SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Read this article and sent to my WW because I told these things for years and she ignored them..once she got to read this she said she wished she had listened and had took time to read something like this back then. I don't like posting arrivals but these seem to hit home for slots of us BS..hope it helps and share it.

Sex IS the “glue” in a marriage!! It is fundamental. A leg of the chair that is your relationship. Sex is certainly not everything, and in the greater scheme of a marriage, it’s actually a pretty small part of the overall interaction between two people, but, truly, sex is what holds all the rest together.

This is a subject I’ve been ruminating on for a while, based on numerous things I’ve read. And I don’t want you ladies out there to be angry, but there seems to be a blind spot for a lot of married women out there — that somehow sex isn’t that important once you get married. That somehow it’s just a “thing that guys like.” Or, “I’m too tired/too bored/too pissed off” to have sex. Some just don’t seem to get that a marital relationship is still a romantic, living thing that must be nurtured like any other relationship, and that sex is a healthy, normal part of the nurturing process — that it’s far more an emotional than physical experience for men (despite the clichés to the contrary).

Why is sex the glue in a relationship? Not because the only thing men care about is sex, but because it’s how, even with the kids and the jobs and all the other crap that goes on during day to day life, a husband and wife can unite and rejoin, keeping alive the sense of oneness that existed when they were newly in love.

breakups_pictureAround 15% of married couples in the United States live in what is what is defined as a “sexless marriage”, which is sexual intercourse occurring 10 times or less each year. While some accept their fate and do nothing about it for myriad reasons, there is no doubt that the lack of sex can create tension and resentment within a marriage and can threaten its very existence. Usually, only one of the couple loses his or her sex drive. The other still craves sex and feels deprived. When this happens, the chances of divorce in the near or far future may increase dramatically.

Millions of people with low desire are simply not concerned about or troubled by their lack of interest in marital sexual intimacy. Nor are they particularly motivated to do much about it. Just ask their spouses!

Being complacent about ho-hum or non-existent sex is a formula for marital disaster. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned or uncaring, and has no interest, sex isn’t the only casualty; intimacy on every level becomes non-existent. Spouses stop touching affectionately, having meaningful talks, laughing at each other’s jokes, or connecting emotionally. They become like two ships passing in the night. Infidelity and/or divorce become all too real threats.

So what happened to the sex after we got married? It’s like that old joke —

Q: How do you cure a nymphomaniac? A: Marry her!!

We laugh because it’s funny, but we also laugh because it’s true. It’s a story I’ve heard from friends in real life and read about on line over and over again. In the beginning, your wife was charming and quite appealing. You had no problems with intimacy. Your wife couldn’t keep her hands off of you. You felt desired, cherished and loved. Before long, the atmosphere changed. Your wife became less and less interested in sex. Your wife is still charming and appealing and your level of desire hasn’t changed but that person who once seemed so giving sexually has now become rather stingy with her affections. You find yourself wondering, “what happened???”

It leaves many men feeling bewildered, alone, unloved, unwanted…and vulnerable.

Sex is a bonding, emotional experience for men too. For most men, sex is a way of connecting to your wife emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. The sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. This is an important point, ladies — Men, more than women, are prone to view their self-esteem through their sexuality. So if sex isn’t happening, self-esteem in most men plummets…and they then become vulnerable to someone else…someone who boosts their self-esteem by seeing them as vital, sexual, desirable beings.

Sex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy will eventually eventually sputter and die.

What does sexual rejection feel like for a man? Sexual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to “love, honor and cherish” you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. You may internalize her rejection and blame yourself by thinking you are not attractive enough; sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. Her actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. You become vulnerable to someone else — someone who makes you feel the opposite of your wife – loved, wanted, desired, desirable…a man.

This is such a simple concept. So why don’t a lot of married people get it? And why are they so surprised that, when they no longer show much interest in sex, that their partners get discouraged and leave them? Or have an affair? Or both? This is a surprise?? Not when you consider how important sex is as the glue to a partnership. That to men it’s far more than just “sticking it in a warm place because it feels good” 3 times a week.

