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How much should I take.(long)

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cissie posted 7/1/2013 00:06 AM

We have been stringing this along since 2007.
My BS is quite firm that there will be no reconstruction of the marriage (except that I be miraculously transformed into Mother Theresa). He did not tell me that in the beginning. I thought there was some hope.

He would out me, if he thought it would not have any repercussions on the family, but it will. In spite of his rewriting the past, I have been a good mother. Our children have learned from me to remember birthdays, anniversaries, to express thanks for kindness and gifts from other people and they are successful in their careers. He takes full credit for that, but his FOO was extremely dysfunctional and in some of the family relationship things he has no clue.

I cannot be the one to fold, or he will just take that as confirmation that I am an evil destructive person and I have ruined the family too.

The P/A & NPD funnies thread in Divorce made me think about what is going on right now, except I am the WS and he is the BS.
Item: He dismisses me.
I was talking to him in his office. I was mid sentence and he said "That is enough. You can go. I am busy"
Item: Hearing aid as weapon
My BH wears a hearing aid I never know whether he is wearing it or not. Either I am shouting at him when he has it in, or I get accused of “mumbling” and of playing games when he is not wearing it.
Item Food
He says we should have a regular routine for meals and then says he does not feel like eating what is on the menu for today. Also he watches his weight, and when he puts on a couple of pounds he will cut back. I adjust accordingly, and then I am starving him.
Telephone contact.
When he is away we have a pretty consistent time that we call. He called an hour earlier than usual and could not get me. I called at regular time no answer. I called on his other phone later and he said he was eating and did not have time to talk.

All this behaviour is relatively new and it seems to be getting worse. It is ridiculously petty. Is he trying to force me out so he won’t be the bad guy? or is it simply that he cannot stand me and anything I do irritates. He will not accept any pushback from me without threatening me, or saying I am regressing.
I am just really venting here. I have got some counseling appointments lined up to see if I can find some better method of coping. I don’t want to blow everything up. We are so old even I can see that someone from the outside would look at our situation and regard it as pathetic or ridiculous. One of my friends had parents who hated each other and lived with a curtain strung across their living room to separate their spaces. We seem to be moving in that direction, but with separate houses.
I cant talk to anyone about this, since no-one knows.

[This message edited by cissie at 5:52 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

FinallyHappy posted 7/1/2013 01:49 AM

How much should I take.

I don't think you should put up with this for one more second, personally.

You've been the whipping boy for far too long, cissie.

All this behaviour is relatively new

Not to me, it's not. Take a look at the thread you posted last Nov. in general. Pay attention to exhausted lady, she's got your H nailed.

If you're so old ( ), then you'll probably get alimony. Just let him expose all your hideous sins! He won't, because everyone would think he's stark raving mad.

I'm sorry if I'm not feeling terribly sympathetic to your 'BH' right now.

Life is too short to waste years trying to deal with someone who seems to be increasingly nasty. At best he's a grumpy old man, and quite frankly I don't really think it's the 'at best'.

If he shows you nothing but condemnation, and offers you nothing in the least bit resembling respect, then in what way is he contributing to your life in a positive way?


Bobbi_sue posted 7/1/2013 02:03 AM

I don't understand this kind of thinking:

I cannot be the one to fold, or he will just take that as confirmation that I am an evil destructive person and I have ruined the family too.

Why is what he thinks so darned important? I would give the same advice for a BS who is unhappily married.

Some BS are able to forgive their FWS and others don't seem to be able or willing to do so. In such cases, I think divorce is best no matter which one files, and in spite of the inevitability that the one who did not file will accuse the other of being more evil than ever before.

Eventually you can learn to stop caring that he takes it as confirmation that you are evil. He can believe or say whatever he wants and in the end it really does not matter what a divorced ex says or thinks.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:09 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

aesir posted 7/1/2013 03:33 AM

All this behaviour is relatively new

Not to me, it's not. Take a look at the thread you posted last Nov. in general.

November is still relatively recent by some standards. In your position I might want to take a look in the madhatters thread, just to have a passing familiarity with it in case.

I know there are other reasons people can act this way, but... maybe I have just been around too long.

Aubrie posted 7/1/2013 07:42 AM

My BS is quite firm that there will be no reconstruction of the marriage
When did he say this? If no reconstruction, what is there to stay for?

