SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokenhearted76 posted 6/25/2013 19:09 PM

Its been about 3 weeks since dday, i think. It seems less, but "wh" says its been 3. Sometimes the days and hours just run together. When my world first fell apart, i thought i was doing ok. I was very angry and hurt, but i thought i was doing ok. Wrong!! So wrong! Now it seems i keep sinking deeper into depression. I cry at random times, or i get angry and snippy.
I might feel slightly better if he seemed more remorseful. Not many tears from him, and all he says is the "a" was a mistake and that hes stupid. The "ow" hubby knows about it all to. But not to many others know. My "wh" family gets together alot, and i am expected to smile and pretend all is fine..not easy and have a get together soon. And the few people that do know "wh" has made it seem like a joke, by saying "hes in the doghouse" or "he dont know why i put up with his shyt"! And that flippant attitude hurts!! Im feeling so lost. And to make things worse, i was trying to take things day by day and take time to process and decide what to do, and i think "wh" is already sexting another ex of his. No proof yet, but i did find 2 pics of her on his phone, and since she is also married, that shouldnt be going on. They are decent clothed pics, but still upsets me. And he has taken to guarding his phone again and deleting everything from it. And when i asked him about it, i get the same empty answers. The "i wont cheat again, i told you that" and "its nothing shes just a friend". Well the "ow" is married to, and one of his exes to. Ugh..ok going to go curl up and cry now. Feel the dark closing in on me.

bufffalo posted 6/25/2013 19:32 PM

And he has taken to guarding his phone again and deleting everything from it.

Im sorry....this is a HUGE red flag...I don't think hes through cheating....

Do i still belong here?

yep....

If you haven't read the complete healing library...please do...

Also there are a couple of threads here in JFO that have targets or "bulls eyes" in the left margin...you may want to look at those too, they contain a lot of good information about the 180, setting boundaries, etc...and are well written...usually on pages 1 thru 5....

good luck, hon....keep us posted...

Bufffalo

canteat posted 6/25/2013 19:57 PM

I'm less than 3 weeks out but I can't imagine that in a few weeks time I will be much better off than I am now. I know how you feel-wanting and waiting for him to show you a sign that he is truly sorry and understands what he did to you. I need that reassurance too. I get bits and pieces but WH isn't all the way there yet. The fact that yours is making jokes doesnt make it seem like he gets it at all. And that is where things need to start from.

Are either of you in IC? or MC? Just wondering what he has done to show that he is trying to change and make things better. Or is it all just talk. Now is the time for action.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/25/2013 20:11 PM

I'm still here after 10 months because things just keep coming up. So I think three weeks well qualifies you.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/25/2013 20:14 PM

No counseling yet. Everything is just to crazy. Dealing with my daughters needs, and all of this. I barely have time to breathe. And having to pretend things are ok for family doesnt help. Im falling more and more apart, and i have to hide it. I dont know what to think or do or feel.

PrincessPeach06 posted 6/25/2013 20:20 PM

I am 6 weeks out and tonight pretty angry about it. Tomorrow might be good or a sad day, I just don't know. The MC explained that I'm in the angry/sad stage and basically stuck there until acceptance. The thing that sucks for me is I don't know how long that will last. :(

Hang in there! I know none of us want to be here but you are not alone!

Tired05 posted 6/25/2013 20:22 PM

My first DDay was Nov. 24th. Yesterday, I fell into a hole so dark, it felt like I just learned about everything. I haven't cried that hard or long since January... I've had many smaller DDay though...so that doesn't help. Also, a month ago I went through a raging period of about three days where I felt like a ball of fire and would destroy anything in my path. I've heard that we will cycle through these emotions again and again for quite some time.

I don't want to alarm you, but I wouldn't take your WH's words just yet, and stay very cautious. Any phone guarding, is a red flag. Also, I've learned that anytime my H said 'she's just a friend', he was literally giving me a code word and all I needed to know. If only I knew back then that 'friend' translated to whore/mistress/fuck buddy/gf....take your pick... Pics of other women ALREADY? If I were you, I would be assuming that nothing has changed with him... however, I don't know all of the details. If you feel he isn't remorseful, or you worry something may still be going on...I think you may consider 180ing. Or at the very least, tell and show him that his words don't mean anything to you right now, you are looking for actions only. You know that saying "believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see"? Some spouses (mine) thought that all he really had to say was sorry, and then he felt that it was 'over with' and he simply wouldn't understand (i'm sure he understood he just didn't want to) why he needed no contact and couldn't still be friends with OW and talk about work and other small talk. Your WH is probably still in a fog...

