SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is how I look at it:

You know how when you haven't worked out in a long time and you start back up but you overdo it and the next day, you're hurting so bad you just want to die?

That's how I felt when I first learned about the A.

Then, later, the physical pain starts to dull, it's still there, but not as painful and you find yourself able to move without groaning in pain. That's where I am a year later. There are still times where, like healing from overexercising you might turn your head a little to fast and you get that twinge and the hurt falls on you 100% again, but not as often.

Hey, maybe next year it will settle to a dull ache.

Does divorce get you out early on good behavior?

It's funny because I kind of feel this way, but obviously I'm biased. I also think that she and I went through several down periods that were almost like reconciliation periods at the core. I did suspect her of cheating on me on two previous occasions, though I never got proof. I can also speak for myself in saying that, definitely on each of those occasions, I underwent a "having to fall back in love with her" phase. So for me, after the shock of DDay wore off, I did start to feel kind of relieved that this was all over.

My ex could be pretty cold and heinous though, so I imagine if you've got someone much more reasonable and warm, it's harder to detach.

It took me about four years to recover from my divorce, but it had a bunch of negative extenuating factors like having to deal with our son's severe emotional trauma from the divorce, my own chronic health issues and financial worries.

My exH left us right at the end of 2014 and this is the first year where I've started to feel genuinely happy again.

But remember- this too shall pass. It always does. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You sound pretty good to me at only 5 months out....this level of trauma takes years to recover from. But I think most of us make it to the other side. I didn't think I'd ever fully feel like myself again, and for years I didn't. But I'm back to me again after 5 years, although the awareness of the deep betrayal is never too far away.

As for donuts....I lost nearly 25 pounds in the first few months, and kept most of it off for about 4yesrs. But as I relax and the past floats further and further away,some weight has returned. It was never sustainable, but now I want to focus on good mental as well as physical health. The ways infidelity changes us is extraordinary.

You'll be okay, Neanderthal. Bit by bit the old you will find its way back. Welcome him with a few new tricks for self-improvement and self-love.

I divorced...

My roller coaster ride lasted about 4 months after I made the decision to D.

So I technically survived infidelity. WhoopdeeFuckingdoo

Amen sister...A-fucking-men

Does divorce get you out early on good behavior?

Yes. You still have to work through what was done to you and heal those wounds, but you don't have to go through the process of trying to rebuild a marriage with someone who showed you that getting their jollies was worth putting you through hell. In your case you have a WW who made things all the more difficult by lying her ass off for months after DDay and only coming clean when the knowledge that she was about to fail a polygraph forced her to. Had you not insisted on that, she'd be lying to you still. The TT on top of the affair makes the already daunting task of spending the next 2-5 years trying to reconcile that much less appealing.

If you wash your hands of her, there's no dealing with that. Yes, you'll still have triggers. Yes, you'll still have trust issues. Yes, you'll never be the same. And yes, you'll go through some heartbreaking moments with your daughter (this was the hardest part for me). However, you won't have to also go through the torture of trying to rebuild a relationship with the person who hurt you worse than anyone else, and who did it on purpose.

Neanderthal,

You were someone i (silently, because i am a master lurker) felt some kind of sad kinship for, since your dday was so close to my final and major TT, when i was at my worst. Plus i liked your username 🤣. I knew from your WW's post that you had also had devastating TT, but i didnt know what because i had to ask to be blocked from JFO when i was pain shopping like it was Black Friday. I logged out tonight and checked. I am so sorry.

I was an absolute mess after i got the whole, disgusting truth. For months. Like drugged enough not to feel so i didnt kill myself level mess. I am 5 months from that now, and, like you, everyone else has moved on while i am still struggling to maintain a base level of ok many days. And that was with a spouse who got it on that final day of TT and is working his ass off to help me heal and to become safe. I am "lucky", as far as you can be and still be on this site.

You are "lucky" too, in a way, in that at least you know what you are healing from. After i got over the absolute soul crushing pain of it, i found some kind of weird peace in the fact i had knowledge. As horrible as the pain of knowing was, i could eventually face it, whereas i couldnt begin to tackle the faceless mountain of questions and all the lies that I knew, like you did, i was being fed before. You also got the information you needed to take back control of your life and make decisions based on facts, not hopes and fantasy. Those kinds of "gifts" are hard to be grateful for. I know. Worst white elephant party ever. And i would never dream of telling you you owe her even a second of gratitude. But i hope they are able to help you, in some way, at some point.

I find i need this forum more now than i did at dday because no one in the real world understands the depth of trauma we experience as BS, or how long we experience it. My support slowly fell away after the initial acute period, and i felt so alone a while ago. As you said, misery loves company. So i wanted to say, you have mine too. We survived so far. Let's beat the 2-5 year odds together 🤣

Hey man..I read a few posts quick.My experience is simple..This shit sucks.You are fresh in it.I tried to R whatever that means is irrelevant.Pick yourself up for you and your daughter.What happens after today is on you man.What your wife does is on her..You need to really detach.It will somehow fall in to place or it won't..I hope you find some peace but it's not on you..

Peace

I remember being told 2-5 years. To me that as sooo long.

It’s very individual. Each experience is different. Everyone’s tolerance is different.

How hard do you try? How much are you tolerating? Are you carrying too much of the load?

There is a rollercoaster. So many times. We say. I’m at this stage now. Then it flips around and starts over.

