SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you that have tried to R, when did you throw in the towel?

I'm thinking I an there. I still love her, love the family. I just am having such a hard time with resentment. Obviously, the A has destroyed me, but I am not a quitter. I am almost 2 years out from DDay, and I just don't know.

Secret messages on Facebook. I was logged in and saw the convo. Random guy messaged her, and she said that it wasn't appropriate, and her being married, I wouldn't approve of her talking to other guys, especially sexy ones. After 20 minutes of flattery, she said no more messages, and deleted the messages. I asked her not to delete messages.

Sex. I wanted more. Yeah... It started that way, but nothing in a while. Months.

I've asked her for things (read this book, she got through 35%, yet was off furring the govt shutdown. She said she was ashamed. (???)

I've asked for things that were flatly denied, things that would have made me feel like I gave a shit to her.

I'm lost.

T2MD,

I’m sorry you’ve had another DDAY. That’s what this is. She’s getting ego kibbles from another guy, then stopping it because “my husband wouldn’t like me getting texts from a sexy guy”. That is a kick in the gut. But she did stop it this time, but deleted and didn’t confess. It kind of makes you throw up in your mouth.

You are right. She hasn’t done the work. She doesn’t seem to be all in with you, and is still “open” to other guys. This isn’t about you or anything you lack. This is all about her.

CAN she find her way to be a safe partner? Yes. She hasn’t yet. She needs IC, there is a hole of brokenness in her that she needs to figure out.

You can’t fix her or change her. What is it you need?

You haven’t confronted her about the text exchange, right? If you aren’t confronting because you are waiting to see if more appears, I get that. I could also understand if this is just too much. Don’t be passive. Get yourself out of infidelity.

You can’t change her, but can refuse to live with a wife that isn’t all in. You deserve better. She can get there, but will she choose to do so.

Look at your options, including D. Then talk frankly with her. This is no way to live. Don’t tolerate it.

You have yourself stuck.

At this time you are the only one keeping you where you are. No one else has the power or control over you to do that.

I never really gave up... she did. The nicest thing that she ever did for me.

Basically, I set a hard boundary that she be honest with me. She was never honest with me... I never trusted her... and eventually, she got annoyed that I wasn't trusting her even though she wasn't telling me the truth.

It was about 2 years after D-day when she gave up. I said it before... she ended the marriage for selfish reasons, but I am way happier now without her (I'm still in the middle of a divorce too).

I knew when I was done. I reached the point where I simply had enough. Even though STBXWH had not cheated again that I know of, I had reached my breaking point with his toxic drama and never ending lies and gaslighting me about the dumbest things ever. His numerous A's were only one symptom of a much larger picture of selfish entitlement and abusive disregard for others. I think of it like death by a thousand paper cuts.

It wasn't until after I told him that I wanted a divorce that I realized that there was absolutely nothing that he could do or say that would make me want to try again with him. He made all of the standard empty promises and tried to be on his best behavior for a while. That's when it really dawned on me that even if STBXWH became the husband of my dreams and started being the most honorable person that ever walked the face of the earth, I would be happy for him and his next partner, but that I was not interested at all. I would never trust it. I would never believe it. And I knew that it would never last because we had BTDT way too many times before and it never lasted with him.

Even if he became Mr. Wonderful, I was not interested any longer. He asked me if he had ever had a chance at making it work with me after his initial D-day. I told him that was an excellent question and then asked him if he ever given himself the chance of making it work with me by fixing his shit so that he could make the most of the repeated opportunities to do right by me that I had given him over the years. The answer to his question was entirely on him. He didn't bother to get his shit together or grow up because he was still operating under the illusion that he could treat me as poorly, as disrespectfully, and as abusively as he wanted to and he would always be able to talk his way out of it. Until the day when he finally couldn't.

I've learned a lot. I wasn't the one who gave up on our marriage because I honored my vows. He gave up on our marriage before it even began when he decided to marry me so that he could use me to take care of all of the grown up stuff while he kept living out his second childhood of maximum irresponsibility. I wasn't put on earth for that. I agreed to share my life with him, not revolve my life around his abusive demands.

