SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little backstory. My wife and I have been together roughly 22 years, we have 2 young girls. I found out about 8 months ago she has had 8 affairs (3 additional people turned her down) since we have been married, almost all with my "friends" (she is the only woman I have ever slept with, ZERO affairs on my part). She has brought home an std, all the good stuff you would expect in such a situation. One in particular was another person she is in the same profession as (lawyers). They don't work together in the same firm but have to see each other at court once a week MAYBE. I have been understanding about the work situation because I know she worked hard to get where she is and the contact is limited to work only.

So here is the situation, one of the judges is retiring. Wife really respects him and wants to attend the retirement party at the country club. I knew this was coming months ago and have been super stressed about it because the other lawyer she fucked many times (took our kids car seats out of the car to fuck, blew him AT the courthouse, tricked me into hanging out with, his wife has been our daughters school teacher for 6 years,etc)will be there. At first I agree we will go as we have been going to counseling and working on the relationship. As it draws near I can't stop feeling anxious about it and I get to the point where I don't want to go. I ask her if she will be mad if I don't go and she tells me she will be "disappointed" if I don't go. I express to her how much this will hurt me if she goes and hangs out sociably at a party with one of the many guys she cheated on me with. After all, there is going to be another retirement party at the courthouse for him that I think would be more appropriate for her to attend. At first she tells me she agrees, she knows it will hurt me and she is done being selfish and done hurting me and she will not go because she is going to start putting her family first. Ya, no, she went.

She tells me she wont talk to him. She tells me her secretary is going and she really wants her to sit with her. Ya, no, the secretary didn't go but she did find someone to sit with. ANOTHER lawyer who regularly sent her texts talking about him fucking her and she tried to tell me it was his way of "joking". She told me she was going to go for an hour and she went for almost 3 hours. And now for the kicker, im devastated and feel betrayed and she tells me its MY fault I feel this way because only I can control my feelings.

She also has this girlfriend who sleeps around with married men and I have asked my wife not to discuss our marriage with her and to discuss it with me, our counselor, or come here and she continues to go to this women who thinks its ok to sleep with married men. Again, it's my fault im getting my feelings hurt about this.

She thinks because she claims she hasn't fucked anyone since I found out and she is going to counseling, reading books, and posting here that she is a changed person. I feel like the same selfish behavior that allowed her to fuck all these people allows her to continue to accept no responsibility for my feelings. Am I wrong for having my feelings hurt? Am I wasting my time with her?

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 4:42 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]

Hey buddy tell her to fuck herself at these first of all you have no business reconciling. run get away from her again she's abusing you what she's doing should be against the law. File for D now there's no hope for this relationship she's unremorseful she's she's an evil woman get away from her if you can't then oh well then and get ready for lots and lots more pain she has no remorse she probably hasn't stopped the affair but you don't give a fuck about you at all.

She says only I can control my feelings so she isn't to blame for them getting hurt.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:23 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

And to answer your question , yes you're wasting your time with her ( and you're not in R).

Thats 8 she was able to do, 3 others turned her down. Its hard because we have been together for so long (we are 38 been together since we were 16). She has been claiming since she reads, goes to counseling, and post here she has changed and that she KNOWS whats inside her. I KNOW that what comes out of her is selfish bullshit like above. She is a manipulator who tells me when im hurting that its my fault because she doesn't control my feelings which is funny because she will go on for an hour about me hurting her feelings because I didn't put chicken in the cooker when I was done putting up groceries while she sat on her ass playing on her phone. Im a fucking idiot. Just need to hear it from others I guess.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 5:12 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]

tells me when im hurting that its my fault because she doesn't control my feelings

It's like the "why do you keep hitting yourself?" thing that bullies do.

Yeah , you're wasting your time dealing with her nonsense .

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 5:17 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:22 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

dummyx8, other than reading and counseling, what else has she done in the last 8 months? While she's right that she doesn't control your emotions, she's showing no empathy in her actions.

I suggest you read up on the 180 and focus on yourself for a while.

Its plain to see she has zero respect for you.

Shes busy working on herself (her favourite subject) and to hell with you getting in the way of her progress with your pissy hurt feelings.

She will see who she likes when she likes and you best quit bitching and get back in the kitchen where you belong.

This woman has torn your balls off and wearing them for earrings.

This woman is abusive and toxic. Period.

Your feelings are telling you that your boundaries are being crossed. Your boundary should be that you need to be loved and respected, so you won't tolerate anything less.

Her actions, from the affairs she has had to not agreeing to respect you with the party, are abusive on top of how much she has already abused you. She has learned that you will tolerate the abuse, so it just gets worse. She then manipulates you by shifting the blame for her unacceptable behavior.

