SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rocket, I'm very sorry that you've had a bad experience.

Please understand that there is a fair amount of "bashing" going on among BS's here too.

Just go read JFO.

I learned that the subject of infidelity is an explosive and divisive subject.

Very few matters in the subject of infidelity is 100% right or wrong. There is A LOT of grey area.

I also know that people have very strong and opposing opinions on what is right and wrong.

Even as a BS, I know that every time I start a thread on a problem or issue I'm soliciting the opinions of the entire forum.

So out of the entire forum, some people will think what I did is right , some will think what I did is not so right while others may think what I did is wrong.

I expect that .

I learned to "take what I need and leave the rest".

I have a thread on the subject.

"How long it take U 2 learn " take what U need & leave rest?" "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=615998

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 4:43 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Skins - I absolutely did apologize to him. He called me a few days after his d-day and we talked for a while. Since then he’s asked if he can chat with me a few more times. It’s been mostly civil and at this point he has said he forgives us both. I know this is unusual and I frankly don’t understand it myself. But I do know I’m not the person you think I am.

I’m confused as to the purpose of this post. Rocket, at first you seemed to be asking why other WS are so hard on others. I guess that is a legitimate question, although one not applicable to the BS here.

But then it seemed to vear into why a BS should not insist that their WS harbor negative feelings for their AP, and the BS should somehow offer some kind of forgiveness to the AP. I think you have misjudged your audience. In your case you have all seemed to come to a kumbaya understanding, but for many of us the premise is insulting.

My EX’s AP systematically set out to on a scorched earth path with her, what he did with her sexually made it impossible for me to ever look at her the same way again. She knows this now. She also has lost everything that was important to her. Does she hate him? Hell yes. I feel the same.

My story however isn’t others. Too often we project here what we did to make it what others should do. That is dangerous and not good advice

waitedwaytoolong - I never said the BS shouldn't harbor bad feelings towards the AP. I was just saying that I don't wish my AP any ill will - and well, that set up a bunch of comments about how I should. So, I agree the post took a turn.

And I've apologized for posting here in General when I should have posted in waywards. I've also apologized for insulting any BS. I'm sorry if my post was offensive to you and that I did not post in the correct forum.

Skins - I know you despise me. But let me just tell you that I did cut off all ties with my AP a few weeks before I told my wife. And we both respected the NC. I just found that wasn't enough. I had to tell my wife because it was eating at me and I felt we would be in big trouble if I didn't come clean. So even though you think I'm self absorbed, you don't know my story. I haven't had any contact with AP since weeks before D-Day. And Like I said before, I also apologized to her husband. I do care about them and their marriage and I do care about my role in almost destroying it. I guess I came across badly in my first few posts. But I'm really not trying to rug sweep anything. I'm trying to heal and deal with the fact that I was a total jerk to my wife. Even if she forgives me.

I don't think all ap's are the square root of all evil. There is a lot of name calling by bs's you see here. And alot of that is part of healing. The pain has to come out. Taking it out here beats the hell out of bottling it up or just getting past it. Bottling it up results in either explosion or rotten insides.

And I'm sure you have met old farts with rotten insides who are described very well by the word bitter.

Getting it out here... thats a good thing. Why? Because people are human. My wayward wife could only take so much of the venom before she broke and gave up. If your spouse knows you, she knows how much you can take before you crack... and vents the excess pain elsewhere.

So, I have two good things and one mild 2x4 for you.

First, you're here. You're actively posting and working with your wife and in counseling... thats fucking awesome. Thats says a lot. Keep it up.

Second, you've shown initiative. Don't lose that. Initiative to help with healing or to set yourself right goes a long way.

Mild 2x4, I think you should take another look at the timeline for healing. Maybe watch for members who's dday coincides with your wife's. See where they are at in the healing process.

In the healing process there are many ups and downs. On an up day, no I don't want to talk about it. I want to get past it. Nobody wants to hurt. On an up day, I don't wanna be reminded of it.

But on a down day.... oh man.

So watch for that. Maybe your wife has up weeks and down weeks now. Maybe even better than that. Ask her. Adjust accordingly. This is a 3-5 year healing cycle. One year is just the beginning. Maybe you're already prepped for that. Idk.

I'm rooting for you and your wife to pull through this and come out the other side like a fucking space rainbow.

Good luck!

Owningitnow, Dorothy and Notthevictim,

Thanks for the supportive words. Staying in IC and MC for a while and always checking in with my wife. Sometimes, to her annoyance. So, I need to be careful there. I get that 1 year is soon-ish for some and we may find that we hit a setback. But that's why we will continue our counseling so we can stay on track.

Again, thanks for the words of support. It's much appreciated.

Rocket,

I don’t hate my AP either. Why the hell would I hate someone who did only what I gave him permission to do—and I was worse, even, because I was the married one.

I don’t think the BSs should have to defend who they do or don’t hate though. JMO.

Darkness Falls, Agreed about the Betrayed Spouses. They shouldn't have to defend anything. I definitely should have worded my original post better. Lesson learned.

Rocket ,trust me, it's not just you being "bashed".

I've seen plenty of newcomers in JFO leave SI after 1 to 10 post.

Sad but true.