At the risk of generalities, I know I can say this. If you exhibit any of the following feelings or actions, your marriage may be in serious trouble:

If you see sex as something to be avoided

If you see sex as something that you don’t desire but your partner does

If you see sex as something you do like a chore — something to be checked off, where you basically give minimum effort, and exhibit little to no satisfaction during the act.

If you use sex (and withholding it) as a method of punishment or control. Tying sexual activity to the extent to which your spouse does their chores at home, or as reward for something, is not romantic, very passive-aggressive, and will tend to irritate and discourage your spouse.

If you never initiate sex. If your spouse has to ask for/beg for and/or always initiate sex, it’s unlikely they will see you as someone who desires them. And if they feel undesired, unwanted, and not cherished, you could be headed for trouble. Is it so hard to flirt with your spouse and write them a naughty text about what you’d like to do to them tonight? To come at them at night a little aggressively and coquettishly? Is it that much of an imposition on your time and psyche? It works wonders for most men.

We all hear about husbands or wives who are workaholics, and inevitably the spouse is unhappy. And the workaholic spouse is now too tired for sex or uninterested in general. Their job becomes their spouse and their real spouse becomes a roommate, a second class citizen. How can someone work 70-80 hours a week and avoid sex with their spouse and assume that everything should be just fine? Marriage is not the end — “well, I have them now. I don’t have to work so hard on nurturing the relationship. Case closed” — it is just another stage in the growth in the relationship. Too much work and no time for sex will cause the couples downfall and the rotting of their marriage.

Marriages that value sexual intimacy will generally do better than those that do not: These couples make the time to be sexual, they talk to their partners about sex, they view expressing their love physically as exquisite. These couples know an important secret: that sex is a gift. It is healthy and natural and a vital part of the human experience. It is a unique way to express your love, unlike in any other relationship you’ve been in. In a committed relationship, it is a means of experiencing the closest emotional intimacy of our adult lives. There can be safety, love, and acceptance in this connection. The fun you share in sex (playing, learning about one another, sometimes making mistakes and laughing at ourselves) is bonding you together as well. Beyond expressing love for one another and having fun together, sex has a powerful positive impact on each partner.

Most men want to feel competent and capable. One way they feel this is in their ability to please their wives sexually. This is a powerful force for a husband and when he feels competent in his marriage, he tends to feel the same in other roles in his life. Also, for many married men, sex is much more than physically feeling good. It is emotional and spiritual. It is a way for a man to express his love for his wife. This connects to what his wife is longing for.

Most wives want to feel desired, cherished, and connected. When she is an interested and enthusiastic partner, her husband will desire and cherish her and do just about anything for her. And she will feel a profound connection to her husband. A sexually fulfilled woman will have less stress and more joy in her life. And these feelings will overflow into all areas of her life.

man-bored-in-bed1What was my situation? Different than most. I was not in a sexless marraige. Far from it. My wife and I had stubbornly regular, predictable sex for 20 years. 2-3 times per week on average. Similar in duration. Similar in approach. Predictable to the point of tears. She didn’t seem into it at all and her body betrayed her semi-interest, yet I think she did it because she thought I needed it, or that’s what you do in a marriage. We didn’t flirt in between. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t try anything new or different.

And I was bored out of my mind.

I masturbated frequently on the side in order to feel satisfied (although I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbation, even if you are sexually satisfied in your relationship. It’s normal. But I did it much more often then than I do now). I usually fantasized about others during sex just so I could climax and “get it over with.” It was never unpleasant, but it was mostly just plain vanilla and uninspiring. I often felt like I was on “auto-pilot” during it.

And of course, as a result, I felt unwanted, undesired, and undesirable. And I became vulnerable to women who DID find me openly desirable. It fed a long unmet need to even HEAR that I was a sexy, desirable man. Something I never heard from my wife.

Now? it’s much better. It took me a long time to realize that our sex life was so tied to the rest of our emotional connection. The happier she was, the more sexual she became. And the better the sex was. And we both started to talk about it more. She started taking the initiative. We watched some porn together at times. We tried it in different places. At different times of the day. Is it all fireworks, passion and shouting “oh God! Oh GOD!” every time? No. But even at it’s most routine, its far better than it was for the first 20 years ever.

