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simplydevastated posted 6/28/2013 18:26 PM

Please no 2x4's. I can't handle it today.

This is his latest about me behind my back.

"Swear to god if I come home and see her laying in bed doing nothing again I'm gonna implode."

I'm sorry if my depression from his cheating is bothering him.

In my defense I take care of this place every day (cooking, cleaning, laundry). I take care of the kids every day (getting them ready for school, packing lunches, helping with homework, breaking up arguments, doing school work with them during the summers, playing games etc...)

HOW IS THIS NOTHING?!

I'm only in bed when he's home because it's a struggle to be in the same room with him. When I am all I see him do is text on his phone or watch YouTube. I just can't look at it any more.

He's in the bathroom right now and all I hear is his phone, he's watching a video of something.

kiki1 posted 6/28/2013 18:30 PM

(((Hello SD)))
You've been heard. Tell him to go shit in a can out in the yard

Please dont lie on that bed depressed.

Play a game with the kids, take them for a walk, bake cookies, read a book. Dont let him see you down.

Dont let him deligate you to your bed.

C'mon girl, you can do it!!!

Lots of hugs

Deeply Scared posted 6/28/2013 18:35 PM

(((SD)))

I totally agree with KiKi...get out there and be visible Don't let him push you into feeling even worse.

You can do this!! Stand up, be strong and hold your head up high

mainlyinpain posted 6/28/2013 18:43 PM

(((simply)))

I know what you mean about sometimes just being in the same room with them...it is as if you are a burn victim and they are touching your burnt skin. You just don't want to move to try and not feel the movement of your pain. But being alone in another room really doesn't make the pain less. You want them to see this pain, acknowledge it, perhaps offer comfort. But no, they are self involved. Maybe try being the person you want them to be. Establish an example. It's not fair, but perhaps offer him attention and see what it produces. Maybe an environment where he can be giving. At the least you will not allow him to make you less than you really are, a loving, good person.

simplydevastated posted 6/28/2013 20:44 PM

Thank you, kiki & DS. I know you're right. I just have to push through it.

I don't understand how he can say this stuff about me behind my back. I could understand the bitterness if I was the one who cheated, but I didn't. Why does he hate me so much?

mainlyinpain, I tried that in the beginning, I can't do it now. I've read to many of his lies about me.

I've noticed something about him. Every now and then he sends out little "feelers" to his friends. He'll drop a gripe about me, if they don't bite he drops it, if they do he now knows that he has someone he can bad mouth me to. He has said other things to this friend (who he sent the above message to) about me and they have a good laugh.

It's been three years since I've felt a hug or even a kiss. I don't remember that last time I cuddled with anyone. After tonight I really miss it

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:44 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Deeply Scared posted 6/28/2013 22:30 PM

(((SD)))

I'm hugging you from Houston...I hope you can feel the love and support I'm giving you.

You just hang in there...it's going to be ok

Jrazz posted 6/28/2013 23:14 PM

(((SD)))

It's him. Him him him. Why does he do it? We don't know, but I wish there was some way I could help talk you into building a wall around your heart so that his words don't hurt you.

aesir posted 6/29/2013 03:38 AM

I wish I could explain that behavior to you, it would mean I could explain it to myself as well. I found that it did not really matter what I did, that sort of stuff was always said. If it was not one thing, it was another, and if I managed to avoid doing anything to bitch about, then there was just bitching based on her feelings. When I confronted her about it one time and asked for it to stop, her response was that it was "just bitching", "that's what all women do, we bitch." I at least got the satisfaction out of that one of saying "No, all women don't bitch. Bitches bitch."

I think this ongoing behavior was why the last dealbreaker A was so easy for me despite being so far out from the one that brought me here, the general bitching to friends behind my back just made it so easy to look at the A as a light at the end of the tunnel instead of another stretch of darkness. It was a blame free exit from my responsibilities and commitments.

Okay, I realize there is no actual help in here, but I do understand. I guess sometimes it might not be about the nail. Hugs to you.

selkiescot posted 6/29/2013 06:12 AM

Aw sweetie I understand. it's miserable. are you doing the 180? If you can please try it. I also think you should take his phone and drive over it a few times. It feel great. ((((((sd)))))) you will get through this. See your doctor about some meds. Think about getting on some Bcomplex and vitamin d. They will give you som energy.

simplydevastated posted 6/29/2013 13:01 PM

ETA- His friend didn't respond yet and this is my husband's follow up. I guess he REALLY wants to complain about me.

"Thanks for ignoring my message!!"

From the looks of his DM's he is also complaining about me through another device, whether it's his xbox or texting. This is great.

Thanks DS, it's nice to know I have some support

I guess my wall that is up isn't quite high enough, Jrazz.

aesir, you're right, not all women bitch. I never did. If I had a complaint I went right to him. I kept my marriage private.

Your post did help. I like it when people can relate their stories and experiences. I don't feel so alone that way. I'm in the same situation that you described, I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's nothing I can do that will please him.

selkie, I'm trying to 180 but I suck at it. Because I'm not comfortable leaving the kids with him I'm always home. I wish I could drive over that phone. But it's never off him Thank you for the advice, I know you're going through some tough stuff right now,too.

