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Moving over here from JFO. We are 4 days away from our first and hopefully only settlement conference.

I've been trying to think of all the things that I really expect to come away with. As of today, the truth is not one of them. My Stbxw has never provided anything more than the initial denials and TT afterwards during a brief let down in her defenses. We have no conversation, no interaction, just pass in the hous and yard.

My kids and I have tried to keep busy with stuff and a small trip for the three of us. The trip really turned out to be a good time, kids got along we talked, discussed and ended up with some interesting new ideas about each other.

I have not touched the burner phone in a week and though I still have it with me at all times, I'm not obsessing about it.

I have run into the OM a couple of times and he has taken steps to avoid me at all costs. No contact with OBS since they are trying to R. She cut me off from contact and I can respect that, just wish she would talk to me so I understood more about what has happened.

Been to the IC three times and it has helped, she released me to call her if I want to talk anymore. She feels that I have made some progress and that I am dealing with it as well as could be expected. I haven't lined the kids up for any counseling yet, they seem to have accepted the fact of what is going on and are making their own plans for post D life.

If we come up with a parenting, settlement plan before our scheduled court date 14JUL the marriage will be over. Amazing to think that just 8 weeks ago tomorrow the OM admitted their texting was not all the relationship had turned into and they were sexual. It took my Stbxw another 11 days to offer anything and it was only what she knew I had already heard.

Suggestions on the settlement conference are appreciated.

Well the courts sure move quickly where you live...that's amazing. Took me 6 months after filing before any court stuff even started.

No advise about settlement conference as the lawyers do most of the talking. But I guess go in knowing/proposing what you want and see how close (or far apart)you two are on a settlement. If it's the same as my 1st one it's really just a number crunching thing.

I don't recall if she ever answered the D filing....if you didn't get a response you might get your first look at what she's asking for...so be ready for that mentally as it could and probably will piss you off. But it's all smoke & mirrors.

**Example: I learned 15 minutes before the conference that my exWW was asking for like 10 years alimony and to reside in the marital home at my expense till my DD turned 21...my DD is FOUR. Both my Lawyer and the two mediation panel lawyers laughed in her lawyer's face at the table

You are kicking ass mblink !!! Super proud of you man !!!

You are doing great. I know its difficult but your going through this like a pro. I can understand when you say your up one minute and down the next. I really felt like my life was over with. I would live alone the rest of my life. I was so wrong. It took a long time for me to get back on my feet but I am a slow learner. Now that I am there I feel great. I don't regret walking away from my marriage. I don't regret for not fighting harder. I only regret that I stayed as long as I did.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you and its clear your a smart man. There are plenty women out there that have seen the negative side that will value what you have to offer. Life does get better. You know one of the things that really hurt was my xW would scream at me if I passed out early at night. Some days I would work 15 hour days and she still didn't really care. Once she was gone I started to notice I not only slept better I could go to sleep when I wanted. I can't even describe to you how good I felt just having that back in my life. Cheaters make our lives hell in so many ways. Your going to start to notice the things your stbx did you to.

Stay strong :)

C

Blink...WOW, still no remorse or regret from her. It makes me think they are still in contact & her dreams of the fantasy life with him are still in tact. Get ready for the fireworks when the separation conference becomes real. Stay strong. My prayers are with you & your family to continue the healing.

Go for primary custody. Your daughter maybe old enough to want to live with you and if she does her brother will follow.

May need to take a psych evaluation but so what.

No alimony!!!!!

My brother got custody and there was no adultery.

You can do this.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 7:34 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

Just got home from my DD graduation, 8th grade catholic school which is as high as the school goes. Nice program, had to sit in the same pew as Stbxw, for my daughters sake, our son sat between us.

Here's the issue, when I got home from work Stbxw was dressed to kill to attend the event. She asked me if she looked pretty and I didn't respond. She looked really good npbut why feed her ego. We attend the event and did not speak which is our life now. Afterwards at the reception as she came around I would move away. No sense in making it appear that all was normal it isn't and it is just about over. Anyway..... When she arrived back the house she made me aware that she had many compliments on how pretty she looked. I got pissed and asked if she screwed them? Well the last person that whispered sweet things in your ear you couldn't wait to jump on him and I just figured. So she tells me I'm crazy. I may be crazy but I still have my dignity.

I should have ignored it... It is almost over but she just knows how to piss me off.