This is not to say that sex in a marriage can’t be overstated as well – for some couples, low libido and low sexual activity is normal, mutual and accepted. And certainly in any long term relationship, it can be difficult if not impossible to maintain the type of raw intensity and urgency of what sex was like during the early part of a relationship. And age will certainly begin to take its toll on sexual desire and activity.

The point frequently is that mismatched sexual needs within a normal range (eg, one partner wants regular, satisfying sex, and the other one barely wants any or none) can spell doom for a marital relationship. It can create the type of emotional void and chasm within which an affair becomes more likely. Or divorce. Or both.

For most couples, if sex is not seen as a priority, these marriages are usually, at minimum, highly unsatisfying, and at worse, are frequently doomed. If you have vastly mismatched sex drives or needs, I would tell ANYONE — for God’s sake, do NOT get married. It won’t work!!

But for the rest of us, if sex is not a priority — not the glue — don’t be surprised that the marriage falls apart. It’s human nature to get critical needs met and this, especially for men, seems to be a big one.

PLEASE NOTE: I am writing from the MALE perspective – the frustrated married male perspective, only. I know there are women out there who are frustrated by the lack of desire by their husbands. But I can’t write from their perspective. Maybe what I’ve written below may also strike a chord with the, but I can only write from a perspective that I understand — the “deprived married male” perspective. So allow me that point before jumping on me. I’m not anti-female, nor am I blaming females for affairs and divorce. Far from it. I love women! Most of my friends are women. Certainly the health of the overall marriage is frequently tied to the sexual feelings within the female and there is certainly blame to be given to the male and what he is not doing to nurture his relationship. But that’s an article for someone else to write. what I wrote here was just one side of the marital story. 🙂

YOU may not be blaming women, but it sounds as if the article is (or if not women per se, then the low-libido spouse). Don't be surprised if s/he gets it elsewhere? Imagine if that sort of advice was given on SI. In fact, Dr. Laura gives that advice and she's not very well-received around here.

I found a few parts where exactly how I felt about all of this because I tried explaining that in the end the only time I felt any connection was during sex..because all the rest felt so dead I was already wanting to D

I can relate to some parts of it myself (I have become the low-libido spouse in my marriage since my MS diagnosis). I absolutely can see how my marriage is made more difficult in some ways because of the infrequency in which we have sex. I just know from many years on SI that this is the kind of blameshifting that gets people's hackles up (again, the article's, not yours).

Sorry to hear about the MS, i wasn't trying to put a blame on those who have a medical issue..I just felt that it was an interesting read because of not only my wife's excuses for not wanting sex but have seen others who were in my same position. I can see that in your position this would come off as a blame shift. I do apologize if it felt like I was giving WW a shift for their actions. This wasn't my intention

I can speak to this from the female perspective of being in a sexless marriage. The lack of intimacy and bonding that results in a sexless marriage was the death knell for my marriage...and damn near so for my own self-esteem. The affairs were completely secondary. And when you have a sexless partner that is also engaged in affairs my only suggestion is - GET OUT. There is a duplicity and entitlement there that supersedes any of the infidelity or desire issues.

Not to take away from any impact that living in a sexless marriage has on the higher libido male partner (and all of these things in the article are equally true for me as the higher libido female partner), women have another even just as difficult component in such a situation: We live in a society that historically depicts men has being the higher-drive partner (which brings on another host of stereotypes of men that have their own negative impacts - another post, another time). I learned early on that sharing my situation with girlfriends often ended up with such comments as "Omg...you are so lucky!" and "Omg...I wish my husband was like that!" Upon sharing with one girlfriend/couple that it had been 10 months since our last encounter, she later reported that her husband walked around the house for the next two weeks, randomly muttering to himself, "10 months..." and shaking his head. It's funny. Strangely validating. And incredibly sad.

