"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

HurtingHusband72 posted 7/8/2013 09:36 AM

I found out my wife of 16 years had created an online profile for a website called AshleyMadison in Feb 2013. She started meeting guys and having sex with them in February. She has been sexting and texting with 100's of guys since joining this website and has slept with at least 20 different men up to 100 times since February. I discovered this in late June 2013 and have sought multiple counselors for us, her, our kids, and myself to try to work through this issues. She tells me she loves me still and doesn't want a divorce. She has been placed on drugs (Wellbutrin) to help combat her additive behavior. She says she wants to work through this but refuses to give up the behaviors (website, texting, sexting, meeting up them to have sex). Since she has been found out I know of at least 4 times she has met up with a man and had sex. And is texting and sexting multiple times a day. The hurt I feel from this is intense and very hard for me to overcome. I would leave her, but we have 4 young children (13,11,8,6) who will be devastated and destroyed by this as she is a good mom to them. Everyone who knows about this in our close circle is in shock as this behavior is totally out of character for her and many think it was triggered by the death of her Father in late December. I don't have a great support network and was looking for some positive support on encouraging me that there may be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

confused615 posted 7/8/2013 09:52 AM

Im sorry you're here,but glad you found us.

Eat,drink,take care of yourself right now.

If she won't stop..you can not R.

Im not in the best place to give advice today,but I wanted to welcome you..someone will be along shortly with more advice.

Oh...Im sorry...but she is not a good mother to those kids..not right now..and not since she started pulling this shit. She is putting herself in dangerous situations,and exposing herself,and the father of those kids,to STD's..risking your health and your life. What she is doing has/will change their father forever. She is showing you enormous disrespect and is reckless with your family...a good mother puts her kids first..she is putting herself first. She is risking their family,their sense of security. She may have been a good mother before she cheated...and she may be a good mother again..but now? No. As long as she is behaving this way she is NOT a good mother.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:52 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Tred posted 7/8/2013 09:52 AM

Sorry mate, I understand your pain. My wife spent 20 months at least on Ashley Madison. No clue how many men she met. It's a brutal thing to find out. She tells you she loves you, but wants basically an open marriage, which doesn't seem to be something you are fond of. I understand not wanting to harm your kids, but guess what? Watching their dad get shit on and take it can cause harm as well.

she is a good mom to them

No, she's not. She's risking her families health, finances, and emotional stability to have sex with strangers. Ask her what she's going to tell them if one of their wives finds out and goes psycho on your wife. What if they show up at your door and pummel your wife? It can happen, I saw it as a child. I'd like to be more positive, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's going to be a very long tunnel. I would seriously go to an attorney and get a professional opinion on your options. Sometimes filing for divorce is the only impetus that will get her to wake up and realize the damage that she is doing to her family. And she is doing damage - look at the state you are in. My wife's behavior harmed me to the extent I have to see an expert in brain trauma and take medications to regulate my emotions. Her AshleyMadison excursions cost us a fortune financially - money that wasted that could have better been spent on our family. Divorce isn't the worst thing that can happen, the worst thing that can happen is your wife continues to cheat on you, gets a STD, or places your family in harm's way. Sorry to be so blunt, but reality sucks. She needs a wake up call.

ETA: Damn confused, it's like we've responded to this before

[This message edited by Tred at 9:53 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

atsenaotie posted 7/8/2013 10:16 AM

Hi HurtingHusband72,

So sorry that you have to deal with this, but you found a great resource here in SI.

She tells me she loves me still and doesn't want a divorce.

One of the things we all learn after our dday is that actions by the WS speak louder than words. Your WW may say that she loves you, but by flirting and sexting with OM, meeting them for sex, how is she showing her love? What does her behavior say to you? BTW, I agree with the others about her fitness as a mother. The time she is putting into texting and having sex with the OM could be time and energy put into the family and the M.

...looking for some positive support on encouraging me that there may be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to find it. This is a very difficult time, and the advice for now to eat, drink water, and take care of you is good first steps. Reading in the healing library (yellow box upper left corner of screen) is another good step.

