SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have seen a few posts from people who have been in what they thought was good, solid R... only for their spouse to have another A, many years later in some cases.

This is my worst nightmare, investing more years of my life into a marriage that I think is worth it only to find out it’s all been for nothing. Discovery of another A after everything we go through in order to R is nothing short of unspeakable and puts me off wanting to R at all.

So I am just wondering, if you fall into this category, how many years after ‘successful’ R did you find yourselves back to square one?

It was 5 years after discovery that I was informed (by OW) of a 2 year A. 2012 I found out my WH had been cheating (Ons and many inappropriate conversations with women). For a year it was hell. I honestly took his regret for remorsefulness. I Actually trusted him 100% again because I just knew in my heart there was no way he would hurt me again after seeing the pain it caused. Where we went wrong was we never seeked help. Never read a book, never figured out why. We went through a year of rough pain and healing but apparently he didn’t fix the things the needed fixed. I was ignorant to the fact there was an “issue” and simply chalked it up to a mistake and a man seeking attention. Jan 2017 I was informed he had been sleeping with a woman for 2 years. Since Jan I have figured out there have been a total of 6 women and many inappropriate “friends”/conversation. I can tell you now if it’s his first time and he doesn’t do the deep digging 100000% work he will do it again.. it’s a matter of time. Takenit from me, either walk away now, or make sure he is doing every single thing to ensure that he is working toward making himself a safe partner. It very seldom is a “mistake” or an out of character move.. but this is just my personal experience/feeling.

My WW's first affair was in 1988. She had to confess because she was pregnant with his child, that was dday #1. After a lot of anguish, 2 separations and MC we ended up back together toward the end of 1989. Somewhere during the time between dday #1 and when we got back together she had a second affair with the same OM.

Fast forward to January 2013, dday #2. At that time I found out about the second affair from 1989, that she had seen the OM around 1994 and again in 1998, that she began an EA with her high school BF in 2006 and that she had started another PA with the same old OM in 2011. She was still in the EA and the PA on dday #2.

I guess to some degree, I thought we had gone through "successful" recovery in 1989. Apparently I was about as wrong as you could be. At this point, for us, I don't believe it's even possible. If I would have not been ignorant back then I would have figured this was the likely outcome and divorced her on the spot. BTW, she was a married, serial cheater when we met.

I've been through this, but previously we never really healed, just rugswept everything.

I think there is far less chance of re-occurrence when the WS goes all-in on their own to heal and repair their M.

If you have to drag your WS into R then the risk will be much higher.

MissMolly, betraying is addictive behavior (at least for the vast majority of betrayers). It is similar to being an alcoholic. Ask a recovering alcoholic years after going 'dry' and they will tell you they are an alcoholic. However, betrayers minimize their "ways" such as "I made a mistake", "I loosened my boundaries", "I wasn't feeling loved"... and never understand the addictiveness. As a result, many re-offend. And if they don't, the propensity is always there. This is why many people who would be pretty much justified to betray never do and others with no reason to do so, do betray. They have the betraying gene in their DNA.

Personally, I feel that betrayers should attend a 12-step type of program for addicts to better understand addiction and how to take necessary steps to stop doing to.

I was in R for 6 years before his 2nd affair (that I know of).

My biggest regret in life is not leaving after the 1st affair.

In my opinion less than 5% of the waywards undergo the complete deconstruction and reconstruction necessary to earn the title “former.” The others are immorality time bombs waiting for the right conditions to re-light the fuse.

Although I still think reconciliation for the sake of children may be worthwhile even when the wayward remains broken. It’s not the kid’s fault mom/dad is a dirtbag.

The recidivism rate for wayward partners, like all infidelity statistics is difficult to track. But unlike the others, if you looks a recidivism as a whole, including criminal behavior, you find that it's around 67%.

2 out of 3, in other words. (Recidivism statistics taken from multiple online sources, as criminal behavior is widely studied.)

The difficulty for me in chewing on these statistics is the piece where one is defined permanently for their behavior. my wife cheated on me. Does this mean she will continue to? What does it make her if she saw the pain I was in the first go around and was willing to do it again? Am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to risk it because I'm strong or because I'm weak?

Those are some very very hard questions I had to ask myself. The answers I cam up with for myself might not fit your situation. For me, for the sake of my kids, I found myself willing to risk more pain by offering R... but I cant say that I jumped right back in, as I required a postnup before even offering. While some, even some here, said 'if you feel you keed a postnup, should you really be married?'...

and my answer to that was twofold. First, hell no, I SHOULDN'T be married. Not after she cheated. But if I am gonna risk it so I can see my kids everyday, then I better damn well have some effin insurance.

Secondly... in my mind, snuggled between farts jokes, is the thought that if my wife could see the pain she caused me and still do it again.... then she was a monster. Like villain in a movie monster. I needed to know. I needed to know because, if she was, then that would mean I would need to risk life and limb to get the kids as far away from her as possible.

Maybe that's me being dramatic. Idk. I just don't think that someone who can stab someone they're supposed to love once... see them bleed out.... and then do it again should have anything to do with raising kids. Maybe I'm wrong for that. I'm not expert or morals or ethics.

