Cissie-
I’m a BS – and I rarely read or post here but for some reason I decided to read here today and your post really struck me.
I read your profile to get a sense of your story and I have to say it really spoke to me. I saw so much of you – in me, after reading your profile. A people-pleaser – I used to say or do anything to avoid conflict and to please others. Your story where you say that you would make things up, just because he badgered you that there must be more – I have been in that spot too, not as a BS – but at different times in my life.
Also, all the years that your husband has talked about your past – my H is very much the same. We married young (19 & 22), we’re in our late 50s now – I never even dated anyone before my H – yet, he would insist that I must have “done something” before I met him. I was 16 yrs old when I met him – exactly how many boyfriends does a catholic school girl, with very strict parents, possibly have? But he would insist until I was in tears – I’ll give you an example of the outlandish things he would accuse me of – once, we were having a conversation about abortions – I stated that “I could never have one, and I believed they were wrong, but I could see what would drive someone to have an abortion” WELL – he said since I felt that way – I MUST have had an abortion and I should just admit it to him. Complete, total utter nonsense!
Over the years if any man in any situation paid the least bit of attention to me, later he would be furious, accusing me of all types of things. But, to please him and avoid conflict – I would say “yes, I guess it was my fault, I should not have talked to him”. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand. I always wanted "peace at all costs". Well, it cost me my self-esteem.
Well – 37 years of marriage later, I find out that my catholic school, church going H – who was above reproach, had an affair with his secretary. Yes, the same person who very easily judged everyone else – was lying, cheating and sneaking around. He even had the audacity to accuse ME of cheating WHILE he was in the affair. He was very smug about it too. I used to feel awful when he would do that and wonder why he had such a low opinion of me.
I suppose I just want to tell you that when I discovered his affair – my whole outlook changed, I STOPPED taking anything from him. How DARE he treat me that way all those years – I was livid and something in me just changed that day– but I think many days I was more angry at ME than HIM. I allowed that – I should have spoken up – should have stood up for myself. I do now and it has made all the difference in how I fell about MYSELF, its changed how my H relates and communicates to me. I changed the cycle.
I want to tell you to do the same thing – regardless of what you did or didn’t do (I don’t know your whole story) you deserve to be treated with respect. Yes Cissie, that’s right – you do. After DDay I went through several weeks of calling my H every awful name in the book and saying mean and hurtful things to him – but I came to understand that I needed to stop that behavior and I did. I was wrong to treat him that way just as your H is wrong to treat you that way. But only YOU can stop the cycle – he is holding you hostage with all those threats of outing you – and he knows you’re afraid of “what everyone will think”. You know what, they’ll get over it – and they will probably wonder why you put up with this abuse for so long. YOU have to believe that you don’t’ deserve it. Try to separate what you DID ..from who you ARE – which is a good person. I read something once about people who worry “what others will think” and its so true “Why do you worry what someone else might think – do you really believe YOU’RE the center of everyone’s universe?”
Best of luck to you Cissie – I really hope you have the courage to stick up for yourself, once you do it, it just gets easier and easier and you will feel so much better about YOU.
Edited for typos and claity
[This message edited by LivingALie at 1:07 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]