SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((HUGS)))

hang in there. Work on yourself; your mental toughness. Your emotional containment. Personality disordered people get off on pushing buttons and you have many. A really good read is "The Four Agreements" for working on yourself. And learning to not take her button pushing personally.

Thanks for the suggestion,I will check it out now. I have continued to not engage with her at all. I've been doing my own thing and not worrying about her or this trainwreck of a marriage. It has been emotionally healing for me to let go of her and her issues and not make them my issues. Long road ahead of me, but i finally feel like I'm getting some momentum.

We went to MC last night, why you're probably asking. Well I didn't want to go but she said she was going anyway. Well I could just see the writing on the wall with her and hear her say "im going to MC all by myself to try to make this work and you're not" and I wasn't about to let that happen. I also wanted to ask the MC about the party and his thoughts and of course he tells her she shouldn't have went. Well anyone who knows her knows you don't tell her what she doesn't want to hear. She immediatly started looking at her watch and could not wait to get out. She litteraly stood up and said times up and left. We get in the car and I ask her if she thought the MC was wrong too? She said she didn't want to talk. I said I do. She said are you going to talk all the way home and I said yes If I have something to say (no yelling, no name calling, no belittling, just normal adult talk). She says stop the car. I said what are you going to do walk home (its a 2 hr round trip from our house to the MC office in the next town over) and she said yes.....I stopped the car and said then get the fuck out and I drove home. 3 hours later she shows up at the house. We talk some more. She says she isn't sorry for hurting my feelings by going to the party and she would do it again. I said thats like me saying im not sorry for acting like a 4yr old and calling you names and I would do it again even though it hurts your feelings. Well once again she doesnt want to talk so I went to bed. She decides she is going to get up while everyone is in bed and leave the house in the middle of the night (like 10:45ish pm) and leave her phone home too. When she came home I asked her where she went and she said to the "park". Ya ok.

Im not sure what she is doing but I have never seen her go this far into victim mode. She is throwoing out all the stops and going back 17years in the past to talk about stuff she has NEVER brought up before. The more I have read and been told by ppl here about BPD and I can see how much of a hold it has over her and to be honest im worried about her which makes me wonder what disorder I have that I can't stop caring for her. All the afairs are way easier to get past than this perpetual victim attitude she has been displaying. I know now she has always been this way and the affairs were her coping mechanism for her victimism that all BPD exhibt.

I just recommended this book to a friend dealing with a BPD X wife. Check out your library first, but Barnes and Noble has it. Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder or narcissist personality disorder.

And stop talking to her. You cannot get through to her as long as she refuses to listen. It only has you spinning your wheels and gets you all upset.

Forget the 180, you really need to be as NC as possible at this point. Never been a fan of the 180 after it's established that the WS doesn't give a shit about you. At that point it's time to go scorched earth. You can love her as much as you want to so long as you love yourself more and walk the hell away.

I was still every bit in love with my X when I filed. I was in love with him for several months after. But, you CAN eventually fall out of love. Staying teaches your children that her behavior and this kind of relationship is acceptable. Plain and simple. Odds are, if you don't do something about it, one child will be an abuser, and the other will be a victim in their future relationships. I'm sure you don't want your kids going through this.

If someone has already posted this info, I apologize, time constraints only allowed for me to read only your posts on this thread.

One more thing, you have all the power in the world to change this dynamic. It's a choice to continue to stick around being abused. It's a choice to say, "no more, it stops here.". Only you know when you've had enough for you AND your children.

Wow. She walked home? What the hell....

Do not let her drag you back into her spiral. DETACH.

When or if she changes for real is on her.

No one can convince her that she is selfish and being a total asshole if she's not willing to hear it.

Detach and file for d

She got a ride from her friend that sleeps with married men too.

I have a cousin who has BPD and I've discussed the disorder with another member here who has BPD in my attempt to better understand my cousin. But your saga has led me to read up on BPD and infidelity specifically - and yowza...

Have you consulted an attorney? Are you getting your ducks in a row? Everything I read says BPD is even worse when it afflicts intelligent, professional spouses - a few articles mentioned law specifically.

I think you are being abused - and I suspect you've been abused much longer than the affair period. The longer you've been in an abusive relationship, the more difficult it is to escape. The abuse becomes your norm - you become accustomed to it.

