SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

78Monte,

I am sorry, but I wouldn't. I am not the one who betrayed anybody, my boundaries are sound, her's is demonstrably not.

This is not a case of what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

This is simply consequences of actions.

My wife made me give up all my female friends on fb after her affair.

I didn't make my WH do this other than the APs he was friends with on Facebook. He did it on his own. However now he does talk to me before accepting a friend request from women. If they're not people he is really friends with, or if they're friends with an AP, IMO he doesn't need to be friends with them on Facebook.

[This message edited by landclark at 12:41 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

This is a prime area for betrayal breeding grounds. The W/H is unhappy and you're in a dry spell so they seem down to their OS friend and they establish an emotional connection and even if it doesn't lead to a PA, it takes away from you natural affections and makes matters worse.

Unfortunately I think It can end up turning out bad. It’s too easy to become flirty which doesn’t always work out well. Been there done this. This is what got my marriage in trouble. Never will happen again

I respectfully have a different opinion.

I will never give up any type of friend, same or different gender for anyone...unless they behave inappropriately. And to me, friendship with someone of the opposite gender is not inappropriate simply on the basis of gender.

It doesn’t seem natural to me (for me - not speaking for anyone else) that social interactions should exclude 1/2 of the population.

I don’t mean to suggest that I would choose a friend over my husband, but I would hope that I would have the wisdom and selectivity to choose a husband that would not ask me to make that sacrifice for him. Although my husband should be the MOST IMPORTANT male in my life, I don’t feel that he should be the ONLY male in my life.

JMHO

Of course, the above I guess is a perfect scenario situation. In post infidelity, obviously peoples opinions and suspicions and insecurities may change.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:50 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

When I was 17 I was close friends with a married couple. They were both age nineteen. I worked with the husband and often came over to their home to party.

One night I was over at their house, with a girl I was seeing at the time. We were playing cards. I was wearing short pants. After a couple of hours I suddenly felt a hand go up inside my shorts. It was my friend's wife and she was groping me.

It was a shock.

As there was lots of alcohol involved, I kinda passed it off as the actions of a drunk. But, I did tell me GF and discussed it with my friend later.

I am still friends with this couple today. But, I exercise extreme caution around her and won't spend time alone with her. I learned a good lesson from that experience.

For me I won't have female friends that communicate with me solo. Why tempt fate?

But what fate are you tempting? That you would succumb to her advance if you were alone with her again? Or tempting the fate of her hitting on you? Because whether you're alone with her or not, she's the type of person who would hit on you. That isn't about you.

I have to be honest, if I were on a date and the man told me he wouldn't have female friends because he didn't want to tempt fate, I would call that a blazing red flag and get up and leave.

*Posting as a Member*

I suppose this gets back to the issue of boundaries. If this is a boundary, it should be explained and agreed upon early in the relationship and before marriage if possible.

This^^^. Some people have strong boundaries and some do not. It's not fair (IMHO) to paint everyone with the same broad brush.

Personally, I've worked in a very male dominated industry for, oh, about 25 years now. I've had several colleagues that became good friends over the years. I've also got several good friends that I've had since high school (a couple since elementary school as I was very much a tomboy having grown up with only older brothers). I've met them at bars here and there over the years to catch up on things and chit chat. Only a handful of female friends. Not ONCE have I ever looked at any of them and thought, "Ya know, I'd really like to bang this one!" Gross. They're like brothers to me! Nor have ANY of them ever hit on me. They know better! After well over 50 years, this is not going to change as it is part of my core values. There is no slippery slope for me, and if anyone thinks otherwise, they don't know me.

Xhole knew this and had no problem with any of it. He knew he could trust me. *I* knew I could trust me.

However, Xhole obviously did not have those same boundaries, even though he proclaimed he did. Which were lies, and therein is the problem. He lied about his weak boundaries. I trusted him based on those lies. Had he been honest and said, "I know me, and I know I can't look at a woman without wondering how I can get in her pants. I don't trust me around the opposite sex so you shouldn't trust me with them either." What a difference such an honest statement would have made!!

Boundaries, honesty, and integrity. Some people have them and honor them, and some don't.

