SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry if this is all over the place. My brain has been doing cartwheels lately.

I'm 4 1/2 months out from DDay. So I suppose I have survived the initial betrayal. Life goes on so to speak.

I still get up everyday and work through my routine. Although my routine is a lot different now.

My friends are over it. My coworkers are over it. I don't have anymore leeway at work. The dogs don't care if I was cheated on. They still expect me to feed them. My family now has there own problems to worry about.

So I just do me. I methodically get through the day. Doing the same tasks as before, yet nothing is the same! My view on life is completely different. I'm still triggered multiple times daily. The affair is still on my mind more often than not. But the world doesn't stop for us does it?

We are never the same are we?

I know its still early. My life has been uprooted in a short time. But its true isn't it? We are fundamentally changed.

When does the heavy cloud of infidelity start to lift some? I feel like its a ball and chain I'm dragging around. Its never coming off, but my legs are getting stronger so I'll just live with it.

Its amazing how humans can overcome adversity, yet terribly depressing as well.

So I technically survived infidelity. WhoopdeeFuckingdoo

The premise of being happy again seems nearly impossible. It's fucking exhausting. I went to bed a 730 the other night. I would have gone to bed at 5pm if I could have, but I needed to stay up to say goodnight to my daughter.

I'm waiting for a pharmaceutical company to do a clinical trial that requires patients to be put into an induced coma for a while. I could go for a 6 month nap! Hell they wouldn't even have to pay me.

I guess I just wanted to whine for a bit. Typical fucking millennial.

I'm a year and a half from Dday and just discovered my WH was/is still lying about affair details. This is after I've given him 2 chances to write a complete and detailed timeline. It's all back to square one and now I give zero fucks. I'm focusing on making myself happy.

Sorry Neaderthal, because I feel very much the same, and have - for the last 17 years....so yes, things have changed....but you made me bust out laughing with your bolded statement, OMG!

Hey N - sorry you are struggling right now

A couple things - I separated July 29 and filed for D 9/10. About 3 weeks ago I noticed a distinct shift in my emotional landscape. I don't even really know what 'caused' it, but I have been doing noticeably better since then.

Also - are you on anti-depressants? If not, you might consider getting on them to get you through this patch.

And you have no timeline - you get over it when you get over it. No one else gets to make you feel that way.

4.5 months is not long. I was still a basket case at 4.5 months. I'm better at three years, but still a basket case on many days.

The coma idea sounds only good on paper. I bet when you wake up it'll feel like no time has passed and everyone else is now 6 months further removed from what happened.

Also you might wake up in Idiocracy. Too risky IMO

Good to hear from you! I'm glad you're surviving.

You're not far removed from your most recent D-day. People often suggest that a new D-Day restarts the clock so please be patient. I swear adrenaline alone got me through the first few months, after that, the adrenaline wore off and I was left with bleak unending reality of my life. For me, things started to turn around about a year out. I still thought about it everyday but it was less all-consuming.

I know I've encouraged you about this in the past, but I'll do it again. Find some sort of hobby or outlet that allows you to focus your mind, and tune out the rest of the world even if only for 30 minutes and hour. Double points if it is something that makes you sweat - endorphins are your friends right now. For me it was yoga. You mentioned before that you liked to ride your bike.... are you still riding?

We are never the same are we?

Nope.

Complain away. This is definitely the place for it. Misery loves company, right?

I got what in retrospect was a pretty good hand dealt to me in the form of the "clean break": 6 weeks to dismantle 12 years then forever NC. She also acted pretty shittily toward me, so I was able to get over her quickly. Different strokes and all, but my timeline looked like this from DDay:

1 month: got over her, life is still in shambles but survival mode carried me

3 months: got over the relationship and entered the "she was a narc" phase

6 months: got over the kneejerk need to fill the void and accepted loneliness

9 months: got over loneliness, began to stop feeling like every relationship around me is just an unhappy farce, started to feel weirdly thankful that this kick in the ass jumpstarted my new better life

10 months: got over even the harshest emotional triggers around abandonment and infidelity

12 months: gained back 90% of my confidence, started intellectualizing infidelity rather than getting emotional about it, started to see her POV much clearer (without excusing her actions)

13 months: gained back 99% of confidence and get off on silently judging others' relationship woes from my "learned" position atop my ivory tower as a bad mofo who got his shit together (I'm being kind of facetious here)

14 months: zen state of total acceptance of singlehood

Edit: I'll add this, what I think could be the very best advice I can give to anyone in our situation.

Confidence is a positive feedback loop.

I was "lucky" I guess to have started from such a low position, so there really was one way for me and it was UP UP UP. The alternative was to engage in any of several deleterious coping strategies, but survival mode was strong in this one. I wasn't about to lay down for anyone. So I had to get a job, which I did pretty quickly. Then I had to get my own place, which I did. All the while, I was strengthening the relationships that I did have in my life, which is textbook DDay aftermath stuff. Then I focused on dressing my new 40-lb lighter body in better clothing. Then I started getting off on proving myself at work. Then I started finding hobbies and activities to fill my free time. Then I traveled to places I've always wanted to visit and doing the major things I've always wanted to do. Every now and then I took time to just lay in bed for hours on my phone and wallow in my self pity, but I knew that at some point I had to get back on the horse and keep moving forward.

And each and every accomplishment made me feel better and more confident and more capable of completing the next big thing on my list. Such is the feedback loop that a person must seek out and enter when they're down like this. It's okay to take a breather, but only in moderation.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 12:43 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

We are never the same are we?

I know its still early. My life has been uprooted in a short time. But its true isn't it? We are fundamentally changed.