And throwing in the towel on our marriage didn't mean that I was giving up or quitting. If anything, I was doing exactly the opposite by following through on my responsibility to take care of myself and to remove anyone from my life who is abusive towards me. It was my job to save myself. Anyone who expected me to sacrifice myself and my well-being so that they can do the bare minimum or treat me like shit is the true quitter because they weren't giving me or our marriage a fighting chance.

You have the power to refuse to settle for her nonsense. If she isn't giving you much of anything to work with, then it's not you that is giving up, but is actually her.

F1

You will know when you have had enough, even though you may still love her. There comes a point when the rational mind steps up and speaks to you over your emotional heart. Listen to your brain, and your gut. It may be one of the hardest decisions you will ever make, but getting out of infidelity and a toxic marriage is priceless.

Cheating was always a dealbreaker for me, and xhole knew it because I said so all throughout our marriage. That didn't diminish the heart searing pain when I was blindsided that he had been cheating almost our entire marriage.

I am not a quitter

I am not a quitter either. But I am also not willing to violate my own boundaries and personal convictions for someone who obviously doesn't give two shits about me and my feelings.

When the vision of being away from the toxicity is more alluring than staying in it with a remorseless spouse, well, there's your sign.

Thank you guys for the feedback. It really is appreciated.

please understand that I didn't mean the quitter comment as an insult anyone. I think it's just more my frame of mind. I didn't cheat, yet because of something she did, the marriage is hanging on by threads. It's my marriage too, so I feel like I failed, and if I walk out, I quit. I'm sure some psychiatrist would love to put me on his couch about that.

We are also going through a lot with her father. He's dying, so she is under a lot of pressure. So am I truthfully, I'm trying to be a living donor for him. I do wonder how that is going to turn out. Her family still has no idea that she did this to me. She's still ther angel. In a way, I have a lot of resentment, because really, what consequences did she have for causing me so much pain? Where would she be if I walked out when I found out? I just see her falling back into old patterns, trying to sweep all the shit under the rug. I'm sure that's really easy, try to forget the damage you've caused. I've always been the rock in the family, and once again I proved it when I stayed. Still, the constant current of a river will cause the rock to erode. Maybe the weight of burden will cause that rock to crumble. I'm really starting to feel that way now. It's always about what she needs, what she wants. When I bring up what I need or want, it's minimized.

I do sincerely appreciate the feedback though. I'm afraid I'm staying, and I'm afraid of leaving. This truly sucks. Ideally, I do think I'll do okay, being in my mid-forties with the great job, a great sense of responsibility and loyalty. There is a hole board here of women that haven't had that and their relationships. I'm sure those qualities would be appreciated.

Still, I do think of the damage that this could do to my children. Financially and emotionally.

I think your feeling guilty and its driving your motivation to allow yourself to be punished and abused more. You really need to understand her cheating is on her. If this marriage ends its because of what she did not you leave. Your not walking away because your selfish. Your walking away because she cant be trusted. She wont get the help she needs to prove she is a safe reliable partner for you and your children. Your children will hurt for a while but if you show them you will still be a serious active part of their lives they will see that its going to be fine. In time you would be able to spend a lot more time with them and they would see you really happy instead of sad and worried like you are now.

She created this problem. She clearly is failing at doing what is right because she still feels her needs and wants are more important than how you feel. The only way to change that is to leave.

If talking to her didn't work then staying and doing nothing wont work either. Its horrible about her dad but its something she will have to get through. If I was you I would go see an attorney. I would get things lined out and then I would write a very respectful letter to her family explaining what she did without graphic details. I would explain to them that your divorcing there daughter is something that you have to do for you. You wish them the best and hope the father pulls through it.

This way they will see what is going on and they can help her go through this as well. If your wife goes off the deep end and isn't stable then move for custody and move on with your life.

You have to put your feelings first. Its your turn to take care of you.

please understand that I didn't mean the quitter comment as an insult anyone.

