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Could someone please explain to me what an exit affair is? From time to time on SI, people use that term and it seems to mean more than just leaving for good. Thanks!

They don’t want to be alone so they find someone new before they dump the old one Or I should say current one. My WH’s AP thought she was going to dump her husband and marry mine. He was stringing her along and she was planning her new life as me. She was so confident she told me so. The fly in the ointment was his amazement that I was willing to work on the marriage with him. She was highly pissed and tried and tried to maintain contact until every possible route was cut off. She’s still with her rugsweeping BS today.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:57 PM, June 14th (Sunday)]

There are different "definitions" and desired outcomes, but overall, it means that the WS is wanting out of the marriage they are in, and this is their way of blowing it all up, the affair destroys the marriage and they can then leave it, because it is destroyed.

Sort of like burning your house down, because you want to move, both behaviors are rather destructive and immature. There are better ways to get out of a relationship, and to move.

If it is an exit affair why do they hide it? Or do they decide when it all comes to light that they can't cope with the fall out?

I see it as others describe above - basically they’re done with the marriage and looking for a way out, and taking the cowards route.

I think people can feel this way during an affair and then change their mind, or snap out of it upon being discovered.

I would say my WH had an exit affair with this first wife. I think it helped him to legitimize his reasons for leaving her. The OW validated him, became his true love, placed demands on his time and money, etc.

If it is an exit affair why do they hide it? Or do they decide when it all comes to light that they can't cope with the fall out?

I am going to guess the answer to that might be individual.

I believe I had an exit affair. My answer to that question was probably giving the affair time to cement more? Someone who has an exit affair wants to monkey branch into another relationship - they want to make sure the branch is strong.

I hate that answer, but it's the truth.

Thanks for your honesty HO. I think my WH felt he had to run from the fallout he had created but when it came to it he faced the music and stayed.

I can believe that too. I have seen a lot of WS who said they never thought R was going to be an option or that people really did that. So, I could see an exit affair being more like a brace for impact thing.

But, honestly I think an exit affair happens when one party believes they are done with the marriage, at least on some level and are too avoidant to do anything that shows any courage towards that.

In an exit affair, you hated your marriage before you found an AP. Some people are aware that they feel this way and some aren't. Fear, judgment, and guilt are the most common reasons for not simply divorcing prior to cheating. Meeting "someone special" becomes the excuse or out that the WS is looking for as it can be spun as fate or destiny as opposed to selfish abandonment. It does NOT validate the affair or validate the unhappy marriage excuse as it is still avoidant, weak, cowardly, selfish, and toxically unhealthy to ditch a marriage without looking at it, working on it, or looking as yourself.

I think many people think the "for better or worse" is about tolerating. The actual for worse is yourself and looking at YOUR worst sides. Most people have no clue how to do this unfortunately. I have a friend who begged her H for marriage counseling, told him how unhappy she was. He said that wouldn't help and asked, "What are your complaints?" barely acknowledging her. Did she go for IC? No. Separate from him? No. Did she file for D? Nope. She found an AP for an exit A and left her BH. He took it very hard and blamed himself, as you might imagine. Eventually he had to admit that even his WW had other honest, legitimate, and non-cowardly options like IC, separation, and D. He did not take her seriously because she never acted, only complained. They got a D and she married the AP. I can honestly say she is more miserable in this M than the first one--no lessons learned.

Exit affairs are part of a WS's toxic FOO, they are not solutions to unhappy marriages. The WS often thinks so and leaves, but it solves nothing. Our issues with being happy or unhappy with ourselves and/or the people in our lives begin and end with us: how we act, what we allow, the choices we make, the internal dialogue with ourselves. If the M was toxic and the WS strong and healthy, they would never seek out a new R before addressing and working on the one they are in. Healthy people spend a lot of time looking inward, communicating better, learning better habits before they say goodbye to an M. That is the healthy way to address marital issues. An exit A is a mirage, a shell game, a magic trick; I pretend and convince this truth is happening (better R! Yippee!) to avoid acknowledging that this other truth is what is really happening (Don't want to look at myself! Too much brokenness and shame!). It's sad.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:22 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

The intent of the exit affair is to end the marriage. My WW did not have an exit affair. Based on my readings:

Why not just end the marriage?

Interestingly, such people are often conflict avoidant, and don't really feel OK saying they are done and want a divorce. Instead, they intentionally hurt their partner in order to make their partner initiate the divorce. The goal is to make it harder for the betrayed spouse to say, "Oh I'll work on this or that, and we can make it work." They are done and are piling on reasons in order to make continuing the relationship emotionally impossible for the BS.

Monkey branching is also very real. They want to develop their next relationship before leaving their current branch.

If it is an exit affair why do they hide it? Or do they decide when it all comes to light that they can't cope with the fall out?

Normally it's because they don't want the hassle until they have someone/somewhere to exit to. Makes for a quick get away so to speak...but I think these are rarer than it seems. I don't think it's often that people make the active choice to go looking for a replacement they can leave for before they find that person. The rest of the time the exit idea comes after they think they have found someone "better" - whatever their definition of better may be and eventually they decide to leave. The exit idea is often subconscious at first.

In an exit affair, you hated your marriage before you found an AP. Some people are aware that they feel this way and some aren't. Fear, judgment, and guilt are the most common reasons for not simply divorcing prior to cheating. Meeting "someone special" becomes the excuse or out that the WS is looking for as it can be spun as fate or destiny as opposed to selfish abandonment. It does NOT validate the affair or validate the unhappy marriage excuse as it is still avoidant, weak, cowardly, selfish, and toxically unhealthy to ditch a marriage without looking at it, working on it, or looking as yourself.