[This message edited by Tired05 at 8:25 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

aesir posted 6/25/2013 22:28 PM

Started anotther one already? Usually at this stage they have not finished the further underground phase of the A they got caught in.

purplejacket4 posted 6/25/2013 23:07 PM

Please go to IC ASAP. I also recommend you read Not Just Fiends.

I have about a three week whole in memory after DD so please don't rush yourself . You can only heal at your own rate.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/25/2013 23:27 PM

I am going to check into "ic" tomorrow. I have to, for me. Im still lost at this point, and i need to find a way out of this dark place. I know i have to deal and process at my own pace. Just doesnt seem possible right now. I am barely able to make it through the motions of everyday life, like eating, sleeping, or remembering to brush my hair. Dday was about 3 weeks ago, and that has all been a blur. It seems like yesterday. Ive lost time somewhere. I couldnt even think about being ok if it wasnt for all of you and your support.

1Faith posted 6/26/2013 14:38 PM

Broken

Yes, you belong here but I am sorry that you are here. The duration of time since you found out really doesn't matter. Keep coming as long as it is helpful to you.

Three weeks out isn't very long at all. On average it takes 2 - 5 years to heal from an affair. I tell you this so you allow yourself the time you need to heal. Truly heal. You can't fast track it. You have to go through it and feel every emotion that comes your way.

i did find 2 pics of her on his phone, and since she is also married, that shouldnt be going on. ... and he has taken to guarding his phone again and deleting everything from it.

RED FLAG ALERT

(((gently))) This is not good, this is not a good sign and he is not committed to reconciliation by behaving this way.

He cheated on you so guess what? He doesn't get to have any more female friends. He can't. There should be ZERO text exchanges between him and any female at this point. ZERO and that has to be a non negotiable point for you.

Hiding the phone and deleting. Bad sign.

I would say your WH is either still having the affair or looking for another. He is not showing remorse. He is behaving in a hurtful and harmful manner.

You don't have to carry the burden of his lie around. If you need to tell a friend or family member do it. You need love and support right now.

Keep moving and just be cautious. Don't let him off the hook. Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries.

No texting, FB, phone #'s, etc. if he wants you to heal it is NOT negotiable.

Good luck. We are all here rooting for you.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/26/2013 15:53 PM

Sounds like you are still just finding out. I'm so sorry you have been forced on this roller coaster with the rest of us. Sounds like you are being expected to ignore your WH's infidelity and move on. If only it worked that way. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be here.

You will learn a lot from the wonderful people here. You need to start taking care of you. I think one of the first things you need to do is make it clear that since he has shown a lack of boundaries in the past, he needs to stay way out of the zone of danger from now on. That means no female friends. He doesn't get to say, "we're just friends" and expect you to believe him. He has a long way to go and a lot of work to do before he can expect you to start trusting him. One of the things he can do is show you he is willing to give up having female friends for the sake of your marriage.

(((brokenhearted)))

brokenhearted76 posted 6/26/2013 17:52 PM

I dont know where i fit anymore. Thats why i asked if i still belonged here. To me it seems like its been forever since i found out, the next minute everything is so new and raw. Its like im stuck in a room with no light or clock and only one window to watch the days go by. It all runs together. Last night was a bad night. I started crying and couldnt seem to stop. For once the husband was consoling and seemed cooncerned and genuinely apologetic and remorseful. And that only seemed to upset me more. He should have been that way from dday..it shouldnt have taken this long. I know 3 weeks is a relatively short time, i know this, yet in some ways it feels forever. Every promise, every sorry, only seemed to drag me deeper into despair. Today i have managed less crying, just headache and nausea...ugh

1Faith posted 6/26/2013 18:09 PM

Broken

We are here for you. You matter and we care. Just take one moment at a time.

Be kind to yourself.

(((hugs)))

tushnurse posted 6/26/2013 20:27 PM

Yes you belong.
Why do you feel the need to fake it. Hell let your loved ones know what is goin on at the very least tell them you ate going through a tough time. You need love and understanding not judgement. Tell them you aren't ready to share details but could use some help.

