SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

didiknow posted 6/13/2013 02:20 AM

I just got it and am reading it now but I just had to stop and post about how amazing this book is so far. It's like it was written directly to me.

Honestly, it's a bit emotionally draining to read because it is causing a lot of triggers. Every page is right on the money.

Highly Recommended (so far)

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/13/2013 07:32 AM

I'm reading it too!

Good read so far!

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/13/2013 08:46 AM

Just ordered this!

nekokamisama posted 6/13/2013 13:43 PM

Absolutely an awesome book! I read it twice and on the second reading made a lot of journal notes. It answered so many "why" questions for me.

notsosureanymore posted 6/20/2013 22:26 PM

I wonder is it too late to read this book? I am not in reconciliation. I don't plan to be. Is it geared toward staying together?

Lyonesse posted 6/21/2013 12:20 PM

The second half is geared towards rebuilding trust in the marriage. I read this a few months after D-day, when it didn't look like I would stay. I still found it helpful to understand what had happened.

JustAShadow posted 6/21/2013 14:39 PM

Not so sure - I don't think it's too late...at least in the sense that it can put together some a-ha moments and has good information about maintaining boundaries and what to watch out for (for your next relationship). There's also a section / chapter about going it alone and moving on.

Read it now or read it later. But highly recommended to read it. It's brilliant.

ETA: I like that it is so easy to understand and, generally speaking, a quick read. She doesn't get bogged down in 'analysis' or psycho-babble.

I read somewhere that someone said it should be required reading for newlyweds. I totally agree.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 2:47 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

WhatsRight posted 6/22/2013 10:41 AM

Is it correct that this book is mostly aimed at people that cross boundaries with people they know in some way - friends, coworkers, etc?

My husband was with a prostitute. Pretty big boundary crossed, but doesn't sound applicable to my situation.

What do you think?

notsosureanymore posted 6/23/2013 01:47 AM

Ok I am going to read it asap! thanks all!

newnormal posted 6/23/2013 13:30 PM

Best book ever. I wish I had it before I got married. Ill probably read again before I start dating.

huRtZ413 posted 6/25/2013 09:12 AM

would it be a good book for ONS? being there was no friends before this and it was never emotional ...just physical

GonnaGetThru posted 7/9/2013 14:05 PM

Very good book. Yes, most of it is aimed at couples R'ing but she seems to understand that for the BS the decision to do so is not an easy one. Her sections on coping with the trauma of infidelity are helpful no matter the type of affair, IMO. My FWH found it helpful for himself as well, regarding some of the why's, firming up his boundaries, etc.

silverhopes posted 7/12/2013 13:30 PM

I'm one of the rare folks that have issues with this book.

The main issues for me was, it seemed to really validate the A. Asking questions such as - what did you like about yourself in the affair? What would you like to bring back into your M? How did the way your marriage is structured contribute to your A? Or maybe it was the wording. The times the A or AP was referred to as "meaningful" or "a loss" (this one really gets me - "The involved partner has lost his or her secret love nest and faces the potential loss of marriage and family" pg 88. Other way around - the WS has *thrown away* the marriage and family) or "romantic odyssey". It contradicts a lot of what I learned here on SI because the emphasis in the book is on the dynamic of affair versus marriage. Not enough introspection on the poor boundaries a WP has. Sure, there is a great metaphor at the beginning about windows and walls. But overall the book dedicates too much to circumstances (within the M, outside the M) and not enough to the whys and lack of boundaries inside of a person. Reading this book as a BS, it can be really easy to blame yourself or to take on the bulk of the healing effort. Reading as a WS, it can be easy to try to search for -barf- positive meaning from an affair.

A good preview can be found in the Healing Library, under the Articles Section, in an article called "Shattered Vows". It's an interview with Dr. Glass.

I know this book has helped a lot of people, so please take my review with a grain of salt. Just my impressions.

HardenMyHeart posted 7/12/2013 18:36 PM

I found Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to be the best of all the infidelity books I read. I read it shortly after D-day and again 10 months out to make sure R was on track.

I strongly recommend this book whether you're considering R or not.

starstruck posted 7/23/2013 08:36 AM

Not Just Friends is my go to book--it hurt to read it but I got insight into A's.

Thefly559 posted 8/14/2013 17:37 PM

Not just friends was an amazing read for survival. It was really accurate all of my stbxw actions were detailed and explained. It was as if Shirley glass was next to me watching! I underlined and highlighted and took notes. Another good read is " first aid for the betrayed" by Richard Allen . I read dozens of books to try to understand after d day but these were the best by far.

StuckInHell posted 9/23/2013 10:35 AM

I just started reading this book. I agree, it is emotionally draining to read, especially if you are just finding out or wondering about infidelity, like myself.

sailorgirl posted 9/23/2013 20:32 PM

IMO, Not Just Friends wouldn't be as helpful to a BS whose spouse had an affair with a prostitute or other stranger.

Also, the AP's portrayed in the book are stable and fairly emotionally healthy. In my experience, people who will betray their spouse are usually seriously messed-up. Personality disorders, mental illness, history of sexual abuse, history of child abuse, addictions--I see that a lot and I don't remember the book addressing those issues.

I still found NJF helpful, especially the rebuilding part. But not as helpful as SI!

silverhopes posted 9/28/2013 16:54 PM

Also, the AP's portrayed in the book are stable and fairly emotionally healthy. In my experience, people who will betray their spouse are usually seriously messed-up. Personality disorders, mental illness, history of sexual abuse, history of child abuse, addictions--I see that a lot and I don't remember the book addressing those issues.

I noticed this too. I think the author tried to present the people as "normal" as possible, to show that anyone can have an affair, that it's a hurtful choice but not bad people involved. However, as a result, I don't think she went enough into the poor coping skills a wayward uses, and how an affair is one of those poor coping skills. Not enough individual responsibility and digging into the "whys", imo. While the "walls and windows" metaphor is a powerful one, not enough follow-up on boundaries. But just my impression.

I have a question for discussion/debate. Dr. Glass has this idea about the couple finding out what about himself/herself the WP liked in the affair:

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may have been wishing to see these qualities all along and may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with someone else.

Do you find this question/advice helpful? Making a positive out of a negative? Triggery? Rug-sweeping?

aesir posted 9/29/2013 03:01 AM

I found that question very interesting, partly because it contains the seeds of an idea regarding how people repress themselves within a marriage, either to avoid inimacy, or to protect themselves from disapproval by their partner. Also, it takes the emphasis off of the role of the AP as being so wonderful that the affair was exciting and puts the responsibility squarely on the individual for their choices.