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Newest Member: Dquacook1973 (60713)

User Topic: Moving on?
♀ 36603
Member # 36603
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been awhile since I've been here. On 2/28 my spouse went back (3rd time) to his AP.

For a good 24 hours I slid back into that deep well of disrepair after the 1st 2 discoveries. Then, I let it go and figured I'd be better off without the ass hole. His tramp could have him.

I let them go and be happy, she got her man, into'd him to friends and family. AS soon as school is done she is moving into what was our home. Blah Blah...

I figured I'd be alone and I wanted to be. The last year had been a living hell. I did what I wanted, picked my business up out of the dirt and caught up with friends I had not been allowed to be with. I was good, my ego bruised and confused still, but good.

Then an old HS crush came back into my life. We never dated but there had always been something. He actually had asked several times to date me but the timing wasn't right and recently it was because I wanted to fix my marriage. He never waiver, he always wanted me. Finally after this last session with my WS, I caved after taking a month to do nothing.

I had no expectations. Men sucked. But he was who he was always and I fell in love, hard and without even noticing it. He was just as amazing as 28 years ago but better with age.

So I;m moving to another state, were getting married and I am so happy I don't know what to do with my head. I've never felt this right, this happy...

so why, when I hear from friends that my ex has moved his AP in, bought her a ring and is happy and getting married do I feel so hurt? Why do I feel betrayed again? Why does my gut rip open when I see pictures they post of their amazing life, why do i feel jealous, why do I even care??

I love the man I'm going to marry. It feels better than when I was with my ex. He's what I wanted but never got so I took less and got fucked over for it.

WHY do I care? Why does it hurt?

[This message edited by KansasRy at 1:51 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: portland
♀ 36599
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because she's in your house. Moved into your life. That hurts even if you're done. They should make a new life not just slip one wife out and move another in.

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Studies have shown that primates (not just humans, but a large variety of apes) have an inherent sense of justice and fairness. This even overrides self interest. It has been demonstrated in studies with apes where they will forgo a reward for themselves and prefer to accept nothing if they see that the deal is in fact unfair. My guess is that on some level you are still upset simply because the whole situation was unfair to begin with.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT. After I filed for D from XWH#1, a few months later I met WH#2. I had never been happier, but we still had the D to deal with which took 2.5yrs. We married a few months after the D was final. During that time I was able to detach from XWH#1 and thought my life was wonderful at last. For the first few years everything was great, until I found out he was having a LTA with an old GF of his.

I think the reason you are still hurting is that you have not had the time to heal from the betrayal from WH. It takes a while to let go and then take the time to get to know yourself. Jumping into another relationship so soon does not give you the time you need to heal yourself and could lead to trouble later on. We tend to fall back into negative relationships when we don't take the time to heal. I thought I knew what I was doing, had not loved XWH#1 in a long time, and thought I was ready for another relationship. I did not want to see the red flags that were waving in front of my face because I just wanted the pain to stop and he was able to do that for me. The realtionship did speed up my ability to detach and become indifferent to XWH#1, but now I am dealing with the same thing 10yrs later, only this one is worse because I never thought he would do this to me, I thought he loved me too much to ever hurt me like this. I was wrong. I should have paid attention to the big red flags (alcoholism and very selfish behavior) but I didn't.

I am not trying to burst your bubble. Just be sure that you take the time to really make sure that this is the right thing before you marry this guy. Do not get so infatuated that you ignore warning signs. The fact that you are upset about the ex is a red flag for you and shows that you have not given yourself enough time to heal. Again I am not trying to take away from you current relationship, but please proceed with extreme caution and slowly. (((HUGS)))

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8791 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice from TrustGone. You need to heal, you haven't and so you are essentially dooming your current relationship. Take your time, work through all of this. There is no reason to rush into more danger.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 680 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ 36603
Member # 36603
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well of cource being lied to, cheated on and thrown out of your home with your son with an hours notice is unfair. Of cource I'm upset that I saw him fall in love with a woman 13 years younger than me right in front of my eyes and that I had to detach myself from him when that wasn't what he promised. Yeah, he doesn't deserve happiness.

The OW doesn't deserve happiness.

But, they are the same people. They both could have cared less about me or my son. It's all about them. They are not good people.

I'm not like my FWS. And what he did makes me ill to think someone could be such a narcissist. It was pretty easy for me to detach after he went back for a 3rd helping of tramp.

Yeah so she get's a part of my life. But she also is giving him things I can't. Maybe that's part of it?

