SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let me ask you about how it seems like part of the reason you are so invested in R is because your OM cheated on you. has husband asked about that? What a slap in the face... and you wore his clothes to next to your H... that's one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard. If I was your husband I feel would like the back up plan... and if you were honest with yourself he probably is. And I would feel like your just doing this R because it's your only option after OM made it clear he wasn't going to commit.

I get the feeling this the classic doting nice guy beta male husband gets cheated on for the alpha male takes what he wants and says what he wants and fucks you rough guy. I even think you wore that shit to bed in a way to feel close to the "bad boy" so you can show who your real "daddy" is.

So I gotta ask... what if it was all real? What if he never lied and he told you he's always loved and wanted you and that on DDAY he was going to leave his wife and wanted to be with you? What would you have done?

I was committed to R well before I found out anything about OM.

I have spent the last weekend with H enjoying the beach with the kids and it has been great. It hasn't been always easy because we are getting through the pain I have caused, but I am extremely lucky in the fact that he is working with me. I understand my story has upset some people and there are many posts I don't agree with and I am not going to post on here to defend myself.

For those giving respectful constructive help, thank you.

Even if what OM was real, it wasn't what I want. I was the one who ended the A when his wife found out and I was the one who walked away when he begged me to stay this time. Yes...I was the one who let him into my life both times and I understand that. I don't want him. I want H, whatever life we build together from here. He wants me and I want him. It isn't going to be easy, but it is what I want.

Part of working on reconciliation and attempting to rebuild the destruction of the affairs requires that you reframe how you look at your behavior and how you talk about it. You have been willing to be painfully honest with your spouse - you also need to be painfully honest with yourself.

You did NOT end it the first time and you are giving yourself too much credit for walking away the second time. You got caught both times. The first by the OM's wife and the second time by your betrayed husband. You did not have an epiphany of wrongdoing - you were caught and compelled to action as a result.

This is not intended as an attack but I do think it is important that waywards are honest with themselves. The path to fixing yourself and the mess your infidelity has left in its wake starts with you doing some very painful soul searching and retiring how your brain works, the words you use and essentially your core personality.

MM- At some point it has to be about the future. Please don't let any of the posts dissuade you from posting again (use the stop sign if you need to).

None of us can change the past. While we remember the lesson it teaches us and shows us who we don't want to be it is part of our history. Running away is how most WS got here. I see you aren't running anymore and I appluad you for that.

Your H has given you a second chance and that is what matters. It is about the two of you. I do think you do need to work on yourself some more in IC so keep that up. No matter the outcome no one can take that growth away from you.

A lot the advice on here can be discouraging and being a BH myself I so understand the value of acknowledging the efforts that our WS put into healing themselves and their M. How else does one now they are on the "right" path ?

We all need that carrot. It renews us. It gives us hope. It shows us that things can be better if we want them to be.

Best of luck in your R story. I myself am 6 years out this month (hence my spike in posting) I don't have everything figured out, but that good future is slowly becoming a reality. Don't give up. Your H clearly loves you. It takes time, but it does get better. I hope you realize your worth and can become someone you both are proud of.

You help your husband by being honest with him and yourself. You aren't there yet because you can't face the ego drop. Agree with Sananman, you stopped both times after you were found out.

I was the one who ended the A when his wife found out

so? Are you saying that to prove the AP means nothing to you or are you saying that to prove that you mean everything to the AP? You walked away because his wife knew. The jig was up.

and I was the one who walked away when he begged me to stay this time.

so? Are you saying that to prove the AP means nothing to you or are you saying that to prove that you mean everything to the AP? Again. You walked away because your husband found out and the jig was up. You basically realized you couldn't be a cake eater anymore. You help your husband by fixing yourself and facing the truths.