He would out me, if he thought it would not have any repercussions on the family
Oh, and his treatment of you wouldn't have any repercussions?

I cannot be the one to fold, or he will just take that as confirmation that I am an evil destructive person
Why does what he think matter at this point?

A dear friend of mine is going thru something similar. Been married for over 20 years, she had an affair a couple years ago. She really thought she was going to escape her marriage. Instead, she got caught. And has spent every day since then trying to make a broken marriage work. Thing is, it's not working. It's deteriorating faster than a tooth marinating in Coke. To be frank, her husband is emotionally and verbally abusing her. Yet she stays. Why? Not only does she have abandonment/co-dependency issues, but she feels she owes it to her husband to try everything. And I get that. But Jesus, there comes a point when there is nothing a person can do. It takes 2 to heal a relationship. Him, Her, them together.

He sprinkles talk of divorce in between his abuse tirades all the time. When she tries to talk to him, he turns it around on her, "You're a quitter. I knew you didn't have it in you. You're worthless." Yeah, that's all kinds of healthy. The examples you gave with the food/phone calls and stuff? Her husband does that too. It's not right Cissie.

Your husband is doing nothing but causing hurt. How is that healthy? Do you feel you deserve to be treated that way?

I have got some counseling appointments lined up to see if I can find some better method of coping.
I strongly suggest going to counseling to find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. Why you accept it.

We are so old even I can see that someone from the outside would look at our situation and regard it as pathetic or ridiculous
Why does it matter what other people think? Don't you think you deserve to be happy and healthy? Doesn't matter if you're 21 or 102.

Darkness Falls posted 7/1/2013 09:34 AM

Hi cissie.

Oh, my. I'm sorry to read this post and that things seem to have gotten worse.

So, cutting to the chase: after reading your examples, he is being extremely passive-aggressive and (dare I say) immature. You guys are, what, in your 60s? He's acting like he's 6. Sorry.

What would happen if you did suggest separation without divorce? Would it give you some peace?

StrongerOne posted 7/1/2013 17:26 PM

Has your H been to the doctor recently? wondering if it could be alzheimers or some other health issue? mini strokes?

Even if it is, that doesn't mean you should stay and put up with it. But it would be important for your H to find out so he can address any issues.

LivingALie posted 7/2/2013 13:02 PM

I’m a BS – and I rarely read or post here but for some reason I decided to read here today and your post really struck me.

I read your profile to get a sense of your story and I have to say it really spoke to me. I saw so much of you – in me, after reading your profile. A people-pleaser – I used to say or do anything to avoid conflict and to please others. Your story where you say that you would make things up, just because he badgered you that there must be more – I have been in that spot too, not as a BS – but at different times in my life.

Also, all the years that your husband has talked about your past – my H is very much the same. We married young (19 & 22), we’re in our late 50s now – I never even dated anyone before my H – yet, he would insist that I must have “done something” before I met him. I was 16 yrs old when I met him – exactly how many boyfriends does a catholic school girl, with very strict parents, possibly have? But he would insist until I was in tears – I’ll give you an example of the outlandish things he would accuse me of – once, we were having a conversation about abortions – I stated that “I could never have one, and I believed they were wrong, but I could see what would drive someone to have an abortion” WELL – he said since I felt that way – I MUST have had an abortion and I should just admit it to him. Complete, total utter nonsense!

Over the years if any man in any situation paid the least bit of attention to me, later he would be furious, accusing me of all types of things. But, to please him and avoid conflict – I would say “yes, I guess it was my fault, I should not have talked to him”. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand. I always wanted "peace at all costs". Well, it cost me my self-esteem.

Well – 37 years of marriage later, I find out that my catholic school, church going H – who was above reproach, had an affair with his secretary. Yes, the same person who very easily judged everyone else – was lying, cheating and sneaking around. He even had the audacity to accuse ME of cheating WHILE he was in the affair. He was very smug about it too. I used to feel awful when he would do that and wonder why he had such a low opinion of me.

I suppose I just want to tell you that when I discovered his affair – my whole outlook changed, I STOPPED taking anything from him. How DARE he treat me that way all those years – I was livid and something in me just changed that day– but I think many days I was more angry at ME than HIM. I allowed that – I should have spoken up – should have stood up for myself. I do now and it has made all the difference in how I fell about MYSELF, its changed how my H relates and communicates to me. I changed the cycle.

