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FR2012 posted 7/2/2013 21:25 PM

I am not helping my husband lately at all. I am completely failing him. I am not doing everything I should be doing in order to help his healing. I am closing off to him again. I am reverting back to feeling the need to keep myself protected so I don't get hurt. He has done nothing wrong either. I don't know why I am doing this. I really need some help.

I have been falling back into old habits. I have been falling back into the stupid thoughts I was having during my A. Mainly the thought that my husband would be happier without me. Stuff like that.

I revert to yelling, getting upset for no reason, closing off my feelings to my husband, etc. I know they are stupid. I just don't know what is coming over me lately.

I am going to start going to counselling again in the fall. I don't know what else I can do in order not to keep reverting back to my old habits and thinking.

Any ideas would be helpful.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 9:26 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

hardlessons posted 7/2/2013 22:17 PM

I am completely failing him.

You are failing yourself long before you fail him..

Mainly the thought that my husband would be happier without me. Stuff like that.

That is you believing your not good enough and all that BS. IMO

What have you been doing for you? What have you been focusing on to heal you? For me it was low self esteem and conflict avoidance, those 2 things drove my fucked up train big time. If I don't address and work on those issues I will fail myself and TG. Many times WS's will just focus on healing and being there for the BS and in the mean time we are bleeding out. So we help for a while, being compliant and doing/saying all the right things then bam! we are dying and failing and looking around going WTF.. So, what are you doing for you?

FR2012 posted 7/2/2013 23:22 PM

I feel like I am failing him because I am not where I want to be in my healing and I feel that he deserves better.

What have you been doing for you?

My husband has been telling me lately to do stuff for myself. He has asked me if I need time by myself (which I haven't liked being by myself lately). He has told me to do something for myself.

My focus has been a lot on the new baby because of me nursing him.

I also try and give my husband time by himself. I will take the kids out for a bit so he has time by himself to do whatever. I feel like he needs it more than me.

I have been reading more on SI which has helped. I want to post more but I am not sure what to post. I want to start writing in a journal again. I think I am going to start a new crochet project. That is one thing that helps me relax.

I have been still having a hard time dealing with what I did last year and trying to forgive myself. I just can't do it. I don't know if it will ever be possible. I hurt my husband too much for me to forgive myself.

Do you have any suggestions what I could do for myself to help with this? What do you do?

KBeguile posted 7/3/2013 00:10 AM

I definitely think you're onto something with the journaling, FR. It doesn't have to be something written, either; you could create a scrapbook for the baby, or you could do some kind of personal photo album. It needs to be something that satisfies your needs and gives you a way to measure your progress. It will always be tied to a memory, but you need to work at making it a positive one!

mike7 posted 7/3/2013 07:11 AM

"My focus has been a lot on the new baby because of me nursing him."

is it possible you have postpartum depression? I don't know about that kind of stuff. Maybe someone medical around here can comment.

having a baby and another child can be exhausting for a mother. Do you have parents around to help you?

i do know this, being tired makes everything seem worse.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:12 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

hardlessons posted 7/3/2013 08:15 AM

trying to forgive myself

This isn't something you can decide to do, forgiveness is more about how you get to a place where you can do that then the decision to forgive. How are you doing on your whys etc? What books are you reading and why no counseling till the fall?

Also, mike7 brought up a great point with postpartum. Please check into that as well.

JustDesserts posted 7/3/2013 08:27 AM

I have been falling back into old habits. I have been falling back into the stupid thoughts I was having during my A. Mainly the thought that my husband would be happier without me.

FWIW, during the heights of what I'd like to refer to as my "Epically Delusional & Profoundly Selfish D-bag Phase" (which was both during and after my A) I would think thoughts along those lines. For me, it was a way to prop up the rationalization and justification constructs I had created (I am SOOOOO unhappy...our marriage is SOOOO BS would be SOOOOO much better without me) and therefore allow me to feel better about being a liar and a cheat. I was an active participant in everything that was "wrong" with our marriage, propelling a crappy marital relationship through both passive and active undermining.

And after my affair ended, thinking like that was a way for me to cling to some hope and connection related to a magical rekindling of the great and epic and most amazing Lurrrrvvvv ever that two rainbow farting magic unicorns had ever shared in the history of humankind.

In clear words: When that thought entered or enters my mind I can be pretty clear I am not letting go of my affair and my xAP. The thing that the last two weeks have helped me understand is what I was doing and was pointed out to me by the fine folks here. And that has allowed me to identify a negative and corrosive clinging behavior, and begin to dismantle it and replace it with positive, reality based thinking.

I don't know if this helps, ymmv, etc. But your words did resonate with me in this way.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/3/2013 08:30 AM

I was thinking the same thing about the postpartum. Not necessarily depression, but
new babies take a lot.

It reminds me of HALT... Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

All of these things can greatly affect how you view the world.

Oh, and taking yourself too seriously.

Do you have any suggestions what I could do for myself to help with this? What do you do?

I've been working really hard on changing my behaviors.
Every so often I notice how far I've come, how much I've changed. How different things are. That keeps me motivated to keep working.