Yes. This. In my case, I do not think that I was aware at first. Like I did not cognizantly say "I am miserable and I want to meet someone else" But, then it was fate/destiny becoming the excuse. I escaped and thought I didn't want to return. Mind you, I consider myself to have had an exit affair, yet I made no real plans to leave and never suggested it to the AP. But, I do think that by the time I was full fledged into it, I was hiding it to delay the demise in order to monkey branch. Though in even that I think I was in denial because entrenched in an affair I was doing nothing proactive to make any real decision about the marriage itself. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had grand illusions of thinking that if I did it "right" that noone would have to know about the infidelity. I know now that I was hoping leave without ever telling the truth and that leads into what OIN says that follows:

Exit affairs are part of a WS's toxic FOO, they are not solutions to unhappy marriages. The WS often thinks so and leaves, but it solves nothing. Our issues with being happy or unhappy with ourselves and/or the people in our lives begin and end with us: how we act, what we allow, the choices we make, the internal dialogue with ourselves. If the M was toxic and the WS strong and healthy, they would never seek out a new R before addressing and working on the one they are in. Healthy people spend a lot of time looking inward, communicating better, learning better habits before they say goodbye to an M. That is the healthy way to address marital issues. An exit A is a mirage, a shell game, a magic trick; I pretend and convince this truth is happening (better R! Yippee!) to avoid acknowledging that this other truth is what is really happening (Don't want to look at myself! Too much brokenness and shame!). It's sad.

Very well stated, and I do agree with this and this being my experience. It absolutely was a shell game.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:09 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

My XGF had and exit affair but did not know it. It hurt like hell. I can still remember how I felt - exactly - when I caught her with another girl. It left me with scars I will carry to the grave.

But it was an exit affair because, I would not then nor would I now, stay with a cheater. While I am happy for the couples who reconcile and admire their strength and commitment - it is something I could never do. We had 6 years of a good relationship. I would have married her had same sex marriage been legal.

But now - she blew all that away in one #$@!%%$^ night.

Peace...

[This message edited by NeverTwice at 2:12 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

I don't think it's often that people make the active choice to go looking for a replacement they can leave for before they find that person. The rest of the time the exit idea comes after they think they have found someone "better" - whatever their definition of better may be and eventually they decide to leave. The exit idea is often subconscious at first.

I agree with this as well. I didn't actively go looking for a replacement at all, and if I had really been looking it probably wouldn't have been the AP. Most of this was subconscious or some fleeting thoughts mixed in. Nothing was concrete, there was no plan. It started as a temporary escape that I eventually wished could become permanent. My affair didn't last long enough for any of this to really come into fruition, but I did believe my narrative by the time it ended of having met the "soul mate" hook, line, and sinker.

The relational equivalent of suicide by cop?

These answers don't take into account Cluster B personality disorders (people who are narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths, etc.) and assume that exit affairs are a rational response to a bad relationship, whether actual or perceived. Sometimes people have just found a new source of narcissistic supply, so they discard the old one without thinking twice. In a lot of cases, the cheater doesn't recognize the humanity of anyone that isn't them.

I think that is likely a more common explanation for the exit affair than anything that has been discussed so far in this thread.

I personally feel many maybe even most affairs are likely because of mental issues either permanent or temporary. I just don't see how a person thinking normally can do the mental gymnastics needed to be okay with cheating on their partner. Then add in all the typical WS behavior post DDay and you have some seriously messed up thinking.

I am glad you asked this question.

I think all the responses are true and correct.

So when the WS wants back in after the Exit Affair is over?

Does a cake eating, narcissistic serial cheater ever EXIT for good?

It’s difficult to understand why the WS would do this, but my WH wants another rug swept reconciliation.

Maybe he’s not done. His last Exit was a Wrong Way Go Back kind of EXIT.

I have shown him the Emergency Exits, But he keeps running back into the burning building.

Think of the monkey swinging from tree to tree. They don't turn loose of one vine before they have a firm grasp on the next.

Simplistic analogy, but with rare exceptions, the truth.

My husband was having an exit affair. He set up his side life with OW so, when the time would be right, he could leave and carry on with her (runs with the OW, included her with our kids ie meeting her, sending and forwarding all the pics I would send him, telling her if a kid got hurt etc). He was also very interested in her extended family. Had she not had cold feet when he told her I was divorcing him, he would have been shacking up with her, no doubt. He had no interest in being with me and found somebody more suited. It was easy, he would slag me off and pretend to be so unhappy and be so happy with the OW. He even told her about a small argument we had one night, that he started, and made as if it went on the whole frigging night and even in the morning, kinda we were at each other throat. It was not like that at all. A lot of times I was wondering how the fuck I managed to upset him or what did I do wrong. Well, now I know why.

Even when I offered that we reconcile, he wanted to be single anyway.

His criticism of whatever I was doing were always in front of the kids. He made sure they all knew he was not happy with me, and of course never talked about the OW. So the stage was set, really. I would have been blamed for him wanting to be out, for shopping at the wrong shop or making bad jokes or him being uncomfortable because I asked a handyman for a quote, and nothing about him having an affair and leaving the babies behind (kids were 1, 3 and 5). He was fine putting all the blame on me so he wouldn't look like a bad dad or bad husband. He was more interested in getting his ducks in a row that year than being with me and the kids anyway, it's so obvious now. Just taging along, texting the OW at every opportunity, not giving a fuck with what was happening.

But like everybody said, he was monkey branching. Just a small ding in the plan when I got on that he was having an affair. Otherwise he would have left me high and dry.