Start thinking about how you can take care of yourself and your 4 children. Many of us benefit from speaking with a individual counselor (IC) to help process our feelings and emotions. You mention multiple counselors, what has been the feedback or effect from these meetings?

She says she wants to work through this but refuses to give up the behaviors.

Again, look to actions rather than words. I know that you are under severe stress just now, but what if she does not give up this behavior? It should be self-evident to her that her behavior is improper, hurtful, and dangerous. You have told her that her behavior is unacceptable, and she has not changed.

What can you do to protect you and your family from her? For how long is acceptable for a wife to flirt and have sex with OM met online? What steps can you take to remove yourself and your children from this environment once she has continued to behave in an unacceptable manner?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:19 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 7/8/2013 10:47 AM

I'm really sorry, Hurting H.

STBXH (soon to be X husband) tried to minimalize his time on that website but has a multitude of women on his social networks, so the truth is once again made fuzzy on purpose and I don't believe him. His words: " I went on it but didn't sign up". I don't believe it.

I felt so much like you did when I first learned of the cheating and OW and why STBXH abandoned us... for real.

We, too have young children, a daughter in elementary school and a baby on the way, but you know what? I lost my sense of self, of respect and purpose in life at this man's hands and I want those things back!

And I don't know about you, but I feel a sense of disgust when I have to be anywhere near him, for myself and daughter. He feels like an unsafe person now without boundaries and I mention that because he sounds a little bit like your WW.

That many men makes me ponder the narcissistic side of personalities and wonder if she has some, for it explained to me that STBX felt control through sex, porn and the online version of life. He didn't think he could control me or us any more, but can control OW and she will allow an open relationship, I heard at one point, where I will not, nor will I be walked on.

I understand that you want to believe your wife is a good mom still, but I'm sad to say that for a time I felt that about STBXH, but now I don't. As more of his double life comes to life and the abandonment of her as well is there, I think that on the surface his partenting is okay-he will not let her be harmed, he wants good things for her-his basic sense of parenting may remain, but he lost his place in her life and in her mind when he did this. She does not know the extent or true nature of his being gone, for I didn't want her to lose her KISA at such a young age. I felt her innocence would be harmed in so many ways and wanted to save her that.

Kids are smart and instinctive and I've witnessed our daughter see right through him after only one or two times suffering disappointments at his hands. Perhaps yours will too, and it's hard to watch them go through, but is also the reality of the situation a wayward spouse puts a family through.

I'm sorry for my long letter and don't know if it will bring forth any insight, but hope so. You sound so much like me where you still want to hold on. I tried for a solid year to hold on, but I was the only one interested in saving our marriage and finally defeat has reared its ugly head...but also as I gain a sense of self, I finally understand that he is not even really worthy of being with us and has, in fact, changed so much that I don't know him now.

I hope that life will work out the way you wish and can't believe I'm saying it, but life does go on after Dday. Sometimes being apart from the drama of WS actions isn't terrible and though the grief is massive, peace begins to shine through like sunlight on a rainy day.

That is my wish for you, Hurting H.

Ashland13 posted 7/8/2013 10:49 AM

P.S. I wonder if she doesn't want a divorce because she has a really good situation with you, but wants to hold you at arms length and be in control of your relationship, or force you to just be her monetary support and back up.

One thing I had to learn to consider is, was that good enough for me? I've heard it called "crumbs", also "seconds", which is very apt.

tushnurse posted 7/8/2013 12:38 PM

HH72 - Welcome, and sorry you had to find us, but know that there are many of us here that have similar experiences, and offer understanding, empathy, and support, and a guiding hand to help prevent you from making some of the mistakes we did.

I am sorry that your wife has been taken by the body snatchers, at least that's what seemed like happened to my H when he had his A. You need to understand and accept that the person you married, is no longer there. Not sure where she went, or when or if she will be back, but she's gone for now. Once you understand that your spouse is a stranger, and strangers can't be trusted you can move forward, a little more carefully. Some of this may seem a bit harsh, but I say these things to help you understand what you deserve, and should have to rebuild your realtionship to a healthy level.