With my two marriages I have been on both sides of this equation and I can tell you that one position is INFINITELY worse than the other. The sex was the last thing to go in my first marriage. It was the first thing to go in my last marriage. ANY time I see withholding of sex used punitively I shutter. I'm not sure if there is a crueler act - not even infidelity. Love and intimacy should never be the weapon. And that is the piece I think is most important to identify...is this withholding punitive? And if a spouse is aware and is not actively and independently seeking help for a solution after a period of time then my response to that question is - Yes. Yes..it is. And I believe THAT is what takes this issue to a level beyond frustration and into the realm of hurt. And its in that realm where all the real damage is done - both to the marriage and to the punished partner.

I think it depends on whether the spouse is a cheater. Many of us had regular sex with our spouses and they cheated anyway. They broke the bonds of our marriage using sex with others as a weapon against us. Some of us even got stds and many of us feel sexually traumatized as a result.

So I think there are a myriad of things that hold a marriage together. Sex can enhance closeness and trust esp when you are with a safe partner and with someone who hasnt cheated on you.

You hit the nail on the head..I had a big sex drive for my wife and she was just not I trested no matter what I did to entice her. So I would get sex once a moths and the rest of the time punished by withholding..sex for her hadbecome a chore. She even said she would give sex after long periods becaus she felt bad and felt she had to because I was her husband. Even during the affair it continued but got even worse..like have sex with a dead fish..but for her AP she was amp'ed up 24/7 with talkin with him and when they met during the 2 hotel sex fest 5 hrs one time and almost 8 the next..I've never gotten that in 14 yrs but he got it after knowing her 2 1/2 days and for 17 months...if it wasn't for at least once a month I would have been gone along time ago...ten month??? Dear lord...I could never go that long..love or no love..couldn't do it..

I just thought there were some interesting points made in the article..not all of it really spoke to me but understand a good bit of it like I said.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 3:11 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

First off i will say that infidelity is not the answer. Plain and simple.

Having said that i completely agree that either a lack of sex or having two people with highly different sexual needs Is going to be a huge problem in most marriages/couplings...

As a man living in a largely sexless marriage i agree almost to a T with most of what was said. I never cheated or gave that any thought, but i had horrible self esteem, felt like i was completely unattractive, and basically gave up after yrs of being continuously rejected sexually..

I would suspect actually that the opposite can be true for high drive women in sexless marriages as well...

One thing i learned and decided after my divorce and when i started dating again was that i would have a relationship with someone who i was attracted to, she was attracted to me sexually and we meshed well on our sex drives.

I have been lucky to find that. Now granted, seeing what we will be like in 3-5 more yrs will say alot more about that continued drive...

But we discuss it alot, we both agree that its a very important if not most important part of our relationship and we both work on being intimate with each other. It makes it alot easier when we are both aware of it and talk about it.

If there is one thing that stuck with me some moving out of infidelity and moving on from my previous marriage its dealing with my self confidence sexually...that can be a battle for me still at times.

My GF knows what i went through and is understanding of this.

TH- I can very much relate to this article.

Thank you for sharing this. As a man it is really hard to put into words about how much of our identity and confidence in our ourselves is tied to our sexuality. Heck our identities even.

I don't feel close to my wife unless there is a physical aspect. I can "fake" it, but it usually makes me feel horrible afterwards. Made even worse by being a BH. (Haven't I endured and sacrificed enough for this M ?)

I have been guilty of acting the part because I knew it would lead to what I wanted. Even thought I hated myself for it afterwards.

The repeated rejection and the fact that my W never initiated anything hurt me in ways that are still painful. It really made me hate myself on some levels. On others it led me to assume that my W did not love me or find me attractive. Why would she want to have sex with me ? I was . . . Women do not have a monopoly on body issues.

Men in this situation tend to blame themselves and have very few people who we can talk about this stuff. Clearly the person we are closest to is also the reason and holds the key to soling the problem. However when it is dismissed as men are dogs or you only want me for one thing it is easier to keep the peace while retreating into ourselves. We build walls to protect ourselves, but at the same time it robs us of a connection that we yearn for and need. At some point going without becomes preferable to facing the rejection another time.

