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Living through the "Thoughts"

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KBeguile posted 6/28/2013 23:01 PM

I was sitting in the living room while Heart was showering tonight, and I was suddenly struck with the visions of the person I was destined to become had I not been caught. Each new image made me sicker and sicker to my stomach: thoughts of turning into my dying, alcoholic uncle, of turning into the nerd with the jar of Vaseline at his computer desk ... sorry if that last one is TMI, but it really grossed me out.

I'm just so thankful that I was rescued from wandering down that path, even if it was with claws and a meat hook.

No questions or anything. Just wanted to share a random WS thought tonight.

aesir posted 6/29/2013 03:17 AM

It takes a bit of insight and a lot of courage to recognize this.

FinallyHappy posted 6/29/2013 05:11 AM

of turning into the nerd with the jar of Vaseline at his computer desk ... sorry if that last one is TMI, but it really grossed me out.

Too funny! That's how you have always appeared to me.

It's probably because you constantly write about how smart you are, how you are such a *great* writer. You write about your role playing and how stricken with grief you are now that your wife doesn't want to 'play' with you.

I'm glad that you no longer wish to be a slimy guy! I'm not so sure you can accomplish it.

..........You have a bit of work to do.

Your wife is not happy. She's not 'feeling it'.

Do you get that?

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/29/2013 10:42 AM

KB, no matter what you've written here in the past, I choose to take this post at face value and echo Aesir in giving you credit for beginning to "get it." It took me a long time to extract my head from my ass, and ICR to exactly what you're saying. Well, not the Vaseline bit :) But I've had similar thoughts of a path avoided, a path away from which my BH steered me. Now it's up to us, the WS, to keep driving in the right direction.

JustDesserts posted 6/29/2013 11:20 AM

I like your vision. I've been so busy creating fantasy delusions and scenarios that a clear vision of my self, and my path, got completely lost. Guess that's best summarized with the old head up one's own wazoo chestnut.

...turning into the nerd with the jar of Vaseline at his computer desk ... sorry if that last one is TMI...

Vaseline is Soooo 1957. Thanks for a good laugh, though. It's great to know that TMI and over-sharing are alive and well.

Aubrie posted 6/29/2013 11:33 AM

...turning into the nerd with the jar of Vaseline at his computer desk ... sorry if that last one is TMI...
Thanks for a good laugh, though.
I fail to see why this is funny. It's not. There's a thread in the ICR forum for Betrayed Spouses of Sex Addicts who deal with all kinds of sexual depravity on a daily basis and I assure you, they aren't laughing. If anyone cares for a field trip down to ICR, guaranteed the laughter will fade.

It's great to know that TMI and over-sharing are alive and well.
It's great? How so? You are here because you overshared and TMI. Tell me how that's great. Tell your betrayed spouse how that's great.

DecadeCentrifuge posted 6/29/2013 11:49 AM

BS here, and I didn't see a stop sign...

KBeguile, I just wanted to note that your posts, while they (somewhat) acknowledge the damage you have caused, appear to primarily focus on what you personally have lost and the person you personally are afraid of becoming.

This is similar to the path I went down with my WW, where most of the discussion focused on how we could fix her and discover what it is that caused her to be in that position, and how much of a better person she became. The results were less than satisfactory, and I never trusted her again... the only gain for me was an anxiety disorder (which is pretty fun, so I shouldn't complain).

So, speaking from my own experiences, I recommend that you spend a little less energy ruminating on the damage you have done to yourself, and a little more focused on your wife. If I was in her position, reading how you're doing so much better now that your affairs were discovered would be deeply hurtful. Even without being in her position, these posts raise concerns, as I don't want to see a fellow gamer nerd sacrifice so much on the altar of hubris.

You are still very close to DDay. Focus your attention on your wife. Try to understand how she feels, and how your affairs changed HER. This is not just for her sake, but for your own. You haven't just lost a friend, a gaming buddy, or a grim path to the future, but your affairs have changed another human being. She may be able to deal with it later, but the wound will still occasionally bleed for the remainder of her life.

The term "the fog" gets passed around here quite often, and I'm beginning to understand what it looks like, and it looks like your posts, brother.

Again, good luck.

tired girl posted 6/29/2013 12:09 PM

Not to thread jack Decade Centrifuge, but if Kbeguile can start to get on some level the damage he has done to himself(and not entirely sure he is there yet) this is progress. The wayward has to be internally driven to change. Not externally driven. If he is trying to focus on the pain of his wife and trying to fix this mess because of her it will never work.

He has to get the concept that he did this damage first of all to himself, then to her. To fix it, he has to be 100% driven to want to fix him, for him. Period. Not for her. She may decide to leave, be done. And he is still stuck with himself, he better make sure those changes are for him. He needs to be ok at some point with the person he is. When he can get that point, she will start to feel better, safer. Because she will see that the changes are real, that they are internally driven.

JustDesserts posted 6/29/2013 15:52 PM


Was following what KBeguile and FinallyHappy seemed to have led with...a bit of tongue in cheek levity.