There are a few things, that you NEED to do to protect you.

1. Read the Library, up there on the left side of the screen, there is a TON of information in it that will help you understand what's happening, and how things can play out looking forward.

2. PUT YOU and your KIDS number one. Make sure they are getting the love and attention they need and love, because that stranger is NO LONGER the Good Mom. So focus on them and you, make sure you are eating, sleeping, and keeping hydrated, if you can't seem to do these things, it is OK many of us can't in the early days. Go to your DR, and let them know what's going on , and get some medication to allow you to sleep, and antidepressants if necessary.

3. PROTECT YOU !!!!!
Get STD Tested like yesterday, along with that, do NOT consider having intercourse with your spouse without protection until she tests clean for 6 months.

GET TO AN ATTORNEY go over what would happen should you D. YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS. KNOWLEDGE is Power, the fear of WHAT IF, has lead many to allow their spouse to continue their behaviors for far too long.

4. Once you have seen the attorney you NEED to draw your proverbial line in the sand. NO MORE going to websites, NO MORE sexting, NO MORE random sex. It ends. PERIOD....Be prepared to follow through with the consequences should she choose not to stop.
She has NOT stopped yet, because she has NOT had severe consequences for her actions. You should not be an option. YOU are her Spouse. She stops, or she leaves period.

NOW Heres the tricky part with this, she may opt to leave, but most likely only for a brief period, many Waywards realize what they have to loose when they are shown the door. But YOU HAVE to demand the respect you deserve. YOU have to say this is it. Otherwise she's just going to take it underground, sneak, and not deal with the real shit that she has created. You dont want to loose your M, but you don't realize that it's already gone. She took it and threw it out when she hopped on that dreadful website.

I get not wanting to hurt your kids, I do. But I can also say that your kids deserve to have at least ONE parent that is willing to show them what is right and wrong. To be the strong one. She isn't the person to do that right now.

NOW KNOW THIS ----SHE CHOSE THIS. What she chose has NOTHING to do with who YOU are. YOU did NOTHING to cause this. This isn't about what you look like, the money you make, the car you drive, the things you fix, the sex you have, or the dad you are. THIS is all about something very broken within her. She can be the ONLY one to fix that.

Keep coming here, keep posting.

((((and strength))))

Jospehine85 posted 7/8/2013 14:05 PM

^^^TushNurse nailed it.

1. See a lawyer. Protect yourself, your kids and your assets

2. Get tested for STDs

If your wife was a single person, her behavior would scream mental illness. 20 strange men, 100 times in 5 months is just not normal for anyone.

You can not fix your WW. You can tell her you think she has a problem. You can suggest counseling. You could drag her kicking and screaming to the counselor, but unless SHE wants to change, it won't work.

So you need to focus on you and your children. This is where 95% of your energy needs to be. You can focus a little bit of energy on your WW if it's assisting her getting to a counselor or getting her medication.

It is NOT a good idea for the kids to be around your WW right now. Any man who will have sex with a woman he finds online, has some issues and poor boundaries. You don't want to find out that he is a pedophile also. And you aren't looking at just one man. You are looking at a parade of them. The chances are really very, very high that one or more is going to be a real pervert.

It will be BETTER for your kids emotionally to not witness their mother self-destructing.

Lastly, the women I have known who have done something like this out of character both turned out to be undiagnosed bi-polar and were in manic states. I would suggest investigating this with your counselors.

I feel for you HH72. Not only are you dealing with infidelity, but what also appears to be a complete mental collapse of your wife.

Tren0R201 posted 7/8/2013 14:22 PM

Cannot be a good mom, if it means meeting strange men whom she doesn't really know for sex, exposure to possible disease. In all fairness if one of these men is unbalanced, she's potentially bringing that into your home. It's clear there's a problem, but by not acting you maybe enabling her. Her promises and words are just that..nothing.

callmecrazy posted 7/8/2013 15:51 PM

I think if she is serious about fixing this, she will go technology free for you and get some serious counseling. If she refuses to stop these things, its time she has consequences. You sound amazingly understanding and she should be beyond thrilled you file the second you figured her out.
Take care of yourself.

