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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: Do you ever wish you had handled D-day differently?
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another poster recently started a thread asking a similar question regarding reconcilation. In my search for answers to what the hell just happened I've realized that I should have some things differently. I was in such shock at finding those awful emails that I didn't even think to grab his phone & search thru the text messages. So many things that will forever haunt me now that I wish I had more insight into then.

I'm constantly amazed at the wisdom of the people here so would really like to know what you think. If you were asked to submit advice for a chapter in "D-days For Dummies", what advice would you give. What do you regret most about the way you handled your d-day, other than the fact you had one?

Me-clueless BS
Dday - 2/19/13
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I tipped my hand and confronted too early. I should have spent more time investigating, logged our home network, backed up her phone, etc. She was able to delete so much information because I just didn't even consider that she would have several different e-mail and voice messaging accounts. Because of that I spent a year getting TT'd to death, and will always question whether or not I know the truth.

Married: 20 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 5487 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 39001
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain Tred! That's exactly where I am too!

Me-clueless BS
Dday - 2/19/13
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Posts: 1008 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where I am standing today, no I am ok with where we are and what we have gotten through.

Back almost 6 years ago, yeah I wanted to re-do everything all the time. I coulda, shoulda, woulda....but all those doubts go along with being "in the moment" and struggling through the aftermath of an A.

After all this time, it doesn't matter. What matters, to us, is we got through it. We made mistakes, I screwed some stuff up...but down the road looking back, it doesn't matter anymore.

Even if there was a step by step guide, emotions are crazy and I would have thrown the book out the window.

The only thing I think people need to pay closer attention to is treating themselves with TLC. IMO too much is showered on the WS during a time the BS needs it most.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes and no. My first DDay, I got proof in the form of text messages via our phone provider. I wish I'd waited so I could have seen the texts, but I confronted him by calling him at work. He deleted everything of course. He lied about prior affairs (There were none!!! he swore it!)

Fast forward after a year of false R and then our second EPIC DDay when he was fired for sexual harassment. I was a hard ass. I took everything I'd learned over the past year from here, other people, all my reading and I knew he was lying. I knew it wasn't a "pat on the knee" that got him fired. I was right. I also knew there was MUCH MUCH more he hadn't told me, and within 10 days of that second DDay, I had an admission of 3 other AP's including a LTA of over 2 years. That was horrific. However, because I knew better, I was able to get that information.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so shocked when DDAY happened that I dealt with it very ineffectively.

I should have taken her phone and confronted her with all the text. Confronted OM immediately and told his wife. I should have grilled her for the truth and kicked her out of the house!!!!

Instead I was a weak dumb ass!

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts would be a bit different.

I sort of lost my mind. Our kids were in the other room. I threw a TV. I called my sister to come get the kids.

I was blind with pain. I still don't remember the vile things I said to my WH. He had acted badly, and still does...not the cheating, but no efforts to heal.

But I strongly believe that people don't deserve to be treated badly just because they behaved badly.

I know this will probably be 2x4ed, but I regret the horrible, vile things I said to him. I regret it because he is not only a human being, but the one I promised before God to stay with for 'better or worse'. But also, because I think it has contributed to the prevention of our healing. And, because I am a better person than that.

I wish I could have just sobbed and sobbed, and let him see my pain without lashing out at him. I wish I could have said that we were in real trouble, and that we needed to figure out how we could deal with this - what help we could get, etc.

Instead, 7 years later, we live in total indifference and disconnection.

Yes, it is his fault for his ONS. But my response to finding out added to the almost irreversible nature of the situation.

Sorry if this offends anyone. Its just my humble opinion.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 4444 | Registered: Apr 2012
♂ 36530
Member # 36530
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wish I would have told her to pack her shit and get out that first night and told her dad and brothers to deal with it.

But I didn't and we are now in limbo. I have gotten extremely good at acting happy. Nothing has really changed for the better though.

If I had been a hard ass that first D-Day the A would have been resolved (either D or R) quickly. All this dragging on and on wears on me.

Me: BH-38
WH: 36
Married: ~14 years
Three kids (13,10,9)
In limbo

Posts: 68 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Florida
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I wish I was stronger! I wish I tought more about myself and more about who I was. I let the A in my face fighting for my marriage and was so blinded thinking I could make him end A. I wish so badly that I walked away that DDay.

BS(ME)41 WH(HIM)38
DD 21 and DS 16
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2944 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 39521
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes! I confronted too early, he denied and I retreated. Spent a few days sleuthing and just couldn't contain it any longer, confronted with some facts/proof on Valentine's Day, but I should have once again waited even longer. We were stuck in TT, with him admitting only to what new info I was discovering, and we've never gotten out of that. I think if I had waited and slammed him all at once with tons of proof, he may have been so freaked that the full truth was more likely to come out.

