SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

This is my first time posting. I created my account in December but this is my first post.

Prior to getting married, I had 4 affairs - 3 physical and one on the verge of becoming physical until my fiancé intercepted the text messages. The texts really hurt him but we still got married a month later.

My husband and I have now been married for 9 years. For a year and a half,I had an affair with a work colleague. I started the affair and I ended the affair. Three months into the affair we were almost caught in a hotel by my husband thanks to GPS phone tracking and I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I lied about where I was. I said I was in the hotel alone. From searching my phone records my husband was able to figure out who I was most likely in the hotel with but I kept denying it.

About a month ago I tried to come clean but chickened out. I told enough truth to get him curious. So when I didn’t come clean my husband contacted my AP and when he denied the affair, my husband contacted my AP’s wife. She was able to get the truth and she told my husband everything.

Again, I ended the affair about 14 months ago and never looked back despite being contacted by my AP. I love my husband and our daughter. He’s so hurt and this is all my fault. I plan to start counseling next week. I’m sorry for the destruction I caused two families.

I don’t know how to handle this. My husband is talking about divorce and full custody. He’s so hurt and I don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading.

Welcome, TheBedIMade.

Though the A stopped 14 months ago, your BH is roughly a month out from knowing part/some of the truth, and partial truth just won't do. If you want to save your M and stop his torture, get it ALL out there. How honest are you being now? One of the best ways to do this is to write out a timeline and share that with him. I know that sounds counterproductive to saving your M but its true. It is the continued lies that often kill the M when the A doesn't. It may be too late, but you have nothing to lose at this point. And if a person takes full responsibility for their actions and make efforts to redress, then something is also gained.

He's bleeding out right now and maybe the only thing he can think of to get himself out of this situation is D. He sees you as the furthest thing from safe in a time that his trauma calls for safety in big ways. You singed up in Dec. but have you read around here, taken the advice that is given to others, have you read in The Healing Library, or "how to help your spouse heal"? Have you taken any action to help him?

I know fear has probably kept you from taking action, and you are still running on fear, I get fear, I really do. I had to come clean with some things myself, just the thought of having to filled me head to toe with paralyzing fear. Early on my way of letting go of the outcome was simply whispering to myself 'fuck it' and doing the scary thing anyway. I built more and more courage by facing my fears each time, while proving more and more how safe I really can be for my H.

All of that to say, first you have to start with radical truth. That's how you begin to handle it.

Destroyed is ok, but balance that with the knowledge that it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Like FL stated, the first thing to know is if your BH wants to discuss ANYTHING, there can be only truth. Especially now with the shock and pain where it is, please don’t think you can shield/protect him. That time passed.

You mention several pre-M As as well as post-contact from AP- All red flags. Regarding the AP, BLOCK HIM EVERYWHERE, ASAP. IC is going to be in order for you to figure out what it is that allows you to make this decision more than once. If there is room to discuss R, maybe one MC session to at least discuss/start to process in a safe space, then work on you.

If D becomes the only direction, important to remember that this may be your ultimate act of love for your BH- To give him the decision you removed before and arm him with the knowledge that he needs to decide- If his mind isn’t made up.

We’re here for you, and hope that the journey can at least be informative and spur personal growth. This is scary, and I see more and more how this community props up its members. Ask away, be strong and honor yourself and your BH.

Do you know why you had the affairs? Do you know what your husband thinks about why? My husband thought that he was deficient in some way. A thorough understanding of why I did what I did has helped him understand and know that he was not (in fact it is the opposite, he is a better person than I ever knew). Working through why you did it, and helping him to understand it was not because of him, can be one of the things you do for him.

I 100% agree with foreverlabeled. The full and total truth is what he needs. Until then he is filling in the blanks with whatever is most terrifying to him. Help him not to do that. It will also help you to begin to sort out your whys.

I started IC yesterday. They did an assessment on me. It looks like I have a fair amount of childhood trauma. I begin meeting one-on-one with a therapist in two weeks. I am wondering if I should attend once a week initially and later, when some progress has been made, lessen the frequency? Because I have a young child I really can't go more than once a week.

My BS pretty much knows everything. I offered the polygraph but he hasn't taken me up on it yet. If he does, I'm committed to participating.

He is hurting so badly right now. It tears me up to see the destruction and pain I have caused. I know what I feel is nothing compared to what he is feeling but nonetheless I hate myself for inflicting this kind of pain. I'm disgusting!

My BS has told his sister, brother-in-law and three friends about what I did. I'm angry so many people know. I'm angry they are on his side and telling him to leave me (at least three of them are. Two haven't said anything).

I'm scared that he will leave me. I'm scared that if he stays we will not reconcile and we will have a miserable existence as we attempt to parent our lovely daughter. She doesn't deserve any of this. She is so happy, so innocent and I have destroyed what could have been.

