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t/j - tell BS or not

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jackie89 posted 6/29/2013 13:59 PM

t/j from JFO - Therapist said not to tell BS.

I have been conflicted with this since the beginning.

When I first found out about my STBXH and OW. I was told by H that it was an EA, blah blah and he stuck to this story for 1 year.

Anyway, in very beginning I made the worst mistake - I told my H, I'm going to call OW (friend) - Rule #1 of what NOT TO DO. of course OW, then told some bullshit story to her BH and by the time I got to BH, next day - he didn't want to hear from me.

I tried contacting him just to talk to him during all that LIMBO horrible time - and he never either answer the phone or return any of my calls.

STBXH finally was forced to move out and I again texted OBS, to let him know and to call me, - OW, responded to the text - that BS knew all about H moving out and that she had also moved out. That was a horrible day for me.

After that I never tried contacting him again. The affair ended, OW moves back in with her BS, and is now pregnant (no not STBX's).

After affair ended is when he comes clean - that it was actually a 3year PA. He tries several times to get back with me, but I had to "get over it" it's the past" - and of course no show of remorse,Not willing to do IC, MC.

I say FTG, I find a new great job, sell the house, get rid of car Skank sat in, move to a new place, NC.

So, I know what a liar OW was, and I can guarantee that her BS, does not know of what extent this A was, The one and only time he texted me he said, "this takes two, but your H was in the middle of my marriage". which makes me think that she told him that my H was pursuing her with unwanted advances.

Her BS does not know of the 3 yr PA. But I have moved on, she moved back with her BS.

So what good will it do for me? I am not a vengeful person, But it irks me, to know that she is getting away scott free! and what my friends say is at this point you have nothing to gain, and leave revenge to God.

The other important part is that I might piss her off, because she now has everything to loose, being pregnant, that she will call the cops or put a restraining order (I have not seen her in 3 years) - I travel for work, and I understand that traveling with a RO, is difficult at the airport.

Not sure if I have a question, but this has been my conflict within, and I want to let it go one way or another.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/29/2013 14:04 PM

You have tried to tell him. He has refused to listen. Move on and forget about all of them.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/29/2013 20:22 PM

I am usually one to say "The Betrayed Person has a right to know and must be told" however, jackie, you did your best to let him know. He is one that wants to rugsweep, but I am sure he has niggling doubts. Someday, out of the blue, this BH may contact you.

Yes, I am all for justice and consequences, I can imagine how much this irks you, as I would feel exactly the same. But, really, it would be best for you to let this go and move forward and accept that this is beyond your control. The consequences to you far outweigh this BH's desire for the truth and authenticity in his life.

You did the best you could to do the right thing. (((jackie89)))

allfalldown posted 6/29/2013 20:28 PM

But it irks me, to know that she is getting away scott free!

She is not. Whether is comes out later or eats away at her. She will still have consequences.

Cut that weight off of you and let it go...

MoreWould posted 6/29/2013 20:38 PM

You have a moral duty to inform the BS, which you have fully discharged. The BS has no duty to accept the message, but that's not on you.

You also have a moral duty not to act out of vengeance, that's for the Lord. And don't worry about the OW getting off Scott free. The Karma Bus has her GPS coordinates. "Time wounds all heels."

jackie89 posted 6/30/2013 03:59 AM

Thank you, then I guess I am just going to have to let it go, and let the Universe handle the rest.

The truth will come someday, it always does!

heforgotme posted 6/30/2013 07:38 AM

If it makes you feel any better, I am in the exact same boat. I went to great lengths to inform the other BS (AP had made sure he was virtually impossible to contact)and I don't think he believed me. And I had all of the same feelings you're having.

The way I think of it is like this: I offered them a gift. Both of them actually. They are never going to have any sort of real marriage until this is addressed. She is never going to be any sort of real person until this is addressed. If they choose not to do it, that's their problem. R (or D for that matter)is not for the weak willed and frankly I'm not sure they are up to the work. But in any case, I gave them the opportunity. If they ignore it, it's their loss.

jackie89 posted 6/30/2013 07:51 AM

Heforgotme _ that's so true what you just said!

Sometimes I even like knowing that she suffers a little more, because she is going to bed every night knowing that she is lying to her husband, I want to believe that's got to eat at her, and eventually she will self destruct!

noprincess posted 6/30/2013 08:03 AM

hi (((jackie))),

You did the best you could here. You offered the truth to a man living a lie, he did not accept it.

You're done with them now. Do nothing to allow OW to hurt you or back into your wonderful life. NC = no new hurts.

I kind of feel pity for him tho...

jackie89 posted 6/30/2013 10:41 AM

Thank You noPrincess.
Sent you PM.

aesir posted 6/30/2013 12:41 PM

You told, he ignored and took shots at the messenger. If you shoot the messenger, you should not expect them to bring you any more messages.

As for revenge, you can safely do nothing and achieve that. He is going to suffer for just blowing you off (and he will always wonder a little), and she... well she has to think of you as a shadowy figure of menace that could strike at any time to destroy her. Would you want to live like that?

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