MC_Jack posted 7/8/2013 18:14 PM

HH, your wife's behaviour is indeed beyond crazy - beyond typical affair crazy.

When the grandfather of one of my wife's friends passed away, it unlocked some very painful and suppressed memories of that girl's mother. I suspect there is something behind this mental collapse.

I think if ever there was a betrayal situation that screams "it is not about you" this is it. I sense that you know that already. I pray that your wife can heal herself and you can get your family back.

Jack

tryingagain74 posted 7/8/2013 20:53 PM

I'm sorry, HH72. My M was a casualty of an A borne of Ashley Madison. The only advice that I can give to you at the present moment is to take care of yourself. It was a nasty shock for me as well-- the man that I always thought was so upstanding in character actually registered for a cheaters' site and started having unprotected sex with a random woman he met on there? Yeah, that's hard to wrap one's mind around. Don't try to-- that's for her to sort out. You need to take care of yourself and your kiddos.

I'm sure it's already been said, but read up on the 180 in The Healing Library and try to get as much rest and nourishment into you as you can. Take care.

(((HH72)))

standinghere posted 7/9/2013 04:13 AM

Just echo what has already been said, with one addition.

Bipolar, or at least a drug induced manic state or hypo manic state, all seem likely. Her behavior goes well beyond affair behavior.

My wife was put on Wellbutrin, then the dose was increased, and she went "crazy" in her own words. She started hating me, actually wishing i would die in an accident on the way home, fucking someone else, drinking a lot and smoking weed, and no she couldn't protect the kids in that state. She was doing it all in secret, and even taking the kids to meet the guy, who she hardly knew.

She has very little memory of the time today, she can remember the sex acts, but little else, other than remembering how she wished i was dead.

This kind of state can be brought about by any antidepressant, in such cases people may seem to be relatively normal, or just very happy, but the brain is operating in an altered state, they often have little or no impulse control, and can be very susceptible to suggestion (such as someone says "let's fuck" and they will just do it without a thought).

They also don't seem to form memory well, and operate in sort of a fog of impulsiveness and reactiveness that later when it is discovered they have trouble explaining.

Mix alcohol with the drug, or marijuana, and it can greatly compound the problem.

Good luck, but your wife sounds like she is seriously ill and needs professional intervention.

aesir posted 7/9/2013 04:47 AM

I'm sorry, but 100 times since February, with 20 different guys? That amounts to a new guy every week, and doing it 5 days a week.

No, not normal behavior even for a single person. It is certainly not being a good mother, exposing her children to such risks, and risking destroying their family.

I don't have a great support network and was looking for some positive support on encouraging me that there may be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you will only get there by moving towards it. As long as you stay where you are, you will stay in the darkness.

Get tested for STD's.
See a lawyer so you know your rights. Based on this behavior if you can prove it, you may qualify for full custody depending on the jurisdiction.
Look after your children.
As for yourself and how to cope, in these early days, your best plan is to treat this much like a cold. Try to eat what you can and drink plenty of liquids, as it is easy to forget if you do not make an effort, and the infidelity diet can play havoc with your system. Rest whenever you can. See your doctor for medication to cope with the symptoms, your WW may not be the only one who needs anti depressants or medication for anxiety.

As for if she loves you still and does not want a divorce... it is not unreasonable to ask her to prove it after she has done so much to indicate otherwise. How can she prove it? Easy, she has to stop it all, now! Make it clear to her that any further infidelity will result in you filing for divorce and citing the details as grounds. There is something worse than losing your wife, and that is spending your life sharing her. Your children will not remain oblivious to this forever, they will figure it out if they have not already. The two of you are their role model for relationships, and you can not allow them to think that this is acceptable, when they do find out (and they will if she continues), they must also know that their are consequences for this shit. Otherwise this will be far more damaging to them than a divorce would be.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/9/2013 08:55 AM

HH72,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Besides the advice the others have given you, I would suggest one more thing:

Take her back to the Dr. and then get a second opinion. Her behavior doesn't sound normal, even for this site. She sounds like she has more going on than lose morals. She has a mental disorder...not just the fog...perhaps a chemical imbalance going on.