Thank you all for the hugs, advice, and support. It means a lot to me

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 7:10 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Jen posted 6/29/2013 21:53 PM

Awww ... (((SD)))

He hates seeing you sad/depressed/angry ect ... cause it just reminds him he is the cause. So he is trying to push it off on you. Get out there and just do whatever you do. Whether it's being depressed or working around the house, whatever it is. Just continue to live, even when he is around.

Are you taking any meds for depression ? Something for anxiety when you need it ? They may help till you can maintain your emotions/feelings on your own.

So sorry ... this is not your fault at all. (((SD)))

simplydevastated posted 6/30/2013 05:48 AM

Thanks bb, but that would take a conscience for that.

I did so much yesterday I hardly sat down.

No I'm not. I'm not a pill person in general. I don't even like taking medication when I'm sick. I think it's because I have to take medicine all the time for my asthma that if I can manage without it for other things I will. I'm sure that sounds stupid. I'm trying to push through it. It's hard when I have to see him every day. I think I'm the only one that looks forward to Mondays

stillhere09 posted 6/30/2013 09:55 AM


Your post just touches me because you describe exactly what I went through!

So he thinks all you do is "nothing." He doesn't notice what you do, but he sure would notice it if you didn't do it all!

The other posters are right; don't let him see you down. I tried doing the housework etc. when he was around, but somehow I just couldn't. It's best to take the kids and go out when he is home, and occasionally go out alone, even if it's to windowshop or to the park.

As to meds, I was the same way. I didn't want to end up with my feelings dulled even a little. I wanted to feel all of what I was going through so that I could find a way out - which I eventually did.

Hugs to you.

Do you have an exit plan? Are you getting your ducks in a row?

NotDefeatedYet posted 6/30/2013 13:08 PM

It sounds like he's griping about you to people who don't particularly care to hear it. He's gonna run out of friends doing that. I would call that a small victory for you.

simplydevastated posted 6/30/2013 18:24 PM

Thank you stillhere, I'm trying to put an exit plan together. I have a few ideas but I still need a job first.

I know everyone is right. I'm trying not to. I'm trying to push through it. It's hard.

I have a lot of plans for this summer with the kids. I hope, even if it's for a short time, that I can forget about him. That sounds bad, sorry.

NDY, I hope you're right. Maybe that would be his wake-up call if his friends stopped speaking to him.

karmahappens posted 6/30/2013 18:37 PM

(((SD)))

I am so sorry. I understand not wanting to be with him.

Can you organize your plans with the kids and gear the activities for mostly when he is home?

Collect the kids and give a cheerful "see ya" as you walk out the door.

No need to explain what you are doing or where you are going. It will get you out and moving. The park, have you got a friend with a pool? Even a few hours here and there would help relieve the stress.

I am sorry for your pain.

((((hugs))))

Take2 posted 6/30/2013 18:47 PM

So when his friend doesn't jump to his texts - he gets offended and snarky...? Not a very good way to treat your friends... My guess is you aren't coming off as bad as you might think. His friend is likely thinking HE is one entitled jerk right about now, cause that's what I'd be thinking if I got that in a text.

Never you mind him. There are many ways you can get too busy when he is around. It wouldn't be housework for me, but maybe: Find a great book and read with the kids, even if it is up in your room on the bed! Plan movie nights with them. Do silly things he won't participate in. In other words - invest in the people who matter! Start new traditions now!

Big hugs! Simplydevastated

solus sto posted 6/30/2013 18:54 PM

((((((SD))))) I'm so sorry. That kind of marginalization is soul-crushing, and you deserve so much better.

Millions of hugs to you.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/30/2013 20:12 PM

Ya know how you can kinda *perceive* people's perception of you? Well for a whole lot of years, I had the feeling that certain people in Sultan's family perceived me as some type of spoiled princess.....and now I know why.

I was running myself ragged with the house and the kids (one of whom is special needs) while he basically came & went as he pleased and did very little to help out......and gave all of the people in *his circle* the impression that all I did was *sit around* and spend *his* money.

Sultan just has zero respect for me because life is supposed to be *all* about him. Everything happens by 'magic'--toilets clean, laundry thrown in the hamper just 're-appears' folded, kids have active lives, great dinners just come out of the oven, etc.....I'm SURE that you know what I mean, right? He thought it was completely effortless because I was a *mom* and that was my job.

I could never win. He enjoys the *victim* role too much.

Your WH sounds very similar.

The only thing that I can do about is try not to care. *I* know what I do. *I* know what the intentions/motives are behind my actions/inactions. I just had (well, have) to stop worrying about what he was (is) saying behind my back to everyone. I'm currently dealing with a couple of situations that I can assume he is going to *spin* to make me out to look like I'm being a *bitch*. WhatEver, Dude.

You're not the problem here, SD. Your WH is just downright rude. It makes me sad to see you feeling so defensive over this issue.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:14 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

allfalldown posted 6/30/2013 20:23 PM

I have had this same struggle. I just bought a very expensive hammock on his dime and now I have a place to go that is still secluded but not as depressing as being in the bed. What can he say about getting some fresh air that is negative? Whatever you choose... create your own space and make it happy. WH is currently stomping around the house while I am having a glass of wine in my new hammock. I am trying not to smile too much.

Hugs hugs hugs

[This message edited by allfalldown at 8:27 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

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