SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I lived this. This was my childhood. My father never laid a finger on my mother and she spread her BPD lies all over town. I suggest you find a good psychiatrist that you can talk to about personality disorders

You need to discuss things with a professional who knows what people like your wife are capable of. Please get your children into therapy. Please get advice from a professional.. You are a father. You have to do what is best for them no matter what your hopes and dreams are.

Charlie, How are you doing today? My STBX is NPD I spent my entire adult life with him. I didn't find the strength to leave him until I started IC with someone who specialises in helping victims of abuse heal. I am still a broken shell of who I use to be but I am making progress, finding myself and realising how controlling my Ex was/ is. It is going to be a slow process for me to "unprogram" myself and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure that our children don't grow up thinking that they can't have wants and needs. I want them to learn the value of themselves and live in a peaceful home so they know the value of peace, love and acceptance. I hope to be able to one day model a healthy loving relationship to them so they accept nothing less for themselves.

You are a capable adult so I am not going to tell you what to do but please consider starting IC for yourself so you can begin to get strong enough for whatever the next step is for you.

Rose makes an excellent point about the IC.

I was once in a very similar situation as you. I wound up clinically depressed and went to IC for it. Best decision ever, for my daughters and M as well as myself. It allowed me to be the best Dad I could be.

Seriously, getting some cognitive behavioral therapy is an excellent idea. Please consider it.

I was in IC for about 3 months but then we started MC and I stopped the IC because of my work schedule and because in IC we mainly discussed WW and I was doing that in MC anyways. Today has been fairly good, pretty calm. She has apologized about the party, apologized about ignoring my feelings and ignoring me when I was in pain. She has agreed not to repeat the party situation again going forward. I know that right now it's just lip service and we will see what happens when its time to prove it, but for today, its something.

Maybe stop the MC for now? Work on getting you strong and let her work with her IC about her issues? You have suffered major trauma and also abuse. You need an IC to help you work through that IMO.

I am glad you had something postive today.

Has she apologized for mocking your pain? She did a hell of a lot more than just ignore you. If she just said sorry and left it at that then yeah, it's lip service. It's the absolute bare minimum and even then she doesn't take responsibility for the cruelty she unleashed on you in those fights.

Wow, x8, I'm so sorry for you. No one deserves any of what you are going through.

Your WW sounds a lot like my XW in many ways. She promised a lot but really did very little. Anything that would affect her in any way was not acceptable. My pain was an inconvenience for her.

Do yourself a favor and get out now. I know you want to save your marriage for yourself and your kids. I wanted the same. It's not worth it.

You and I are the same age. There is life after divorce. Your girls are 12, that helps tremendously.

GET.OUT.NOW. If nothing else, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. She doesn't respect you at all. You've shown her nothing to respect.

I get that you aren't ready to give up on your marriage yet. Like you, I got all the dump and run advice. I have to admit that it was good advice when I was getting it, but I just wasn't ready for that yet.

So I get it. You aren't ready for that yet. You have chosen to stay and see what happens. And you know what? You have every right to do that. You are the only person who knows what all you are capable of tolerating. Heck, you might even enjoy the toxic drama going on around you for all I know. I highly doubt that since it sounds like you are trying to find a way to put a stop to it, but it's possible.

Anyway, you are the only person who is walking a mile in your shoes. You have the right to make whatever decision you want to make. Whatever advice you get is only advice. They aren't the one who has to live it or live with the outcome of it. You are. And your children are. So do whatever you want. You're going to anyway regardless of what anyone says or does not say.

But I will ask that you get back into IC. For your own benefit. It doesn't matter that all you do is talk about your WW in it. It's your safe place to vent you many years of emotions from all of the abuse that you have gone through. Your WW is in no position to be able to support you in your healing at all. So use IC to help you with you healing instead. And maybe in time as you start to heal from his hellish trauma and abuse that you've been through, you will start addressing your own issues. That includes your co-dependency. An emotionally healthy person does not cling to a highly dysfunctional and toxic person the way that you are doing. A healthy person knows how to stand up for themselves and how to enforce healthy boundaries with others without playing into this toxic blow up that happens between you and your WW.

So get into IC for your own benefit. Work on your healing and work on the many issues that you now have as a result of your WW's abuse. Do it as an investment in your own future. You deserve to heal and you deserve to get emotionally and mentally healthy. If not for you, do it for your daughters so that you can be the role model of what an emotionally healthy person is and how they conduct themselves. They need you to ace this just as much as you do.

Hi Charlie.

Just checking to see how you are going. When you are in an abusive relationship and your abuser offers you some crumbs of decent behaviour you have been trained to feel like you have been offered more than you deserve.

But it isn't true. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Your WW should be bending over backward to try and help you heal. Her actions everyday should be focused on you and your girls and not herself.

There is a big difference between fake remorse/ regret and actual remorse.

Don't accept fake apologies and crumbs of attention anymore Charlie. You deserve so much more.

Hi OP. How are you doing?

I'm worried that you've stopped posting.

Did you stop because your ww made this an unsafe place for you to get support?

Did you stop because you decided to stay married to her,hoping things will change, and you're embarrassed by that decision?

I suspect that's it. Just so you know...You wouldn't be the first BS to remain in a marriage with an abusive, unremorseful WS...and you won't be the last. You have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. While,of course, we would hope you would take the advice given and remove yourself from this abuse,you are not required to take that advice. We are here to support you.

Please check in.

Dx8, how are you?

bump

I'm going to bump this up one more time.

OP...are you there? Are you ok? You've had a lot of people on this thread reach out to help you. An update would be considerate. Even if it's just to say you won't be posting here anymore.