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I know everyone is different, but how long did it take you to start feeling ok with it again and how long did you wait after DDAY? Everything gives me anxiety, but I do love my H and miss that closeness. Just wish it wasn't tainted thoughts of other women. How do you cope? This has to be the hardest.

We did the hysterical bonding thing - so 4 days after DDay I sat telling my two friends I did not know how I could possibly have sex with him ever again, then I went home and had sex. We had a lot of sex for about three months.

Now, at 4 months, we are still having sex maybe twice a week, but it is not as 'desperate' any more if that makes sense. I am also finding myself getting more cautious and less intimate if that makes sense. Now that the hysterical bonding is over, I find myself questioning what I am doing, I feel like I don't want to do certain things because of the mind movies, and just generally I do resent him a bit and want to 'protect' myself I suppose.

We did the HB thing too-for quite a while.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that it was a bit carnal for me-kind of like reclaiming what is mine. That being said, it didn't stop the mind movies at all and at 16 months out, I still struggle with the anxiety and the mind movies, especially during sex.

It gets better. Believe me. I am a firm believer that the HB helped our R tremendously. Today, we have a closer, more intimate relationship than ever before. One that include sex more than ever before.

My H was fully repentent pretty much right after DD, no TT or gaslighting. It took maybe 4 weeks.

no hysterical bonding here. was too furious and disgusted with him. Needed to see proof of real remorse and changes before intimacy was even a consideration - and we had had a very active sex life before and during his A. (that was another source of my anger/revulsion... by his own admission, he was trying to feel better about himself/what he had done through sex with me. ) FwH was remorseful and working his ass off all of those wait-and-see months too. No fog, but still, I was not going to jump back in bed with him. I lost all respect/attraction for him with his confession.

Was about 4-6 months in before we were intimate again and it was a long slow progression. We have sex differently now - my FwH is tuned in and completely aware when I am triggering or "drifting" to thoughts of the A or OW. I respect who he is becoming, so my attraction to him is returning...

It takes a long time to feel safe enough to be truly vulnerable in the way REAL intimacy requires. IMO. And even then, pain of the truth creeps in.

R is a marathon, not a sprint.

[This message edited by dragonflies at 5:27 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Same day? Next day? I don't remember. I had no idea, though, that he was still screwing the OW. We did the HB for quite some time, but once it got closer to the anniversary of Dday, I had a really hard time. Now, it's just whenever. Thirteen months out, and I'm still consumed with thoughts of her. Every.Single.Time. And honestly, I'm about over it.

@dragonflies, that is kind of the same for me. We did a bit of hysterical bonding but it was not sex, for some reason I could handle that. But the actual act is too painful. He is also doing a lot to repair what he has done and the respect I lost for him is slowly coming back. It's hard to be attracted to someone you have no respect for so as that slowly comes back maybe the fear of sex will subside a little?

Every.Single.Time. And honestly, I'm about over it

.

@dayapril

I'm so afraid of this. I can't wrap my head around not thinking about it every time. It is so devalued now. 😔

Devastated - yea, it's pretty bad. There's only been ONE time that she hasn't been with us. It's really sad that I know this, that I remember - but it was a huge thing. My husband doesn't believe me when I say this though. I think it's because since I still enjoy the sex, he cannot see how she's on my mind. But she is.

I drink a lot. :(

Mine was the same as Debra Vation, only it was two days later. The hysterical bonding was the only time I wasn't sad or in pain so I wanted to do it constantly. It took my mind off the pain in my chest. I'm 4 months out now and it's only now I'm questioning it and feel uncomfortable with it. I never gave a thought about them being together before when it was happening (I do every other waking moment) it was my only safe place but it creeps in now. I hate it.

We went deep into HB for many months post DDay. Like devastedone noted, looking back, it was a way of reclaiming what was mine. Getting back on that horse right away may have made things easier on me.

Once I started getting some info on the sex with the OW, I had some high-anxiety times during sex. But it quickly subsided, and sex is not an issue for us. Much, MUCH better than it was before DDay. Sometimes I just shake my head at that realization, but it's true.

It's not to say that I don't sometimes get stuck on a thought during sex and have to stop. It happens. But more often than not, we have sex and I do not think of OW. So I do believe it will get easier, but I think we have to be willing to put ourselves in that situation for the re-learning to occur. Avoidance of sex with our WS might make it harder to get back on that horse. Just my opinion based on my personal experience.

We didn't do HB, when she came home from her mums after telling me by text and being very nasty to me when I rang her - this happened every time I phoned her when she was gone. I think I was numb by the time she came back and it pains me to say that at that time I had gone into 'winning her back mode' I was protecting her from herself and since she showed no care for me, I didn't feel any for me either. It's as if I felt I didn't matter and had no right to feel bad for myself. She had told me she had feelings for OW and gave me the impression that she was undecided about who she wanted.

I took her out that night on a date (I know - makes me cringe) I wanted to show her what fun we could have. That night when we got into bed I held her very gently and told her I forgave her - I clearly had no idea what i was talking about and wasn't in touch with my grief at all. I was numb with shock and desperately trying to convince myself that nothing had changed. We were intimate and I was just grateful that I could be.

My hurt and anger began to build over the next few days - especially as more lies were uncovered and the sheer depth of the betrayal was revealed. It wasn't long after that she left me. Told me it was over - she was gone for five months.