I have to be honest, if I were on a date and the man told me he wouldn't have female friends because he didn't want to tempt fate, I would call that a blazing red flag and get up and leave.

I have female friends, but I also have strong boundaries.

I totally agree landclark. Most people today have no boundaries or morals

But what fate are you tempting? That you would succumb to her advance if you were alone with her again? Or tempting the fate of her hitting on you? Because whether you're alone with her or not, she's the type of person who would hit on you. That isn't about you.

Seventeen-years-old males have a difficult time when a female has their hand wrapped around their manhood.

The fate I am talking about is putting myself in any situation that could go south. I don't cheat. Part of that success is not engaging in behaviors that can lead to an affair.

As for the afore mentioned woman, we are friends to this day, but I don't think I'd sit near her after she's had a few drinks.

While this isn't about me, I still try to make good choices.

I have female friends, but I also have strong boundaries.

That's all it requires. That, and good character. You've got those, so no worries. I would understand you not being alone with this particular woman because of her lack of boundaries and you not wanting to deal with that nonsense which would absolutely cause drama with her husband even if you did absolutely nothing inappropriate around her. I don't want to be around a married person who would paw me like that. It's assault for one, and gross for another.

It was the tempting fate phrase that gave me pause. I don't believe that you were saying what I worried about. I do say that if I heard that from a man on a date, all I'd be thinking is that he just pre-emptively gave me his excuse for cheating when it inevitably happens.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 1:24 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

It was the tempting fate phrase that gave me pause. I don't believe that you were saying what I worried about. I do say that if I heard that from a man on a date, all I'd be thinking is that he just pre-emptively gave me his excuse for cheating when it inevitably happens.

Thanks DD. I am intrigued by your comment. I can't imagine anyone opening up with "no friends of the opposite sex" on a date. But somewhere along the line it may be a topic of discussion.

Im with Dee on this , normal people have mixed gender friends and dont hit on them at all

Once a spouse has cheated -however - thats v different

Im with Dee on this , normal people have mixed gender friends and dont hit on them at all

Once a spouse has cheated -however - thats v different

I don't necessarily disagree with Dee, but I do think that there are a wide variety of problems that can come about when people in a relationship have friends of the opposite sex. Affairs, jealousy, etc.

When my ex cared about the marriage, she was very transparent about any male acquaintances and their role, if any, in her life.

I don't have a lot of friends, period. Most, if not all, women that have befriended me have probably "wanted more." Just reality. Not some super stud here, just when I was single, the ones who liked having conversations with me... I saw the picture.

On the other side of it, I commiserated with a couple of female friends/acquaintances after my divorce. This is how the AP got into my marriage, by "reigniting an old friendship." This is how ahole guys have affairs with women they know. Just start talking, develop intimacy that way. I could see it in my situations, just keep up the contact, put out a trial balloon, try enough times, and you're going to get some sweet A sex.

This does not mean you can never talk to someone of the opposite gender, but the boundaries are different than with same sex.

My ex had female friends she'd see weekly. They were not a threat to the marriage. But there are same sex friendships that can be threats. A divorced woman who will influence other women to get divorced too so she has company. (Another factor in my marriage.) Men who go out together to get drunk and hit on women. That's a different issue though.

Of course, the above I guess is a perfect scenario situation. In post infidelity, obviously peoples opinions and suspicions and insecurities may change.

So true, WhatsRight. Post infidelity may force changes to pre infidelity securities, loyalties, friendships, trust etc.etc. I changed as a BS and it forced changes to FWH.

The consequences or fall outs of the affair are such, that what was insignificant with friendships of the opposite sex pre-affair, has now shifted to being quite significant post affair. The loss of innocence, sort of.

This is such an interesting post, really like it but I have a question for Dee and Jana (first name of my favorite country artist by the way)

What if the man in your life doesn't want female friends? What if the only woman he really wants in his life is you, does that give you pause on the relationship?

36 yr gone

Imo problem friends are friends who encourage bad behaviors and outright infidelity - typically they are same gender friends and a big threat to any marriage

Noone can expect their spouse to have zero friends so we all have to assume that a non cheater has the maturity to see when their friends ( of any gender ) become toxic