As far as my new relationship. Heck yeah it's fast and he knows I still have wounds. most it's about the lies. Lies he told me and everyone else as well. The man almost lost his job over his OW (you don't f interns and get away with it)and apparently she was worth all that. That's upsetting to the core. But my new partner gets it, he's been cheated on by his last wife. He went back to her 6 times before ending their 12 year marriage. I've known him for 28 years and he's still the same person to his core. He's not perfect, I see his flaws and he sees mine. He is actually nothing like my ex. I joke and tell him he would have never been my "Type". That's probably because my type were assholes.

I'm not fooling myself, a new marriage won't be easy. Are they ever? But with obstacles we've already gone thru, I've seen more of his character and he's a 100 times stronger of a man than my ex ever could dream of being. And it's for real. Seriously, his many friends and co-works have all come to me giving me a testimony of how great he is and how happy he is after being single for 8 years.

Still, I don't like that my first reaction to seeing my ex all happy with his OW give me pangs. I want to feel nothing. I don't feel love. I don't feel sad. I just feel kinda pissed off that they get to be happy. And that's what I don't get, why do I care? I'm crazy happy so why do I care?

Sigh, maybe it is just the fairness thing. We are all silly animals anyway. I suppose that's why I took some sadistic pleasure in seeing that they have finally gone public with their relationship (now that her school is done)and they posted one of those kissing pictures on FB. It's been up for a week and they have one like and no comments. Everyone knows she's the OW. Meanwhile, a picture of me and my fiance had 50 likes and too many comments to count.

Maybe just being happy that no one likes what they did but people are happy I'm getting something so awesome should be enough...

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: portland
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree with TrustGone. Your WH just left you again 3 months ago and you are getting married? Woah! Slow down, what is the hurry? Are you afraid H.S. crush is going to disappear? He has been wanting you for 28 years, I think he will wait some more for you.

aesir ~ I am such an ape!

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J Aesir just compared us to apes.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 36603
Member # 36603
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are apes in some ways.

No I'm not worried my new love will go away. But he has waited a long time...

We debated just living together. He lives over 200 miles away. Were back and forth on the weekends. He has an amazing job so it made sense to move to him. But in the end we both want that commitment that marriage brings. He is not a cheater. If my ex wouldn't have cheated, we'd be together because I would work though anything for a marriage unless they didn't want to, which he didn't.

My new partner lived with 2 women and the relationships hit a snag and they were gone. While he never thought about marring them, he wants to marry me and he wants that commitment. Just living together gives you an easy out. He doesn't want that, not to offer and not to take. He wants me and my son to know he's accountable for being a good man and that he's not going anywhere because he'd loose his shirt if he messed up.

After what I've been thru (I got the shaft for sure!)I love having that commitment. But I'm not marring him for that reason, it's his logic and drive behind it. It's a huge part of his character.

I'm not worried about my new relationship. When he approached me with dating I'd had a month from the final split. Those 30 days were a huge turn around for me. I finally took off the blinders and saw my ex clearly and I was so happy not to have that in my life. I never felt sad or empty. Never wished I could have just one more try. Nope. Done.

I still have anger, mostly the lies and dragging me thru the lies. I hate deceit and they both loved deceiving me, they took pleasure in it. Nothing else bothered me. The door was closed.

I had eagle eyes when I first spoke to and saw my new partner. Looking an poking around for flaws and reactions, character and such. I already knew him as a friend and I always knew he liked me as more than a friend. I knew a lot about him and all his dirty laundry. I know how he was in him marriage and when it ended. I've watched him as a friend for 20 years.

I'm not going to let my douche bag of an ex hold me back or make me second guess my happiness.

These men are polar opposites. My ex locked his laptop and phone, my new HTB said he never would and if I want to look, he get's why. I can talk to him about the why's after I satisfied my curiosity.My ex told me things that he never followed thru with actions. My HTB has followed up on everything he has told me, not just words but actions.

So yes, my ex isn't going to rule me. I'm moving on. I was going to on my own, I'm just changing my course because it's a better one.

I'm not worried about my HTB. I'm worried about why I feel that anger when I see my ex's happiness. I told my HTB that they came out of the closet and while it wasn't news to be the coming out pissed me off. His response wasn't to get upset at me, he said "The grounds on which we meet, will be the grounds on which we part. They will get what they deserve, you deserve to be happy."

Yup, awesome...but I'm still pissed and I don't like that. It's not me. I want to let it all go!

[This message edited by KansasRy at 10:34 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: portland
Topic Posts: 9

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