SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I lie, my BS feels betrayed and crushed. Security is questioned,

What does that feel like to not feel secure?

What does it feel like to be betrayed?

What is crushed?

You need to work a little harder. Nice words, but you need to flesh this out more. What does that mean?

When I lash out in anger, my BS feels violated by the ferocity and lack of reason for this reaction

Do you deliberately frighten her? How do you think that feels to have someone you love deliberately frighten you and create this?

Again, try as hard as you can to put yourself in her place.

When my BS finds out about my extracurricular activities she feels utter devastation from the knowledge that everything she believed real has been shattered.

Again, what does this MEAN?

You have a lot of work to do.

CAt

A reminder for the BS's posting in this thread. BS's are not to throw 2X4s in this forum. Doing so will get you removed from here.

This Current Post Edited to reflect that the poster was an idiot.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 11:15 AM, March 17th, 2017 (Friday)]

SorrowfulMate, that was my phrase, not Pigpen's. As a BS, it's my responsibility to tread gently in here and to let the WSs wield any 2x4s necessary.

Cat

I think you can use a bit stronger language... just letting you know.

To feel not secure is to lose the equilibrium of standing still and not needing something to hold on to. To know that what is touched isn't really felt. Unreal.

Betrayed is watching the knife sliding into your back and not able to stop it. Crushed is knowing the offender committing this crime.

Never deliberately tried to frighten her. To see and feel the extent of this is cruel and just plain mean. To see the one who is supposed to be your strength, protector from all things and the rock of stability lose that control. Excruciatingly painful and saddening.

To have a life planned and all the colors picked out, rocking chairs on the porch and grand kids on the lawn. Watching that be swallowed by a massive sinkhole and standing on the edge with no rope to throw in helping save a dream, desire and unrealized contentment.

This is horrible and terrorizing in thought and reality.

This morning, I fucked up major. Again. She demanded I sent a link to a divorce site so she could sign and get notarized a waiver of service. She was listing my crimes and I yelled at her. For hearing what I had done. She was pissed that I was ignoring her when she stated she wanted no contact with me. I listened. But, when she told me not to cheat, I didn't listen. She is in sooo much pain that I am responsible for. Putting myself in her shoes in that house where the crimes were confessed and further atrocities committed. I can't begin to explain the scene of hurt and helplessness and rage I imagine she is going through. That anyone is capable of inflicting that much pain is unthinkabley monstrous. That I'm that monster is sickening!

Hi pigpen64.

I understand that this is the most you have posted ever. That is saying something maybe.

I want to tell you that you are going to take one step forward and likely ten steps back at first.

You are good at answering questions so here goes.

Do you understand the reasons why you lash out when cornered by your wifes questions?

Have you always (even in childhood) felt you had to defend yourself in such a way in order to self preserve?

I ask because your wife is simply asking you stuff about your affair that you have been upfront with her about. Why can't you simply answer?

You are the opposite of my WH. He is an avoider. You seem like a defensive person when cornered. Just an observation.

Perhaps you have always had to roll this way, even as a child, in order to survive and now its your normal. Perhaps it is the shame of your affair that causes you to lash out. It's not an excuse but there could be a pattern. You may need to own and deal with that shame to move forward. You see, your wife needs you to heal and help heal her. That can't happen this way.

I would suggest that you pause for ten second before you answer your wifes questions.

Men think and process differently and often need time to process before answering. (let your wife know you plan to pause and calm yourself so she doesn't think you are just trying to come up with a lie or something)

Also rapid-fire questions are a norm for a betrayed spouse, however I have found that if there is ever a time that my WH gets defensive it is when he is overwhelmed.

So now if I ask him questions (which i dont do now because we are at a standstill unfortunally.) I only ask so many questions at a time. only so often. Limiting my questions did help and there were times where he came to me a bit afterwards with more to add to his answer because he thought about it more. It helped.

Have some sort of agreement between you that both can walk away when things get heated. Agree to come back to the talking when both are calm again.

You are doing well by posting. You can own this but it takes patience and alot of work and bravery. You are being brave right now.

Keep the wheels rolling pigpen64.

At this point, don't think it matters anymore...

It always matters.

We all matter.

You have just been rolling one way for so long you can't see why it's not working for you anymore.

Why doesn't it matter? Why do you think that?

I say it doesn't matter because I haven't controlled angry outbursts at my BS. We've talked a few times, more she talks and I'm silent. She asks questions and the answers, or words I say, don't do much in the way of explanations. I hear myself speaking and telling, but I'm not giving her what she needs. I'm a fairly smart person, but really suck at verbalizing or trying to expound properly the chaos in my head. Mean and spiteful words that hurt her. I see them and hear them as they leave and kick myself for not having the control to prevent it. I probably sound like I'm whining and poor poor me. Probably. Fuckin hate myself for the damage done to such a wonderful woman.

