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now other BSs know: one wants details

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20WrongsVs1 posted 6/2/2013 15:34 PM

Per my other thread, the OBSs now know. OBS#2 replied simply "yes, I know". OBS#1 has asked for a timeline and sexual details.

I will comply with her request, of course, but it's a little scary. Yes, I should've thought of this before, I get it, I made my bed. But, am I exposing myself to liability here? Can I expect to be subpoenaed at some point? I hope I'm not ultimately sorry that I (eventually) did the right thing.

Those questions are kinda rhetorical. Just wanted to update y'all on the situation, if you care, and I would welcome any advice.

No stop sign, so constructive BS input is welcome.

Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 6/2/2013 15:46 PM

What sort of liability are you concerned about? Do you think OM/WS Bigshot attorney would come after you for speaking the truth? If that is a concern, I would discuss with your BS and maybe proactively consult with an attorney to find out your rights and what you might expect.

I think that whatever you do, it should be discussed with your BS and the two of you agree what your course of action should be.

I would think that if it did come to some sort of trial, an attorney may want to take your deposition (answer questions under oath). A lot of attorneys would pursue this vs. waiting until court to see what information you had. A depo is usually done in the lawyer's office. I would think they would use your deposition to cross reference with bank accounts, phone records, etc. for example, if Bigshot Attorney took you to Las Vegas, there would likely be credit card charges and phone records that would provide supporting information. KWIM?

Talk to your BS first. Then I would consult with an attorney. M


mike7 posted 6/2/2013 16:05 PM

i'm a lawyer. (granted, an anonymous one on the internet)

the affair clause does not apply to you. you are not a party to the contract. they are.

you may be asked to testify if it goes to court however, as distasteful as that may be.

SandAway posted 6/2/2013 16:14 PM

Give her details without your full name - why does she need to know exactly who you are? Does he know your last name?

Because she seems so demanding, I personally would not give her my last name. You never know how vindictive she can be towards you. Isn't there a website where she can out you??

tread carefully...

roughroadahead posted 6/2/2013 20:51 PM

If she has a post nup with an affair clause, I imagine she's aggressively seeking details because she wants to nail her WH to the wall. Like the way-more-experienced-than-me attorneys have already said, you're not a party to that post nup, so I wouldn't say you'll be liable for anything to do with tha. Some states have a cause of action called "alienation of affection" that can be brought against OPs, but since it doesn't exist in my state, I can't say much about it. I have heard it's really difficult to be brought successfully, though.

As to your questions, being liable and being subpoenaed are two different things. A subpoena may even be likely, for reasons Cat already stated, if the BW is gearing up to make him pay. If things seem to be getting beyond your comfort level, you might want to consider contacting an attorney to advise you.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 8:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Kelany posted 6/2/2013 21:14 PM

You wanted to out your AP, now she wants details. Please give them to her, honestly. Reply giving her a basic but thorough timeline and that she can ask specific questions. But do not lie or minimize or place blame on him, you need to own your actions just as much. Be very humble, but not a victim.

hatefulnow posted 6/3/2013 00:55 AM


I am no lawyer so my advice is to consult one before you proceed. That being said, I've done lots of research in this area. When I started this journey I was in a very bad place and wanted to hurt people. Because of my education and position I was able to do just that. As an OP, it's my understanding, that for you there are 2 areas of possible liability: alienation of affection and deliberate infliction of emotional distress.

You met on AM so his affections were probably already alienated before you got there. As to the second, you never met the OPBS. You had no true way to know if there was one. Lots of single guys troll those sites looking for married women. So you could not have DELIBERATELY tried to cause her distress.

Talk it over with your husband, then an attorney. I would hope that you help. It may be embarrassing if/when this got out but I ask that you bear up and endure. Perhaps someone thinking along the same lines you were will have a moment or two of pause, hopefully.

aesir posted 6/3/2013 02:21 AM

Do a quick consult of your own with an attorney to make sure that you are not liable for anything in your state. If it looks like you could be, then you can always make a deal with the OBS to release you from any liability in exchange for providing the information.

roughroadahead posted 6/3/2013 10:42 AM

I suppose she could go intentional infliction, but honestly, all by itself, it is rarely successful (disclaimer: in my state). It requires "extreme and outrageous conduct".

You could always, after consulting your own L, make a deal with the BW, but I doubt she is interested in you as much as the apparently deep pockets of her WH.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:53 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

1Faith posted 6/3/2013 17:50 PM

Dear 20

You opened the proverbial door with notifying her so yes, please be as honest and direct as possible. You owe her this regardless of the complications.

I doubt Mr. Big Shot Attorney wants the negative imagine of an affair so he'll probably settle to keep the peace and protect his imagine.

The more information you provide is probably better as he will be shocked at your disclosure and not fight over semantics.

You did do the right thing. Coming from a BS...thank you. I know it was hard and it took courage.

Limit your conversation with the BS and be as respectful and cordial as you can.

Good luck. Keep moving.

Card posted 6/3/2013 21:18 PM

I suppose she could go intentional infliction, but honestly, all by itself, it is rarely successful (disclaimer: in my state). It requires "extreme and outrageous conduct".
You could always, after consulting your own L, make a deal with the BW, but I doubt she is interested in you as much as the apparently deep pockets of her WH.

I know that the expense of defending yourself from "any" suit can be expensive. Even if the suit has no chance of success...

I wouldn't offer any thing else unless she agrees to a "hold harmless" arrangement through your attorney.

