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slo2005 posted 4/12/2013 22:19 PM

It has been 3 weeks since DDay. I have had several affairs throughout our marriage and all were recently revealed. It was ben really hard to see him in so much pain, but he has decided that he wants to see if we can work on our marriage. He has not made a definite decision yet. I have went over every detail I can remember. He still does not remember, and that is understandable, but he makes me go through the details about a different guy every morning even though I have done it already. I don't care that he does it if it is going to help, but I do not see how it will help our recovery if we keep going over the same things and never moving forward. I am not saying to move on or forget. That will never really happen, but to continue to go over every detail every day over and over seems counter productive. I have deleted my Facebook, twitter, myspace, changed my emails, and my phone number. I go to school, grocery store, and home. I haven't asked to visit with any friends and my phone and his phone charge together. He checks my phone and computer everyday when he gets home. I am started IC and I started going to church. I have been reading A Wife After Gods own heart and The Bible. I also bought him A Husband After Gods Own Heart. We both keep journals and write our feelings in them. Nothing hurtful or negative, and we leave them around in order for us to be able to read them. They have been the best. With all the negativity in the home, it is nice to read about all the thing he still loves about me. One issue I have is that he has parental controls on my computer now. It is really weird. He said it keeps me from facetime, but it also keeps me form other websites that I would like to view. I tried to go on a fashion blog and for some reason I was blocked. I am also in Nursing school and it blocks me from a lot of sites when I am trying to do research. He said it was too early for me to ask him to remove the block. So this problems I am trying to understand now is my parental block issue and the daily story sessions about my affairs. What do you think?

Aubrie posted 4/12/2013 22:37 PM

Alot of Waywards have an issue with rehashing the details over and over. Here's the thing though.

Our A/As are a massive trauma to them. As they are listening, a part of their brain is screaming, "No, no, noooooo, this can't be true. Surely not. They wouldn't hurt me this way. Why? What!?" Our BS is in shock, denial, horror. Their emotions are completely overwhelmed. They ask us so many times because they might not actually hear it clearly with the million other thoughts in their mind. It may not register to them. They ask to remember and process it.

Tell him as many times as he needs. It will take time, but eventually he will ask less and less questions.

Have you written a timeline of your A/As for him? Try writing it all out for him so he can see it in black and white. That may help him too.

As far as the parental controls...I don't know.

Was your A carried out online?

slo2005 posted 4/12/2013 22:56 PM

It is embarrassing to say but there were multiple guys and facetime was involved. That is why the parental controls are on. I thought about writing a timeline, but I do not remember some of the details he may need which is also embarrassing to actually say out loud. I will do anything to make our marriage work. I love him so much. I am going to IC to help explain my why. I know some it has to do with my past. I was molested when I was younger. My first experience with sexual contact was not one that was positive. I have never seen sex as an emotional connection. The difference with my H and the other men, is that I loved my husband. Unfortunately our sex life didnt incorporate emotions. There was no touching or loving before or after. He said he wanted it, we did it and went our separate ways. With my A's, because it was new all of that stuff was there. When the newness wore off, i got bored and stopped seeing them. My family also does not have a good track record with marriage. Both my mom and older sister have been divorced multiple times. My mom's recent separation was because her husband sexually assaulted me. I never had a good look into a healthy marriage. I based what marriage was on television and movies which is unrealistic i know. When i didn't get that from my marriage, i was upset and started not to care. so there was a combination of not respecting myself or my marriage. I am working on myself now and hopefully it will help heal our marriage and he will keep me around.

knightsbff posted 4/12/2013 23:38 PM

Hi Slo,
It's common for a BS to need the details repeated many times. Part of recovering from this trauma is to accept what has happened in their relationship without their knowledge or consent. It's impossible to accept something that they don't understand.

We (WSes) were there. We experienced it so we know what happened. Our BSes need to come to terms with what happened as an early step in recovery.

Keep being patient. Don't get defensive. (It sounds like you are doing a good job on this.)