No worries on that front!

It's my marriage too, so I feel like I failed, and if I walk out, I quit.

You need to change your framework on this. Yes, it is your marriage, too, but YOU did NOT fail. Your WW failed. She failed to honor her wedding vows. She failed to remain loyal to you. She failed to find other solutions to meet her needs that didn't involve betraying you AND the kids. Yes, she failed the kids, too! She failed to set an example for her children of what grown, mature married people do when they encounter troubles. And that does NOT include bringing a third party into the marriage. She failed to act as a mature, responsible adult. SHE FAILED. PERIOD. Please try to take that guilt monkey off your back.

I do think of the damage that this could do to my children. Financially and emotionally.

We have an often repeated phrase around here that is very true. It is better for kids to be FROM a broken home than to live IN a broken home. Yes, it will be an adjustment to find a new normal, but kids a quite resilient. Especially if they have at least one honest, stable parent they can count on. That needs to be you. You are also showing them by example that no matter how painful it might be, standing up for yourself and demanding respect is a GOOD thing, and being walked all over and disrespected is not.

Her father's situation is sad and unfortunate. But she will have to learn to handle it on her own with her family's support.

I just am having such a hard time with resentment.

One thing I can tell you about this ^^ from my own experience is that resentment doesn't just go away. Unless both spouses are fully committed to R and do the necessary hard work, that resentment will only grow and grow, killing your soul a little each day. That is a horrible way to live, and the kids WILL pick up on that, too. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise.

Have you talked to you kids?

My 13 year old asked me some pretty intense and adult questions this weekend. I realized I have been tyring to floss things over.

She found the affair...she’s not stupid. I forgot that a little information can be worse.

A good family might help you talk to your kids about the changes in their life. It is an opportunity to discuss honesty, expectations and boundaries. Both of my kids go. I go with them occasionally.

I feel guilty too. Like I should fix things so everyone else is happy. I know that is ocdependant thinking. I did not cause this probable and I am not responsible for fixing it.

I need to create a safe and secure new dynamic for my kids.

Why didn’t the cheaters think of all this fallout before they cheated? Would it have mattere? So many questions...

You need to do what’s right for you and your kids.

please understand that I didn't mean the quitter comment as an insult anyone.

I am more like you... in that I did not quit on either of my marriages until it got to the point of absurdity.

To be honest, I feel like someone who has the strength to say ENOUGH is a way better person than me.

The saving grace for what I have done... is that I have no doubts that I did everything that I could to keep my marriages together.

I am in therapy for being co-dependent though. So there's that.

T2MD,

Sorry you are in so much pain. I know how it feels.

I think I gave up when I knew the lies would not stop. I guess I always knew that without consequences, my XH would never stop, never change. I hoped my love and chance at R would be enough for him to finally consider me and the kids. It wasn't.

I could totally see my XH doing exactly what your WW did, and not think a thing about it. The attention is worth hurting you over. She knew it would hurt you, she knew it was wrong. That's why she deleted it. She's probably thinking, what you don't know won't hurt you. They just don't get it.

It became clear to me as time went on that my XH wasn't willing to sacrifice one single solitary thing for me or our M. When I found out he was still in contact with the OW it was almost a relief to me. Now I can finally call it quits. You don't need to wait for another DDay to do that. It seems like if she keeps talking to random sexy guys on facebook, that day will come soon enough.

You are not a failure. You can't make this marriage work all by yourself.

Someone who leaves a toxic situation is not a quitter. It's called having healthy boundaries. Enough time has passed since Dday and I think you see the writing on the wall. Resentment really doesn't go away unless the WS is doing everything in their power to heal you and the marriage. And even then it's a tough task.

Also,what helped me a lot was disclosing my XWW's cheap affair to her parents. Didn't really matter in the end because they obviously sided with her but that was the moment I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed about. The shame was all hers to carry.

