SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

whensenough posted 3/28/2013 01:36 AM

Idk what to say. Just need moral support and comfort. I haven't been here in 5 mths. I thought I was recovering. I thought we were recovering. I believed all the "she was nobody" and "if it happens it would never be with her."Actually I knew something was going on. I never stopped trusting my intuition. Still hurts. Just didn't think it would be the same woman. ...if that doesn't break a person idk what does!?! How could he see the devastation it caused once and do it again? I feel lower than dirt and more unloved than ever before. I was actually finally starting to begin to heal from the original affair with her that " ended" in June 2012 with no help from him. Now I'm worst off than the first time! I need advice on positive ways to handle myself. No point in holding on to the relationship cause ill never be able to trust him again. Our 4th kid is due in may so I need to be strong as possible for the child in my tummy and my other 3. They are my world and I won't let him hurt or ruin them like he's done me.

RidingHealingRd posted 3/28/2013 01:47 AM

{{{whensenough}}}

My heart hurts for you and your little ones. I have not experienced false R so I am sorry but do not have any insight to share. I can only image how devastating this must be.

Do you have family/close friends you can turn to? Gather strength from those in your life that truly love you.

Take care of YOU and your children..that's what matters.

Wishing you strength.

aesir posted 3/28/2013 01:47 AM

That final straw is a huge shock, but based on my own experience, you can move through all of the stages towards recovery much faster. You already worked through the initial shock, came to a lot of the important realizations about yourself, your WSO, and the relationship.

I have no particular memories of the shock, trauma, or recovery from my STBXWW's last affair discovery, but I know it all happened. I had no children with her, so it was probably easier than yours will be, but it was very rapid in the grand scheme of things.

myheadreallyhurt posted 3/28/2013 04:51 AM

I'm so sorry. I'm right there with you unfortunately. Third baby due in May and a WH who false R'ed since last summer. It really, really sucks. I'm not sure what efforts your WS is making right now but I'm sure, like me, you're feeling the huge time constraint of a new baby coming very soon. Just try to focus on taking care of yourself. My WH said all the same things last summer about her being nothing. Now he's left our kids and I for her (for the 2nd time). I'm trying to focus squarely on the joy of the new baby, I'm so scared that this whole drama is going to ruin that amazing moment when he is born and I meet him for the first time. I wish I had some advice but I can offer hugs. One step at a time.

whensenough posted 3/28/2013 07:54 AM

Thanks you guys for the support. He just unproved everything he was suppose to prove. Going through the grief again Maybe got 2 hrs of sleep. All I want to do a let this go. I'm afraid I will get sucked back into the lies again. There's no point because after the deception that has occurred I can never trust him. I just never wanna go back down this road again. I'd rather be single to the rest of my life.

7yrsflushed posted 3/28/2013 08:06 AM

That final straw is a huge shock, but based on my own experience, you can move through all of the stages towards recovery much faster. You already worked through the initial shock, came to a lot of the important realizations about yourself, your WSO, and the relationship.

^^^This. Yes it's a new dday coupled with the realization that you were in false R if you considered yourself to be in R. It's sucks hard but I believe you will find that while the new discovery hurts worse than the first, you may cycle through the initial feelings faster.

Now you have seen what he truly values and can make decisions a lot easier. If you thinking of D then focus on the 180 so you can take care of yourself and yoru children. He has shown you who is is so believe him and take back control of your life.

Also you may not believe it now but it will be much harder for him to suck you back in with his lies because as soon as you start to wonder you WILL remember this latest episode. So start the 180 again and focus completely on you and your children. Try not to even focus on what he says or does.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 3/28/2013 08:11 AM

I'm afraid I will get sucked back into the lies again.

Be strong! He has had 4+ affairs? Whensenough? When you say it's enough.

He can do it again and again and again because it sounds like he hasn't done any of the work to figure it out for himself. He can say "sorry" all he wants, but until he does the deep digging, to his core, to fix what is broken in him, he won't change.

