SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At this point all you can do is work on yourself. You clearly don't like yourself very much so that's not a bad thing actually. Give her the space she is requesting and start digging you. Have you looked into the resources that were provided to you earlier in this thread as far as IC? Read any books?

You can't just wave a magic wand and fix this mess you've created, but you have a decent shot at changing yourself which will inherently make your life better.

I will not be calling you pigpen any longer. Hope that's not against the rules here (big rules follower here) but I feel the hatred you have towards yourself in that name.

Ray,

You remember, of course, I am a betrayed spouse myself. Just a reminder.

Are you saying that your wife is no longer wanting to work this out? That she wants to live apart? It is vague in your post.

You are spiraling. Nothing will change that but you.

As i stated before, your wife has been abused by you.

What is it she has been asking for? What does she need?

You can not go on like this. And I know your wife can't. She is suffering. I know her suffering.

What has she expressed in terms of need?

Why can't you give her what she needs?

Please answer my questions without all the hoopla.

Straight forward answers. We will help you.

As i understand it you have been abusive in the past. Defensive and avoidant.

I'm not positive, but do you go home on the weekends, fight and get defensive and ultimately avoid answering questions? Then leave her in her pain for a week as you travel? Then repeat? This is cruel. Do you want to continue to live like this? Do you want this for your wife?

How long has this been going on?

I feel you have no idea what to do. Listen to what has been told to you here.

Your wife has stated earlier on your thread that she is hopeless to have a good marriage with you. Did you hear her? She loves you. But she is hopeless now.

You need to respond now. I understand that this thread is the most you have responded to. That is good, except this work is hard, and you need to do it. Have you done anything?

Your wife needs you to do it.

I've got a simple thought. You said you suck at verbalizing. I also know as a trucker you have enforced downtimes (unless you are illegally running multiple logbooks).

Write a letter. Answer her questions by putting pen to paper. Keep your mouth shut rather than losing your cool. Then stop and put pen to paper. Write out your apologies, answer her questions, allay her fears, confess your love in a way she can hold in her hand. Do it without emotional tantrums.

Perhaps you should be silent and not be emotionally abusive in your words... She might be willing to put up with silence vs angry outbursts if you answer in letters.

Also see if you can find a therapist willing to talk over the phone during periods you can't do face to face visits... You sound like you have deeper problems to face.

So Pigpen,

We can't control the outcome of our spouses decisions. We can only control ourselves. To believe you can control your spouse's decisions is only to continue to be manipulative.

So let her go for now. Remember that cliche, if you love something let it go? Focus on yourself. Better yourself. The only direction this can take you is up. To force a grip on her will only make things worse, you will only be continuing the manipulation and coercion.

So accept the fact you shouldn't control her. And focus on your mental health. Become a better person. She isn't gone for good, and if she is then accept that and become a better person for yourself and a future relationship. Learn from your mistakes rather than repeat them.

You can do it. Everybody can.

Just letting y'all know I'm with BS and we are working on us.

"We are working on us"??

She can't do your work and you can't do hers. She can (we all can) make suggestions, encourage, swing 2x4s, but ultimately you gotta be the one to get your hands dirty.

Hello. She gave me another chance and I fucked up. Haven't talked to you and haven't talked to the online therapist. We are in the truck and BS was trying. Listening to voicemail from a credit service, I forgot to erase the lawyer message for the separation. Now she wants to be done with me for good.

Ray

So are you saying she is travelling with you? In the truck? This is progress.

I'm glad you didn't delete the lawyer message. Your wife should be privy to all your messages. It's called full transparency. Your mistake was not giving her your phone immediately so she could hear that message. She is likely angry that you kept it from her, maybe?

She knew you were separating at the time. right? That's what I gathered from your post earlier. Like three or so posts ago. She had wanted to separate?

Why is she angry about you speaking with a lawyer? It's not clear in your post. You needed a lawyer at that time for the legal seperation I imagine.

You are going to make alot of mistakes as you reconcile. This is so very hard on a betrayed spouse.

You need to post here to learn how to change your life. You can do this. Don't give up. We can help you.

It is a gift that your bs is giving you. But it is hard work and you've not dug down and started that work. That is why you are legless in tonight's situation.

Start the work she's asked you to do. Start the work the fine people here have recommended that you do.

When things seem good with your wife and then you slack off the work she feels hopeless. Hasn't that been proven to you by now.

POST. DO THE WORK. ASK FOR HELP HERE.

Strength

This is the first time I'm posting on this side. I'm a BS and it seems like u want some opinions from the BS's. I also happen to be thankful to be alive due to a very toxic and abusive relationship before I met my husband. My question is....you say you are an abuser. But u say it's mental and emotional....has t ever been physical? I ask because my past relationship was all 3. When my H got busted being wayward he said to me "I don't know why your crying this hysterically, it's not like I beat you or something". To which I replied "I'd rather u beat me". You see, women have a tendency to want to "fix" broken men. And no offense dear but u are WAY broken! How do u let a blood line relative get THAT close to u? That's a special kind of broken. But I digress. For women, emotional abuse is often worse than physical abuse. Bruises and broken bones heal. But the o my thing that heals a broken mind is therapy and time. If u truly love this woman then u HAVE to get help! What you are doing to her is disgusting. I didn't ready your story, but I did read something that said u have 3 daughters. So I ask u the same question I asked my H when shit hit the fan....how would u feel if a man treated one of your daughters, or sisters, or mother even the way you are treating your wife? I don't know if u believe in God, but i do. And his word says that God is love. He also says to love your wife as you love yourself. If your treating your wife this way then your not even loving yourself. Confessing you are an abuser is not enough. GET HELP!!! Stop being so controlling! Wake up each day with the attitude of "how can I put my love into action". I truly feel for your wife's plight. Abuse is never an easy thing to over come. I am one of the lucky ones. I got away before it was too late. So many women don't. U wanna "own your shit"? Stop making excuses and man the f*** up! Learn how to love yourself so that you might love her better! It's crazy to me that she is even with you after finding out about the incest. That would be a deal breaker for me. I will pray for you and your wife. But u seriously need to learn a little empathy and not just admit you know u are messed up, but do something about it as well. If your marriage is a priority then prove it! Get help, change jobs, show her effort. I realize mo ur may be an issue. But all money isn't good money. What good is money if you lose everything else in the pursuit of it? There are short drive haulers and even local haulers. Yes it means a pay cut, but that just means u have to work that much harder and own up to the fact that u put urself in this position so now it's up to u to commit to fixing it!

Nala86, no not physical. Yes, she has given the gift of being here. It's not good tho. I've broken it again. We are in full blown divorce talk. Again, she'll ask something and I answer(or evade) I see the fuck I am and see red. Then I yell back(or start) and the damage done is multiplied. Again.

Is it terribly messed up that I pay for the apartment we were going to move to? Auto debit and all, I don't live there and if I need to go there, she is forewarned.

I blew this shit right our of the water and just stay in this fucked up place. Fuck me

Bump