I’ve learned that this is never it. It’s never done. It’s never like it was.

I go from depression to anger to bitterness to appreciation for gain. Then it’s starts over.

And when I think surely I’m there. I’ve learned all I can know. I still have epiphanies.

Be prepared. It cycles.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

There is no hard and fast rule to getting over betrayal.

In your case, it will probably take longer, as you have a daughter to co-parent, and as such, will see you WW often, which will probably trigger you.

Basically, the less triggers you are exposed to, the higher the chance of a faster recovery.

Even though I had dumped my ex, it took me about a year to get over her, but that was because I kept finding things in my place that reminded me of her (e.g. a photo, a t-shirt). Once I get those triggers out, the healing accelerated.

The biggest enemy you have at the moment, is idle time. This is when the mind wanders, and the 'what ifs' come out. Try and minimize your idle time. Take up learning something new; you can try learning Mandarin, or learn how to juggle, or both!

There is a rollercoaster. So many times. We say. I’m at this stage now. Then it flips around and starts over.

I’ve learned that this is never it. It’s never done. It’s never like it was.

Yes, it cycles repeatedly. The cycles get longer each time, in my experience. The cycles are also not predictable. And the process is not linear. Just when I’d think “oh I’m better now, I’m not going back to that thing” — I had to finally grow accustomed to sideways and upside down and backwards, like being in a tesseract. It is not linear and the sooner you get used to that the better.

I agree that the more you see the POS, the harder it might be to move on. In week 3 or 4, I forced myself to look at every one of our wedding photos. For nights. Until I felt very little anymore for the woman in those photos who was looking her absolute best that day. It was a weird almost masochistic exercise, but it did wonders. Mileage may vary. I experimented a lot in those early months to get my ass out of that emotional prison. Get creative.

I agree that the more you see the POS, the harder it might be to move on.

I have to see the AP a lot. I think this is right and it has severely hindered reconciliation.

EDIT: but of course, my WW engineered the circumstance of her affair in cooperation with her AP, so she is directly responsible for me having to see him all the time. She doesn’t take much responsibility for it and says it makes her feel bad do talk about it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Think of it as a bad car accident. Or more accurately an armed robbery, in which your spouse was the perp.

Your wife emotionally shot you (sleeping with OM) and then stabbed you (TT) a couple of times for good measure.

You survived.

Now It’s a long road back.

Now comes the recovery.

It will involve physical therapy of both the body and mind. It will take time to get your strength back. To stretch out the scar tissue. To get loose and relaxed again.

But it will happen. Just keep going.

I know it is a cliche, but time is on your side. 4.5 months is really not long. And you have been separated from your WW much less than that.

I can honestly say that my exW's infidelity and decision to run off with her AP was both the most painful thing that had ever happened to me and the biggest blessing. After we were apart 6 months I started dating again. A year after that I found a wife that didn't think even existed before.

Of course you are impatient to move on from this but you need more time. The pain will never go away completely but it will get faint enough that it doesn't matter. Have faith, I know you are going to come through this ordeal in a better place than ever.

dup

[This message edited by whatIknowNow at 6:10 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

I've heard 2-5 years a lot. I assumed that prison sentence only applied if trying to R

No. 2-5 years to recover, not to reconcile. Those are two separate things. I can recover regardless of my fch and the status of my M. I can't reconcile without him.

I'm 3 months into 2nd dday and separation. I'd like to think I'm doing fairly well. Have done a lot of things I haven't done before, and eyeing extreme sports while I'm not afraid.

I'm a huge stress eater. This is the first stressor where I don't have the appetite. And I'm maximizing it. I don't starve, I just don't overeat and generally now living a healthier life. I drink plenty of water.

While I'm doing okay, I hoped I didn't have to this way. But it is what it is so nothing else but maximize it. I'm sure I'm not healed yet and it might take me longer than I'd like to. But I'll just roll with the benefits, however little.

IHatePickingName, I like your name too. Thanks for coming out of the dark to comment. I really appreciate the support. It's interesting you blocked yourself from JFO. I did the opposite. I blocked myself from the Wayward forum. I was pain shopping in there too much. I'm definitely glad I did it.

There is no hard and fast rule to getting over betrayal.

In your case, it will probably take longer, as you have a daughter to co-parent, and as such, will see you WW often, which will probably trigger you.

Yup. No matter what happens, my biggest trigger will always be there.

Think of it as a bad car accident. Or more accurately an armed robbery, in which your spouse was the perp.

Your wife emotionally shot you (sleeping with OM) and then stabbed you (TT) a couple of times for good measure.

So true. The car analogy works too.

DDay was getting run over by a car my wife was driving. I started to get up, a few broken bones, but I could still walk. Probably a concussion.

TT#1 was her backing over me before I could get on my feet. Now I'm feeling some internal injuries. Definitely some more head trauma.

TT#2 I was facing the car trying to get to my feet, and she ran me over again. This time bumper directly to the face! I was knocked out, couldn't walk, barely breathing. Unfortunately the car stalled halfway over my body. She got out of the car and ran away. My leg is pinned under the car. I cant move, suffocating, cant yell for help....but I got a pocket knife. I'm now in complete shock. I feel nothing.

Polygraph weekend was me cutting off my own leg to escape. I knew I'd die without the truth. So I had to critically wound myself to survive.

I'm still in shock, and in ICU. But at least I'm on the second floor, so she cant run me over again.