Read about the 180 in the healing library. It will help you detach and become stronger for you.

It's #11 at this link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

TrustGone posted 3/28/2013 09:16 AM

Yes. The second DDay sucks. To me it was worse than the first and has really taken a toll on me. When they cheat on you with the same person I think that hurts worse because they can no longer say it meant nothing. The emotional part of the affair is now harder to accept than the physical part. At least thats the way I have felt after DDay#2 with the same skank.

I wished I had known about SI on the second DDay. It shows me now where I went wrong. Yes, I did lay down boundaries and insist on NC, I also insisted that he attend IC to find out what the hell was wrong with him to think that he could do this horrible thing to me again.

My problem was that I should have kicked him out then and let his actions prove he wanted me and this marriage. I knew in my mind he wasn't going to follow through with all his promises, but my heart didn't want to believe it. I was right he did not follow through on anything he promised except his phone and pay check stub. He attended 3 counciling sessions and then stopped going. He said they didn't have anything else to talk about. He slowed his drinking down for about a week and went right back to it. He refuses to discuss the affair at all and thinks our life shuld just go back to normal now since he is not cheating on me. I don't know if he is or if he isn't.

I know I can't live like this forever, but have decided on a few things to work towards before filing for D. It is for me, not for him. I am no longer in love with him, that died after DDay#2 and his rug sweeping for the last 7 months.

I am glad you have SI. Please listen to the advice you are given. His actions speak louder than words. You now know what he is capable of and know you can't trust him. I guess I sort of look at it with the mindset that relationships are built on trust and when thats gone what do you really have.

Just think about you and the baby and other children now. Undoubtably he is not worried because he felt the urge to continue the affair for his own selfish needs. Do not let him suck you back into this relationship. He has some major problems that he needs to address. ((HUGS))

whensenough posted 3/28/2013 11:40 AM

I'm so devastated. I wanted this so bad we recently got a new house a new car. I thought we would eventually get better and for sure I was. Deep down all the signs were there. I knew something was going on but with the same woman who was "nobody"?! Thats the killer. He is begging and pleading of course. Telling me all the things I heard the last time and believed. The last time I found out about this woman I tried to take my life. I walked around like a zombie for 3 mths I quit my job and I had finally turned into a normal human being again maybe a mth or so ago. He hasn't been remorseful. He's a narcissist. A addict who I thought was recovering and when we went to rehab the counselor told him he was a sex addict. Somehow I really thought he would change. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. I thought he loved our family enough to not destroy us.

tushnurse posted 3/28/2013 12:05 PM

(((Whens))))
Please please please know that NO man is worth your life. YOu are a mother and those kiddos need you more than any other human on earth.
He has clearly made his choices. It may be time for you to make yours. Be strong for yourself and your kids. Seriously read and follow 180 so you can make some decisions for yourself based on what YOU need.
You can do this, and you will do this, and on the other side you will be impressed by how awesome you can be.
((((and strength))))

callmecrazy posted 3/28/2013 12:12 PM

What an ASS! I really get upset with these WH's who have a prenant wife! You are putting 2 innocent people at a great risk if you get/give your BS an STD on top of obviously not supporting your wife like she needs during pregnancy.
Please stay healthy and focus on your little ones. I hope you have a good support group and if not, I encourage you to find some loved ones/great friends to help you through this.
HUGS

whensenough posted 3/28/2013 14:08 PM

Thanks everyone your love and support have helped me through this first day so much.

Callmecrazy I know my intuition doesn't lie so I actually stopped having sec with him a couple a mths ago. Except maybe once on valentines day.

I will be greatly needing the support of the members here to not go back to him. That's all I'm focused on but its tempting. I know I have co dependency issues and I was not able to 180 the first time. This time I thinkit possible.

easiersaid posted 3/29/2013 10:22 AM

Something I picked up here that has been so helpful: you didn't cause his affairs, can't control him, can't cure him. Take care of you and your kids and know we are all rooting for you!