You have the financial position of your family at risk now. Not a position your BS deserves to be in... Protect them!

[This message edited by Card at 9:20 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 6/3/2013 22:25 PM

Talk with an attorney to be safe. His trolling on AM will mean he was out "looking" and any hole would do. You will not be held responsible for alienating him from his wife because you didn't trick, chase, or deceive her WH into a relationship.

why does she need to know exactly who you are?

Because she seems so demanding

As a BW that really rubbed me the wrong way. I would want to know all that as well and I do not have a pre or post nup. If some woman contacted me and outed my H about an A with her, I sure as hell would want to know who she is, where, when, what, how, and why. She has a right to know especially since 20wrongsVs1 is the one to contact the BW and spill the beans. Her world has been blown apart and her wanting answers is considered "demanding"? Seriously?

JustWow posted 6/4/2013 07:37 AM

My FWH was subpeonaed to give a deposition by the FOW BH. Not fun, but simply a consequence. No actions were brought against him civilly, but our state does not have alienation of affection available as a tort action.

Good job informing her. Doing the right thing is often more difficult in the short run, but best in the long haul.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/4/2013 16:49 PM

BH says I must be mute on this topic until it all shakes out, and I will respect his wishes, but after the doozy of a 48 hours we've had, I am impelled to write at least this.

You know how you can tell your husband loves you? I mean, deep-down, unconditionally, no-shit loves you? Like, he actually took that "for better or for worse" vow seriously?

He found out 6 weeks ago that I cheated on him. Twice. I broke NC a few weeks ago, and TT'd yesterday. But he sat next to me in a bow-tie-wearing family law attorney's office, while I told said attorney that I had sex with another man. A narcissistic douchebag, to whom I wrote numerous emails (unfairly!) trashing BH. Emails BH just recently read, because of this situation. And my husband is not there to file for divorce, but to state unequivocally that he will spend $5 grand, if necessary, to defend our marriage and family from outside forces. Forces I not only invited in, but aggressively pursued.

BH and I have had an unconventional marriage and (Mods, I hope it's alright to say), we get the impression some SIers think BH is "less betrayed" than those with traditional marriages. But BH has never, ever lied to me. And after all my deception and betrayal, he stands by my side during the shit storm that I've potentially rained down on us, and offers me his umbrella.

Marital behavior doesn't get much "worse" than what I've done. And I'm not emotionally healthy enough to define unconditional love: but this sure as hell feels like it. It was there all along, but for months--years--I'm ashamed to admit I failed to notice.

1Faith posted 6/5/2013 15:26 PM


Again, sounds as if you have a terrific husband. Cherish him.

LOL - help educate me because I am clueless what is a MOD? What do you mean by uncoventional.

Hope all turns out okay on the legal front.

Good luck.

Dark Inertia posted 6/5/2013 17:06 PM

And my husband is not there to file for divorce, but to state unequivocally that he will spend $5 grand, if necessary, to defend our marriage and family from outside forces. Forces I not only invited in, but aggressively pursued.

You are a very fortunate woman.

I don't know about your BH being any less betrayed than anyone else, though.

wifehad5 posted 6/5/2013 17:14 PM

20wrongs, what you said is fine

Also, your BH is welcome here as a BH

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/5/2013 18:57 PM

1Faith, you are kind. Mods=moderators. We're not allowed to "call out" other SIers for criticism, so I was speaking with care.

We removed each others' login names from our profiles as a temporary precaution due to the possible (but increasingly unlikely) impending legal battle, but as for being "less betrayed" and having an unconventional marriage, that's a reference to some of our previous posts here.

She-Ra posted 6/5/2013 19:38 PM

Your BH sounds like he's being amazing to be supportive like this.

I haven't seen any posts where people imply he's less betrayed although it sounds like you guys were/are in a one sided open marriage? I cant help but remember your first posts where thats how you presented your story. He gets to sleep with lots of women but you had to hide it? Has this experience closed your marriage or am I crossing the line by asking?

sailorgirl posted 6/5/2013 21:43 PM


This is a big t/j, but I'm wondering if you're starting to get the answer to your question in a previous thread:

I understand now why so many SI'ers stress the importance of self-examination and repair. Without it, recidivism seems almost certain. I'm sorry my infidelity was the impetus, but I'm finally digging into the CSA that so clearly damaged me. It's scary, because the "damage" has (I believe) largely shaped my personality. Will BH still love the "healed" version of me? The worst part is: even if the answer is "no," I have to proceed anyway.

From reading your H's posts, it seems like since you admitted you weren't emotionally healthy, and started having more vulnerable and open communication with him, he's just loving you even more

But I understand the concern. I hadn't seen this addressed on SI yet, and I've actually been worried about it too. My WH was deeply damaged by an abusive childhood (which we both chose to believe he had overcome, despite never going to IC or even reading a book about survivors).

As he works through all the dysfunction and how it has affected him, many questions come up. Is his generosity, a quality I've always admired, really him being a KISA? Is his drive and achievement in his career actually a result of overcompensation for feeling unworthy? As he becomes a whole person, will his core change?

All I know so far is that whenever WH really lets me in to see and understand the dark places in his soul, my love for him expands. It's so hard for him stay engaged and open up because he was always taught to deny, hide, and run from negative emotions. But when he has the inner strength to share, I'm blown away by the intimacy.

Thank you for bringing up the issue of change and loving a healing/healed WS.

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