A lot is said blithely about "fragile male egos." I just wish those who say those things would take a moment and try to empathize more. I wish people understood just how devastating the impacts of rejection and lack of enthusiasm can be to any spouse.

Just to be clear I am not saying being in a sexless M is "justification" for an A. I do believe it would be "justification" for a D thought.

Important topic TH. Very important topic that doesn't get discussed very often. Thank you for sharing.

It's a great article, Texashunter. It makes the points that you've probably been trying to already make - and does so with a third party.

But it's also not rocket science. I'm a firm believer that most withholding partners know the effect it is having on their spouse. The point is - do they care enough to do something about it? And so often the answer that we get to that question is not just no - but rather a resounding NO. We get crumbs...and that's usually only just enough to keep us from starving to death.

Every marriage can go through spells. And there are outside influences such as health that can affect our libido. Those things happen...and even a higher drive spouse should allow space for that. But so often - and especially by the time we find ourselves places such as this...an infidelity website discussing our sex lives - the issue has moved from the frequency itself. It is now about the lack of not just effort on the part of the low libido partner but also the lack of regard for how that is affecting us as the rejected spouse. A simpler and more direct way to say that is - they just don't care. And that is the issue.

You can recognize this place by your attitude toward discussing the matter with your spouse. You either feel that they don't want to hear about this (again!)...or the real danger - when you no longer see any point in even trying to discuss it. When my effort changed from communication to trying to no longer care about the sex, my marriage was over. Our relationship as FWB (for that occasional time) ended when I finally realized I had rather BE alone than to just FEEL alone (and have to continually fight that sense of rejection).

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 3:42 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

"Just to be clear I am not saying being in a sexless M is "justification" for an A. I do believe it would be "justification" for a D thought."

I agree with this 100%. I personally will not be in or stay in a relationship that is not mutually satisfactory sexually....Now that doesn't mean that if i don't get it all the time i would bail. But physical intimacy needs to be there...

When I read articles like this and see comments my mind goes too...what is HE doing to help her feel sexual?

even with the kids and the jobs and all the other crap that goes on during day to day life, a husband and wife can unite and rejoin, keeping alive the sense of oneness that existed when they were newly in love.

So is he helpful? Doing bath time? dishes? cooking meals? shuttling kids? doing laundry? helping with homework? Going to parent meetings? Taking off when children is sick? Taking the dog to the vet? Remember to get the gift for the class party? Grocery shopping? Prepare the holiday dinner? School shopping? Remembering to sign kids up for activities? Helping to do the required volunteer hours with those activities? Clearing monsters from under bed? Fixing breakfast in the morning? Packing kids lunches? Planning birthday parties?

You know all that "crap" called life? Are you being a fully present father and husband so that she has the ENERGY to have sex? Are you helping her to cultivate her self as a woman....or is she left to being the wife and the mother to deal with all "crap" off life.

Its such utter bullshit that woman dont think sex is important after marriage. Of course we do...but again we are left to deal with the "crap" of life.

If I am getting the kids up, off to school, letting the dog out, getting dressed for work, letting dog in, then going to work, working 8 hours, coming home...then homework, whatever activity the kids have, home to cook dinner, bath time routine, tidy up, pack lunches, etc to get ready to do it all again the next day...cuz you know its the "crap" called life.

Where is my partner? Where is the person to lighten my load? Where is the person who helped me create this life? What else are you doing to be connected to me? Did I get flowers today/ A text message that you were thinking about me? A call to say Dont cook dinner I'm grabbing pizza?

Articles and assumptions like this truly piss me off. As if most woman avoid sex to punish..no. We avoid sex because it another damn thing to do on the long list of things we have to do. We avoid sex because we don't feel connected. We avoid sex because if you can't connect with me any of the other MILLION times during the day I need support, comfort and love...why in the hell would I want to connect with you want to slide in my body?

We avoid sex because it another damn thing to do on the long list of things we have to do.

I totally get where you're coming from prissy4lyfe...but I am a woman and I respectfully disagree.