If you think I was making light of ANY kind of addiction, perhaps you'd like to walk a few seconds in my shoes. I'm an alcoholic and chemically dependent person, with nearly 19 years of sobriety. Not looking for a gold star. On the other hand, you seem to have me all figured out. Congratulations. That makes one of us.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:56 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Aubrie posted 6/29/2013 16:16 PM

Was following what KBeguile and FinallyHappy seemed to have led with
Key word being "seemed". It might "seem" KB was being funny. But as someone who has also had these realizations of what I have become and how far I could have fallen had I continued my course, it's not a laughing matter. It's a strike of horror and disgust to one's soul.

On the other hand, you seem to have me all figured out. Congratulations. That makes one of us.
Because I called you out over the "oversharing and TMI"? Look, a WS cutting up about crap like that isn't funny. I have a sense of humor. But I don't see any angle of infidelity funny. If you do, that's fine. But don't expect to come on the WS forum and not have someone say something about your lack of sensitivity.

Both sides of my family have rampant addictive behaviors. I'm not a stranger to it.

Congrats on your sobriety.

Sorry for the t/j KB.

Peace out.

KBeguile posted 6/29/2013 17:08 PM

Not to necessarily dog-pile you, JD, but I wasn't being funny. That's very much one of the places I could have (and might have, and would have) gone, had these horrible things about myself that I hid from the world not come to light.

One of the boundaries I've worked hard on (and it's not easy to do so in a forum where exposing yourself is almost a requirement) is that I used to tell too many people too many intimate details about what Heart and I were going through, even when our M wasn't suffering from post-A/post-DDay problems. I have to walk a fine line when I'm on here for myself, let alone for anyone else, because I need to keep and respect these boundaries I've made for myself: in particular, the boundary where I don't divulge everything that is happening between Heart and me. Again, not so easy a boundary to have when people are expecting to hear things I might consider personal or strictly between Heart and me.

Thus, I censor a LOT of what I say on here, and in so doing, it makes me sound very one-sided. Bad, but in my opinion, spouting absolutely everything that's going on between Heart and me would be much worse, both in terms of establishing and maintaining trust between us to keep some things about our relationship private, but also in terms of betraying myself because of my new boundaries that I want to respect.

No worries about the t/j, Aubrie. I'm glad someone said something.

tired girl (and anyone else interested): I don't know if you have experienced any kind of imagery of the process of rebuilding, but for some reason I keep seeing mental images of a rotating construct made of cubes, and a little janitor-robot that comes and detaches the cubes that are black/clear and replacing them with polished white cubes. When I get those little (and sometimes big) flashes of insight, the robot clears away more of the dark/clear and replaces it with opaque/white. Don't know if that means anything to anyone else, or even if it makes sense, but it's what I see almost every time.

JustDesserts posted 6/29/2013 18:05 PM

@KB: My read on that part of your post and Finally's quote/reply were obviously erroneous. My apologies.

uncertainone posted 6/29/2013 18:37 PM

I actually found the visual quite amusing. It is very possible to find something funny that is quite painful. Most comedians make quite good livings from that as well as share pretty painful childhoods for the most part.

Christopher Titus' bit about his mom who committed suicide is a perfect example. Very unfunny situation. He nails it.

Humor helps me take the sting out of some of my very worst memories and give them less power.

I understood you were very serious, Kbeguile, and don't think it diminshes the sobriety of your message at all.

Yes, it's a gross visual, part of the humor, for me. I too had a second of that image when you've written. Does bring a chuckle.

Really glad you don't want to be that person. Pathetic, while funny at times in a Quentin Terrantino way, is hardly a goal.

rachelc posted 6/29/2013 18:54 PM

" had I not been caught" and "rescued".....

Have you and Heart read much on co/dependency?

LosferWords posted 6/29/2013 22:17 PM

KBeguile - I think this thought exercise that you had, although painful, was very important. It was a glimpse into your hypothetical future. I also think this is a form of thinking that helps us prevent ourselves from making poor choices.

One of the reasons I am here on the wayward forum, and a lot of other folks are possibly here, is because of choices made prior to thinking through the ramifications of our actions, and what affect they would have on ourselves and other people in the long term.

Good post. Good reminder for me to stay on track with thinking through my choices, too.

KBeguile posted 6/30/2013 14:17 PM

rachelc said:

" had I not been caught" and "rescued".....

Have you and Heart read much on co/dependency?

Actually, she has. I haven't yet. But, I think I was just in need of being shaken forcibly out of "fantasy land," because I don't feel like I particularly owe her anything (except that I want to help her heal from all the hurt and pain I've caused) in a codependent sense. I just meant that she was the one who pulled the trigger, and I honestly think she was the only person who was ever going to call me on any of it. I'm grateful that she did.

To piggyback on what I've said prior: a REALLY big part of the eye-opening was realizing that this ISN'T the kind of father/role-model that I wanted to be for DS at all. I was so deluded in my As, though, that I didn't care, and it took being discovered to really see myself. Such scary images ... I am working to ensure that I never have to see them in myself ever again.

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