I also have acceptance that this is a life long process. I will never arrive.

If I start feeling down on myself, I try to look at just how far we and I have come.

It took a while, but I essentially trained myself to not fall into the self pity trap. It took a TON of self awareness, but it was essential. Self pity is deadly, and so easy to fall into.

I hope that one day I'll be able to forgive myself, but I am not fully there yet.
I get closer with every bit of work I do.

I am in a 12 step fellowship, so I do have a plan in place (the steps).

What HL said... What are you doing for yourself? I found nursing was a great time to catch up on reading, at least until the baby starts grabbing your book

Journaling can be fabulous. I forget how much it helps, until I do it.

[This message edited by broevil at 8:34 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

FR2012 posted 7/5/2013 22:36 PM


So I wrote in a journal the other night. The last time I wrote in my journal before that was back in February. And to be honest, writing in it really helped. I got out a lot of feelings and things that have been going on lately.

We are in the process of getting ready to move, all of my scrapbooking stuff is packed away right now. When we move I actually plan to make a scrapbook of the new baby. I think it will be fun. Another thing I am going to do when we move it start crocheting again. Which again is all packed away. But there is a project that I want to start to have done by Christmas. I want to make a blanket for my husband. I like making things, I feel like it has more meaning. Crocheting has always been my outlet. It calms me and relaxes me.

mike7 and hardlessons:

is it possible you have postpartum depression?

No, I have been to the doctor since the birth of our baby, I have had talks with my husband as well. I am not depressed. I am happy with our lives and where we are going together.

Honestly yes, having a new baby around is exhausting but I am fine. We do have help and we use it when we need it. I do have a lot of help from my husband with the kids. He does so much for us. I am very grateful to have him.


How are you doing on your whys etc?

I know my whys and so does my husband. We have had long winded conversations about every little detail about my affair.

why no counseling till the fall?

The counselling place we go to only does 12 sessions at a time and then if you want to go back you have to wait 6 months. So I have to wait until September.


You are right, new babies do take a lot. A lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of everything. But I am enjoying it.

I also have acceptance that this is a life long process.

I have also accepted this. I know that life will never be the same as it was before I had my A. I know that it is always going to be lingering thing in our lives now. I hate that but I have accepted it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am continuing to work on myself. Any other advice or thoughts you have, please share.

hardlessons posted 7/5/2013 23:50 PM

Glad to hear this FR.

I know my whys

That is great. So, now that you know what they are what are you doing to fix them? Specific books? etc?

5454real posted 7/5/2013 23:55 PM

if you don't mind a question from a BH, you state that you know you're wHys, then how come you feel the need to protect yourself?

it seems to be an odd dichotomy.

KBeguile posted 7/6/2013 00:31 AM

I'm glad to hear you have plans to scrapbook and crochet. Crochet is awesome.

aesir posted 7/6/2013 03:47 AM

Was going to quote the relevant parts, but it is pretty much all of your opening post.

Maybe it is exhaustion from trying to maintain all of the correct behaviors. Perhaps you should look at your motivations to change. If you are trying to make these changes for your BH, or to save your marriage, it will be a constant effort and eventually you will be exhausted by it. If your motivation to make these changes is to become the person you want to be, it will be much easier over time... I believe some here refer to it as living an authentic life. UO had an interesting post titled Dry Adultery Part Deaux.

Or I may be way off base on how I am reading this post. Check my tagline for details.

FR2012 posted 7/6/2013 07:18 AM


So, now that you know what they are what are you doing to fix them?

Counselling has been a big help for me. That is why I have decided to go back to it when I can.

Admittedly, I haven't really read many books. I have read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and started to read "Not just Friends". Any suggestions on what I could read?


then how come you feel the need to protect yourself?

When I was 9 years old I was SA. Since then I have found it very hard to trust and always done things to protect myself.

I have a lot of trust issues. It took me the longest time to trust my husband. I do trust him now, but I do still have trouble opening up to him. Honestly, I don't know why I still feel the need to protect myself. It is a hard feeling to shake when you have felt it your whole life.

I am still trying to figure out how not to feel like this.


If you are trying to make these changes for your BH, or to save your marriage

Those are a couple reasons why I want to continue to change but that is not why I am doing everything I can to change. I am doing this mainly for myself.

Last year during the time of my A, I was a very fucked up person. I was horrible to my family. I had horrible thinking too. I was suicidal as well. I really don't want to go down that path again. I don't want to be in that state of mind again. That is the main reason I am trying to change. I don't want to repeat how I was last year.

And because I am changing to become a better person, it is becoming easier to do over time.

hardlessons posted 7/6/2013 11:08 AM

Any suggestions on what I could read?

The books that helped me A LOT!

Emotional Affair by Gary Nuemann, a must read IMO for every wayward.

When anger scares you by John Lynch, great for conflict avoidance.

Act with Love by Russ Harris, a great relationship book for anyone.

Changing Course by Claudia Black

Good luck and keep working. You can do this.

FR2012 posted 7/9/2013 20:26 PM

Thanks HL.

I am really going to look into these books.

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