SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hurtininHouston posted 5/13/2013 14:36 PM

Be patient with me I don't know all the lingo. With my wife drunk and tired, she falls asleep. Her phone is in her hand and dings with a text. I so she won't wake up will click her phone. There it is. Text after text, I love you, my soul burns for you, can we meet in a week. On and on. Married for 14 years and together for 16, two kids. Great sex life, dates, communication. Of course the usual bumps. It hits me in the face. All the deep comments and texts to someone else. This was my soulmate. We met in two far flung places on earth 3 years apart. it was meant to be. Forever. It has been three weeks. I from our first day married said I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. Once it finally happened, I had to fully analyze my whole thinking process. This is the woman I have loved almost half my life. She is my partner and best friend. I committed to her for better or for worse. Is this worse. I guess so. I have stayed and want to work on it. She quit the A and stopped all contact. She mostly opened everything to be transparent. But it bugs her when I do check up on things. Phone, records, $$. She is of the mindset that let's get things back to normal. You should get over it. She is guilty, she is remorseful somewhat. Mother's day was great. We had the best day. Our kids were happy. We had made a pact not to talk about it. After two bottles of wine, she couldn't keep that pact. She started to blame me. It was things I had done long ago that started it. Lost my job in sept. and that precipitated it. She had the gall to say it was 50% my fault. I left and drove for an hour. My daughter was bawling. My wife has since said, it is her fault. She is sorry. She wants to make it work. It was the wine talking. I feel there is so much truth behind that wine. What do I do. Do I stay and work on it. Do I take it. I love her deeply but now I find out she has been charging the credit cards for the past 8 months to the tune of $10,000k. Now we are really in debt. Angry, Confused, hurt, hurt and more hurt. I know she is deflecting because she is wracked with guilt. I feel she really cant' believe she did it. And of course she Affaired down. What a goon. I have gotten my mental images slightly under control. The library helped immensely. I like the thought of our last enjoyable time. Or my kids laughing.
We have gotten to the hysterical bonding. Man I thought we were good before. Another topic. Sorry. I just don't know what to do. I don't know that I can afford to move out, get a lawyer and all that. How do I do that. Yet I love her and my family.
On and on and on .....sorry thanks for listening to my very first rant. This place helps a lot.
hurtinHouston

me BS 42
her WW 39
2 kids 10, and 11
DDay 4/13/13 what a shitty day

luv_lost posted 5/13/2013 14:43 PM

(((hurtin)))

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. SI is a wonderful place to find support and I'm so glad you are here.

Your WW blaming you is low and wrong. Has she shown you any proof NC has been initiated? Has she disclosed the full account fo the A yet, or is it alot of TT (trickle truth)?

lieshurt posted 5/13/2013 14:46 PM

Welcome, from one Houstonian to another!

The good thing is that you don't have to make a decision today. Whether or not you can reconcile largely depends on your WS (wayward spouse) and whether she is truly remorseful. Resentment for having to be transparent isn't remorseful. Blaming you isn't remorseful. She's going to have to truly own her choices, face them and do the hard work necessary to figure out why she did what she did. Above all, she has to tell the truth when you have questions. Lying is what kills most marriages after an affair, not the affair itself. Also, she can't expect to get things back to normal. There is no normal now. She changed that. It takes 2 to 5 years to come to terms with betrayal. She's going to have to accept that in order to help you heal.

Have you both been tested for STD's? If not, you need to. Don't wait on that.

Anyhow, keep posting. We'll help as much as we can. You are amongst friends here.

aesir posted 5/13/2013 14:48 PM

First thing you have to do is understand that you don't have to do anything. You can take your time to process this, and observe her behavior and reactions. It is actually recommended not to make any irrevocable decisions for the first 6 months to a year after finding out. Your feelings will be all over the map for a while.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 5/13/2013 14:48 PM

Sorry you are here brother. Your story and mine are quite similar. Check out my profile, the stories will match up. (click the smiley face on my post--it takes you to the profile).

So sorry you are here. My wife did the same shit when her affair was discovered. It was all my fault, I could never make her feel as special as him...yadda yadda. What a bunch of horseshit.

It is really amazing the cruel shit that can come out of their mouth to try to justify their affair. Keep in mind, she has been justifying this shit for a long time...it has to be your fault, after all, she could never see herself as a homewrecking immoral whore right? So it must have been special, or your damn fault.

I also have bad news for you. There is no going back to normal, ever. Those special vows you took when you got married...blowed the fuck up.

Ya can't go back to normal, because in your normal, you had a loving committed marriage, you were married to a person who would always have your back and who sure as hell wouldn't be having sex with other people. You can't go back to normal, because as it turns out...that was a lie.

It's o.k. to be all over the place at a month out. I was...I really went nuts at about 8 months. This shit is hard. It doesn't just go back to normal.