No, we are never the same. Goodness, though...4 1/2 months...you're doing very well. This does get way better as time goes on. It does change you. Some for the better, some for the worse, and even the "for the better" changes aren't worth the trauma in my opinion. But the zen-like acceptance of being single that AbandonedGuy wrote is a pretty great place to get to. You will reach a state of peace, but for a while it's a lot of putting one foot in front of the other and marching forward through sand. It will be hard for a while yet. It won't be hard forever.

It won't be hard forever.

It feels so pointless to march on when you're in the thick of things. The worst part is you really can't control your emotional reaction. You just have to sit there with your brain freaking out on your constantly and put on your best "This is fine" face. It feels like that state will NEVER pass...but it does. You're forever changed because of it, sure, but that status quo of emotional balance (usually) eventually comes back.

Distractions distractions distractions until you get through this phase, Neanderthal! Keep laying the groundwork now for your happy new life because once the emotional bullshit subsides, you'll come to and realize that you're already doing the shit that you want to be doing, but now you can enjoy it and appreciate it.

It does change you. Some for the better, some for the worse, and even the "for the better" changes aren't worth the trauma in my opinion.

Oh so much yes to this!

I am changed and the happy go lucky always optimistic me is no longer there anymore. I used to have tons of energy I put into working out and taking the kids places and being a fantastic mom until my world blew up.

I feel like this never ends and now I'm going through Separation.

The trauma was so not worth it. I literally despise my STBX for all of this! The only answer I can come to is that he is NPD and there is nothing I can do to change it so I am leaving.

Now I know what NPD looks like is the only good thing that has really come out of this. I have no desire to date or have a R. I don't want to be vulnerable to another person. I don't like relationship dynamics anymore and I'm not even sure I will be able to compromise with another partner. It really has jaded me. I feel more pessimistic now with very critical eyes.

I'm not as trusting of others and I don't want to go out of my way for anything anymore. I feel exhausted emotionally most days and this is on medication and seeing an IC once a week.

Thanks guys. I'm sorry to see so many people struggling like I am. But yeah, misery loves company. So group hug!

(((((((((((SI Peeps)))))))))))))

I am on anti-depressants. But I just started lowering my dosage. I'm ready to start feeling again. Not just thinking about how I should feel.

I've tried to stay busy with my main hobby. But I don't find joy in it yet. At least it keeps my mind occupied for a little while.

All physical activity came to a screeching halt after TT#2. I've since started a new hobby. Donuts. Lots and lots of donuts. Apple fritters, old fashions, glazed. Do Cinnabon's count?

Its chilly enough that I wont ride my bike. I hate breathing hard in cold air. I guess now I just hate breathing hard.

Superesse I'm glad I could make you laugh for a bit.

Also you might wake up in Idiocracy. Too risky IMO

Or maybe wake up in a Wall-E type of world. Everyone floating around on there hoverchairs, drinking smoothies and living in a virtual world.

Confidence is a positive feedback loop.

I agree, and I have been working on that some. I have projects around the house to keep me busy and give me a sense of accomplishment. It's sad knowing I'm probably fixing it up for someone else to live in it.

It feels so pointless to march on when you're in the thick of things. The worst part is you really can't control your emotional reaction. You just have to sit there with your brain freaking out on your constantly and put on your best "This is fine" face. It feels like that state will NEVER pass...but it does

That's a great way to describe it. I'm ready for it to pass.

Yeah, 4.5 months is a blink of the eye.

You'll be better in 6 months (maybe angrier - the anger phase kicks in about then), and better in a year, and even better in 4.5 years.

It just takes time to get through the trauma.

Hang in there, and just put one foot in front of the other until you make it out.

Man cannot live on donuts alone.

I've gone through a phase of stuffing my face, big mistake IMO Now trying to lose all the weight.

I think I'm most thankful that I bypassed the face-stuffing phase. I'm sticking with my post-DDay weight loss damn it! I haven't maintained this scale number for this long in over 10 years. Don't get me wrong, if I so much as buy junk food, all of it is wiped out within 24 hours, so I keep that delicious goodness the hell out of my place. Another thing is to buy a bunch of clothing that's *just* a little too snug so if you gain a few pounds, you feel it immediately.

if I so much as buy junk food, all of it is wiped out within 24 hours, so I keep that delicious goodness the hell out of my place.

Yep I'm the same way.

It also didn't help that WW and I sometimes did hysterical bonding with junk food.

I know exactly what you mean by "hysterical bonding with junk food". Post make up gorging was always on the menu, no pun intended. Ice cream was a weakness for both of us, but I could eat anything chocolate for days. Now that I think about it, I definitely had a phase when I first moved into this place on my own where I'd occasionally buy a whole pie or cake or something and just demolish it. Nothing to kill sugar cravings like the old "I'm going to stand here while you smoke this entire pack of cigarettes" approach.

Sometimes we'd talk about favorite junk food then both decide we need to take a trip to the grocery store and stock up. It was bit of a rush I have to admit. In some ways it was better than sex because it didn't feel tainted by the POSOM.

This thread is starting to sound like the movie "Fatso" with Dom Deluise.

A funny scene is when the "chubby checkers" come to talk the main character down after he couldn't take watching food commercials anymore, then they all start talking about their favorite foods like sucking the jelly out of a donut and refilling it with something else...

...they eventually put a gun to the guy's brother so he'd unlock the fridge...

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:47 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

When does the heavy cloud of infidelity start to lift some?

Don't know if this has been said, but the rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity.

I've heard 2-5 years a lot. I assumed that prison sentence only applied if trying to R. Does divorce get you out early on good behavior?