We all need to cultivate a relatively thick skin while posting in an infidelity forum.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:28 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Dorothy123 - I know it's not just me but it really surprises me that a BS would get bashed. Especially in just found out. WS aren't allowed to post there, right? So are other BS bashing them? Why would that happen? That's worse any day of the week than

what I posted.

[This message edited by Rocket80 at 5:34 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Rocket, like I said different people having strong and opposing opinions.

When anyone (regardless of what area of this forum ) starts a thread, they are soliciting opinions from the entire forum.

No, WS's and MH's are not allowed to post in JFO.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 5:39 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

AP's SEEM to be bashed more, especially in JFO because so many BS's are so wounded, so traumatized that they just can't believe what happened. They want it all to go away and for many who thought everything was "fine" , to go back to the marriage and life they thought they had. They often do not fully realize who their WS is, so sometimes it seems they are bashing the AP more.

For many a BS, they are not just dealing with the knowledge of the A, but the aftereffects of lying, gaslighting, blameshifting, minimalizing, etc and that the A just went underground.

I do know that not all A's are created equal. Some are LTA's that can rip the heart out of a BS.

For me, I do not have any respect for any AP who KNEW that they were with a married person. KNEW it from the beginning. I do know that there are some AP's who did not even know that they were an AP and thought they were dating a single person and stopped it once they found out. I do not blame those people at all. They are victims too.

I am glad that you are working toward R and in IC. I wish you well.

I know it's not just me but it really surprises me that a BS would get bashed. Especially in just found out. WS aren't allowed to post there, right? So are other BS bashing them? Why would that happen? That's worse any day of the week than

what I posted.

Yeah, getting bashed in JFO sucks. I had it happen to me by a couple of different folks who had been here several years. Why would they do it? Because they think they are helping, but what they are really doing is projecting the pain they currently feel on folks who are brand new to it all. I'm sure it isn't because they are seeking to destroy, that is just the way it comes out.

You know what all the Betrayed Spouses have in common? They were cheated on. Some of them are angels on earth, worthy of sainthood. Some of them are puppy licking assholes that should NEVER be in another relationship. Most are somewhere in between. Often the puppy kicking assholes are the loudest voices. They’ve been betrayed, and that is absolutely wrong, but that does mean they were ever good or decent people, and this place gives them a new venue to be poisonous. And it isn’t helpful to anyone’s healing, but they were betrayed so they’re welcome.

All the Waywards have one thing common too. We cheated. And it’s shitty, wrong, destructive. Period. Some of us have been good people before, and can be good people again or even better. Some of us are puppy kicking assholes too! Most are in between. But the funny thing about the waywards? We are on THIS website because something (even if it’s a saintly BS) is driving us to do better.

That’s a very long way to say “keep the good, Todd the bad”. I’m not good at it, but I’m working on it.

Poppy, that's a huge generalization. Not all waywards are here because they want to do better.

Some are here to placate their BS.

Some are here to cry about their AP.

Some are here pretending to be reconciling, meanwhile they've taken their affair underground.

Some are here to learn how to pull the wool over their betrayed spouse's eyes. How to seem remorseful. How to stay two steps ahead of their BS, so they can get the outcome they're after.

Some are here pretending to be a BS while advising their BS to forgive their WS.

Some are here to watch their betrayed spouse's posts, so they can share them with their AP, and laugh at the betrayed spouse's pain.

Some are here to learn how to have better coping mechanisms.

Some are here to figure out why they did something so horribly selfish.

Some are here because they love their BS, and want to become a safe partner for them.

But..no. Not all waywards are here because they want to be better people.

OP...I think it sounds as if you're taking the venting that happens here when it comes to an AP, personally. And you have a need to be seen as a good person. Regardless, I'm glad you and your wife are reconciling.

but Poppy...

Some of them are puppy licking assholes that should NEVER be in another relationship.

That’s a very long way to say “keep the good, Todd the bad”. I’m not good at it, but I’m working on it.

What if this "Todd" guy is one of those notorious "puppy LICKING assholes" you so ambigously referred to earlier??

What THEN??

At least if he's not a Poppy kicking or licking or liking asshole, then we can deal with him and label him accordingly...

but those puppy licking one's are the worst to nail down, KWIM?!

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:31 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Apparently that's not the ONLY thing you're not so "good at", Poppy!

but this reminds me of NTV's patented Pupsicle idea he had a week or two ago!

Does that mean that NTV is ACTUALLY this "Todd the bad" we all love to HATE?

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:29 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

So much negativity is rightly thrown towards WS & AP because of the emotional and physical shitstorm they selfishly unleashed on the BS/family. There are consequences for every action and taking some heat for helping to destroy lives is a part of WS/AP owning their shit. There is enough blame and anger to go around for both. If a WS/AP is “scared off” it’s because they aren’t yet ready to put in the work to own their actions. Getting out of infidelity is NOT for the weak/faint of heart. You cannot control how other people give advice. The 2x4s are needed just as much as gentle words are and IMO SI has a good balance of both. Anger towards WS/AP dies down when they become remorseful and put in the work to show that they are better people. I definitely don’t believe that a couple can be happily reconciled when the ws still misses the person that helped them betray their spouse and family, but I’m going to 🤐 on that as to not get banned from this forum.