My first H. was THE worst at giving any help with household duties. Hell...I was happy when he could just keep a job. But I still had sex with him - and I still enjoyed it most times...because I knew it was fundamental *for both of us* to the relationship.

We women don't have sex because we are angry. We are resentful. We continue to do all those chore items to keep our lives running the way *we* want them to be, the way *we* think they should be...but we are angry that our partner doesn't align with our desires, we are angry that our partners let us continue to do the things as *we* think we should do...and then we use that resentment as our reasons to withhold sex. With enough time, we can even use their requests for sex as the very reason why we are not giving them sex. We resent they are even asking.

That's punitive. It's a high stakes game of chicken and ultimately whoever "loses" builds the biggest resentment.

Sex softens those hard edges. But it has to be seen as that. As a chance to come back to each other, connect outside of all those daily things...and in a way that you don't do in any other relationships in your life. It is a nurturing of the very bond itself.

Unless you instead choose to see it as a chore. And quite simply, it really gains that perspective specifically because it is something your spouse wants...and subsequently gives you an opportunity to withhold/punish.

That's how I see it anyway.

ETA: Sex makes you vulnerable. And vulnerability is really hard to embrace when you are angry (self-protective). But that's also why it is SO important - and especially when you are angry.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 4:26 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

I divorced my first husband due to a sexless marriage (twice a year in a good year, many years not at all). He was a 'control you by denying sex' narcissist. At the time I called it soul crushing. The constant rejection by someone who claimed to love me. And then I married a sex addict. We were intimate daily, often multiple times. I was so happy until I found out what else he was up to. I thought I knew what pain felt like but I had no idea. No idea at all.

[This message edited by redfury at 5:16 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

I'm not sure what the source of this article is. I hope it's a blog or forum post because it's full of generalities and not particularly well-written.

That said, I do agree that a lot of people get married and then drift apart and stop prioritizing sex. I remember some coworkers joking about how they couldn't stand their husbands trying to initiate sex. That seemed callous and odd to me.

But at the same time, I've lived with a loss of libido due to medical issues which I tried very hard to overcome. I weaned off my SSRI, I smelled my husband's armpits, I bought lingerie. I never gave up, but could I fake sexual desire? No. And he could sense that and took it personally and started initiating less. It was a vicious cycle.

I was talking with a friend about how when we first started going to church after a long break, I viewed it as something to check off the list, something you're supposed to do. I said, "It's like when your sex life gets off track, and instead of doing it out love and desire and enjoyment, you just do as infrequently as possible because you think you're supposed to." But when your relationship is healthy and joyful and you feel connected and get pleasure out of it, you do it more. Of course, if health problems are impacting you, then you have to make adjustments and make sure you are communicating well and modifying where possible.

So if sex isn’t happening, self-esteem in most men plummets…and they then become vulnerable to someone else…someone who boosts their self-esteem by seeing them as vital, sexual, desirable beings.

^^^ Perhaps, but heaven help the wayward spouse who pulls this out as a justification.

I disagree.

There are sex addicts who have sex...nothing involved.

Sex isn't a chore...it's a connection. And if a man has not bothered to connect with his wife during the day...then she should have sex with him for the good of the relationship?

Sorry...I also disagree that women expect things to go a certain way. We expect our partner to be a partner. Fact is life is going to continue whether we screw that night or not. But I'm more likely to want to connect at night because my partner shouldered the burden for OUR life.

Articles and assumptions like these continue to put the onus on one partner in the marriage to stay sexually engaged with the other in the (false) hope of creating a bond.

Sex is NOT intimacy or a bond. We are on site that proves that.

Intimacy (that is falsely labeled as sex) comes in communication and sharing.

There is nothing sexier to me than my husband doing the dishes...why I hate it. He knows it. He does it so I dont have have too. He thinks about my feelings so he takes that off my plate. He is THINKING of me. He is helping me so that tomorrow morning won't be a cluster fuck getting kids ready. So that makes me feel close to him.

Eta:

Sex doesn't make you vulnerable emotionally...plenty of people have no strings attached sex. Or sex when they don't want to.