In the meantime, don't have sex with her, get yourself tested for STD's, and get her tested when you take her to the Dr. You probably need to be present when she goes to the Dr. to make sure she tells him the true scope of her behavior so he can properly diagnose and treat her.

I hope it is a chemical thing, which can be corrected with meds, or by taking her off the Wellbutrin, and that you wife hasn't really just thrown in the towel on your M.

Josephine01 posted 7/9/2013 09:29 AM

I was thinking along the lines of Hurtfulbuthopeful. This sounds almost unreal, much more than I've read on here. But. . . I have been doing some reading on narcissistic behaviors and sometimes a trauma can cause this type of personality to appear. Has she shown signs of narcissism in the past. Boy she is showing many of them now. These kinds of people only care about themselves and pretty much only open to making themselves feel better.

She may want to stay with you because she has a good life with you. Does she support herself.

I agree with everyone. She is NOT a good mother. Do you know how much it should scare her that she is letting people into her life that could hurt her kids? What if one of them follows her home and hurts the children?

I am so sorry that you are here. I can tell you are a caring person and you nor your kids deserves this. Please take care of yourself and post often.

Go to an attorney, talk to a concealer, schedule that appointment for the chemical imbalance thing and take good care of your mental and physical health.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

m334455 posted 7/9/2013 12:48 PM

No one who would treat their husband like this is a good Mom. What kind of attention could she have for the children if she's sexting all day and meeting strange men? Is she bringing the kids with her? Certainly she's endangering them by involving so many other shady people with your family. Plus, the older ones will figure out what's going on soon if they haven't already. Even my then 7 year old was on to his father's cheating. What kind of example does that set for your kids -- especially regarding YOUR personal worth.

You can absolutely put a stop to this. Kick her out. Use her extreme behavior and need for psychiatric intervention to get custody of your children. The ball is really in your court. You ceratinly can't keep consenting adults apart, but you can choose not to be an accessory/doormat/enabler...

I hope that 2X4 is not too harsh for you.

PS -- her behavior is a hallmark of bipolar disorder, which would actually be worsened by Wellbutrin, so you should consider who has prescribed her that medication too, if it's not a psychiatrist (not even a psychologist/social worker working with a doctor not a family doctor, etc.) then she really needs to see an expert.

tushnurse posted 7/10/2013 08:49 AM

HH72 - You still there? How are you???

HurtingHusband72 posted 7/10/2013 15:18 PM

Thanks for the encouragement. I take it one day at a time. Ive set up a meeting with an attorney to know my options. Stopping couples therapy and focusing on individual therapy. She is going to get a brain scan to see if she has anything physically wrong. Hardest part of everyday is knowing she is continuing the sexting and cheating with no signs of stopping or remorse.

Dare2Trust posted 7/11/2013 02:11 AM

HurtingHusband,

Your WW is spending a LOT OF TIME texting, sexting, and fucking 100 stranger/men that she should be spending with you-her husband; and her 4 young children!!!

That's a full load right there: A family of 4 children!

NO, your WW is not being a "good mother" if she's spending THIS MUCH TIME devoted to her affair activities!!

I hope you are seriously LISTENING and that you have been tested for ALL KNOWN STDs, because I assure you: Your WW is not practing SAFE SEX.

Many of us have gone through the death of our fathers (and mothers) and we do not BEHAVE THIS WAY...so scratch that "EXCUSE" for your WWs adulterous sexual behaviors.

The only "light at the end of the tunnel" I see - is a huge freight train crashing towards you! Protect yourself health-wise, legally, and financially.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through - and I'm very sorry for your children. NONE OF YOU deserve this!