SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@trophywife

I do struggle regularly with the fact that he went down on her once and that she swallowed him, but I have to try to get my head into where he was (porn fantasy) and realize that for him, it wasn't the most intimate act ever, it was just what they did in porn.

Same! In fact right when he told me he was having an affair one of the first things I asked was if she swallowed. It's torturous! I can't even imagine ever giving him a BJ again and he didn't tell me he went down on her but one of the pictures she sent was of a mug that said "fuckface" on it. I only assume that was a thing and another picture was of the whip cream and vodka they used, I mean what else do you do with that? AGHHHH!!! I'm hating right now!!

Well- I've been struggling with the whole sex thing too. The first time we did it, was 5 days (yes days) after D-day. And it was THE BEST we'd ever had in a very, very long time (and we've been married 25 years). We are 4 months out, and it's not always mind-blowing- but it's like 2,3 sometimes 4x/week. And it's way more than we'd had it in a very long time

The only time I had negative thoughts was about a month into recovery. He'd visit her after he'd drop our oldest off from breaks (her apartment was right on the way- very, very convienent )We had to stop b/c I just started crying right then.

I am 6 months post DD.

I waited probably 2-3 weeks out then went into the whole hysterical bonding thing. We had massive sex for months. Can't believe I'm telling this but- on hood of Cars, in the car, and other adventurous places. the intensity is there on both sides. This part has calmed down some but we still are have sex almost daily. I told my counselor this and my concerns about it. In her cute little Indian voice she said "if you are having fun, relax and enjoy it if it feels good". Best advice ever! I'm not afraid to get what I need or want during sex. I do have times where a trigger will slam into my head and I will have to stop because I'm crying or trying to punch him in the face.

Had sex two days after dday for the first time. We are still HB'ing at 5 months out. Sex is pretty much daily. I've been fortunate to not once have any mind movies during the act. But trust me, I makeup for it throughout the day. Grrrr. I'm so happy that I'm one of the ones who is HB'ing. It has completely helped us through the most horrible days. The ability to connect and love on any level if a feat in itself. I hated his guts in the the first two month. Except for the hour between the sheets. There and only there was I able to show any vulnerability with him. I won't mind when the HB starts to fade and the frequency becomes more normal but I am afraid of my mindset changing during sex. I really feel for those of you that either can't, won't or do and think of the OP. Ugh. Awful.

I'm going to be honest: it's nearly two years since dday and it's still not OK, or even close. It's the one area in which we have made no progress, and it may very well be what finally sinks the ship of this floundering M.

We went through a very enjoyable period of HB, but once it passed I found I was unable to resume intimacy without experiencing immense emotional pain nearly every single time.

Two days after dday, WH told me flat out that affair sex was "the best he ever had or ever will, bar none." He maintained the truth of that statement for 10 months, until it became obvious that it was a sticking point for me, and then changed his tune. Now he says I am the best ever because of the emotional component to our intimacy. But I don't really believe him.

Meanwhile, OW attacked me in the months after discovery with words and photos that made clear the nature and intensity of their sexual activities. Those graphic images continue to traumatize me now, despite IC and MC and the passage of time.

WH and I have worked through alot, and much is better between us. But sex continues to be a disaster.

We went through HB too. And it's calmed down now, but sex is still something we are able to enjoy and thankfully OW does t come into my head too often. I think this is because WF works his ass off to make sure I have a great time, so I am too busy enjoying myself to think about her

It also helps to know that the PA had nothing to do with her, she was the other half of the shit show, but he didn't do it because of HER, or for her. So I know that what they did was nothing compared to what we do. It was just a vagina. Haha, I actually made myself laugh. Maybe from now on I'll just refer to her as that.

@tooclose

Yup, OW was just a vagina. I'll have to always try and keep that in mind because it's true. Not for her but for him, it was purely sex and she wanted more and she'll never have that and I do so yay....I feel better!😊

Devastated, I'm glad I could help :). It was the same with WF and OW; to him she was just sex, she wanted more. And when push came to shove, she meant nothing to him.

We all have the same goods, it's what it's attached to that is important. And I am one hell of a woman

I am struggling with this issue of having sex with my WH post-Dday. It's been 16 months since DDay #1, the discovering of the texts between WH and the OW, and 1 year since DDay #5, when I forced WH to finally admit that the A was also a PA. There was no HB for us; the thought of him touching me was repulsive. All of these months later we still haven't had sex. What my WH did was so emotionally traumatic that I'm surprised that I didn't have a complete nervous breakdown.

Intellectually, I understand that his A had nothing to do with me. I know that it was "just sex" and that it wasn't any good for him at all. He experienced ED and he felt guilty while it was going on. However, just the fact that he thought that, on some level, it was okay to break our vows and that he was capable of having sex with someone else (his tongue worked just fine, unfortunately, although he said he did it because he felt obligated and he did it as quickly as possible so he could get dressed and get rid of her) cheapens what we had. He says that it was nothing compared to what we had and how he feels about me. I guess I don't understand because I'm not broken like he and the OW are.

He's remorseful, goes to IC, we go to MC about once a month, he goes to AA, he's made a lot of changes in general. Yet I'm afraid that if we have sex, because it means more to me than just a good time, that I'll get hurt again. I don't want to deal with mind movies. I almost wish that I kicked him out rather than R. Our lack of a sex life due to his cheating may be a deal breaker after all.

