SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose.

And how do you think you can achieve this?

I am extremely concerned for your safety.

Have you gotten the VAR yet?

It's good you are detaching, but please start the process of SEPARATING. See a lawyer and ask about filing for exclusive use of the house. Please.

Keeping my family together, having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose.

In your current situation, that's not going to happen. No matter how hard you will it too. It's just not.

What is your bottom line in regards to what you will accept from her? Do you have one? If you do, can you stick to it or do you just move it in response to what she does?

double post

[This message edited by Been28years at 12:25 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

She gives every indication of being BPD, as well as a significant amount of sociopathy. (I recognize those traits really well, as I am the son of a sociopath, and paid dearly for it).

First, keep a VAR on you at all times. Sorry, but she has it in her to get physical, or, as my XBP's wife did, she got one of her AP's to try and assault her husband. Her reasons? He was not obeying every whim. He objected to her fucking other men.

Second, get the hell out of there. Communicate only by text, written word. You do NOT have a marriage. You NEVER did. You supplied a profile for her socially. That is all. Get out now! You are not going to have a wife that cares. She will hurt you at will. She does this because her particular mania says that she can with complete impunity. She will escalate. Get out now!

Even if you get a VAR, NEVER admit it.

You guys know she can read everything on here (because she's on SI) , right?

She can and does read here. I'm sure some things bother her immensely. Possibly even hurt

Her to see. But maybe some of it will open her eyes to what she is doing. Writing one thing here and being completely different in the real world.

I think if one wants to put their entire focus on their so called work they are doing and none on actual remorse and true empathy for what they have done to someone else.... is fine but do it alone.

Otherwise I feel reading all the books and writing and all the other great things are wasted when put to use for only selfishness.... maybe does not make sense I have a hard time with words sometimes.

All I'm saying is if she wants to work on only herself she should be by herself.

[This message edited by Nooneleft at 1:28 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

X8 is dealing with a profound sociopath. She is dangerous. The behaviors that she is expressing appear to be ramping up. It would not be outside of the realm of possibility, that she will hurt herself and attempt to have X8 implicated.

X8, file and get the hell out of there. Every alarm bell in your head should be going off at this point. The external looks like the woman you married, the internal is a monster. Save your kids and save yourself.

Get the best lawyer in town who hasn't fucked your wife. Take her to the cleaners. I know she has been outed, make it worse for her. That way if she comes at you, people will know that you are a victim.

"Keeping my family together, having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose."

Gently, do you know the difference between hope and wishful thinking? Hope is when you have a reason to believe the dream can come true. Otherwise, it is just a wish. Please deal with reality or reality will bite you hard.

Keeping my family together, having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose.

I have two questions.

1. What has she done to prove above and beyond, that this marriage is something she wants to heal and save? Be realistic. What cold hard facts do you have to back that up?

2. What is the cost you're willing to pay in order to get what you're dreaming for? Because she's setting you up to lose everything you hold near and dear. Are you willing to lose everything, for a hope, a dream?

Guys its useless talking to him. He will not listen to any of you. No matter how sage, how his-interest-in-heart advice you give to him.

If he wanted divorce, he would have filed.

If he wanted to get out of abuse, he would have filed

He is still holding on to the notion of a false love, he is still in the "she is lost" mode. He has no pride, no dignity, zero self esteem to walk away from this toxic situation. And you guys cant help him on that over the internet.

Its pointless talking to him. He is just using you guys as the ego kibbles that he is currently not getting in any other relationship in his life at this point.

He is in his own fog with own issues that are as acute as any wayward. I may even suspect he is addicted to this "drama" of chasing his wife and trying to save her. Thats deep.

Stop giving him the ego kibbles.

[This message edited by sum1no1 at 3:18 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

He is still holding on to the notion of a false love, he is still in the "she is lost" mode. He has no pride, no dignity, zero self esteem to walk away from this toxic situation.

I would actully agree with this. From reading your story I assume you know how hard it is to just walk away like nothing happened to me. I see how you coped with your wifes betrayal which was to punish yourself with your own self destructive behaviours. As you know, its not easy to simply walkaway. Thanks for your input though, bluntness is what I need.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 3:46 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

No dx8 - you are reeling from the abuse cycle. BPD's are so savvy - you're a victim. Just protect yourself.

Keeping my family together, having a wife that cares when she hurts me and doesn't repeatedly hurt me on purpose

You aren't going to get that with her. She has a mental illness. She isn't going to change. You need to save your girls. Get an attorney. Get exclusive use of the house and custody of the girls. As your WW looses control of you she is going to esculated her behaviour. Protect your girls from the fall out of that.

If you want to you can work on things with your WW once you and the girls are safe. Only you can decide when enough is enough but right now your girls need to be safe. Give them a stable loving home. Give them a chance of a peaceful life. I know it feels normal to you but this dynamic you and your WW have isn't healthy. Imagine one of your girls being subjected to what you are by their husband. Are you ok with that? No then give them a chance to break the cycle of abuse. Show them what a normal safe home and relationship feels like so they can see the red flags waving by themselves.

I mentioned earlier about a close family member who has/is going down the path your wife has chosen. Your wife is very intelligent, very driven, and very aware of her role in this. You wonder what's next? Alienation. She will attempt to alienate everyone you know from you. Your daughters, friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers, everyone she can communicate with. Heck, she will having you believe you are wholly to blame and the reason everything has gone to hell. You will be portrayed as abusive, secretive, and criminal. There will be well placed accusations that you cannot defend. She may escalate the victim role to include suicide threats, possibly even allow you to catch her in the act. Get to a specialist who can assist you in pulling away from her and can facilitate your self preservation. This is way above your pay grade and your ability.

In the beginning I referenced a family member. Her husband has spent the last 20 years attempting to save his M and his two children by using love and showing respect for their mother. His reward? He is finally D her. His two young adult children have no respect for him, blame him for everything, think he is stupid, only contact him for money, and lie for their mother because they think she walks on water.

Your first mistake was to stop working on detachment and getting sucked back into her game. You shouldn't care about her going to MC with the potential that she could say that she tried and you didn't.

The mistake underlying that one is the hope that she is going to show you love and respect in the midst of ongoing actions that say something very different. She gets her way as a profession and she has shown that it isn't just a job, but a way of life for her.

Detach, detach, detach! Give yourself the time needed to see clearly so that you can start to protect yourself and your kids from the abusive, dysfunctional ways your wife is behaving.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 4:17 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Please pay close attention to what Aubrie posted.

She is a former ww. She is what every BH wants in a fww. She is a remarkable human being. She has done the hard work. She has walked the walk. Heed her advice.

We have many wonderful former waywards here...And many are seeing what we've been telling you. They have no problem calling an unremorseful WS on their shit. Pay attention.

Did you get the VAR?

Your ww knows you want reconciliation. She's using that to further abuse you.

sum1no1,

If this thread triggers you, feel free to step away. Telling people to not support another member will not be tolerated.