When she came home intimacy began to suffer as time went on. Now it can only happen on my terms. I have to initiate and it's hard. Sometimes it will take me half an hour before I can make my hand move towards her.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel I've lost a lot from what I used to be. I'm not the easy going carefree person i was. It's like a military operation. We used to have fun in bed - laugh and joke - now it's so serious. She is always so concerned whether I'm ok and I am no longer spontaneous and light hearted.

The passion is there, the need and the desire but I have to force myself to even let her know. I hate that. The innocence of what we had.

I had a lot of mind movies in the beginning. They are less now.

[This message edited by Sadielost at 2:27 AM, February 5th (Friday)]

3 years out from the last DD and I still don't feel OK with it. Our sex life was around 10 times a year for many years before and during her last affair, since DD it has increased to a more "normal" level I guess. I think in the last 3 years I can remember only once without intrusive thoughts and mind movies, once in 3 years, and it does suck. The worst thing for me is that she shows no desire for me. She is willing, and when we get going she enjoys it for sure but I know she could also take it or leave it. I think she believes that men don't want or need to feel desired or wanted, mere willingness should be enough. She has said that since we have been married for so long I can't expect the kind of passion and desire she had for him. Honestly I think I can expect it and should expect it. It's all very sad and very depressing. And like all the rest it really just sucks!

We were in separate bedrooms for almost 6 months after Dday. But we did go through HB. I was very measured in how I could be vulnerable with him and when. I wanted sex all the time, and I wanted him to see just what he had to lose if he ever f'ed up again. It was amazing sex for the most part, even though sometimes I started crying and had to stop. Sometimes shame made him experience ED (which had NEVER happened before).

Sometimes she was in my head and I refused to let her have power over us so I pictured her cowering in the corner of our bedroom, crying because she realized he loved me and "they" were nothing but smoke. And in my head, I raised my middle finger to her.

Now things have settled down mostly. I rarely think of her. Sex is awesome, but not daily.

Life is good these days.

Just makes me feel better knowing there's a LABEL for it!! Hysterical Bonding. Yup. That about sums it up!

I've been there, in several of the previous rides on this roller coaster I definitely fell victim to that. This time feels different, though we've not been physically intimate since the day I gave him my line in the sand last week. For the first time I'm hearing remorse, I'm hearing apology and regret and simply LOVE from him. Not lip service as has been the case previously.

I'm trying to be more "180" aware, and not launch into HB. But at the same time, I'm actually kinda loving him a lot right now, so I think this weekend his odds are looking good! But from a genuine place of wanting to reconnect, not from a reclaim what's mine/make you see what you're risking kind of vibe.

There was never a gap in our sex life. We went from our normal to HB. I'm disgusted that in hindsight I think I pretty much rewarded him for honesty. Every time he talked to me about the affair I had sex with him. I needed the closeness so it wasn't consciously rewarding him but I can see how he might've taken it that way. I will say that HB was pivotal for us because those were the only moments I felt connected to him.

At around four months the shock wore off and reality set in, the triggers started, and sex became sporadic based on my emotion of the moment. I either removed myself emotionally from the act(which created anger at myself for doing that) or ended up crying. After a couple more months it just didn't seem worth the emotional agony so I've resisted. I agree with psychmom though that I need to continue to try. Easier said that done but she's right.

So I do believe it will get easier, but I think we have to be willing to put ourselves in that situation for the re-learning to occur. Avoidance of sex with our WS might make it harder to get back on that horse.

I try and look at as a previous relationship that he had before me and that really helps me not think about her. Also I know that it was a fuck and not making love and that helps too!

I also was a victim of HB, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Before dday, we had gotten into a rut where maybe we had sex 2-3 times a month, always on a Saturday morning, as soon as I was awake. I had some physical issues so our sex life had crawled to almost a halt. I blamed myself a lot and other than the early morning sex, could only seem to get intimate when I had too much to drink.

At almost 11 months out, we have slowed a bit, maybe down to 5 times a week. The mind movies do creep in sometimes, but only 3-4 times where I have had to completely stop. I do have to remind myself that their sex wasn't like it is with us now, even our sex then was...just sex, he was addicted to porn and there was definitely a disconnect happening, no feeling, trying to make it like porn.

I do struggle regularly with the fact that he went down on her once and that she swallowed him, but I have to try to get my head into where he was (porn fantasy) and realize that for him, it wasn't the most intimate act ever, it was just what they did in porn. I have only ever let three guys do that to me, I was married to two and have children with two (WH being the lucky one who is both) so it's a big deal to me. Oral wasn't like that for him though, he even had a "friend" who would only give him BJs in college as she had a BF and didn't want to cheat on him. Now that he recognizes what it means and has meant to me, it's much different.

It does get better, it is actually one of the only places that I can effectively push the triggers and mind movies out of my head. Our sex life had been broken for many many years, so this is great, although like psychcmom, I shake my head sometimes at that realization...

I think this is also a little easier for me because he various AP's were ALL virtual. Never met any of them in person. So I don't have as much to contend with from the "did you do this with her?" or "what was it like with her?" arena.

@findingjoy

I like how you work. I do think of how much the obsessed OW wishes she was me and it does make feel a better knowing that and that all of his flings were only about sex not love.