The answer is to stop telling her to stop and to start showing her that you won't take it anymore. Go find the best attorney around and have her served with papers.

other than reading and counseling, what else has she done in the last 8 months

She has been to a psychiatrist and is on medicine for borderline personality disorder. She breaks her arm to pat her self on the back because she thinks she has changed sooo much but yet she treats me as shitty as ever. Its almost worse because now I know what all she has done and she still acts like me having hurt feelings over it as all my fault because she says I choose to have hurt feelings. Everything she does she skews to be about her and her feelings with little regard to mine. I don't feel like she has true remorse for the damage she has done. For awhile I was calling her MEME cause thats all she talks about "Me, Me, Me". While I whole heartily agree that she needs to get her shit in order im struggling with the "what about me" aspect of it. I don't ask the world from here when I feel like I have every right to after all the damage she has done. I just want signs of remorse, regret, feeling like im first in her life for once. I have a feeling that that will never happen though.

No, she does not have one shred of remorse.

Have you read about the 180? You can find it in the Healing Library. I would recommend you read it and implement it. It is a tool to help you detach and get stronger. Right now you sound very beat down.

She posts here? Then she must be lying when she posts, because our wonderful former waywards would call her on her shit in a hot second.

Not only should you not have gone to that party..She shouldn't have gone either.

.she's unremorseful, and still a wayward. You're nowhere near reconciliation.

Did you tell these other men's wives? They deserve to know.

She's had zero consequences. Why?

Like I said, she pats herself on the back saying she has changed in all these ways but doesn't show it to ME with her ACTIONS. She does post here (actually don't know her name on here) but I asked her to come here and post and ask if she should go or not. Of course she didn't post asking that question because she knows what the right thing to do was and she didn't want to hear it. The right thing and what she wants were in conflict with one another once again. I went and read the 180 and gave me some light bulb moments. Im still getting used to the lingo here so bare with me. She is acting like SHE is the BS and im the WS. She sees her self as some victim and she thinks everything should be about her (even though they always have been).

Ohh yes the other wives know, im made sure of that. I went into peoples homes, work places, called their work places, etc. Shit I had to refill my gas tank because there were so many god damn homes and business to go to. When she told me who the ppl were I had to promise her I wouldnt say anything to them,lol. Know what she told me when I told her I told the wives and told the men what pieces of shit they were to their face..."I knew I couldn't trust you". She told me "I knew I couldn't trust you" because I told the wives of all the men she fucked what she was up to,lol. Fuck my life im an idiot.

Man, I'm so sorry to read about your situation. Your WW sounds simply awful. It's your fault for getting your feelings hurt because you loved and cared for your wife. That's your only error.

I think you maybe wasting your time, sadly enough. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. Not in the least. That she would even consider going to this retirement party and not even caring at all how you'd feel about seeing all the men she's fucked behind your back is just plain wrong (on many levels).

Personally, I wouldn't go to this party and I'd insist that she not go, either. When she gives you shit about it, just remind her that this is all her creation, this shit storm. Consequences are a bitch, but hard to avoid in life.

For what it's worth, I think you may be wasting your time with her. Eight months later and she is still behaving like a selfish, spoiled child isn't much of a good sign. Sorry, but being honest.

You cant make a silk purse out of a pigs ear.

And you know you have a hog in heat on your hands. Sad thing is most of her workmates probably think so too.

Best you cut her loose.

You are still a youngster with plenty of years left in you to invest in a loving relationship.

Be honest with yourself and take a look at what the future will be as it stands.

Do you want to be a man in his fifties still uncovering her sexcapades?

When do you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start standing up for yourself?

As a man, no one can tell you what to do. In the end you are defined by the choices and decisions you make.

No one forces you to stay and endure this nonsense. Calling yourself names doesn't hurt her, it only reinforces that negative cycle and way of thinking about yourself.

She has disrespected you. She continues to disrespect you. She will disrespect you in the future.

Your feelings didn't stop her going to that party. Your hurt didn't stop her from going to that party and lying to you. Blaming yourself is not going to stop her continually f*cking you over.

There comes a time when you got to do what's best for you.

Doesn't matter how much IC she gets or how many books she reads if she can't respect your boundaries and thinks she's the victim.

Ya, no, the secretary didn't go but she did find someone to sit with. ANOTHER lawyer who regularly sent her texts talking about him fucking her and she tried to tell me it was his way of "joking".

This is highly inappropriate. With her history, are you sure there isn't something between them? Can you be sure nothing inappropriate happened at the party if she spent time with him? Even if all she does is accept his compliments and dirty talk, I'd still constitute it as a betrayal and EA territory. She shouldn't be talking anyone who says those things PERIOD. If she had any contact with OM at this party, that's also a continuation of A behavior. It's time to see a lawyer.