My BS is in touch with my AP's wife. They talk via phone, text and email because they are the only ones who understand what each other is going through. I'm not happy about this either, but what can I do. They wouldn't know each other if it weren't for me, my infidelity and all of my lies.

I ordered several books including After the Affair and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. I'm reading them. I don't like this place I'm in. I'm so unhappy and I have no power or control to clean up the mess I made. The therapist I met with yesterday says I might have adjustment disorder and/or PTSD from my childhood trauma but it's too early diagnose.

I want to take away my BS pain. He's so depressed and he can't sleep. He's so hurt and in so much pain. I want him back. I want back everything I gave away.

Re read your post above. Count all the "I"s.

Please stop the selfishness.

Totally Dumb, your point about being selfish is taken, I thought that it was OK for me to post my feelings here? Maybe not?

I can understand your frustration over the exposure. Not that I was angry when my BH did a mass exposure but humiliated is pretty accurate, ashamed, wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and live there. Its suggested around here for a couple reasons. Support and sometimes it helps to bring a WS out of the fantasy world. I don't think it's punishment though sometimes will be used as such. I think it is just part of the consequences. I think its natural to respond to that news by saying leave. But just because they say it doesn't mean it's the path your BH will take. I know you must understand why someone would suggest that. Try not to take it personal.

The OBS, I think you are projecting your insecurities here. Again, its suggested they keep in contact for a bit, make sure stories line up, that another set of eyes helps to protect going underground. I know you know the A is over and has been, this is fresh for them, they don't know and have no reason to trust either of you.

All of this takes time. You are ONE month out from dday. You cannot begin to phantom the trauma your BH is drowning in. One month out is a very difficult time, so incredibly painful and disorienting for your BH. And its probably going to continue this way for months until he slowly begins to just recover from this powerful blow. Let alone begin to make sense of what really just happened to his life and how to process it all.

Think in terms of the grief process. Right now its shock and denial for him. Do some research on how this kind of trauma impacts a person, read around in JFO. I know this is a hard and painful time for you too, but you're going to have to be the strong one and buckle up. You just have to breathe and cope the best you can, and help him with empathy, compassion, and humility. You have two fronts to attend, but I will say make sure he is a priority right now. You aren't going to change overnight but what you do could cause him to change his mind overnight. Try not to inflict any more pain with your actions or attitude.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 5:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Hey, I got the "I" thing thrown my way in my first post. It happens, it's hard not to tell our stories without including ourselves and our feeling.

I forgot to add something about IC. I went once a week for a few months. It was so needed and then it wasn't. If you can manage for awhile I say go once a week. This is a difficult time for you too, you'll need the help.

I'm angry they are on his side

Why?

Why did you choose to cheat so many times?

My BS pretty much knows everything.

What does this mean? Why can't you be proactive and tell him everything without him having to drag it out of you? You don't want to feel disgusting anymore..then gain some integrity by doing the right thing and taking it onto yourself to get over your fear and tell him everything on your own.

I have no power or control to clean up the mess I made.

You have all the power and control to fix yourself and clean yourself up to become someone you can be proud of and to become a good person. You have the control to do everything you can to try and help your BS to heal and maybe just maybe in a few years get a relationship and marriage out of it with your BS.

You have to stop wallowing in what if and start building for the future.

I'm angry they are on his side

I need to choose my words more carefully. I'm not angry they are on his side. I'm scared he will be influenced by their opinion and advice.

My BS pretty much knows everything.

What does this mean? Why can't you be proactive and tell him everything without him having to drag it out of you? You don't want to feel disgusting anymore..then gain some integrity by doing the right thing and taking it onto yourself to get over your fear and tell him everything on your own.

I have answered every question that he has asked. I have answered truthfully and offered to take a polygraph. I don't believe there is anything else to tell but I'm willing to answer all questions. There are questions he sometimes asks that I hadn't thought to tell him, but I answer truthfully. An example is a specific day of the week.

You have to stop wallowing in what if and start building for the future.

Yes, I will fix myself and control myself. Thank you.

TheBedIMade,

I know this is a very hard time for you. It's much worse for your BS because he doesn't know in any comfortable way the scope and extent of your infidelity.

My BS pretty much knows everything. I offered the polygraph but he hasn't taken me up on it yet. If he does, I'm committed to participating.

"Pretty much knows everything" doesn't begin to take care of his doubts and lack of trust. I say this having lied and held back for years. I did incredible damage to my BS by foot-dragging and outright lying. I'm recommending that you be smarter than that. Be proactive and write out a detailed timeline. That's what will help your BS to heal.

Hang in there, this will be a long, wild ride.