I was surprised the church did not burn down when she and the MIL entered.

Remember that she knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.

Shields up. Back on track.

When she arrived back the house she made me aware that she had many compliments on how pretty she looked. I got pissed and asked if she screwed them?

Personally, I like your response. It kind of let her know you weren't impressed with how "pretty" she is / that it no longer matters to you. I envy the speed with which you're getting through this. Truly, it's saving you a LOT of heartache. Hard to believe, but true. (((( ))))

I should have ignored it... It is almost over but she just knows how to piss me off.

It's excruciating going through these family events with emotions riding so high. Absolutely excruciating. And then with her trying to wind you up on top... Ugh.

I know it's sometime nigh on impossible to not engage with the crazy, but whenever you can, please do not engage. Rising to the bait will only provide her with some sort of satisfaction which she doesn't deserve.

She's in some deep rabbit hole of self delusion where she thinks she's *winning* but she's already lost. Don't buy into it. You are the prize, not her. Remember that.

I you handled it well, and have been doing great.

Tell her that she looked "Pretty"

"Pretty slutty" J/K!!!

Dont!!!

It was my attempt at levity to try and cheer you up.

You are doing great bro, she is going to up the anti and try and get some jabs in here and there.

So like previous poster said Shields up.....give her crickets, indifference, is the goal here, indifference. you are doing great bro

So she tells me I'm crazy.

This is what The Princess has used on me regularly, because of course I simply MUST be crazy if I'm not willing to put up with her throwing her leg over every person who smiles in her direction.

She is trying to minimize the betrayal. You're not crazy; you have reacted rationally to a crazy situation that you didn't cause.

You are handling yourself with strength and dignity. Keep up the good work, dude.

I think you did just fine. What she wanted was for you to fall all over yourself because she looked so great... what you basically did was let her know that when she dresses up all you can think about is what a slut she is....

Not the effect she was shooting for and hopefully she isn't going to go that route again...

I'm continually amazed at how she can still firmly believe that YOU are the one that's going to miss out on her..... she's not going to get the house, 50/50 custody at most, go from unemployed to full time work in a job she hates, much less spending money... and OM still CLAIMS to be working on his marriage and not leaving his wife.

Have you gotten any hints at what she is going to be asking for in court? You had said she started moving some things out... is she still doing that? Taking some sub jobs? Trade in her car yet?

As always you are doing great at detaching and not playing her little games... time is running out for her.

[This message edited by Freeme at 4:50 PM, June 3rd (Friday)]

I too think you did fine, all things considering! I would suggest, if you think you can pull it off, to simply laugh at her (literally laugh), when she tries to pull sth like that again. I think that would be very effective in getting her to stop :)

just be careful with any blowups she could have a VAR on her too.

She has not caught on that she is not the prize anymore

[This message edited by Commanche1 at 4:11 PM, June 3rd (Friday)]

I don't know. I don't think you should play games, but if you wanted to, I think you should take another tack.

for example

WW: A lot of people thought I was pretty today.

You: (smiling) You are pretty. It's a shame you aren't loyal. I used to love you. Now, I'm looking forward to you moving out. Are you sure you can't move out earlier? It would be really helpful.

There are snakes that are pretty too.

Until they bite you.

My STBXH is always trying to pull up his shirt to show me how muscular his torso is. My guess is that cheaters crave all the validation they can get, even from the person they cheated on. I just don't respond. He also tries to tell me about every woman who hits on him, even though he's living with the one he cheated with. Never enough ego pets in the world for these people.

I received the divorce reply today. She filed to divorce me, asked for 50/50 custodyou with some strange holiday and summer schedule, she wants attorneys fees, claims I abandoned her in January, wantso child suppory- which was a given, spousal support, me to pay all the bills, provide insurance, she claims the kids in taxes, also claimed that I treated her in humanly and berated her in front of the kids,AND THE BIG ONE.

CLAIMS THAT I CONDONE THE ADULTERY.

All of which validates: You can't understand crazy. Wow. Doesn't want much, does she ? I wonder if her lawyer has advised her to ask for it all but also explained she won't get it all ? Or is she really thinking she will. Hard to imagine the spin she put on her A when discussing with her attorney in order to get the 'condoning her adultery' part included. Wow. She's way out there. Waaaaay out there. Hang in and hang on, Blink.