You can't fix her - you can't make her be remorseful. You can only control your actions and choices. So how do you end the abuse? You get yourself out. You can only control you...so save yourself - save your children. Are you in counselling? I strongly suggest you see a counsellor - abuse leaves its mark - you'll need support to heal and become healthy again.

Wow.... she had no boundaries and no remorse. Selfish to the core that one.

We can not tell you what to do.... we can say what we would do... but unless faced with it we wouldn't know.

I just feel you deserve better than what she is capable of giving you. If she can not overcome her victim bullshit attitude and separate her actions from your past m issues no change will occur.

If she can't take being told she is in the wrong how will she ever feel it??

RUN...for GOD"S SAKE take your babies and RUN.

You are going to end up in jail. She is doing an AWESOME job of setting herself as an abuse victim and you are playing into her hand!

The car incident is going to be spun so that you were being abusive...she was scared...you kicked her out and then she "forced" to walk home.

Your going to home one day to the locks changed and the bank account drained and your children gone because she is going to tell the police a bunch of half truths. STOP PLAYING THIS DAMN GAME WITH HER! You are risking your freedom, safety and that of your children to try to stay married to someone who enjoys this drama!

DAMMIT MAN...please stop! This woman is dangerous.

This is just terrible. The way you are being treated is awful. And the sad thing is, I can understand how hard it is to leave someone who you know is not good for you. Almost makes you want to hold on tighter. Like you get a need for the drama, even though you don't really enjoy it. I have to watch myself with this stuff as well. I'm sure it's something wrong with me, too, but I'm working on it with a therapist, trying to understand why I feel the way I do. So far my therapist has told me I'm overly empathetic, which makes me want to put myself in some sort of martyr role where everyone else's needs come before my own. So, I'm working on watching for that sort of behavior, asking myself questions like "is this acceptable to me? Is it meeting my needs as well?" Not sure any of this helps you, just sharing in case it does. Hope everything works out well for you!

Man, you have no alternative but to end this and soon. She is as toxic and childish as my ex-business partner's wife. I had to leave a business with potential up the wazoo. XBP's wife decided that she needed him home 24/7 to do renovations that she did not trust to skilled workmen. Then she decides that he needs to leave (for so long as she wanted) so he goes to their vacation property and stays for months, then she decides she wants to be the cool mom, so she hosts an end of year party for her kid's high school friends (my youngest was among them). I get a call that a) she unlocked the liquor cabinet and was serving to minors and b) she slept with two of my son's friends during the party. (She was in her 50's, they were 17). I called the police, I was on their driveway in 3 minutes flat, and took as many kids as I could out of there before the police arrived. She is now labelled a sex offender. My relationship with my XBP is now nearly non-existent, except he owes me lots of money, which he will NEVER be able to repay. (PS-Your STBXW/WW is a lawyer, is she not? Why have you kept the lid on this? Why not let her and her AP's get disbarred? She has given you a shit sandwich a la mode, do you not think that as a parting gift you serve her a nice steaming croissant a la merde?

[This message edited by Been28years at 10:58 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

She most likely was with another OM last night. Did you verify her whore friend gave her that ride home? Because she most likely got a ride from a man, and that's who she met in the middle of the night.

Don't go to MC with her. Who cares what she says? She's a lying liar that lies.

She's proud of going to that party. She can say no OM was there, but that's a lie. One of the men she was flirting with, texting with was there. He's an OM.

File. File for full custody. Expose the affairs on company time. Blow this up.

Your kids already know.

Run from the crazy.

Stop talking to her.

She actually didn't blame me for the car...yet. Give it a day or 17yrs and I'm sure it will become my fault. I'm sure the whore friend gave her a ride. I have no idea what she was doing at the "park", that was new to me.

Wow .She is a legitimate sociopath , man ...

I REALLY , really hope that you've already checked with a lawyer and started the D process.

She's just crazy.

She probably went to the "the park" to do what she always does. You know she "worked sooo much on herself" , she deserve a little something....

Do you she's trying to set you up for something?

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 11:20 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

I might be naive, but I feel like she has stopped with the men which is why I'm seeing this other behavior. The BPD is really prevalent now when before it was well hidden.

Why do you think she "went to the park"? What did she do there?

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 11:46 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Thats what she said when she came home.

What do you hope to get out of all of this, bro?

Keeping my family together, having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose.