Our A/As are a massive trauma to them. As they are listening, a part of their brain is screaming, "No, no, noooooo, this can't be true. Surely not. They wouldn't hurt me this way. Why? What!?" Our BS is in shock, denial, horror. Their emotions are completely overwhelmed. They ask us so many times because they might not actually hear it clearly with the million other thoughts in their mind. It may not register to them. They ask to remember and process it.
Tell him as many times as he needs. It will take time, but eventually he will ask less and less questions.
Have you written a timeline of your A/As for him? Try writing it all out for him so he can see it in black and white. That may help him too.
As far as the parental controls...I don't know.
Was your A carried out online?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
We (WSes) were there. We experienced it so we know what happened. Our BSes need to come to terms with what happened as an early step in recovery.
Keep being patient. Don't get defensive. (It sounds like you are doing a good job on this.)
As for the parental controls. I would be inclined to agree to whatever he needs to feel safe. He probably feels powerless and like his life is out of control.
Maybe he could help you get to the sites you need for school and you could live without any others for now?
Edit to fix typos
[This message edited by knightsbff at 11:40 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
A 2-5 year recovery period from an A is not uncommon. I am almost 3 years out and almost 2 years out from his last lie. It takes time.
I would also recommend reading Linda McDonalds book "How to help my spouse heal from my affair"
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
What you describe is very similar to how we were in the beginning. A big part of the problem for me as a BS is that what she was telling me was so far from what I thought of as reality that it just didn't sink in for a while. Talking about it helped more than you can imagine. Let him work through it
Ultimately a she did write out the entire story, but talking it out first was important.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I do not see how it will help our recovery if we keep going over the same things
This is not only common, but according to our MC, necessary. And I don't mean to sound discouraging, but at only 3 weeks out, you have only just dipped your toe into this. It will go on for some time, as it takes 2-5 years to recover from this.
For me, I kept asking over and over bc nothing made sense. I guess I thought that if I kept asking I would eventually uncover the "magic piece" that made everything make sense.
At this point I have realized that most of this will never make sense. I think most As don't. I still question sometimes, but at this point it is mostly curiosity. I don't have the same urgent need to know that I used to bc I know I am never going to really figure it out. But this takes time.
With the parental control block, ask him to allow the sites needed for research/school. You/he should be able to allow specifice sites such as libraries and schools. Do any other research at the library or computer lab.
(How do you have time to look at a fashion site while in Nursing school. That is eye boggling. I didn't have time to eat, let alone surf.)
First, like WH5 said, is that the whole story is so far from what was believed previously that it just can't be accepted the first (or 15th) time through.
Second, if so much that seemed true before was in fact a lie, how does one know that the present story is true? By hearing it lots of times, in different ways, that are all consistent.
As for the parental controls blocking access, that can come up because of any number of things. A poorly encoded parental control may have blocked the fashion blog because it made a reference to [bold]sex[/bold]y shoes. It likely blocks medical websites due to graphic content including gore, or sections on STD's or reproduction or explicit anatomical photos and such, or just hitting keywords in the filter.
If this is interfering with your education, you could point this out and suggest some sort of compromise like removing facetime and installing a keylogger instead of the parental controls.
Not personally a fan of parental controls, as a proper adult should not need them to behave appropriately. Eventually they come off or the computer is replaced, and you either are mature enough that it doesn't matter, or... Kinda like when people go to jail, they may not rob liquor stores while in jail, but when they get out, either they have learned not to, or they do...
He would be much better off in the long run if the two of you develop something to restore trust so that he knows he does not need to worry in the future than having something to enforce compliance now.
Just some random thoughts on this, check my tagline for details.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.