Edit because I didn't answer your question: We were already separated before I found out about her loverboy. She threw a few half hearted breadcrumbs offering an explanation/trying to salvage the situation. But I was too far gone by then.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 10:05 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

When you know, you know.

My 2 year Dday antiversary will be next week. My D was final last December. In all of that time my XWW still held that she had more equity in that marriage than I did. Up until the last second of our M she continued to throw me under the bus for all of it failings. She never took ownership of her faults and flaws and barely of her affair. Sure I got a couple sorry's out of her. But her attitude never changed.

And the shitty thing is that I still care about her. Old habits die hard.

You're obviously a stand up guy. You deserve way better. And as long as you are open and honest with your kids about everything, they'll be fine too.

It's a tough decision. But once it's made and you get the D process going you'll feel a lot better. It's good to know there's an expiration date on some things.

please understand that I didn't mean the quitter comment as an insult anyone. I think it's just more my frame of mind. I didn't cheat, yet because of something she did, the marriage is hanging on by threads. It's my marriage too, so I feel like I failed, and if I walk out, I quit. I'm sure some psychiatrist would love to put me on his couch about that.

We are also going through a lot with her father. He's dying, so she is under a lot of pressure. So am I truthfully, I'm trying to be a living donor for him. I do wonder how that is going to turn out. Her family still has no idea that she did this to me. She's still ther angel.

I'll do okay, being in my mid-forties with the great job, a great sense of responsibility and loyalty

This is almost like a stand-up comedy routine in terms of its irony and hyperbole.

Sex. I wanted more. Yeah... It started that way, but nothing in a while. Months.

I've asked her for things (read this book, she got through 35%, yet was off furring the govt shutdown. She said she was ashamed. (?

Let me get this straight... You are a 40-something man donating your actual ORGANS for the dying father of this cheating, lazy ass female of yours...

But she can't be inconvenienced or bothered or impressed upon to merely finish reading a damn book about how to try to fix what she broke and got outside, conspiratorial "help" with trying to utterly DESTROY??!?

And not only is she starving you to death where sexual intimacy is concerned... But as a laid off government employee & erstwhile adulteress who obviously has the time and the "tools" available, she's actually getting PAID by me and many of us here on SI and the rest of the people of the land of the "free and the brave" to stay home and treat you this way?!?

Wow...

I mean ... Just...

WOW

If she's still their "angel" with that incredible sense of angelic self sacrifice and servitude she's obviously rocking y'all's world with...

Then I REALLY GOTTA wonder... What does that make YOU in their eyes and estimation?

Unless of course you meant FALLEN angel...in which case I wonder if she would be able to give new meaning to the term "Ex".

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:51 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]

^^^^^👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Haven't seen you in a while, Cephastion. Well said.

Does she take old flags and wedding dresses and turn them into cleaning rags and "sanitary napkins" and fire starter kindling for boy scout campouts as well?

Sorry to hear about your situation trying. Just a couple notes from the little we know...

You seem co-dependent and fearful. That's a weak position to be in. Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180 and employ it.

Your wife cheated and is not remorseful. That's not a good sign. She'll be cheating again if she's not already. If she's not having sex with you then you have to wonder who she is having sex with.

Your wife is not doing what you want because she sees you as weak and not deserving of her efforts.

You're not helping her by sweeping the affair under the rug. You can argue that you're not sweeping but the evidence is that you haven't told anyone what's going on, you're trying to move on, you're begging her to help you, you haven't imposed any consequences.

It might be helpful for you to read about what others on this site are going through. You need to realize that your wife is doing what all remorseful cheaters do and then if you want to get out of your hell on earth, you've got to get angry and impose swift, firm, harsh consequences upon her.

If you've decided to be a donor in order to 'hopefully' win your wife's respect and love, don't. Donating to her father won't make any difference. In all likelihood, she'll just stay with you until after the procedure and then she'll dump you. I wouldn't do it at all if I were you.

If you're committed to continuing handling your situation the same way expecting different results then start gathering up your finances and getting your affairs in order. You're going to need to be prepared for the worst case scenario; divorce.