As for the parental controls. I would be inclined to agree to whatever he needs to feel safe. He probably feels powerless and like his life is out of control.

Maybe he could help you get to the sites you need for school and you could live without any others for now?

Edit to fix typos

[This message edited by knightsbff at 11:40 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

isadora posted 4/13/2013 08:21 AM

It has only been a few weeks, your BH's safe world now has been blown to bits and he is frantically trying to pick up the pirces and he doesn't understand where they go. He is in shock. I know in my sitch, I couldn't remember anything in the first few weeks.

A 2-5 year recovery period from an A is not uncommon. I am almost 3 years out and almost 2 years out from his last lie. It takes time.

I would also recommend reading Linda McDonalds book "How to help my spouse heal from my affair"

Good Luck

wifehad5 posted 4/13/2013 13:09 PM

Hi slo

What you describe is very similar to how we were in the beginning. A big part of the problem for me as a BS is that what she was telling me was so far from what I thought of as reality that it just didn't sink in for a while. Talking about it helped more than you can imagine. Let him work through it

Ultimately a she did write out the entire story, but talking it out first was important.

heforgotme posted 4/13/2013 13:17 PM

I do not see how it will help our recovery if we keep going over the same things

This is not only common, but according to our MC, necessary. And I don't mean to sound discouraging, but at only 3 weeks out, you have only just dipped your toe into this. It will go on for some time, as it takes 2-5 years to recover from this.

For me, I kept asking over and over bc nothing made sense. I guess I thought that if I kept asking I would eventually uncover the "magic piece" that made everything make sense.

At this point I have realized that most of this will never make sense. I think most As don't. I still question sometimes, but at this point it is mostly curiosity. I don't have the same urgent need to know that I used to bc I know I am never going to really figure it out. But this takes time.

wincings_sparkle posted 4/14/2013 06:01 AM

Write the details out and that way, you both can refer to it in the future as needed.

With the parental control block, ask him to allow the sites needed for research/school. You/he should be able to allow specifice sites such as libraries and schools. Do any other research at the library or computer lab.

(How do you have time to look at a fashion site while in Nursing school. That is eye boggling. I didn't have time to eat, let alone surf.)

Good luck.

aesir posted 4/14/2013 14:05 PM

Okay, a couple of theories on the repeated details... both of which have validity, and can both be going on at the same time.

First, like WH5 said, is that the whole story is so far from what was believed previously that it just can't be accepted the first (or 15th) time through.

Second, if so much that seemed true before was in fact a lie, how does one know that the present story is true? By hearing it lots of times, in different ways, that are all consistent.

As for the parental controls blocking access, that can come up because of any number of things. A poorly encoded parental control may have blocked the fashion blog because it made a reference to [bold]sex[/bold]y shoes. It likely blocks medical websites due to graphic content including gore, or sections on STD's or reproduction or explicit anatomical photos and such, or just hitting keywords in the filter.

If this is interfering with your education, you could point this out and suggest some sort of compromise like removing facetime and installing a keylogger instead of the parental controls.

Not personally a fan of parental controls, as a proper adult should not need them to behave appropriately. Eventually they come off or the computer is replaced, and you either are mature enough that it doesn't matter, or... Kinda like when people go to jail, they may not rob liquor stores while in jail, but when they get out, either they have learned not to, or they do...
He would be much better off in the long run if the two of you develop something to restore trust so that he knows he does not need to worry in the future than having something to enforce compliance now.

Just some random thoughts on this, check my tagline for details.

Daisy312 posted 4/14/2013 14:54 PM

I read once that A's are like a puzzle with a piece missing for the BH. You see, you know everything from your relationship with your H and the other men. He doesn't. He only has what he thought he had and now knows it was lies. By rehashing the details it helps him put the puzzle back together. Also like the other poster the consistent responses are probably allowing him to believe you. So really think when you respond and make sure you are consistent because if small details are changing all credibility will be lost.

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