Next tell that A-hole that has overtaken your spouses body, that he is out of control and he needs to find a place tO stay other than home until he removes his head from his rear

Seriously he has shown NO remorse and is already finding his next conquest. Something is wrong in him. YOU cannot fix this. Only he can. For many WS they need to be shown what they are going to loose before they start to really work toward R. Get. Key logger on his computer and phone iif possible. Put a voice recorder in his car. Find out what he is up to.
Get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. If you can't afford it go to a battered women's shelter. He is abusing you. This is not to prep for D it's for you to gain knowledge and strength.

You need support and strength if you hope to sav this marriage.

Keep reading keep posting an know we are all here for you.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/26/2013 20:50 PM

Today has been such a roller coaster. Evenings and nights seem worse, is it that way for others? Husband works nights, in a secure place, no one allowed in or out. He is security for a government building. So while hes at work, i dont have to worry. But nights alone, after the kids go to bed, are when i tend to feel the worst. All i do when i feel down is come here and read and post. My life right now is such a mess. I go through the daily stuff like a zombie. And why do i have to "fake it" around family? Well most oof the family is his, and he dont want them knowing. Very few people know, and the ones that do, dont know all the details. I know i need people to talk to. Thats why i come here. Tomorroow i have an apppt with my daughters counselor, and i am going to talk about a counselor of my own. I dont know if im ready for marriage counseling yet, hubby has to show alot more remorse. We had another discussion tonight before he went to work. Not good

tushnurse posted 6/27/2013 08:35 AM

Gently - But who cares what he wants. He broke his vows. He lied to you, he went outside the marriage for "love" and intimacy. Quit faking it, let them know just how damn miserable you are. You will be surprised of the places you will get support while going through this....

My MIL was a great help to me.

Get yourself an IC, and get yourself to a lawyer. Make a to do list for yourself each day and work on widdeling it down.

((((and strength)))))

keptmyword posted 6/27/2013 12:15 PM

From how you described your WS behavior, it is pretty obvious he is still well in the affair and is trying to keep it a bit further underground. It also seems like he is attempting to start a new affair.

You have to keep in mind that this is very much like a highly addictive narcotic drug to a weak-minded WS. They will continue wanting and going after that high regardless of the hurt and destruction they cause around them.

The only way they will stop is if the consequence for their betrayal is very real and absolute. It must be something that they cannot delude themselves away from.

The "180" is a start. Don't try to bargain or beg. Do not take blame - ever.

What I found is the best and ultimate way to get their attention is to file for divorce and have them served with the divorce petition. When they have the actual Dissolution of Marriage Petition papers in their hand, with a case number and presiding judges signature, then they will see that you are NOT going to allow yourself to be walked over or be emotionally abused. They will see that YOU are taking control and are going to end this shit once and for all. They will realize that their value to you has dropped dramatically and that you value yourself and your family more than this Jerry Springer bullshit that they have heaped upon you. They will realize that you know you can do better than this.

I have recently finalized my divorce from my XWS. She acted just like your WS. I found out, she claimed it was over, had NC, and wanted to work on reconciling. It was all total bullshit. It was still going on but she just tried to take it underground more. I knew it was still going on the whole time but she kept denying. It wasn't until I filed for divorce that she ended it and wanted to reconcile. She was remorseful, regretful, guilty, and shameful. I was way too far gone at that point. We are divorced and she still wants to reconcile. That is the power of a hard and real consequence. Remember you can file and then suspend it or dismiss it as needed.

Yes, you do belong here. I am divorced now and I still belong here because I want to share my journey with others that will be going through the worst feeling I have ever known. It was through learning what others had been through that helped me get through this - and do it in a healthy way.

Please stay and read as much as you can.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 12:34 PM

I cant thank you all enough for all the support. Today has been worse. Had a meeting with the daughters counselor today. It was just the hubby and i, and we filled her in on his affair. I told her this was harder than the last time which was yrs ago. She asked why and i said because he had been good for years and i thought we were past this. She asked him if he trulyy been good or just been good at hiding it. He just shrugged his shoulders. Now im at home falling apart again. Because to me thats an admission of guilt. My whole life feels like one big lie now. And i cant just throw him out. The counselor suggests that as long as we can remain "civil" we need to stay in the same house to present a united front for our daughters well being. Our daughter has mental and emotional disabilities and deals with suicidal tendencies. So, i have to deal with it in my face everyday. Only thing in myy favor is he works nights so even when hes home he has to sleep some. He says he wants to reconcile, im not ready to think about it yet.