I also VERY MUCH wish that I had told her BS, not having done that haunts me to this day. But at 5 years out I just can't bring myself to do it, it feels like it would make it all so fresh again, and give her more of an important part in my life than I can handle today. I also very much regret not asking/requiring that he call her, in front of me and end it.... Sort of regret not forcing him to quit the job as well

Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Seven years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30102
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. It is my biggest regret. I cracked his passcode (finally) and found some text messages. I immediately woke him up and confronted.

In retrospect, if I were given the opportunity to do it all over again, I would have: forwarded myself the text messages and put his phone back. I would have waited until the next day, called an attorney, packed his stuff, dropped it off at his work (they are co-workers) and had him served, then gone dark. I would have moved home with our daughter and not looked back. I think I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd been calmer.

However, as much as I've tried to change it over the past 3 years in my mind, what is done is done.

Me: BW-36
Him: WS-35
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 617 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatsRight, don't beat yourself up about it. I sobbed and sobbed for months, and it did not make him stop "being friends" with OW. Really, whatever you said, your WH could work on learning to forgive it.

So, what I should have done on DDay, instead of what I did, was to tell him to go NC, that even if she was his "friend," she wasn't MY friend, and he couldn't have both of us. And then I should have met with a lawyer. He didn't go NC until she came to our house, I told him I would lawyer up if she ever came back again and if he had ANYTHING to do with her, and I sent an NC email/letter to her and her BH. End of "friendship".

ETA: The difference between the first couple of months and NC? I found SI. Thanks, peeps, for helping me zip up my bitch boots!

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:02 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well i wish i didnt lay my hands on him ....i never known myself to be this way and i lost sight of everything and went bat shit crazy now he has a scar i have to look at daily , i know how mad i was but still . he says he looks at it with no ill feelings about it . he calls it a "mark of passion/love" that it reminds him of the hurt he caused and that i cared so much and hurt so much then if i had just walked out his life. STILL i wish i hadnt its horrible.



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 36004
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of this often. I would do a ton of things different.

I confronted the OM on D-day.
If I had it to do over again I would tell him he had 2 hours to email a detailed timeline or expect a knock on his door.

That would have given him the opportunity to throw my WW under the bus with excessive force.

I would have then sent his timeline to his wife.....

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 100% ok with how our DDay went down. It was late when something told me to pick up his iPad. He was already asleep, as were the kids in rooms far away from ours. WHen I found the first nugget I woke him up, confiscated all of his devices (i knew most of the passwords already) and dug some more - enough that it was definitive. I then started pinging the OW "call me she knows" from his devices. She did. I got to confirm what he had told me by 2 am. I got to hear from her mouth that she did not love him, that he did not love her, and that she was sorry (that part is a joke). I kept my calm, did not call her names, just told her that she might want to look at doing some self-esteem work if she is going after married men. And then I told her that if we were going to have a chance she needed to stay away. The end.

PS: the other thing I did immediately was post to a mom/stepmom private group and I got TONS AND TONS of love and support and was directed here.

[This message edited by CatchyUsername at 11:28 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 38267
Member # 38267
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have two regrets:

1) instead of me packing up WS's stuff and throwing it out, he should have been responsible for it himself, and

2) I WISH I would have set fire to the couch they f'd on as a cathartic ritual for my own healing

The first regret is hard though because I was so out of my mind with emotion, that I wasn't sure what to do myself other than throw his sh*t out.

Me: BS (36)
Him: WS (40)
DD: 1/27/13
Status: We are living as roommates

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..just like TRED. I wish I would have gathered more info before confronting. We are well into R but I'm sure there is more that I don't know. I guess as time goes on, I feel less and less of a need to know but still in the back of my mind, the thoughts linger.

married 21 yr

Posts: 228 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No regrets on how I handled the discovery, quite a few on how I handled the aftermath.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. ThingsI did wrong on D Day.

1) I believed him when he said it was all over, and yet they were continuing an EA for a further 2 years.

2) I didn't insist on NC. I assumed that it was all over meant that they had no contact.

3) I dIdn't ask for more details. I accepted the minimum amount of information provided andpractically forgot about it. 2 years later when I discovered the continued EA, it was so much more painful. What I then imagined turned out to be far worse than what finally came out when I did get the full story.

4) I buried it and denied my feelings and then they exploded later.

5) I did not find SI soon enough nor did I read around.

6) I did not contact OWH (useless when I did, but might have had more success then than later).

7) I did not express my anger. FWH thought I was OK with it all.

Do Not do what I did.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
♀ 19024
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes! When I found the secret cell phone on Dec 21 WH was so angry & one of the threats was he wasn't going to spend Christmas eve/day with me & the kids & I so hated having the holiday ruined that I gave him back the cell phone.

I wish I had kept it & made the OW (it was a phone she gave him) ask me for it.. & I wish I would have contacted OW H right then & there.. No, our M might not have been saved but I do think I would have ended the A a lot quicker..

But.. hindsight is 20/20

"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4874 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
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