Thanks for all the responses.

My H is doing everything he should be doing, but ‘the work’ is not something that is ever visibly completed- there is no certificate to say you have successfully passed the course.

So how do you know when you/they are safe? Or are they ever? Is anybody ever?

These stories terrify me.

There are no guarantees for any of us. And I’m struggling with that.

For me, it's not a matter of trying to figure out if my partner has done the work.

It's a matter of learning to trust myself and healing myself to know what to do should I be in the same situation again. And evaluating for myself if the risk is worth staying in the marriage.

My husband relapsed literally (he's an SA) probably 2-3 years ago? I discovered by accident in March of this year.

My gut was telling me something was up..but it was also easy (for me) to confuse issues. I was just coming out of extreme sleep deprivation from having a child that thought sleep was not necessary (I went 13 months sleeping 3-5 hours in a 24-30 hour period).

I was content to wait it out..to wait for the truth to present itself. I've always, always warned my husband that I'll find out..eventually. Just a matter of time. Having faith that I'll find out about his relapses is enough for me. I don't need to know the minute they happen.

Since March of this year, I've had 5 really, really bad days. That's it. I'm surprised. I feel like I should have had more. But...doing my work really prevented that. I trust myself.

I made good boundaries that work for me. Unfortunately, I cannot follow up on them right now (an unexpected pregnancy has thwarted divorce plans for the next 5 years). But, it's on the table, eventually, depending on how things go.

I know you are struggling with the fact that are no guarantees with any of us. And you are right. The only one you have a guarantee with is yourself. But, it's going to be like that with any relationship. We just don't like to feel like that..Right...the message is "Happily ever after." which is never reflective of reality which is "Happily for today. Maybe not tomorrow. Just for today."

Firstly, this terrifies me, too. Every WS should be shaking in their boots at the possibility of becoming a repeat offender.

I don't know how I'd live with myself if that happened.

But more importantly, I think you have the answer here:

‘the work’ is not something that is ever visibly completed- there is no certificate to say you have successfully passed the course.

The reason for this is because the work is never completed. If he stops doing the work and slides back into his comfort zone, then you may have cause to worry. So long as he's investing in his issues, being open and transparent, and working on himself, you have a better chance.

So how do you know when you/they are safe? Or are they ever? Is anybody ever?

I've been wrestling with this question for months, and my stance is likely unpopular. Honestly, I think the answer is "no". No one is ever "safe" - or, more accurately: everyone is until they aren't. Everyone is faithful until they cheat - as a result, I don't believe looking for cheating is the right approach. The issue is wayward behavior. If your partner displays it, regardless of if they have strayed or not, they are not a safe partner. They don't have your back and are only thinking of themselves. Be on the lookout for that.

I was in R for 3 years. (Thought I was in R for for 3 years, that is. False R is a thing, I now know.) I truly loved my husband more than I ever had in our relationship, and I happened to stumble upon texts between him and an OW that 1. He had not disclosed to m e on day and 2. He had been in contact with and was making plans to meet up with to reignite their relationship. I just happened to catch it before he got a chance to do it. Of course, he denied it until I provided him recordings of himself. Then, it all came out.

Something broke in me that day. I will never love him again. If he had been honest with me about all of his indiscretions on dday1, things might be different. I feel like he is my companionable roommate. That's all. It didn't have to be this way, but he fucked it up when he decided to cover his ass, and fall back into the A.

[This message edited by mharris at 4:13 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

Secondly... in my mind, snuggled between farts jokes, is the thought that if my wife could see the pain she caused me and still do it again.... then she was a monster. Like villain in a movie monster. I needed to know. I needed to know because, if she was, then that would mean I would need to risk life and limb to get the kids as far away from her as possible.

Maybe that's me being dramatic. Idk. I just don't think that someone who can stab someone they're supposed to love once... see them bleed out.... and then do it again should have anything to do with raising kids. Maybe I'm wrong for that. I'm not expert or morals or ethics.

Yeah, man. That. If he can do it again, I know all I need to know about him as a person. I can walk with zero doubts or regrets. Such a person would not be worth another thought.

I am currently struggling with these thoughts as well.

My husband cheated, we are in therapy. I just can't seem to stop focusing on the "what if he's doing this again?" "what if we move on with our lives and he cheats again?" thoughts. It's driving me crazy.

I thinkhe is sorry for what he did but I also thought he was faithful.

He cheated on me with a ONS 3 months after we got married. Oh, I made so many excuses for him and we (I) rugswept the whole thing. I felt so much better when we moved out of that city a few months later. I felt it was a new start. I was young, stupid, and fairly economically dependent. I had no family to fall back on. I was also such an optimist!

Fast forward to year 9 and he got into a R with a stripper 1/2 his age. I found out after it has been going on for 9-12 months. I don't know for sure.

I wish I had divorced him after the first cheating and lived in a homeless shelter until I could get on my feet! Because of the timing of it all, I never got to have children.

Hell, I wish I had never met him!!