Start posting..other people who are much smarter than I are around to offer more advice.

Be vigilant. These things go underground a lot.

Talk to a lawyer, you need to know what your options are.

This sucks. Sorry you are here, but you couldn't have found a better place.

1Faith posted 5/13/2013 14:52 PM

Hurtin

So sorry you are here but we want you to know that this is a safe place. Everyone here cares and wants to help others navigate this nightmare.

It is just now one month out. It is still all very raw and new for you. You mind can't not absorb the reality of what has happened.

I will speak from experience with regard to "wine talk"...

It is not a good thing. Yes, it let's down the guard but boy can it get ugly fast. Then that adds on more fear, hurt and guilt. In my case it usually comes from me the BS. When the wine flows then I tend to lash out and am mean and hurtful.

Try and talk without alcohol. I say try bc I know it is not always easy.

It is time for you to lay down your boundaries of what it is YOU want. What YOU need to consider full reconciliation and what YOU WILL NOT tolerate going forward. Get the credit in check now. That will only add to the stress.

It is not your fault your spouse chose to cheat. It is not regardless of her reasons.

One day at a time. Have you thought of IC and MC?

(((hugs)))

tushnurse posted 5/13/2013 15:00 PM

Please read the healing library, know that this is not your fault. No matter what she says.

She sounds like she is still feeling foggy blaming you, getting angry when you check up. Too Bad. This usually indicates they are sorry they were caught not sorry for what they were doing. There is a big difference and early in R it is hard for either of you to understand the difference.

Read read read, post post post, Great people who have Been there done that surround you here.

((((and strength))))

hurtininHouston posted 5/13/2013 15:06 PM

It has been a week with no big tears, and I sit here I am blubbering like an idiot. it just hurts so bad. She has come clean with everything. I talk to the OM and told him to leave my WW the F@$K alone. I have access to her phone computer, bank and all. She had gone out and bought a new phone thinking I was going to cut hers off. After the firt MC we left, and she said, today I bought this. I wanted you to know, cause I don't want to lie. I have already asked all the nitty gritty details. My mind movies were horrible. She has said some things that I think were placating to me, but she insists that everything she told me was the truth. The sad thing is the day she left to "meet" him for their 1 night, I had taken her to lunch that day, and then bought her clothes to wear to visit her "sister". That hurts. I did not remember that till I looked at my bank records today. I am trying to make myself believe that her blaming me is her unbelievable guilt. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel better.

NewMom0220 posted 5/13/2013 17:30 PM

She is blaming you because it makes her feel better about herself and the shitty choices she has made. Don't buy into it..not for a minute. Did you have a perfect marriage? No, no one does. Were you the perfect husband? No, there is no such thing! Does that mean she is justified in cheating on you? Absolutely not!!!!

At least she realizes that blaming you is the wrong approach...my unremorseful WS is still blaming me almost 3 months past Dday.

Don't think about moving out or lawyers just yet. Just take it one day at a time. Also, she is the one who cheated, why would you leave? You stay there with your feet firmly planted and don't you move. She is the one who needs to start figuring this stuff out. She should be the one asking what she should be doing. You just continue to be a good father and start doing things for you. Things that make you happy. Go for a jog...do something away from her that doesn't involve her or checking up on her. Just find one little thing that you can do each day...you will still be thinking of her and this situation, but just give yourself a little space away from her and each day you will feel stronger and stronger.

What is totally unfair about our WS is that they've had all of this time to start detaching from us. By the time we find out they've already cut us off emotionally. While we are totally and completely blindsided and reeling from learning about the A, they've already lived it. It's so hard when you think that the person you love and trust the most isn't who you thought they were. It's one of the most painful and terrifying things I've ever been through...and I just had a Csection in February.

I would say...hold your cards close to your chest. I think it's better when the WS feels uncomfortable about your commitment to the marriage. Making a pact to not talk about it is just going to result in her doing it again with the same OP or someone else down the line.

What really helped me kick start my change in attitude was reading Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Read it!!!!!!

The way I see it, someone (your WW) has been playing games with your heart. Time to mount a defense. This isn't a game...it's your life...your marriage. I really believe the only way to fight for your marriage is to fight for yourself. You are a strong man and I can tell because you are strong enough to love someone even when they've shown you they are broken.

PurpleBirch posted 5/13/2013 18:56 PM

I just want to throw in my agreement that is wasn't your fault. How dare she blame you for her bad choice! Adultery is an action, not a reaction. Don't know where I read that, but it helps me when I start to think about what WH said when he confessed (he wasn't happy in any area of his life apparently, and wasn't sure if he loved me. Thanks dude).