There comes a point when the rational mind steps up and speaks to you over your emotional heart.

This is exactly what happened to me after 2 years of R.

WH called me a "self-absorbed c***" for ordering the wrong item off Amazon for him. I literally felt my emotions detach from him, and I HEARD my brain say, unemotionally, "I'm done. I'm leaving him.". And I did.

Sweet release from prison it has been. Believe me.

I'm so sorry for your second DDay. You are not safe in your marriage. You are not.

Sorry for the lack of response. I hate when people do that! Start a thread, and don't respond to other people's comments. I assure you that they all did make their way into my brain though.

Some of what you guys have said has definitely hit home though. It also did kind of hurt, to be honest. Doesn't mean it wasn't true though.

So, last night, we went out for dinner just me and her. Had a very long conversation. Not usually my style to do it in a restaurant, but I laid it on the table. Told her that I've been feeling a lot of resentment, listed out the reasons, and told her that it looks like she doesn't give a shit about me. The affair I've taken as a direct lack of respect among other things, and with how she's been responding to the things that I've had to suggest for her to help me through this, she has refused. I told her that I can't live this way. I told her that I went to a lawyer yesterday to understand more of the process. Our options right now consists of separation, mediation, or going to an actual divorce Court. I explained the pros and cons of each of them, from her standpoint and mine. I told her that I was tired of feeling worthless in the situation. Which one does she want at this particular point, because I've gotten to a point of acceptance. I've tried doing my part, but it feels like I'm doing it alone. She has been dealing with shame and guilt, so she doesn't really want to address this head-on. I get that, but there is a consequence. I wasn't worth the effort, but her AP was.

I told her that I would still go through with the donation, because honestly, her parents have been more parents then my own. My children are also very close to them. I can't offer something, go through all the tests, and then take away all hope. They did not cause this problem, she did.

I told her I would always love her, but there is no way that I can continue with things how they are. I told her to think of what she wants to do, because it would be better for me to be alone then to feel like I don't matter.

Obviously, that hit her to the core. I then left the restaurant and stayed over at my friend's house for a bit. When I came home, she was still in the bed crying, so I just changed my clothes and went downstairs to watch TV where I fell asleep.

Do I think she's a horrible person? Know. I think she has made such a horrible choice, and doesn't know how to fix it. Every conversation about the situation points to one of her failures. I don't think she views me as weak. Maybe she does, I don't know. I'm typically very alpha (I have never liked that term, but I'm using it this one time. Please don't hold it against me!), And have no problem telling someone to take a long walk on a short pier. Does that mean that I'm not week? I doubt it. Honestly, I don't want to lose the life that I've been building for so long. I don't want to sell my house, but I'll be damned if I let her live in it. The idea of seeing my kids every other weekend can literally make me cry as I say it. Maybe that does make me weak, because I don't want to give up on that dream that she's already shattered.

She's been going to counseling for a while, both individual and we've been going to marriage counseling. She's a people pleaser that has a hard time saying no (well, at least everyone else except for me apparently).

It really does bother me on a lot of levels to come to an anonymous board and seek advice. The reason why? I don't really have anyone to discuss this with. It's not like I go around and tell everyone how my wife has bang someone else. Anyone that went through this can relate to the pain that causes, but those that have not just think that I didn't know what I was doing in bed. How ironic that I may have felt that way in the past myself.

I sincerely do thank you guys though. This is real talk. It's about ugly ship that no one really wants to discuss, and I'm honored that you guys are willing to. I'm on my way home from work right now. I don't know what tonight is going to bring. I don't know if she will promise me the world, and once again under deliver. I don't know if she has really thought of the consequences, because the only other time I've ever said that word divorce was on DDay. Maybe it's snapped her out of her couch-potato stance of putting her head in the sand and hoping it all goes away? I don't know. I don't want to lose her, because when things are going well, they go really well. I never in a million years thought that she would have ever hurt me like this either. I didn't know that side of her.

I really am stuck. I know that I can't continue like we've been doing.