Intimacy makes you vulnerable...sex is not intimacy.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 5:11 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

I am with Prissy4Life on this one.

The 'lack of sex' excuse was used by my WH to justify his affair. Yet for YEARS he had been out several times a week, not in bars but volunteering and helping all over town with different groups and the local council. Meanwhile, I was sorting the kids out, running the house, working and magically producing a dinner every night. Then when he came home it was apparently weird that I wasn't in the mood for sex.

(And yes, I did raise my concerns with the amount of time he was out, he cut it back but there were always different 'one off' events he had to go to still).

Anyhow, it gets to be like the chicken and egg argument really, doesn't it?

If you think in terms of 'love languages', then 'acts of service' were important to me, whereas 'physical affection' was top of his list. He also needs constant affirmation and admiration, which I didn't give him in terms of saying how great all his 'work' was (because it was no practical use to me).

Whatever - I think there's not usually one partner deliberately withholding sex to punish the other. I do think the other partner perhaps contributes to the situation by not meeting their partner's other needs. On top of this, I also think it's common, and perhaps even the norm, for women with young children to not feel like sex as often because they have so many demands on them that they are just plain tired, coupled with new insecurities brought on by their changing bodies. I know I wasn't doing it to punish anyone (incidentally, we didn't have a completely dead bedroom, it just wasn't as alive as he would have wanted).

I think what would have helped would have been some form of counselling or at least a proper conversation at that point. I can say with certainty that throwing infidelity into the mix has only made the whole issue of sex more complicated to deal with, rather than easier.

I know several women who have sex with their husbands when ever asked...and their relationship are awful.

Because the husband is under the impression the intimacy is sex.

The wife craves a bond.

Articles like this send the message to men that sex is intimacy as long as their is bond. While putting the responsibility on women to stay physically engaged while ignoring their own emotional & mental needs. As if sex fulfills those needs for her.

It also makes it seems as if sex is the beginning of the bond...when in most cases sex is the END result of a nurturing, caring healthy relationship between 2 adults who put their partner needs first.

This is an important conversation starter even if everything in the article isn't 100% on. I agree with prissy that for many partners who aren't "available", the problem is that they're so overloaded with life stuff that they have no time or energy to work up to it. If this is your spouse, showing that person that you're willing to put the time in YOURSELF is going to go a long way. Also make sure this spouse gets occasional alone time, too, to pursue something they like.

Secondly, a lot of people (dare I say, women?) are gonna need a stage set for them. Make a visible effort. Tell your spouse what you like about them and how they make you feel, don't just COMPLAIN that they aren't connecting with you. THAT'S what makes it a chore, when someone is nagging them to do it. Exhibit ENDLESS patience with making them feel like you care about THEIR outcome and not just yours. This may be really really hard for a man to even understand. I know for many of you, if everything is in place, orgasms are inevitable. Your wife might not work that way. Not trying to discourage anyone NOR AM I SAYING all men or all women are the same. But for a lot of women, what you say, do, how you move, how you breathe and everything that happened all day and everything you saw on TV is all getting dragged into bed with you. Lots of distractions. So make sure to minimize the ones you can control and set aside a lot of time.

And finally, remember all that stuff your spouse likes to do that you hate? Like watching their sucky movies or listening to their favourite songs? Gardening or organizing cupboards or petting dogs or shopping or whatever weird thing they're into? Suggest doing that stuff with them. A lot. If they see you trying to really have a good time doing their stuff, and you smile and you get them snacks and drinks and say "thank you" when you see them working for you and for the family, they're gonna wanna do something that makes YOU happy and Boom.

So don't give up trying to talk about this. And don't be afraid to explain how it really makes you feel. I've made that mistake. I've sat in my room crying and thinking "what's wrong with me, am I not good enough anymore?" instead of saying "I feel so cut off from you that I couldn't concentrate on anything all week and I'm afraid our marriage is in trouble and might be ending." I didn't want to seem dramatic or vulnerable. But if you can't be dramatic and vulnerable to your spouse who can you be yourself with? Life's too short to suffer in silence, and now I'd much rather be happy than look cool. It took me way too long to figure this out.