[This message edited by Snapdragon at 9:25 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

Well, I feel H and I DID totally tear down and reconstruct our M.

We have a good M.

But it is still far from a perfect M because neither of us is perfect.

I may be a rare voice here (and it was an EA, not a PA, so that might factor heavily into it,) but if it ends because of another A, or even a lie about ANYTHING (because that's my boundary now, it was the lies that killed me), I don't think I'd regret the R. Because we've had seven strong years now. Not easy, but strong. Of course maybe if there was another A I'd feel like the last seven years were a lie, and be devastated all over again.

But, here, now, I don't think so. I'd D but it would not be the trauma it would have been ten years ago, because as second time suggested, the real work is with yourself, and I've done that now.

I DO know I would not marry again. Date, maybe. But I'd be happy alone. I am glad to know that about myself.

I guess something that keeps me feeling level about it is the fact that I discovered that I CAN and WILL walk away if anything else, no matter how slight, happens.

I won't even bother flipping the bird behind me.

That is a good thing to know about oneself.

I guess something that keeps me feeling level about it is the fact that I discovered that I CAN and WILL walk away if anything else, no matter how slight, happens.

I won't even bother flipping the bird behind me.

That is a good thing to know about oneself.

I guess something that keeps me feeling level about it is the fact that I discovered that I CAN and WILL walk away if anything else, no matter how slight, happens.

I won't even bother flipping the bird behind me.

That is a good thing to know about oneself.

My husband's second affair occurred about 8 years after the first. He was military and in both cases he was away from home.

I will explain the differences between how we handled the first affair and the second because I'm assuming you want some reassurance that everything has been done that can be done to prevent a recurrence.

After the first affair, I accepted the blame. He did very little work on himself. Yes, he appeared genuinely sorry and I mistook that for remorse. In hindsight, I believe now that he was regretful rather than remorseful. Because I accepted the blame and internalized his reasons, I worked on myself. Society often blames the BS for not being good enough in some way and I bought into that. I tried to become all the things I thought a wife should be because, after all, if I was a better wife he wouldn't need to cheat. So, while I was addressing all of his complaints, he was essentially getting away with it. Sure, I was devastated and he felt bad about that but he also reaped huge rewards for his behavior with no real consequences. Unfortunately, the first affair was in 2002 and I hadn't found SI yet.

By the time I did find this site I figured out I had actually done only one thing right. In the beginning, when he was back and forth on the fence, I pushed him off the fence. I told him I was moving on as if he wasn't coming home because it wasn't fair to me be in limbo while he screwed around in another country trying to decide if the single life or some floozy with low standards was what he wanted. Other than that, nothing else was done and by 2005, when I found this place, we were so far along and, I believed, fully healed and reconciled. I never went back and requested any of the work. So, he never tried to figure out why his response to his "complaints" about me was to cheat. He never looked at the factors that helped him get to the moment where it was okay in his mind. He never looked at what boundaries he crossed that led up to cheating. He never asked himself why lying and conflict avoidance was easier than facing and working through a problem.

After the second affair, I wasn't having any of what happened the first time. I accepted not one iota of blame. I would say I made him do his work but I didn't make him do anything. I gave him a choice: Do the work or lose the marriage. I was fully prepared to walk away and he knew it. I didn't fall apart this time. I wasn't even shocked this time. After all, it wasn't like the first time when I thought my husband wasn't capable of betraying me.

If you are worried about a recurrence this is my advice:

1. Make sure your WS does the work and doesn't just give lip service to doing the work. Actions should match words. Good boundaries should be there whether you are there or not. Transparency should be volunteered, not forced. Responses to stress should be healthy discussion, not conflict avoidance and lying. Remind your spouse that he has a choice: He can do what you need to feel safe remaining married to him or he can not be married to you. Then let him make his choice. His actions will back up his words if he wants the marriage.

2. You worrying about your spouse cheating won't stop your spouse from cheating. Worry will, however, cause you health issues. Don't waste your time and energy on worry. Worry when you know you have a reason to worry. If everything has been done that should be done to prevent a recurrence, at some point, you have to let go of trying to control it.

3. Past behavior of your spouse is a pretty strong indicator of whether he or she is reconciliation material (in my opinion). Has he consistently taken responsibility for his actions in other areas of his life? When he screws up at work does he own it or is it someone else's fault or does someone always have it in for him? Does he have a history of his family making excuses for him? Does he have a history of allowing people he cares about to make excuses for their bad behavior? The reason you want to examine this is because if your spouse already has a history of making excuses instead of taking responsibility and doing the work to fix his issues, it's unlikely that he will take the initiative now. Someone who always has a bunch of excuses is very good at continuing to find excuses and not so good at holding himself accountable. But if he's always taken responsibility without excuses in other areas, this one is not likely to be any different once he sees the importance of it.

As far as square one goes- I was never back at square one. Thanks to all my reading here, I was way ahead of the game after the second affair. The advantage you have is that you have this resource now at the beginning of your reconciliation. That's not a guarantee but there are no guarantees with relationships no matter who they are with. You can take a chance on this one or take a chance on a new one down the road. That's up to you.