Found an anger management book on Kindle. Reading the sample to see if it hits anything. Also found a book on PISD.

Lack of remorse is a problem too also. Maybe a bigger hammer...

Your still here. It's a start. A big start.

Keep posting. You are capable of learning. You will learn.

You are capable of changing. You will change.

Just keep posting.

If you love your wife you will keep posting and learning.

But pigpen, you need ic.

FOO is absolutely at play here. No one is born like that. You were shaped that way. It isn't an excuse or cop out. It is a fact. Seeing the connection between FOO and who you are today doesn't solve any problems, but it absolutely helps.

We can't beat compassion into you. No one can make you change. You have to choose to. You can change, but you aren't trying. What have you read? Audio books are awesome for long trips. This shit takes grueling work and if you aren't even trying she should leave your ass. Life is too short. ACT therapy has been a game changer for me. Learning to act in alignment with my values in spite of my negative thoughts and painful emotions. I can behave in a way that I'm proud of and you can too. People don't lose 100 lbs by whining about how much they eat. They get their ass to the gym and eat healthy foods.

I recommend the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It has been amazing for me in my journey. Listen to it. Or another book from the list in the wayward forum. Do something. Shit or get off the pot.

You say you left home at 17. Got out of there. Why ?

On the road?

Yes, on the road. Be home next friday-ish. FOO story. Born navy, abusive alcoholic father. They divorced when I was 2. Have an older brother by 2 years. I was a mistake, my mother's words. She remarried, army. He was a gem also too. Bully. They made my sister. Yup, middle child here. Brother couldn't do wrong and I was just there. Saw a lot of stuff growing up. Lived in Germany for 3 years. Saw all sorts of neet shit. Castles, antique towns, etc. That was from 8-11. Fun part, 18 schools in 11 years. Always bullied in school, small kid. Made trouble for attention. Alcoholic, addict, recovering. Always... Um... ya.

How to help your spouse heal..., the love languages, getting past the affair. Started the Notebook. Gotta confess didn't finish helping ...heal. I've taken us to texting for communication. Shame and anger suck!! Read sample on anger management, gonna get it. Thank you

Anyway, I'll be 53 beginning of may. That's so weird... I think I'm still a 10 year old little boy sometimes. Nite...

I'll be 53 beginning of may. That's so weird... I think I'm still a 10 year old little boy sometimes

And emotionally, you may be stuck at age 10 (or thereabouts). Abuse, neglect, bullying, trauma, etc. can stunt/stop our emotional growth, and until those issues get dealt with we never mature beyond that age.

It sounds like you have profound levels of shame and self-loathing. You can choose to keep lashing out because of those feelings (and as a result make them grow stronger), or you can start dealing with them and work on emotional growth instead.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown is a great book on shame. You are getting the ball rolling. Good!

Not even sure what to say anymore. I've been going direct to asshole when asked questions. Afraid of the shame. Afraid of the guilt that goes with the shame. Fix it! Right? Today, during our daily dose of pain for my BS, I said that I think I'm losing my mind. Um, first. I had a voice-mail from her I forgot was on there. She stated I was ignoring her. I was, in fact, securing a coil. Regardless. I called her, when she had done nothing and was having a calm morning. "I'm not ignoring you". In a snarky way that, yet again, hurt her. She had left that 2 days ago and I forgot about it. She WAS having a not-as-bad morning. I was on the defensive before she even knew what was happening. So, we go into the Q/A portion. Shit. She is trying to help me to apologize correctly. Digging! When you answer, then ask why. That's called digging. She would question my answer, I answered a couple then progressively got angry. Felt like my answers weren't good enough when, in fact, she only wanted to know the why behind the answer. WTF!

Oh I'm so glad you're still posting.

You need help. I can feel it in your post.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

Have you EVER asked your wife for her ear?

How much do you think it would mean to her if you asked her to listen as you explain all of this to her.

Your shame. How it feels to know you broke her. How sorry you are. Truly sorry. How you can't explain the why just yet, but you want to get the answers she so desperately seeks because you love her and want to change.

Pigpen, don't say those things to her unless it's the truth.

Is it?

Blew it right out of the water! The anchor has been disengaged from the ship. We are supposed to move from a 1600 Sq ft house to a 1000 Sq ft apartment. Downsizing. I've made it so bad that BS told me she would only sign the lease if I gave her a legal seperation where I was responsible for the bills but no contact with her. I don't live there. I figured it was better than a D and she would sign when she had papers in hand. Had a legal seperation made and we both have a copy. Not notarized, but the paper is there nonetheless. She had already signed the damn lease, but told me she didn't to see what I would do. I assholed it. When I went back to work, it was the last contact she wanted with me. Email only and only pertinent things. I have throughly destroyed anything and everything. That poor woman gave me every chance and many more that she didn't have to. Blinded by my own selfishness. Just shoot me