I want to tell you to do the same thing – regardless of what you did or didn’t do (I don’t know your whole story) you deserve to be treated with respect. Yes Cissie, that’s right – you do. After DDay I went through several weeks of calling my H every awful name in the book and saying mean and hurtful things to him – but I came to understand that I needed to stop that behavior and I did. I was wrong to treat him that way just as your H is wrong to treat you that way. But only YOU can stop the cycle – he is holding you hostage with all those threats of outing you – and he knows you’re afraid of “what everyone will think”. You know what, they’ll get over it – and they will probably wonder why you put up with this abuse for so long. YOU have to believe that you don’t’ deserve it. Try to separate what you DID ..from who you ARE – which is a good person. I read something once about people who worry “what others will think” and its so true “Why do you worry what someone else might think – do you really believe YOU’RE the center of everyone’s universe?”

Best of luck to you Cissie – I really hope you have the courage to stick up for yourself, once you do it, it just gets easier and easier and you will feel so much better about YOU.

Edited for typos and claity

[This message edited by LivingALie at 1:07 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 7/2/2013 13:33 PM

Cissie - BS here, hope you don't mind my thoughts on this.

In what way is his behavior helping you both heal from the A? From my viewpoint on R, I felt that my H owed me a lot, he owed me remorse, sorrow, understanding, apologies for the horrible way I was treated througout his A. Never once felt he should be allowed to be a whipping boy. Yes I was mad, and yes I was angry, but tearing him down over and over again was going to do absolutely nothing to help us heal, to help him understand why he was so unhappy, and needed to seek validation outside of our marriage.

Quite simply if I had treated him that way he would have walked, and I would have not blamed him. Your H is abusing you. He may think he can do this because you chose to have the A, but if you have owned what you did, and have done the work to R. He needs to end this behavior immediately.
Quite honestly it sounds like a miserable existence for both of you. You do realize that even though you are "old" there is a lot of life left, and you do not have to spend it in misery.

He may do this to protect his heart from ever being broken again, but in the mean time he has already lost you.

(((and strength))))

TrustGone posted 7/2/2013 14:21 PM


BS here...Hope you don't mind me replying to your post, but I really felt for you. You say this is a fairly new thing he is doing. Did he treat you this way right after the affair, or did it just continue to esculate to the point of abuse that it is now? The reason I ask is that it may have been a deal breaker for him and it has taken him this long to get to his angry stage. He may well want you to end the marriage so he doesn't have to. Maybe he has been thinking this way for a long time, but didn't want to be the one to give up on the marriage.

Another possibility is if this is a fairly new development, he may be having a medical condition. My XWH#1 had a cousin who for the most part was a fairly pleasant guy who loved his kids and his wife. All of the sudden his personality started to change gradually. He was irritable and spoke unpleasantly to his wife and kids. One day he went out of control and started hitting his wife. The oldest kid got a gun and hollared for him to stop. He then started toward her and she shot him. During the autopsy they found he had a brain tumor. This was his reason all along for his behavior. It was very sad and his daughter was devastated. I am just saying if he hasn't had a recent exam, you may suggest he go for one.

Either way, he has no right to treat you this way. I may have said some horrible things to my husband after his DDay's and I don't regret a thing I said. He deserved everything he got at that point. However since I did not walk out on the marriage and decided to try and make it work, I had no right to continue to speak to him like that. There are days that I still get angry at him for his LTA, but I try to keep my temper and will go away from the house until I calm down. I will not put up with abuse and neither should you. No WS or BS deserves to be abused. Your age does not matter. We are put on this earth for a very short time and should not tolerate anyone making us unhappy or abusing us. You deserve better. Stand up for yourself and stop his abuse. (((HUGS)))

heartache101 posted 7/2/2013 15:10 PM


A marriage takes 2 people. He is being a butt. Tape him video cam him and hand it to someone he would hate to know how he treats you! There is no reason for him to treat you that way. NONE.
Sorry but my spouse tries to pull this crap and I call him on it. He is in his 50's and I don't know if it an age thing or what..
You deserve someone that cares we all do!

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