Our sex life was horrible before this all happened. I won't even tell you how bad it was. Then we had 9 months of HB. (I'd love to be able to bottle that up and use it when I want.) Then the only way I could have sex with him was either with a drink or xanax. I still think about Wh and OW EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. Its awful. But its to a lesser degree now. For me, sex is not really that important. Its been so long since we've had a normal sex life that I've grown used to it. Its an obligation at this point and I make a good effort. Its quite pathetic actually - I have a calendar where I mark when we've had sex so its acceptable. We have different expectations of what is acceptable but we found a compromise.

Interestingly - I didn't ask a single sex related question. It just wasn't important to me to know. So I don't really have any images in my head. I honestly didn't care too much about the sex - more so the betrayal of what the sex in marriage means, (or is supposed to)

Two months post D Day and our sex-life too is at its zenith. My husband was constantly cheating on me with call girls during his travels but whenever he returned, he found me very attractive and desirable.....I never knew he was cheating on me before but when I recollect it, each time he returned, he was craving for sex with me. Now this is something I still don't understand, neither does he.

We started our HB right after D Day and it is still going great. In my case I suppose it has helped me regain my lost confidence and given me the feeling of reassurance.

[This message edited by Shatteredlady at 6:41 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]

Six months in for me and no sex yet. Nor any kind of fooling around. Still not interested despite the verbal and non-verbal cues from my wife. Just too traumatic for me. And I'm dreading how I might react in the middle of it.

Now, my IC and I have discussed this and he inks I should just dive in to the deep end of the pool at this point. Feels I'm putting too much emphasis and therefore making it into this super big deal which has become daunting. Turning it into a self fulfilling prophecy. Basically, he's told me to chill out. Easier said than done.

I have to say that things have really changed for me this week. My therapist said I need to try and let my guard down a bit or I will not get out the of the depression. It was really scary doing that but I have been trying this week and that includes sex and honestly we are becoming closer everyday. I was so afraid of how it would make me feel and really... It felt great to be that close again. I didn't think about the OW (I'm sure that will happen and I'm dreading it) but I thought about how emotionally connected we are becoming and how that was always missing before. I hate to say it but I'm falling back in love with my husband, even though I just want to hate him for what he did.

EVERYONE PLEASE READ INTIMACY AFTER INFIDELITY BY SOLOMON

We read it together and I honestly think it is saving our marriage

HB for us within days of D-Day. Our sex life has never been better. No more HB, it's just really passionate and intimate. I've always liked sex and quite honestly he had the affair as I was entering my sexual prime. So it's been easy for us. Also both of us found sex to be a way to communicate when words gave us trouble. It has definitely helped us.

With that being said, I understand completely those of you who struggle with it.

I've never had mind movies. I know details of what they did but honestly, I've never tried to envision it. My suggestion there is to try to focus on what you are doing during sex and hopefully that will block the movies.

Well while I was pain shopping today I found picture of a note from the person in their hotel room next door asking them to be quite tonight because they were so loud.

I feel like a just took 5 steps back. I'm not loud and for show when we have sex. That bothers me... It's something that he probably likes and I will not do.

I'm never having sex with him again😡

Ok it all makes sense now. I also got caught up in hysterical bonding but now know what was actually happening. I couldn't understand why I needed and wanted him so much but still wanted to bash his face in and was repulsed aa well. But it was the best sex ever ... We were in a rut. His reason why he turned to OW. Things are calmer now. It's been over a year but our sex life is still going strong and I'm still learning to deal with OW visions but they are easier to deal with.

just over 4 months post dday. We did the hysterical bonding mode immediately. The mind movies and thoughts are there EVERY single time. I still enjoy it, however, it certainly isn't the same, just like every other aspect of life.

Do you ever feel like you won't be enough for him? Since he had you and still chose someone else? I think we've had amazing sexual chemistry but now I wonder. I'm constantly worried I will never be enough for him and if that's the case why are we staying together?

Having a rough day again today.😢

Sometimes she was in my head and I refused to let her have power over us so I pictured her cowering in the corner of our bedroom, crying because she realized he loved me and "they" were nothing but smoke. And in my head, I raised my middle finger to her.

Gonna try this.

Glad I'm not alone in the HB department. At first I thought there MUST be something wrong with me that I was able to be that intimate with him within a week of D-Day. Even after I'd moved out we'd find time to be together and have sex. I realized that part of it was me taking control back. But the mind movies... They're relentless. Lately they seem to have increased and I find myself completely disconnecting from him and focusing on the physical act to get through it.

Having issues with this situation as well.

I struggle with desperately wanting to be close to him (intimate) and really far away from him at the same moment.

The co-existence of two (at least) seemingly opposite emotions is frustrating and exhausting. It permeates other aspects of our relationship too: like being extremely happy and sad at the same time.

One emotion/feeling isn't stronger than the other. They are both equally as intense. And I'm never quite sure which one to act upon. When I pick one, I'm dissatisfied with myself afterwards for choosing whichever one I chose.

Pick happy, and I'm upset that I ignored and "buried" the sadness.

Pick sadness, and I'm upset that I ignored the opportunity to be happy.

It wasn't just my heart that was torn up: my very emotional being has been fractured.