC.

Hi Mikeinaa,

Well, there are good MCs & bad MCs, then they have to "click" with you & your spouse.

But it would be a waste of money & time right now for you to try to find one, because she is still in the affair.

Right now, she is cake eating. She has POSOM at the conference, & she has you waiting at home, manning the fort.

I would bet my house that she will be seeing POSOM, AND having sex with him, on this trip.

Is there any possible way that you could leave the kids with a relative & fly to where she is, to see what's going on? That's what I would do.

She seems to be telling the truth. He isn't in dc with her.

Im still freaking out.

I have lost 7 lbs in the past 2 days and maybe got 5 hours sleep the last 2 nights.

I know I have to take better care of myself. Food right now makes me gag. Sleep is impossible.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 5:31 AM, November 3rd (Monday)]

Dday + 3 begins

It feels like I have been doing this for weeks now and it's only been a couple of days.

Time is moving so slow. Minutes are hours. Hours are days. Days are weeks.

She returns tomorrow night. It seems forever away.

Sleep was a little better last night. Probably around 3 hours. Still not eating. I've lost 10 lbs.

While the weight loss us great the way you are doing it is bad.

Get some shakes. Try to focus on work or the kids.

And go see a Dr. For antidepressants if you think that will help.

Did she remove him from linked in?