Sending hugs your way.

hurtininHouston posted 5/13/2013 19:03 PM

Thanks for the support. I have read several books, websites and MC. This site is the one that has helped the most. The one thing my wife always wanted me to do was work out. Since I lost 10 lbs from not eating. I thought why not tone up and get fit. That way either I will look great on my own, or will look so hot she would never want to do it to me again. She has already said, why now. I always wanted you to. She even accused me of getting in shape because I might leave her. Since she has been home from work, she knows that she f#*#ked up last night. But alas we will see how long that lasts right.
It hurts. I do love her.
Thanks again for the mssgs.
HiH

Skan posted 5/13/2013 19:30 PM

For your own sake, you need to detatch. You need to take a step back so that you can process and start to really think about what YOU and YOU ALONE need, to continue in this marriage.

She even accused me of getting in shape because I might leave her.

Well, duh! Yes, you may leave her. She chose that possibility when she opened her legs up to another man. Hell, she left you behind and still isn't showing a whole hell of a lot of remorse about it, so what's she bitching about? You deciding to work off your anger, restlessness, and pain by working out is a great idea many people buy punching bags. You getting in shape is a healthy reaction for you keep on. Your mind can process quite a few things while you're lifting weights and doing repetative physical work. Being a bit detatched and selfish is very healthy for you right now.

nuance posted 5/13/2013 19:30 PM

She had gone out and bought a new phone thinking I was going to cut hers off.

Cannon posted 5/13/2013 19:34 PM

She has already said, why now. I always wanted you to. She even accused me of getting in shape because I might leave her. Since she has been home from work, she knows that she f#*#ked up last night

You probably don't even realize it, but you've started a 180.

Keep it up, man

(((((hurtinHouston <----manly bro side hug

hurtininHouston posted 5/13/2013 19:41 PM

She did return it. :) Thanks. That is why she told me. Thank God. 180 does help. I do have a hard time doing everything on the list though. I tend to want to be "involved" with here and my kids. I want to have some sort of normalcy. It took a whole month to be able to get there. It has been one long month too.

Stillkicking posted 5/13/2013 20:14 PM

Welcome brother. Our journeys sound very similar my friend.

Has she proven to you that she returned the phone, have you asked her, no demanded that she tell you what the number was to this "secret" phone. I would be extremely cautious and make sure you verify that the phone was actually returned, as she may be trying to take the a underground.

Take care of yourself my friend, make sure you stay hydrated (as little booze as possible) and eat what you can brother.

Stay strong and remember, NONE of this had anything to do with who you are as a husband, this her shit to own.

You can and WILL survive.

OK now posted 5/14/2013 09:03 AM

She's getting away with adultery so why should she display deep remorse? Hysterical bonding [you still need, want and desire her]. Telling her you love her, soulmate, best friend,life partner etc. You need her more than she needs you on an emotional level; she's dominant and calling the shots.

Until there are consequences for what she has done don't expect remorse. There could be other affairs later unfortunately, since she has substantially got away with cheating.

Start to detach; protect yourself. Start by controlling the credit cards and limiting her spending. If she whines, tell her its a consequence of her behavior, get used to it.
Do you understand? You have to gain control of your relationship and you can't afford to care this much. Loving someone far more than they love you is going to lead to much misery.

By the way; she's not your soulmate anymore, not even your best friend.

numb&dumb posted 5/14/2013 10:33 AM

She even accused me of getting in shape because I might leave her

Yes you may because of her choices. None of this is your fault. It was a choice, a horrible choice, a choice that had many other alternatives. She picked the most destructive one.

Keep on with the 180. It is OK to interact with the kids and keep things "normal looking." Outside of that, the minimum required to run a household.

She is not remorseful based on things you have said. Buying a new phone was a bad sign, but luckily she returned it. Keep monitoring to ensure there is NC in place. If there is not 100% transparency, demand it. She has proven to be untrustworthy and needs to adhere to some accountability. If she can't she needs to see a IC and probably a psychiatrist.

Go to the gym, get exercise, it will help you in ways nothing else can. You are doing the getting healthy thing for you. Don't engage when your W tries to put you down or justify her affair.

She had the affair because she is selfish and has some addiction issues (wine, spending, etc.) She sounds like she could be Bi-polar. Something for her to see a professional about.

Take care of yourself and your children. Let your W self destruct for a little while. She needs a glimpse of how good she had and what life without you would be like. It will help clear some of the fog from her head.

Hurt2Deeply posted 5/14/2013 22:55 PM

She put you two in debt for $10,000 without you knowing?! That is another major betrayal. I believe you need to control all the money and spending. Cut her off of all that. You could make her get a credit report and see if she has any other secret credit card accounts.

What did she spend all the money on? Something to think about and make her report to you. Investigate. Don't trust her on this.

Maybe she needs to work and pay all of that off herself. I don't know your situation. That is only one idea.

I am so sorry. This is traumatic.

H2D

hatefulnow posted 5/14/2013 23:36 PM

No advice but glad you found us tho sorry ur here. Welcome to the best club that nobody wanted to join.